Category: Gossip

  • "Loose lips sink ships!"

    That's a slogan from World War II, when our Government wanted everyone on the "Home Front" to stop "loose talk," that is, inadvertently revealing some sort of military info they had picked up from a conversation or a letter sent home from the War.

    Blog. Two women. cafe. 7.15The phrase hangs around because it so aptly describes how the thoughtless words of one person can "sink" what's important to another.

    As when we're with a good friend and mindlessly blurt out something like, “Well, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but …."                

    Such tasty little tidbits may taste sweet. For a moment or two.

    Then our stomach drops as we realize we passed on something we had no right to share. Perhaps it's something another person trusted us with, trusted us enough to feel sure we would keep it to ourselves. 

    Disillusionment

    We thought we were better than that! We thought we had personal integrity!

    Now it hits us. We can't unsay the words we weren't supposed to share. The person we said it to cannot unremember it. And who knows where it goes from here?    

    Sometimes we try to rebuild our own sense of who we are by telling ourselves, "Well, at least I'm not a gossip!" 

    Or are we?

    I’ve learned gossip usually starts with one of these phrases:

    • “Now, don’t tell anybody, but . . . 
    • “This is not for publication, but . . . 
    • “I don’t know if this is true, but . . . 

    Any time we start a sentence with one of those phrases a big red flag should start waving in our minds. A clue that signals we are wandering into dangerous territory.  

    Even when we're "only listening," we have a responsibility to interrupt whatever words the other person wants to pass on.  

    After all, gossip is like the tango: It takes two. 

    Nothing has changed since Solomon warned against it centuries ago:  

    Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.  –Proverbs 26:20  NIV

    A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man [woman] keeps a secret.  –Proverbs 11:13  NIV

    And don't we all want to be known as trust-worthy?

    Shut off the flow

    By now you've figured out that I must have firsthand experience in all this–and I plead guilty.

    It shocked me because never before had I used the word "gossip" about myself. Now I had to face the fact I, too, could be labeled a gossip–and I deserved that I.D.

    Right then I didn't like myself very much and I truly wanted to change, so I turned to the Bible. I found Psalm 141:3, which hit home: 

    Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!  ESV

    This became my prayer. For a long time after, any time I was to be with friends I asked God beforehand to guide my words and to make me worthy if anyone chose to open up about their lives.  

    Thoughtless words matter, too 

    Words matter because words can cut deep.  

    I remember the time "Laurie," a good friend much younger than I, confided why she harbored some hurt feelings about a mutual friend. It seemed to me she went on and on about it.

    So I, the self-appointed all-knowing one, replied, “Laurie, you just need a thicker skin. You need to learn not to be so sensitive. Besides, you’re probably making too much of it.” 

    A few minutes later I walked away congratulating myself for my wise advice.

    Every friend of Laurie had heard her declare she was "too sensitive," so at the time I thought I just reminded her of that. Besides, she nodded her head and said, "You're right."

    The rest of the story 

    Months later Laurie friend told me how those words stung. “I knew you loved me, so I let it pass. All my life people have been telling me not to be so sensitive and my mom always said I was 'tenderhearted.'

    "It took me years to work it through that God made me who I am. Eventually I came to understand that’s not a bad thing. In fact, hurting people often tell me it helped them than I'm a good listener and I really care. 

    “Good or bad, yes, I am ‘sensitive’—and finally, finally, I know that’s okay.” 

    Yes, I knew Laurie has a gentle spirit, but I hadn't stopped to think my glib words could sound uncaring to her. 

    That's when I understood how deeply I had wounded this person I loved. 

    It reminded me of another truth. Any of us may complain about our own weaknesses, or even poke fun of them. But when another person repeats our same words back to us it can feel like an arrow to the heart. I don't like it and I'm guessing you don't, either. 

    It's another reminder of Luke 6:31:

    Do to others as you would like them to do to you.  LNT

    Watching our words 

    Forget all the “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” stuff.

    Not true. Words can inflict wounds that never heal. 

    Friendships die. Marriages fall apart. Parents and children become alienated from each other, all because one or the other vents their feelings in a moment of heat.  

    Blaise Pascal sums it up perfectly and points us to the better way: 

    Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. Kind words also produce their image on [people’s] souls; and a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, and comfort the hearer.

    Doesn't that paint a lovely picture of how we're meant to relate to each other?

    Pascal's words simply echo what we know by faith

    Throughout the Bible we pick up the same thread, like this, from the Apostle Paul.

    Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is good for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29  NIV

    Can you imagine the ripple effects if we took Paul's words to heart?

    It would transform our lives–and our relationships.

    Where do we start?

    For most of us, changing and growing is a gradual process. For Christians it's also a matter of praying, asking God to make us new and to show us how to live.   

    We resolve to think before we speak and to listen to our own words. We remember how often we fail at that so we ask God to help us. To indeed, set a guard over our mouth and to keep watch over our lips. 

    And always, we remember we are not on our own. Jesus is always with us and enabling us to carry out what he asks of us. Even zip up our loose lips.

    I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

    Trusting, too,

    Lenore

    What to do about loose lips

  • The other day a friend said, "I don't know why, but I rag on my poor husband all the time–about nothing.

    "That sweet man never gets angry, Blog. Attractive-older-woman. 9.16.11just waits for me to run out of steam and keeps on loving me anyhow."

    Maybe you catch yourself falling into that trap once in awhile.

    Me, too.

    Especially with my own sweet husband, who unfortunately happens to be an imperfect human being.

    (Like his wife.)

    Home, the 24/7 proving ground

    It's at home that we slip up most often, isn't it? Because our loved ones love us we feel free enough to blurt out whatever comes to mind.

    Yet if you're like me, your mom told you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything."   

    We tell our kids, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

    Sometimes we're not so good at living out those truths in our day-to-day conversations with the person(s) we say we love the most.

    Here's the hard truth I didn't want to look at

    Our thoughtless words at home speak louder than our words at church.

    They reveal what's inside us.

    Every time we open our mouths we bring chaos or comfort. As the writer of Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) put it: 

    Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

    Over the years I've grown somewhat wiser and more aware of myself. I've also learned to say from the heart, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

    My husband always does, but we both know no apology blots out the memory of hurtful words.

    Now, about those loose lips . . .

    Some of us, um, forget when we're supposed to keep a secret. Or we carelessly share way more information than outsiders have a right to know.

    Even without evil intent, we can do harm.

    There's a remedy available, but not at the drugstore. I discovered it at a time when it was essential for me to, shall we say, keep my mouth shut about confidences that had been shared. I found this wonderful verse from Psalms and it became my frequent prayer.

    Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. –Psalm 141:3  NIV

    I've found that verse "hits me and fits me." It reminds me to think before I speak. It helps me control my wayward tongue.

    Did somebody mention gossip?

    I'm not a gossip. You're not a gossip.

    We do talk about others, however, often in loving concern. To us, that doesn't feel like gossip. 

    To the subject(s) of our conversation, however, it probably does–unless we have their permission to share their stories.

    Here's the problem: As soon as we tell another person we lose control of what happens next.

    We can never predict the ripple effect of our words once they leave our mouths.

    Gossip is not a new phenomenon. Solomon, the writer of most of Proverbs, knew that once we share a juicy bit of information, it can't be unsaid.

    The words of a gossip are swallowed greedily, and they go down into a person's innermost being.  Prov. 26:22  GW. 

    Nothing about human nature has changed since the time of Solomon.

    Recalculating our aim

    That's a word the recorded voice on our GPS often uses when we fail to follow the directions given. Then we may hear, "recalculating."

    That's what the Psalm 141 verse noted above does for me. It helps me recalculate the direction I'm taking and sets me back on the right road. I've found that repeating Bible verses like this reminds me who I am and how I want to be.

    I can't do it on my own. Thanks be, I don't have to. 

    Neither do you.

    All we need to do is ask.

    Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. –Hebrews 4:16 NIV

    Peace and joy,

    Lenore

    The case for watching our words