Category: Finding Happiness

Have you noticed how someone's casual remark sometimes switches your mind into a new–and better–way of thinking?

It happened to me when I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for months. After exchanging the usual pleasantries I asked, "How are things going for you lately?"

She lit up with a big smile and said, "Lately my life has been really, really good."

"Great! Has something changed?"

"Nope. I just learned what makes the difference between being happy and being frustrated. It's simple, really: I lowered my expectations. That made all the difference."

We each had places to rush off to, but our brief conversation replayed in my mind all week, probably because, um, I needed to hear it.

How about you?

Lower my expectations. Could it be that simple?

Ever had a conversation like this at your house?

Me: "Well, I thought you would _____."

My husband: "How was I to know what you expected? You're just disappointed because I didn't live up to your expectations."

He was right, of course. (Sigh.)

I finally admitted to myself that too often I thought I knew how things "should" go. With neighbors, with our children, even with myself.

I don't know about you, but I've never found this eased tensions.

A solid place to start

The more I thought about it, the more I understood how my friend's new attitude could change life for the better:

Expect less and rejoice over what IS, rather than stress over what isn't.

This sounds so basic it made me think well, any fool should be able to do that.

Exactly. That's the point.

Plotting it out

You probably aren't a psychiatrist or a counselor. Neither am I. But I learned some simple changes that made a big difference in all of life.

I found that first I had to lay aside my comfortable, customary habits. Then baby-step by baby-step, I needed to adjust my thinking and reacting. After awhile the new way of thinking felt more natural, more comfortable.

If you wonder how to start, think small. Manageable. Small twists on what you already know and the way you customarily behave.

And always, always, be patient with yourself and with others.

Where to start? You get to choose. Here are some suggestions

Put aside former notions and just accept each person as they are, rather than thinking "If only … ." (Look on their differentness as a spice in life, rather than an irritant.)

Reaffirm what's worthy in people with a bit of praise now and then. (Hint: There's no better way to see more of it.)

Spend more time looking for what's good than hunting out what isn't. (Get ready to be surprised.)

Be glad and grateful for what is instead of wishing for what isn't. (Decide to view your glass as half-full, rather than half-empty.)

Look around at your own four walls with fresh eyes. (Instead of picking out flaws, let yourself breathe in the warmth of the home–the recharging station–you've created.)

Learn to appreciate small everyday joys. (They're the stuff of daily life.)

Smile more. (Skin experts tell us this cuts down on wrinkles, too.)

Begin each day with, "Thank you, Lord, for my life and the people in it." (Watch how this simple practice brightens your day.)

Three universal principles

We get back what we give out

If we long to hear praise we need to hand it out, too. (This means we open our eyes and actually see the people around us.)

Suppose you want your spouse to be more thoughtful and loving. Exaggerated sighs and nagging seldom pay off. Instead, make it your habit to give out what you want to receive. (Be patient as your new way of mutual giving develops.)

Be forgiving of flaws

Nobody's perfect, not even you or me. Aren't you glad? If we keep this thought front and center in our minds it smooths over a lot of life's stresses.

Give up chasing perfectionism and get real

Perhaps you, too, were raised on, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

Let it go. It's okay to think that good enough IS good enough. You hereby have my permission to relax. (I'm giving myself the same message.)

Contentment. A synonym for happiness?

The Apostle Paul wrote, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (Philippians 4:11 NIV)

Think about that. Even the Apostle Paul had to learn to be content, so let's not give up on ourselves as we take two steps forward and one step back. Over and over. (Two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward, isn't it?)

We are, after all, only human. Through God's grace in Jesus Christ we who believe are forgiven sinners, but here on earth we'll remain flawed.

That truth makes it easier to lower our expectations and be glad for what is. Be thankful for the good qualities in your family and the people around you.

After all, don't we want the people we love and the people around us to accept us as we are? So let's be glad and thank God for what is.

Now, can we all breathe a big sigh of relief?

Learning, too,

Lenore
You Can Change Your Life If You Change Your Mindset

August 31, 2024
Picture a person who constantly takes a reading on their state of happiness.

From what I've seen it's not a peaceful way to live. The individual who keeps wanting more can never relax.

How could they? Their self-examination goes on 24/7:

Am I happy today?

Am I as happy as I could be? If not, why not? Is it his fault? Her fault?

Something must be wrong, or I would be happy all the time.

I must be depressed. Maybe I need to see someone so I can get over my depression.

All I really want in life is to be happy!

A University of Denver study reached what seems an implausible conclusion: The more a person wants to be happy the more likely it is that the person will be unhappy.

Now here's the real shocker. Those with the highest desire to be happy and the least amount of stress in their lives almost always rated themselves more unhappy in every measure.

That doesn't sound right, does it?

These researchers finally concluded that people who every day deal with lots of stress and difficulty do not expect to be happy in the moment. Therefore, these folks are not disappointed when they are not.

Probably the reason why comes down to simple logic. When getting through each day takes all our energy, both physical and emotional, asking ourselves Am I happy today? can feel irrelevant.

Here's another surprising finding: Those who care for others and do more for others rate themselves higher on the happiness scale than those who don't.

I suspect you and I are not so different from those who participated in that study

When things are going well and we have more leisure, we have time to wonder how we look and how we'll make that payment and how can we get our husbands–or wives–to be more romantic.

Simply put, we have time to focus on our own flaws–and everyone else's deficiencies, too. Real or imagined, such thoughts are like gnats at a picnic. They prevent us from relaxing and enjoying what's spread in front of us.

That's when we begin to wonder if we're "really happy."

Some thoughts from a marriage and family counselor in private practice

This professional noticed a trend in her clients. On their first appointment right away many new clients announce to her they are depressed.

When she asks how they know that's true, they answer, "Because I want to be happy more than anything else–and I should be, because there's nothing really wrong with my life.

"But some days I'm just not happy, so that must mean something is wrong. I must be depressed and need counseling. I probably need medication, too."

This counselor said usually the hardest thing is getting clients to understand that nobody lives a life that's 100 percent happy, 365 days a year. Once they accept that fact, they suddenly see more good in their lives.

Don't misunderstand. True depression is serious and it can be debilitating and hard to treat. There are as many variations of this illness as there are people. All that is true.

This counselor's comments point to an important truth for parents

It's a fact of life that for every human being that some days are good, some not so much. That's life. For every human being.

This means we do our children no favors when we frequently ask, "Are you happy?" Or when we tell them they should be happy.

Letting our children and teens gain experience in dealing with disappointment and failures during their growing-up years helps them be ready to one day live on their own. They learn how to adjust and how to cope with life without sinking under the load.

It's fair to say we give our kids a lifetime gift when we help them understand this truth and learn to take each day for what it is. Teaching them to search out the good in each day, whether it's judged "good" or "bad."

The writer of Ecclesiastes capsulized that truth in 7:14 and it's still worth pondering–for all of us:

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

This we know, whatever the situation:

Whatever comes into our lives, God is with us in the midst of it and we never walk alone–unless we insist upon it.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Here's the bottom line. Plain-speaking Abraham Lincoln said this long ago and no one has said it better:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

The question for you and me, the question that's applicable every day, whatever our age or life situation is this: What will I choose to think?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Beware Making Happiness Your Number One Goal

April 22, 2023
We've all been there, in one of those times when our life feels as flat as a soda that's lost its fizz.

The dark mood hangs on, even though nothing in our lives has changed. Our "glass" is as full today as it was yesterday. Last week. Last month.

Yet we see emptiness, not fullness.

That's because we call it as we see it at the moment, not as it is.

It's not helpful that we may do that with our family members and friends, too. We become blind to their good points and see only their faults.

We look at our lives and say, "Well, nobody's life is perfect, but …"

Then that little voice inside asks, Couldn't my life be a bit, um, more? Couldn't that other person change just a little bit? If only ….

Trust me, it's risky to hang around too long in the land of "If only."

I know a woman, let's call her Ginny, and I doubt she ever goes there. She has a pile of problems, but you'd never guess. Ask her how she's doing and she usually replies, "Great! If my life got any better, I couldn't stand it!"

Ask her to elaborate and she'll say, "Well, I am breathing in and out–and that's a good thing. My arms and legs get me around, no help needed, and my mind works just fine. So do my eyes, even if I do need Coke-bottle eyeglasses to see well. I have a roof over my head and I eat regularly. I'm part of a church family, where we love the Lord and we love each other. Best of all, I know Jesus loves me and watches over me, so I see myself as rich."

It took me awhile to understand that every time Ginny repeats all the reasons she has to be thankful it reinforces in her mind that she is blessed and it shifts her thinking to what's good and right and true.

Does that sounds too simple? Most great truths are.

What if you and I counted our blessings not just on Thanksgiving, but every day of the year?

Suppose we gave up harping on what's wrong and bemoaning what's missing and deliberately focused on what is good. Saying it out loud helps, too, even if there's no one else around.

Picture starting each day with, "Thank you, Lord, for this day and for every blessing in my life. Thank you for promising to be with me every minute. Guide me and use me, I pray, and get me through this day."

Think how that simple change could improve our marriages, our family relationships and our friendships.

Researchers say don't stop there

Don't take my word for it. A Texas Tech University study proved the value of counting our blessings and then counting them again. They divided study participants into two groups with similar life situations.

This turned out to be a genius way to prove that even such a simple practice made a huge difference. The folks who frequently and deliberately took time to re-appreciate the good in their lives scored themselves as happier than those who didn't.

Researchers concluded that counting our blessings–over and over–reminds us of their value and helps us stay contented.

As the song says,

"Count your blessings, name them one by one . . .

"And it will surprise you what the Lord has done."

Our perception of life depends on where we look.

Most of all it helps if we take our eyes off the gifts and focus on the Giver. He is the real source of life in our life.

Here are some verses to help us get us started.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Why not give it a try?

This Thanksgiving and every day may you have blessings too numerous to count–and may you have eyes to see them!

Wishing you joy,

Lenore

Put some life back in your life

November 14, 2022
Even when we know our life is good, it can feel overwhelming at times

Even if we're living out our dream. Even when we know we're blessed. Even–surprisingly–though we may be living our dream.

Today, when that old, old feeling strikes me, I go back to what I discovered as a frazzled young mom.

Living on overload was dragging me down. But how to get a grip?

Was I praying? Absolutely. I could see God's goodness in our life, but most days I felt myself hustling just to keep up on the basics.

I needed more. I needed some sort of a practical action plan. A stronger, wiser way of looking at people and my life.

From that crisis point I went back to school, so to speak. Any tidbit of time I could manage I first read the Bible and fed my soul. I scoured our daily newspaper and clipped useful articles. I tore out magazine articles and pored over good self-help books. I kept a notebook where I copied out the best sections and jotted down notes.

Enter Dr. Crane, who offered advice, free for the taking

His column ran regularly in our newspaper. His down-to-earth approach to life appealed to me. This professional's syndicated column, "Dr. Crane Says," ran in newspapers all over the USA. Later I learned his column already had been running for decades when I found it for myself.

Each time I found useful pointers for living. Even then I knew it was genius to take lengthy principles for mental health and boil them down to their essence, so that readers of any educational level could understand them.

Back then it seemed groundbreaking when Dr. Crane's "Just for Today" piece appeared. Over the years I noticed he reran it periodically, always explaining it cut down on constant requests for reprints.

The first time I read it I taped it to a cupboard door and reread it at least once a day. His simple wisdom painted a picture for me of what it would look like to live richly and feel I had some control over my life. It laid out a clear track that anyone could follow.

Recently I ran across this old friend again

Obviously, I'm not the only reader who prized Dr. Crane's practical wisdom. Since this piece now is in the public domain, I pass it on in its original 1921 version. May you, too, find these timeless words useful and helpful. Even today, they speak to my heart. May they speak to yours, too.

                                                        JUST FOR TODAY

Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

    (a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

    (b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

    (c) I will not show any one that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests, Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love love me.

Even today, in 2021, the plan points us toward sound mental health, doesn't it? Most refreshing of all, there's not one word of controversy or fear or politics.

Does the list sound too daunting to master? First let's remind ourselves this is a list to work toward, not one one which we either pass or fail. It's like a road map that points toward an attractive destination.

Besides, we're not in this alone. Today and every day, our Best Friend is with us and strengthens us. Here's the key Bible verse that proves that.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.                                                             Philippians 4:13

Just for Today, with God's help, we'll make it through.

Still growing, too,

Lenore

How to make it through the not-so-good days

October 12, 2021
Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that.

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs–or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new–and we will–we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere.

Molehills grow into mountains in no time.

Stick with the better way

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child–whatever their age–and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships.

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family.

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating.

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky.

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel–without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

Each family member shares the high point of their day.

Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day–while the others listen.

(Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.")

Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch."

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends.

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel–and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. —Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  –2 Corinthians 5:17

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  –Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change–and our happiness level will keep rising.

Learning, too,

Lenore
How to raise your happiness level right where you are

March 17, 2021
"Strategies to make every day better." It sounds too simple, doesn't it?

I hear you saying, "If I'm having 'one of those days,' how on earth can I make it better?"

But you can, I can, we all can.

If we choose to grab hold of the power. Here's how.

1. Decide to make it a good day

When I was a young mom I read a book that challenged my thinking.

The author maintained that more than any other factor, our thoughts dictate the happiness level of our lives. Each day we decide it will be a "good" day or a "bad" day and then act accordingly.

Could that be true? I thanked God our life was good and I wanted to be a happy mama, but most days I was more of a dreary mama.

The next day I woke up in a lousy mood, then remembered what the author said. (Insert groan.) Okay, I would try it for myself. I would fake smiles and act cheerful and not expect much in return.

Surprise. My husband smiled back and kissed me more enthusiastically before he left the house. All day our children squabbled less and seemed happier. When problems arose instead of awfulizing and complaining to God, I murmured, "Lord, help me."

And one way or another, He did.

Looking around the dinner table each family member seemed more contented, including me. At bedtime even our balkiest child trotted upstairs without argument.

As for me, instead of my usual rundown of "what ifs" I fell asleep quickly.

The next morning I tested that far-out theory again, with the same pleasing results. I promised myself that every day I would decide to have a good day.

Over time that simple practice bore a lovely crop of good fruit in our marriage and our kids.

Did I slip up now and then? Sure. Then I would start over again, asking the Lord's ever-present help.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. –Isaiah 41:10 NIV

2. Believe you are–or will be–well and strong

At first this strategy made no sense. If I'm feeling achy or have an actual health problem, that's beyond my control. Right?

Not necessarily.

Chalk it up to how suggestible we all are. Healthy or not, any time we ask ourselves, "Where do I hurt?" we can find some area or body part that doesn't feel quite right.

Then we begin to wonder what it means, maybe even spend time on Google trying to figure it out.

That line of thinking guarantees we'll feel worse.

Even if we have chronic health problems, our thoughts make us feel better or worse.

Every time it helps to concentrate on, "I know God is with me and He will never leave me."

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

3. Choose to live love

Love is all about emotion. We're "in love" as long as we feel love toward another person.

Isn't that what we all believe and read and watch on the screen? (That's fiction, remember?)

To build something more lasting we do well to consider a basic principle of Marriage Encounter. It runs contrary to popular thought:

"Love is a daily decision."

Not a feeling. Not a mood. Not an emotion.

Every day we decide all over again to love. To speak and act in loving ways and work to strengthen our relationship.

We decide today to love the person our spouse is today.

If that sounds artificial, think back to before marriage. Didn't we take care to speak love and show love even on our bad days?

In every stage of life we can pick out what's good or fixate on what's missing. Whichever we choose will affect how we treat each other.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. –Ephesians 4:2-3 NLT

It's not rocket science

I wouldn't pretend I've lived these strategies perfectly and I'm not much for "programs." All I know is these principles changed me and changed my life for the better.

Whatever your situation, why not give it a try?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Strategies to make every day better

January 29, 2020
Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.

Here's what I wish I had said to her.

For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.

The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.

Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other.

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

The typical male does not share that perception.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

Even with our husband or wife.

Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

"We," not "I"

"Us," not "me"

"Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.

Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood the test of time.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore
What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?

November 27, 2019
February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic–isn't that part of being female?–so I fantasize.

Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up.

Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

Years of living together taught me a greater truth

My perspective changed. Now I know:

Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."

Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."

Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."

Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."

Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning.

Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.

Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.

Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.

Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.

And vice versa.

I've learned–sometimes the hard way–that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.

Let's rejoice in what is

Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love–and ourselves.

Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties!

An anytime checklist

Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

Related articles

Why a good marriage is always "under construction"
There’s more to love than hearts and flowers and all the rest

February 1, 2017
Here's a question to ponder: Are you "all in" in your marriage?

That is, where do you rank your marriage relationship in your value system?

Some wives and husbands are consumed–and fed–by their jobs.

For couples with children, either one or both may place their children's needs before everything–and everyone–else.

Still others concentrate on their personal growth and interests such as music or sports or physical fitness. That's what fills them up as individuals.

It's easy to assume the relationship between wife and husband kind of takes care of itself

As one husband said, "Well, we're married for Pete's sake. Isn't that enough of a statement?"

A wife said, "We don't have much one-on-one time anymore, but someday we will. He loves me and I love him and well, it's restful to just relax and not try so hard."

Always, the danger is that one or both spouses may feel a nagging sense something is lacking in their marriage.

Can a marriage grow strong on leftovers of time and energy?

A green plant stuck in a dark corner and watered "whenever" may cling to life, but it will be a pitiful, spindly thing. Something like that happens to a marriage relationship left on its own to wait until everyone and everything else is taken care of.

Like any living thing, a marriage needs care and tending if it's to thrive instead of wither.

Here's the good news. What nurtures the marriage also feeds and buoys up the marriage partners.

If this sounds like a win-win situation, it is.

I need a turnaround. Where do I start?

Before you do anything else, pray for fresh eyes to see, a teachable spirit and courage to change. Trust me, you'll need all three.

It's tempting to first identify all the ways your spouse needs to change, but that's a waste of time. The only person you or I can change is the one that looks back at us from our mirrors.

Try making a list of what's right instead. Use your smart phone, your computer, or plain old paper and ballpoint pen.

Whatever means you choose, hang onto this list.

Now start writing. Don't quit until you've written down ten or more qualities or habits you truly value in your wife or husband. Read it out loud to yourself.

Keep your list handy

Reread your list every day. Add to it as you spot additional pluses–and you will, now that you're looking for what's good.

One more thing–and this may be the most important–don't keep it to yourself. Compliment your husband or wife and be specific, even if it feels unnatural at first.

Pay attention to how your mood changes over time and how your spouse reacts. Is there a new warmth between you?

As this becomes your habitual way of relating to each other, you won't want to give it up.

Modeling for the next generation

Today most kids interact with peers whose parents have split. Often they fear their mom and dad will be next.

Here's how to add to their security, big -time. Youngsters who know their parents love each other deeply and put each other first experience a deep-down sense of peace and stability.

You read that right: Parents who put each other first give their children a solid, stable base for life.

Every day such parents provide life lessons on how to live as Christian marriage partners. That's more powerful than any words.

Looking for reliable guidelines?

Here are some which have stood the test of time.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal . . . Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things . . . So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. –1 Corinthians 13:1, 4-7, 13 (ESV)

I never read those words without remembering the speaker who told us, "When you read those words, substitute your own name for the word 'love.'"

Ouch!

You know and I know not one of us can live up to that list perfectly, every day.

Nevertheless, it shows us what perfect love looks like. For me, at least, it helps guide me back to the way I want to love my husband.

Still growing,

Lenore

How to be happier in the marriage you’re in

September 21, 2016
I don't know about you, but I'm longing for lazy time in the sun, looking out at a deep blue ocean, with palm trees and endless sun…

Some place like Acapulco, for instance.

I hadn't thought much about Acapulco before the January day I heard a convention speaker describe it in Chamber-of-Commerce terms.

All I knew about him was his name: Zig Ziglar.

Once he took the podium he spun some country stories, his southern accent coming through. the stories never stopped.

After awhile he looked out over his audience, smiling and with his eyes twinkling and asked:

"How many of you think you're overworked and too stressed to take time off to relax?"

Most of us in that large auditorium raised our hands.

"Well, how about a package deal that includes two round-trip plane tickets, plus vouchers for a week at a plush oceanside resort, all meals and tips included.

"Now, I know you're overworked and too stressed to take time off to relax . . . (He grinned and paused for what seemed a long time.) "But how many of you think you could be at the airport, checked in and ready to fly to Acapulco by 2 o'clock tomorrow afternoon? Raise your hands, please."

Laughter. Cheers. Everyone waving their raised hands.

Zig waited for us to quiet down

Then he said in a soft voice, "Well, if you could have been packed and ready to go to Acapulco by tomorrow at 2, why can't you manage to take a weekend off with your spouse or your whole family?

"I'll bet there's a nice motel with an indoor swimming pool not too far from where you live.

"The point is each of us somehow manages to do what we really think is important to do.

"And nothing is more important than your marriage and your family!

"Don't put the people you love last on your To Do list! When your personal life is happy you'll be more productive in every other area of your life–and less stressed, too."

Are you feeling stressed and overworked?

All of us wonder sometimes How will I make it through the day?

It's true for moms. And dads. For the married and the single. For old and young. For people who struggle from paycheck to paycheck and for those who don't.

Even if we're well-adjusted.

Even when we're happily married and love our children to pieces.

Even though we're strong Christians.

Sometimes, for no particular reason, life simply feels overwhelming.

Times like that we dream of escape–to Acapulco, or any place, really, where we can be calm and quiet, with time to think and no pressure.

But we stay

We stay because we love our spouse and our children.

We stay because we have something to do that matters.

We stay because we know deep down we're right where we need to be.

And because it's the way to peace in our hearts.

So we take a deep breath and ask God to renew our strength and our joy–and maybe our love.

And we remember again what the writer of Ecclesiastes said in chapter 4:6:

Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind. –Ecclesiastes 4:6 (NIV)

Besides . . .

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit. – Proverbs 15:13 (NIV)

Even in Acapulco.

Growing, too,

Lenore

Could you be packed and ready to fly to Acapulco tomorrow?

January 21, 2015