Category: Husbands

Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take?

Then came babies.

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.

Yet, somehow they did.

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ….

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

"We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."

"You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."

"We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage.

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage."

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better–if He chose–so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself.

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.'

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.

"I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too.

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage–and in me.

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them–and their marriages.

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye.

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer.

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter.

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength … The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse.

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself–or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends!

Lenore
How to put more joy in your marriage

October 8, 2022
Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him–or her–happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds.

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.

No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions.

Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish.

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect.

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think–or care–about the needs of our husband or wife.

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time–or energy–for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak–kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice:

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives.

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

God before we

We before you

You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

This much I know for sure

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always,

Lenore
Build a lasting marriage on “we” instead of “me”

February 11, 2021
Standing in the airport's long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the thirtyish couple standing ahead of us.

The petite wife pushed her long dark hair behind her ear and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends," she said between sobs.

"I know, I know," her husband said, wrapping his burly arms around her.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Look, we've talked this over so many times and we have to go. The decision is made. We agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. Remember?"

She nodded, tears streaking her cheeks.

"It will be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airlines clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Neither one said a word. She bit her quivering lip and wiped her eyes. The husband appeared stoic, almost wooden. I know that look because I've seen it on my husband's face.

Soon the wife headed toward the ladies' restroom.

That's when I glimpsed his heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man without emotion or so excited and confident that her misgivings about their upcoming move didn't matter.

She sat down next to her husband, smiling a wavering smile, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Neither one said a word.

How often do we miss what the one closest to us is feeling?

Often we hide what's going on inside.

The "experts" say females are more likely to be in touch with our feelings and more able to communicate them than are most males.

That being true, it's not surprising husbands and wives often talk past each other. When we wives say what we're feeling we expect our husbands to respond with equal emotion. Often they don't, either because they can't find the words or because they really don't know what they're feeling.

We mistake their silence for tuning us out. We're quick to label them "cold" or "uncaring," even "selfish."

That day I saw both sides acted out

The young husband telegraphed his personal struggle the minute his wife walked away. His shoulders drooped and his lower lip quivered. But for her sake, he never let his wife see that.

She couldn't have known he harbored some doubts of his own.

I wanted to tell them. I had to fight the urge to walk over and say, "Be honest with each other, now, before it's final, or this could drive a wedge between you. Talk it through. Cry together. Pray together. It may hurt, but it will draw you together and make you one again."

How do I know? Because my husband and I have lived out situations of our own. Lived them out both ways. Yes, we've survived and we've worked it out eventually. But later, more than once we've thought, Oh, what a waste of time and pain when we could have been there for each other.

Sharing honestly–with kindness and consideration–might not have changed anything, outwardly. Still, it would have made all the difference in how we got through our days and got from here to there.

Do you mean we should never keep our feelings to ourselves?

No, of course not. To "let it all hang out" every single time can be destructive. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is zip our lips.

Why would we do that? Because while we may not like the thing that's before us or the mess we're living through, we believe in our marriage and that's more important than our individual feelings of the moment.

What matters is that the two of us know we're in it together. One motto applies, in every situation:

Keep your eye on your oneness and overlook the temporary struggle.

As for the ending to the airport story

I don't know what happened to those two, but they caused me to look within. I had to ask myself, how often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, a personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's not the kind of love Jesus spoke of.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

It's funny how God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways, isn't it?

If we open the eyes of our hearts.

In love,

Lenore

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June 27, 2018
February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic–isn't that part of being female?–so I fantasize.

Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up.

Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

Years of living together taught me a greater truth

My perspective changed. Now I know:

Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."

Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."

Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."

Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."

Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning.

Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.

Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.

Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.

Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.

And vice versa.

I've learned–sometimes the hard way–that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.

Let's rejoice in what is

Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love–and ourselves.

Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties!

An anytime checklist

Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

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February 1, 2017
Most of us have days now and then when we feel unlovable.

You know how it goes.

For example, take this morning. I complained (mildly) for maybe the thousandth time about a minor annoyance.

Then the darling guy I married a lifetime ago dared to utter one harmless, absolutely logical remark–and with a smile, yet.

"Well, maybe it's time to just get over it."

The Ice Age Cometh

Immediately I felt my personal ice curtain slithering down. I knew he spoke truth, but did that melt the ice? Uh-uh.

Maybe I can blame it on occasional chilly mealtimes when I was a kid.

When one of us was in trouble with you-know-who it got very quiet. All you heard was, "Please pass the butter," or "May I have the mashed potatoes?"

At the time I vowed I would never, never, never follow that example.

As an adult I've worked hard to stamp out what feels like a "natural" response. Most of the time I'm successful. But once in awhile I forget.

Amazingly, this patient man keeps on loving me–on good days and the other kind

I'm his wife and he's my husband. We spoke our wedding vows before God and family long ago, back when we were young and clueless–and we meant it. All through our marriage that pledge has carried us through life's inevitable down times.

We've clung to each other and to God and carried on, growing stronger and closer all the way.

My husband knows I love him. Period. I know he loves me. Period.

As for our four daughters and sons-in-love and our grandchildren, we love each one. Period.

Nothing they do–or don't do–will change that one tiny bit.

I think that's a small glimpse of how God feels about us

No matter how hard we try, no matter how many times we resolve to do better, sooner or later we fall short. And yet He loves us. All because of Jesus.

(Jesus said) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." –John 3:16-17

Jesus came to set us right with the Father. By faith we are his children.

Because I love and trust Jesus as my Savior, God forgives me, even when I slip up. Period.

(Jesus said) "He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." (John 14:21)

That's it. Nothing more is required. Just faith in Jesus

It's not complicated. Find a quiet place to talk with Him, that is, to pray.

Then pour out your heart, even all the stuff you really don't want to talk about. Ask His forgiveness for your failures. Leave that heavy bundle of past failings with Him and feel the weight lift from your shoulders.

Perhaps you're not sure God exists, let alone Jesus. Then tell Him. Ask Him to let you know in your heart and your spirit that He is real.

His love doesn't depend on whether you're "good enough" because Jesus died to pay for the sins of the world. It's a done deal. That's what He meant when He said on the cross, "It is finished." John 19:30

Know one thing for sure

You've heard the verse, God is love.

We can't compare our human love to God's love for us. That's like comparing the water in a toy teacup to the water in the Pacific. His love is a mystery beyond our comprehension.

I get a tiny hint of understanding on days like this, when I can't figure out how my husband goes on loving his imperfect wife.

I'm just thankful he does.

Blessings,

Lenore

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May 11, 2016
This week my husband and I celebrated another wedding anniversary.

We've been married since we were just kids, crazy in love and wanting only to be together. I'm delighted to report, we're still holding hands.

Our first daughter arrived two years later, followed by three more beautiful little girls.

(In case you feel sorry for my husband, don't bother. What guy doesn't like getting mobbed by adoring little girls every time he walks in the door? Still today they love him dearly.)

In the beginning we believed by blind faith we could count on each other. Now we know it by experience. We are, in truth, each other's best friend.

Did we ever struggle? Of course. Over the years we learned and grew, as individuals and as a couple.

The key to lifetime marriage

Every marriage is the union of two imperfect people because, well, that's all there is.

From the start we had an advantage. You see, we meant what we promised God and each other on our wedding day. Each of us married for life.

That's critical, I think. My best comparison is the difference between a career and a job.

Individuals intent on building careers swallow temporary frustrations and make allowances, refusing to be discouraged by setbacks. They focus on the future, rich with promise, and that keeps them going. Their motto is, "This is the career I want and I'll do what it takes to make it work."

People who say, "It's just a job," like to keep their options open. They say, "If the going gets rough, I can quit anytime I want. After all, this isn't the only job out there."

A checklist of basic truths we've learned

Throw away that mental list of your husband's shortcomings. Instead, concentrate on strengths. (Isn't that what you want from him?)

Remember that love thrives on respect. All of us more likely give respect when we feel respected.

Putting each other down–especially when others are present–quickly frays the fabric of love.

Always speak well of your husband to your children and in front of them. (Otherwise, why would they respect their father?)

More important than lipstick: Wear a happy face–and season your words with love. It lifts the spirits of the whole family.

Say "thank you" often and be generous with compliments. (Wives are not the only ones who appreciate being appreciated.)

Big lesson I learned: I do not "shrink" or lose face when I cherish my husband. Besides, when he feels loved and valued he's more ready to reciprocate.

Put your marriage relationship ahead of either one's personal rights. Make this your standard: "Is this good for our marriage?" (Isn't your marriage more important than a temporary "win?")

If you're not already of the same mind about believing in Jesus, consider a U-turn. Ask God to guide you. Check out Jesus-centered churches. When you share the same faith, you share common agreement on many issues that otherwise could be troublesome.

Three great Bible verses to live by

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. –Proverbs 12:18

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. –Ephesians 4:2-3

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. –1 Peter 4:8

Here's to treating our marriages as what they are: priceless treasures.

Take joy in today and tomorrow will be better, I promise.

Lenore

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February 7, 2014
My sweetheart and I just marked another in a long string of wedding anniversaries.

Is he really perfect? Well, probably not. Am I? Certainly not. Have we grown and
changed? Absolutely.

I fell hard for this handsome young fella the first time he aimed a smile my way.

We married young and experts would have pronounced us doomed for divorce. They didn't know we meant it when we promised to be faithful and to stay married for life. Most of all, we knew God was on our side. As that favorite wedding text, Ecclesiastes 4:12 puts it:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

So when we hit those inevitable rough spots, we prayed and clung to each other and worked it through.

"Until death do us part" ensures time to grow–and see more clearly

The darling I dreamed of would wow me with extravagant gestures of love. The darling I live with wows me with endless quiet deeds of love.

I knew life with the boy I loved would be easy, just because we would be together. Life with the man I love at times grew tense and chill descended, but we kept talking and worked it through.

The mate of my imagination would never be too busy to listen to my ramblings. The mate I live with always hears what's on my heart.

The lover of my romantic dreams would say memorable things like the movie hero who makes his lady swoon. The lover in my life has seen me at my worst–and still thinks I'm memorable, which makes me swoon.

The man I pictured making a life with would stand for truth and beauty and community-mindedness and of course, everyone would look up to him. The man I make a real life with quietly lives with faith in Jesus–and all the rest follows.

The one I dreamed of making a life with would come home with a happy heart and swing me off my feet. The one I make a life with comes home and stays home with a heart that's happy if I'm happy. He "swings me off my feet" with a smile.

The guy I married never cooked and considered housekeeping my domain. The sweetheart I live with now taught himself to cook and does housework because, he says, after so many years it's turnabout fair play.

The young man I fell for gave me butterflies with a smile or an arm around my waist. The always-young man I'm married to still gives me flutters with that certain smile or that certain hug.

Does all this sound impossible?

I promise you, it's not.

Trust me, we're very human and we made mistakes. We absolutely know God watched over us and blessed us every step of the way.

The point is, He will do the same for you. Just ask Him.

Then walk in faith. Pray. Love as wholeheartedly as you can. Watch your thoughts, because whatever you think about all the time can crowd out what's real.

In marriage as in life, keep your attention on what is, not on what's missing.

Will it be worth all the prayers and tears and struggles? Yes!

Wishing you joy,

Lenore
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February 23, 2013