Category: Personal identity

If someone asked, "Tell me about you and your life," how would you answer?

We all have a mental picture of who we are.

Maybe we lost track of where it came from but we're used to it and it feels like fact. Every moment this inner picture either lifts us up or drags us down.

Our thoughts–and our words–can hem us in or set us free.

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Take a listen

Sometime back a popular radio talk show host announced the day's topic: "Are you a victim?"

He introduced his guest, a professional counselor, and then opened the phone lines. One of the first callers was "Rita," whose tears kept interrupting her story

"Am I a victim? Absolutely! Last fall I was beaten up and raped. That attacker ruined my life!"

Asked about her family or friends, Rita replied they kept trying to reach her and her fiancé still wanted to marry her.

"I don't want to see any of them!" she sobbed. "Everyone just feels sorry for me, so I don't go out. Anywhere. With anyone.

"They tell me I'm depressed, but why wouldn't I be? My life was good and I had a happy future planned with the man I love. Now I know I will never be the same. I can't ever be the same.

"Once you become a rape victim it changes everything."

"Mindy" called next

She said, "I was raped, too, by a neighbor I thought I could trust. That horror followed years of my stepfather molesting me.

"Like your last caller, I saw myself as a victim. I lashed out at anyone who came near me and kept asking, 'Why me?' Night and day I hugged my pain around me and inside, I shivered in misery.

"After a long time I realized I had lost myself. When I thought of myself as 'the victim,' I locked out everything and everybody. I decided I didn't want to live like that anymore, so I searched out a good counselor and worked on building a new life. A better life.

"I want to say to the woman who just called, it's true you never will forget what happened. But you decide what you will do with this experience.

"You can rename it, like, call it a pothole in the road you were on. Everyone has those. Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt and leave you shaken, but it doesn't have to stop you in your journey–unless you let it.

"I hope you can hear me. I know your pain, I really do because I've been there. I came to understand that I was choosing to see myself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

"Forgive me, I know this sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You are doing that all by yourself."

Could there be meaning for our lives?

Here's my number one takeaway:

In every situation, how we think and speak of ourselves not only impacts our lives, but can determine our lives.

Once we plug that into our thinking it can help us deal with whatever comes.

Whatever the reason, we all have times we feel unworthy and unlovable. Some of us ache with regrets over past or current failures or problems we can't fix.

Some of us loved and counted on a person who let us down in some way. Some of us constantly replay hurtful conversations that haunt us. Some of us got a raw deal from an employer or a co-worker and can't let go of the injustice.

Whatever is on our personal list, here's the truth in all of it: All these circumstances are the ordinary stuff of life.

Simply put, life can be hard. How do we live with the day-to-day?

Always, the same truth applies

We get to choose how we label–and view–our lives. And ourselves. Every. Single. Time.

We can stay in the "pity pit" and be stuck with its lousy view. We can vow to trust no one ever again, as a way to protect ourselves.

We can put up emotional walls against being wounded, essentially living as loners, even within a marriage.

Or–and I know this may sound too simple–we can dig deep and decide to leave our heavy load behind, with the One who knows our everything and loves us still:

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed … There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus … "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

John 8:36, Romans 8:1, John 14:27 -ESV

Millions of believers around the world know that no other way brings real inner peace

Faith in Jesus as our Lord and Savior gives us a new identity: "Child of God, Washed Clean and Set Free by Jesus."

This identity cancels out harmful labels, whatever they may be. It enables us to let go of what weighs us down and to finally be at peace. With God. With ourselves. And with the people in our lives.

It's as Jesus said to his followers in John 14:27:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Praying for you, my reader friend,

Lenore

How Do You See Yourself?

December 1, 2023
When you look into a mirror who looks back at you?

Is it you as you really are or is it the person you think you should be?

This may seem a silly question, especially since it's a given that every one of us keeps growing and changing all through our lives–until one considers how many people rate their self-worth on the number of "likes" they get on social media. It's as if one's value as a person depends on what other people think of that individual.

By this logic, someone I never met–and likely never will–gets to tell me if I'm acceptable or not and whether my opinion is valid.

At the very least, isn't this un-American?

And if that's how we choose to live, doesn't it mean we hand over control of who we are and what we think to other people? To strangers?

With so many opinions floating around in our heads do we even know who we are?

Years ago–in the midst of my adolescent flailing around to find myself–my mom passed on this familiar quote from Shakespeare. She also briefly noted this truth offers a solid standard to live by:

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Even then I heard the inner click that signaled I needed to hang onto this truth.

Over time I realized my need for this to be true was as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. It explained why I could be troubled about some little cruelty among classmates or about suffering in a far-off country I could barely pronounce. Other kids my age just shrugged and said something like, "Aw, who cares? What does it matter to me?"

(As you might guess, this temperament quality never earned me the title "Miss Popularity.")

When I came to know myself better I realized the people I admired most were those who seemed to share this same need to be authentic.

When my husband and I met I sensed an inner honesty in him early on. Over a lifetime I found that to be always true. Yes, we disagreed sometimes, as all couples do, but each of us learned to respect the other's right to hold a different, well thought-out opinion. I knew I could trust him to be honest with me and he knew he never had to wonder if I were being truthful with him.

This mutual acceptance helped each of us feel more secure with ourselves and who we were. It also tremendously strengthened our marriage relationship.

United we stood

As parents we tried to anticipate what would be coming next and talk it through so we would be prepared for what came next. Our girls soon learned it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other to wangle permission for something we hadn't discussed. Our standard reply would be, "Sorry, but your dad (or mom) and I need to talk it over first."

This didn't stop our four lively, ever-changing daughters from trying. Or mounting campaigns complete with informing us that "all the other kids" already had their parents' okay.

We would listen patiently as they pleaded their case and then often say what they didn't want to hear: "Sorry, Hon, but we can't say Yes. We love you very much, but that wouldn't be for your best and that's what we're here for."

They still wailed (not wanting to appear too easy) but their pouts didn't last long.

Did they appreciate at the time that we were trying to be good parents? Not hardly.

Muddling through life

Isn't that what most of us do? None of us knows the precise path that lies ahead of us, so I'm guessing we do the best we can and try to do what's right.

I'm a Christian and I've learned that life is not about what I know, nor how good I am. How can I be sure? This may sound way too simple, but I trace it back to a simple faith song I learned as a young child. The song begins like this:

Jesus loves me, This I know, For the Bible tells me so.

These simple truths of faith have been for me like a solid railing that's in place beside a slippery path so all I have to do is grab hold and hang on tight as I walk.

Want something solid to hang onto for yourself?

Here's a trio of truths to start with:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

(Note the "whoever." This promise is for everyone. Everywhere.)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you. Psalm 32:8

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Once I got it straight in my mind that I am a child of God and He loves me, any uncertainty about figuring out who I was gradually cleared up and life got easier. Although I never got that Miss Popularity crown, it's okay. I know who I am.

I wish the same for you, dear reader,

Lenore

Let’s Be True to Who We Are

July 17, 2023
Have you ever been stuck in a mindset that kept you feeling you were slogging through life?

Been there, done that.

That's where I was when I gave up a long-ago Saturday morning to go hear a speaker I knew nothing about except what the ad told me. (What's more, I paid for the privilege.)

Right on time this "famous expert on mental health" bounded to the front of the large hotel meeting room as the one-hundred or so of us, a mixed group of all ages, sat waiting for our promised "transformation".

Our speaker bounded onstage with a smile and briefly introduced himself. Then he said, "I have great news for every one of you and here it is: "God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!"

(My first thought was, "What is this? Did I sign up for two hours of being yelled at?)

Then he switched techniques. He whispered, then spoke, then once again shouted these same five words at us, apparently to hammer home his point.

Every time he spoke on another facet of his theme, often including Bible verses, he would wind up with this:

"God don't make no junk! Say it with me now: 'God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!'"

By the last time it seemed everyone in that auditorium was yelling it back at him

I long ago forgot his name, but I never forgot his five-word slogan.

After he finished I watched as the crowd thinned, curious to know what others thought about our intense morning. Their faces telegraphed that most of them shared my mood. I hadn't found our speaker particularly impressive, yet I felt lifted up and at peace.

As I drove home I found myself repeating those five one-syllable words over and over: God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Sure, it was the mood of the moment. But I already believed the truth of those words before I walked into the place because I believe what Bible verses like this tell me.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. –2 Corinthians 5:17

That includes every person who believes in Jesus Christ. Every person.

Sometimes we all feel like "junk," don't we?

Unworthy. Unlovable. Lonely.

It's not a new phenomenon that a lot of kids and teens suffer with this perception.

We may assume that today's youngsters and teens are super self-assured and intelligent because they appear so confident. More often than we might guess that's a mask they put on around the rest of the world–even loving parents, teachers and friends.

Inside they may feel like junk when they struggle in school or in personal relationships and be yearning for someone who will see them and love them.

Unfortunately, often we adults don't help much. We're inclined to nag about grades and homework. Especially with teens we keep asking how do they expect to make it into college if they don't get it together?

(Have we ever had a caring conversation and let them talk? Maybe they don't want to go to college … )

We fall into the same trap with others we care about

We zero in on every little thing that isn't quite right–and point it out. Then we revisit the complaint(s) every chance we get. Too often we broaden out to remind them of every mistake they ever made, no matter how long ago.

We're like those radar-guided missiles that never deviate from their target.

It's good to remember that hearing those same old, same old painful messages can quickly carve deep grooves in a person's self-esteem.

We're human, so we forget. That's why we need to remind ourselves that always, we get to choose.

You and I can't change the world, but we can make our own world better

A good place to start is by fastening our attention on what's right in the people around us–and telling them. Often.

Let's keep our eyes open for when they do something right, then say so.

This practice serves as great reinforcement with parenting and training our children, too. Catch them doing what's right and say so!

The glow on their faces will tell us that speaking honest words of love and appreciation is what they want most. At any age.

Start small, even the smallest thing for which you can honestly give them a pat on the back. If you can't find anything, look harder.

Don't we all long for encouragement?

That's what it is when someone important to us gives us a pat on the back.

That's why these five words still make a good slogan. For any age. And for ourselves:

God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Anytime we're feeling "junky," it's easy to go back and read these glorious words:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made …    -Psalm 139:14

That's true even on our worst days, because God. Don't. Make. No. Junk!

Wishing you joy in living,

Lenore

A message for all times: “God. Don’t. Make. No. Junk!”

July 20, 2022
Have you ever considered the influence other people–real or imagined–have on how you think and how you live?

It's worth thinking about because such individuals easily become our role models. After that comes trying to measure up to them. What we forget is that most of the time what we see is a carefully staged image.

We already know that's true with celebrities, but we may not factor that in once we get on social media. Even when we don't it's easy to be drawn in because Facebook and the like now seep into every facet of life.

How many of us judge ourselves inadequate just because "they" are so perfect?

Real life examples

Because I write about people and life, I pay attention to what people care about. I aim to stay on-track and I'm always looking for raw material.

This plays out in odd ways. When I'm in a public place and can't avoid overhearing conversations I do not try to listen in, but sometimes it's impossible not to overhear what's said. Of course I would not record such interactions with my phone unless the speakers gave their permission to do so. I also avoid shooting photos or videos and never use real names unless given an okay. I do, however, often scribble notes surreptitiously, just so I don't forget.

In most conversations social media eventually creeps in. Here are a few examples, make-believe exchanges based on real life…

"I love Facebook! Last week I connected with my best friend from high school–haven't seen her since then. She looks terrific! We're getting together next month and I am in a panic. Before then I need to lose 10 pounds and get a total makeover!"

Or: "The other day I found my boys–who usually specialize in pestering each other–sitting with their arms around each other's shoulders. Faces clean, clothes clean, I couldn't believe it. I grabbed my phone and snapped a bunch of photos. Hope this raises my "likes" count. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't stop myself from keeping track."

Or: "Isn't Pinterest great? For months I've collected photos of bedrooms. Last week I found the most perfect room for little girls. Now I can relax and just copy every detail for my three-year old."

It's not just women. Listen to two men having lunch:

The business suit wearer said, "I'm so tired of reading on LinkedIn about guys I graduated with. You can tell by the cut of their suits that they make way more money than I do. What am I doing wrong?"

A few minutes later the one in athletic clothes later said, "I'm really tired of reading about guys my age who run marathons and set records. I used to do that, too, but now I have a bad knee. When I read about my old running buddies, well, next to them, I feel like a loser."

Wanting to measure up to another person is as old as Eden. What's different now is the easy accessibility of social media sites. It seems the one common element among all of them is endless pictures of "perfect" people who seemingly never mess up.

Is that even possible?

Next time evaluate what you see through this lens: People only post what they want you to see

Those angelic children? Think. Who posts pictures of their kids when they have stomach flu and are in mid-puke? Or shots of their "model" kitchen when they're running behind and that snazzy new sink overflows with dirty dishes?

It seems as if "everybody else" achieves great things. Think. Most people keep quiet about their near-misses. Or how often do you find photos of redecorating or remodeling mess-ups that got abandoned before the "perfect" one that made the cut?

I'm not implying deliberate intent to deceive, just that human nature usually is self-protective.

Even in the best of us.

A counselor said, "Too many people spend too much time on social media sites.

"They come into my office and say they're depressed and don't know why. From their talk it becomes clear they look at their lives through a sort of Facebook filter. They come away feeling vaguely dissatisfied with who they are and what they have.

"I try to bring them back to seeing what's real and right in front of them. To appreciating who they are and what they have. That can make a huge difference, all by itself."

For every one of us, our experiences and preferences are unique to us. (God creates us one-of-a-kind, remember?)

Yet if we dig long enough we begin to see we all wear a "filter" of some kind. That's true whether we're considering our individual values and perspective, even our marriage and our children, whether they are young or adult.

Some of us disagree. We may pat ourselves on the back and say, "I'm a thinking adult and I make up my own mind. That's it!"

Are you sure?

Where can we find a truly reliable standard?

For starters, human beings often let us down. Every hero or heroine has clay feet, just as we do. That is to say, every human being is fallible. Imperfect.

Suppose we just accepted that and let go of our angst.

Think how restful it would feel to stop measuring ourselves by anyone, whether they live next-door or show up in any kind of media.

Then we could give up counting our "likes" on some social media site and just be who we are. Ahhh, doesn't that feel good?

When it comes to finding a stands-the-test-of-time guide for living, how about these?

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2 ESV

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. Philippians 4:13 TLB

Can you think of a better place to find reliable role models than in this book that endures through the centuries?

You'll find peace for your heart, too.

Lenore

Do you really know your role models?

January 28, 2022
They're all around us, the people who drag us down and leave us mired in their words. Or attitudes. Some of us call them turkeys–and don't ask me why.

It might be a neighbor or friend who harps on the same gripes, time after time. Or it could might be someone seated beside you and for whatever reason, you can't escape. It could even be (gasp!) someone in your family.

A number of turkeys have their own talk shows, either on radio or TV. We listen while doing other tasks and tell ourselves we're not really paying attention, so what difference could it make in how we look at life?

Answer: More than we think.

Held captive by a turkey

Several years ago I sat in a small hair salon and next to me, a turkey was holding forth. This woman held a low opinion of everybody and everything, which she delighted to proclaim–loudly–to everyone within listening range.

Spoke so loudly that the rest of us gave up trying to carry on conversations and just sat there, squirming and looking uncomfortable. I was mid-haircut, etc., so there was no escape.

The longer the turkey talked, the more excited she got. She actually glowed with excitement.

We all live with turkeys around us, so what can we do?

As I drove home, I thought how once again, I so quickly felt that downward pull and got stuck in someone else's bad mood. I've learned when that happens it's no time until we get stuck on the negatives, too, and forget what's good.

Maybe you live or work with someone like that woman in the salon. Or perhaps you fight that tendency in yourself.

A seminar speaker offered one explanation of the way this works. He explained it as a process somewhat like the force of gravity. We don't have to be able to explain everything about physics to know that gravity is real and it exerts a downward force on objects–and people.

This speaker's whole emphasis was that we "catch" one another's moods. Curiously, negativity and dark outlooks spread faster than positive moods. It's as if they become weights–or yokes–we carry around with us.

Staying "up" is possible

That speaker laid out an effective technique that can turn us around when we're feeling down. All that's required is a pen and paper and a few minutes of time to think as we make some lists.

People choose their own names for their lists. For example, "My gratitude list," "Things I'm thankful for," or "Things I'm happy about."

Write your choice(s) as a heading at the top. Then think of at least ten things that fit. For example, maybe you're in a hard place right now, but did you wake up this morning? Could you taste what you ate? See the colors in the landscape outside your window?

You get the idea. Use the same technique with people. Try making a list of your husband's good points–and write at least ten things, even if you have to dig for them.

One woman in the group asked, "Right now I'm so frustrated with that man I can't think of anything he does right except he rinses out the sink after he brushes his teeth. Does that count?"

Our speaker replied, "Absolutely. Start small. Don't be looking for big things like, 'My husband always shares his feelings with me' or you may never find ten things to be thankful for."

We all laughed, but he made a good point

Do the same for each child, even–or especially–the one who's giving you trouble right now.

The point of it all is that we fail to see individuals as they are. We forget to notice what's good in the people around us. Instead, we fixate on what annoys us and before long, we can't see the person's good qualities and kind actions.

It's time to take off the blinders. Prepare to be surprised, because listing reasons to be thankful will turn out to be fun and you'll be making more lists.

This pays a lovely dividend, too. Once we switch perspectives we become more aware of what's good and right and true. We appreciate the people in our lives more. When that happens, especially when we tell them so, they relax and appreciate us back.

Before long we take a fresh look at our world–and it's good

Before long we realize our "turkey" has a beauty we had shut our hearts to.

Sooner or later we come to understand that for awhile, we got stuck on this individual's minuses instead of pluses.

How do I know this works? More than once, I've seen how it works. Why not try it yourself? Betcha you'll like it!

Meanwhile, let's keep in mind that God creates individuals, not carbon copies

So why do we keep laying our expectations on each other?

Each of us is a mix. I've learned over the years that what I judge to be missing in a person often turns out to be a strength, a quality God can–and does–use in ways I never ever envisioned.

(This turns out to be true for each of us, even ourselves.)

Encouragement for your journey

If you're like me, you find it easier to work on a better outlook when you find the same or similar truths in the Bible. Let me share some reassurance from God's Book.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

(Jesus said) "I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him , he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

P.S.

One more thing comes to mind. Years ago someone's turn of phrase caught my attention and stayed in my mind. I've found it to be true in every relationship, in every part of life. One thing never changes:

"What you look for is what you will find."

(I guess this means I need to take my own advice and that long-ago "turkey" in the hair salon probably was an otherwise-nice woman who just needed to talk … )

Here's to looking for the good in people and in our lives,

Lenore

Tame the “turkeys” in your life

August 16, 2021
More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips–and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know."

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave–for pay–about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you?

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears–and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent.

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too.

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come. –2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13 NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new.

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives.

Learning and growing never stop–and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore

Who or what makes us who we are?

March 10, 2021
Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.

We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.

Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."

"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!

"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.

"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.

What about social media?

Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people–and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.

Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.

What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?

Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.

Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.

Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.

Even if another one "drives you crazy."

What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual.

As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.

Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

Drawing strength whenever we need it

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are–and who you are:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 NIV

Program your mind for your life now

Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.

Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.

Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

How parents influence their children–for life

July 8, 2020
"What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.

But there's more to this truth:

Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event.

Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.

Working with a saint

Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman.

In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.

No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong."

Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup.

After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare.

Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed–again–to mend my evil ways.

The great day arrives

We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed–and they hadn't called with an excuse.

To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment.

I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

Breakthrough!

It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two.

I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.

I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

Could my natural approach to life–which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness–be in its own way a strength?

Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. –Romans 15:7 NIV

Consider it one small step for peace with others–and with ourselves.

God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.

In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. … Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. … And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14 NIV

Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths–and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.

Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose.

Still learning,

Lenore

Discover your pluses

May 28, 2020
Do you ever feel as if people hardly notice what you do? Or say?

We all have days–or down times–now and then. That's when we remind ourselves what we know is true. God created us

Have you ever noticed how each link in a chain needs the others or else it can extend no farther than its own length?

It's an imperfect comparison, but God links us to the people around us, too. In ways we may never know, He uses us in the lives of others to carry out His purposes.

We have no need to understand how for that to be true.

All we need to do is trust and pray, then leave the specifics to Him.

Looking at one "chain" through the wide-angle lens of time

In 1824 an ordinary man, Edward Kimball, felt "someone" should start a Sunday school class for boys in a poor neighborhood of Boston.

No one else seemed interested, so even though he didn't view himself as qualified, Kimball took on the task. At first he felt clumsy in his teaching of the Bible, but young men started coming.

An 18-year old shoe clerk attended and came to faith in Jesus Christ as Savior. His name was Dwight L. Moody.

Not long after, D. L. Moody moved to Chicago and established a successful shoe business. Later, he started a Sunday school class, as well. Over time, weekly attendance grew to 1500.

Even though Moody was poorly educated, he felt called to preach the Gospel. Before long, wherever Moody went, huge crowds turned out to hear him.

When Moody spoke in Great Britain, one who came was a pastor: F. B. Meyer.

Meyer went home a changed man, with a new view of the Christian faith. He altered his preaching style and soon Meyer, too, began to draw crowds.

Eventually Meyer came to the U. S. to preach and one who heard him was another preacher: J. Wilbur Chapman.

Chapman decided to become an evangelist and went from city to city. His audiences grew and soon he needed an assistant.

The young helper Chapman hired was a baseball player, Billy Sunday.

After awhile, Billy Sunday became an evangelist, too, and preached in the South. He held prayer meetings and people came. In 1894 he held a prayer meeting in North Carolina.

One who attended his North Carolina prayer meetings and came to faith was Mordecai Ham. He resolved somehow he would reach people for Jesus. Ham, too, began preaching the Gospel throughout the rural areas of North Carolina.

In 1934 a 16-year old farm boy with nothing to do came to one of Ham's revival meetings.

That young man's name? Billy Graham.

We live our todays, but God sees time from the beginning to the end

God used each of these "ordinary" men to impact countless lives. For eternity.

They were links in His chain, even though they had no idea that was true.

He uses us, too, although we may not see how. You and I may think what we do for the Lord is small and insignificant. But there's no telling what GOD will do with our humble efforts.

So if today you're dragging and feel you have nothing to offer, no place, no purpose, take heart.

If you believe in Jesus as your Savior you can know for sure, that God IS using you.

Right now.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. –Ephesians 2:8-10 NIV

Read that last sentence again and let it sink in to your heart and your mind.

". . . prepared in advance for us to do."

All we need to do is live our lives, free of anxiety about figuring out what we should be doing for Him. God's got it all covered, so be at peace.

Growing, too,

Lenore

Feeling insignificant? Not true! We’re all links in God’s chain

October 10, 2018
Nancy Reagan died recently at age 94 and for a brief moment, the media world celebrated the enduring love between a long-married couple.

I never considered myself a fan, particularly. But it always touched my heart that those two seemed genuinely in love–and let it show.

When she died I expected the usual recitations of her life as First Lady of both the U. S. and the state of California.

That's why the comments of celebrities and media people blew me away. It seemed every reporter and commentator praised Nancy Reagan, the wife.

How often do they honor any woman, dead or alive, simply because she was her husband's wife and did everything she could to help him?

It was almost Biblical. Remember Genesis 2:18?

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. (ESV)

By all accounts, Nancy was a helper "fit" for Ronald Reagan

Clearly, they were the light of each other's life. It showed every time they gazed at each other with "that look"–which was most of the time.

Once "that look" was ridiculed–and so was she.

Obviously, neither of them cared. They simply went on holding hands and smiling.

I'm old enough to remember when the press and Hollywood stars maligned Nancy Reagan for that look. Feminists called her a total blank because she defined her identity as "Ronnie's wife."

Many faulted her for not being a better role-model for young women. Some even called her a disgrace to women everywhere.

Those who thought more deeply said, "Feminism is all about women having choices, isn't it? Well, Nancy Reagan made her own choices and lived by them. What's to criticize?"

After she died, only praise

Morning TV shows, Internet news items and newspapers all over the USA reported on their lifelong love affair. They spoke of Nancy Reagan, the wife, who loved her husband and honored him all the days of her life.

Even after her "Ronnie" no longer wrote her frequent love notes or spoke his adoration because Alzheimer's stole the memories they once shared.

Even after he died in 2004 and moved on.

Several who spoke recalled her saying she never stopped missing him. Never stopped wanting to tell him something she'd just read–and then she would remember he wasn't there.

Family members and other speakers noted that now these two are together again–in Heaven.

Because Nancy Reagan was the widow of a President, her memorial service was telecast

She planned every detail of that service, which honored the love between this couple. What's more, it witnessed to the beauty and strength of believing in God.

Several sections of the Bible were read, including 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

At first it seemed surprising that Proverbs 31:10-31 was read, but no. That day it seemed to me that Nancy Reagan, like so many of us wives, wanted the world to know this is how she tried to live:

An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life. . . .

Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her . . .

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

–Proverbs 31:10-12; 28;30 (ESV)

Because of who she was, Nancy Reagan's memorial drew a huge audience

Televised clips were used on newscasts, here and abroad. Articles were written in publications around the world.

It was plain to see that many reporters, as well as the rich and the famous who attended, were moved by the service. Who knows how many watchers gained some new views on marriage and on faith?

To me, that memorial service was Nancy Reagan's most lasting legacy.

You may have been a fan or thought her a fool. Either way, I think we can all agree she made the most of her last moment of fame. That day countless people heard the Truth of Jesus and glimpsed the beauty in the love that builds a lasting marriage

And that's quite a lot for one lifetime.

Lovingly,

Lenore

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