Category: Regret

  • Blog. Woman. Thoughtful 2. 3.24If you're a second-guesser like me, you wonder why we keep replaying what we should have said or done. 

    I got new insight the day I once again recited my failures–real and imagined–to my friend "Connie."

    She interrupted me with, "Cut that out already!"

    Then Connie smiled and told me how she stopped second-guessing herself. "Russ and I have three kids and we've moved around a lot. Early days I wasted too much time fretting about all the ways I coulda/shoulda/woulda been a better person.  

    "If I bawled out my tale of woe to Russ, hoping for sympathy, he would hug me and say, 'Aww, just let it go, Hon. It's no big deal.' Most of the time he was right.  

    "Still, I couldn't stop myself. Then another friend shared how she managed to stop dredging up times she wondered if she had said or done the wrong thing.   

    "She said talking to herself helped. Every morning she spoke Philippians 4:6-7 aloud and asked God to help her live out those verses. Whenever old regrets taunted her, she deliberately turned her thoughts back to those verses. Little by little she gave up blaming herself for being like every other human being who ever lived: Imperfect."  

    Finding help

    Later I read those Bible verses more slowly and let them play in my mind–and heart. It sounds too simple, but I felt more at peace after that. Here's Philippians 4:6-7 from the NIV:   

    Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    Even now, the hardest of all for me is to leave my burden with God, so this verse speaks to me too:

    Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.     Psalm 55:22  NIV

    Forget overnight transformation 

    By now I've relearned this lesson often and my perspective on life has changed. I spend way less time on useless replays. If I do start second-guessing myself, I turn to Philippians 4:6-7 to recover my calm and peace.  

    These same verses from The Message paraphrase broaden our understanding of what the Apostle Paul meant:

    Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

    Be patient with yourself 

    I long to tell you I am perfectly calm, day after day, but not yet. Still, I have changed.

    Any time I catch myself replaying what is behind me I turn it over to my loving Father and say something like, "Sorry, I blew it again. Lord, help me leave the past in the past. Let me be done with all this angst."

    Whenever the nagging thoughts resurface, I repeat the Philippians verses already mentioned and of course, Philippians 4:8:

    Finally, brothers (and sisters,) whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.    ESV

    Think on these things

    Whatever else is happening–or not happening–in our lives, we can only find the good if we look for it and fix our thoughts on Jesus instead of ourselves. 

    The bottom line, of course, remains the same. When we trust in Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we are forgiven for all our failures, all our sins. Period. 

    That's why we can trust promises like Romans 8:28:

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good.

    Anytime we catch ourselves worn out from running on our mental  hamster wheel of regret, it's time to call a halt. For most of us, our failures in living are more likely an annoyance than a crisis. In other words, they are not worth all the drama.

    Loving the adventure of life,  

    Lenore

    Simplify Your Life: Be Done with Old Failures

  • "Loose lips sink ships!"

    That's a slogan from World War II, when our Government wanted everyone on the "Home Front" to stop "loose talk," that is, inadvertently revealing some sort of military info they had picked up from a conversation or a letter sent home from the War.

    Blog. Two women. cafe. 7.15The phrase hangs around because it so aptly describes how the thoughtless words of one person can "sink" what's important to another.

    As when we're with a good friend and mindlessly blurt out something like, “Well, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but …."                

    Such tasty little tidbits may taste sweet. For a moment or two.

    Then our stomach drops as we realize we passed on something we had no right to share. Perhaps it's something another person trusted us with, trusted us enough to feel sure we would keep it to ourselves. 

    Disillusionment

    We thought we were better than that! We thought we had personal integrity!

    Now it hits us. We can't unsay the words we weren't supposed to share. The person we said it to cannot unremember it. And who knows where it goes from here?    

    Sometimes we try to rebuild our own sense of who we are by telling ourselves, "Well, at least I'm not a gossip!" 

    Or are we?

    I’ve learned gossip usually starts with one of these phrases:

    • “Now, don’t tell anybody, but . . . 
    • “This is not for publication, but . . . 
    • “I don’t know if this is true, but . . . 

    Any time we start a sentence with one of those phrases a big red flag should start waving in our minds. A clue that signals we are wandering into dangerous territory.  

    Even when we're "only listening," we have a responsibility to interrupt whatever words the other person wants to pass on.  

    After all, gossip is like the tango: It takes two. 

    Nothing has changed since Solomon warned against it centuries ago:  

    Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.  –Proverbs 26:20  NIV

    A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man [woman] keeps a secret.  –Proverbs 11:13  NIV

    And don't we all want to be known as trust-worthy?

    Shut off the flow

    By now you've figured out that I must have firsthand experience in all this–and I plead guilty.

    It shocked me because never before had I used the word "gossip" about myself. Now I had to face the fact I, too, could be labeled a gossip–and I deserved that I.D.

    Right then I didn't like myself very much and I truly wanted to change, so I turned to the Bible. I found Psalm 141:3, which hit home: 

    Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!  ESV

    This became my prayer. For a long time after, any time I was to be with friends I asked God beforehand to guide my words and to make me worthy if anyone chose to open up about their lives.  

    Thoughtless words matter, too 

    Words matter because words can cut deep.  

    I remember the time "Laurie," a good friend much younger than I, confided why she harbored some hurt feelings about a mutual friend. It seemed to me she went on and on about it.

    So I, the self-appointed all-knowing one, replied, “Laurie, you just need a thicker skin. You need to learn not to be so sensitive. Besides, you’re probably making too much of it.” 

    A few minutes later I walked away congratulating myself for my wise advice.

    Every friend of Laurie had heard her declare she was "too sensitive," so at the time I thought I just reminded her of that. Besides, she nodded her head and said, "You're right."

    The rest of the story 

    Months later Laurie friend told me how those words stung. “I knew you loved me, so I let it pass. All my life people have been telling me not to be so sensitive and my mom always said I was 'tenderhearted.'

    "It took me years to work it through that God made me who I am. Eventually I came to understand that’s not a bad thing. In fact, hurting people often tell me it helped them than I'm a good listener and I really care. 

    “Good or bad, yes, I am ‘sensitive’—and finally, finally, I know that’s okay.” 

    Yes, I knew Laurie has a gentle spirit, but I hadn't stopped to think my glib words could sound uncaring to her. 

    That's when I understood how deeply I had wounded this person I loved. 

    It reminded me of another truth. Any of us may complain about our own weaknesses, or even poke fun of them. But when another person repeats our same words back to us it can feel like an arrow to the heart. I don't like it and I'm guessing you don't, either. 

    It's another reminder of Luke 6:31:

    Do to others as you would like them to do to you.  LNT

    Watching our words 

    Forget all the “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” stuff.

    Not true. Words can inflict wounds that never heal. 

    Friendships die. Marriages fall apart. Parents and children become alienated from each other, all because one or the other vents their feelings in a moment of heat.  

    Blaise Pascal sums it up perfectly and points us to the better way: 

    Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. Kind words also produce their image on [people’s] souls; and a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, and comfort the hearer.

    Doesn't that paint a lovely picture of how we're meant to relate to each other?

    Pascal's words simply echo what we know by faith

    Throughout the Bible we pick up the same thread, like this, from the Apostle Paul.

    Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is good for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29  NIV

    Can you imagine the ripple effects if we took Paul's words to heart?

    It would transform our lives–and our relationships.

    Where do we start?

    For most of us, changing and growing is a gradual process. For Christians it's also a matter of praying, asking God to make us new and to show us how to live.   

    We resolve to think before we speak and to listen to our own words. We remember how often we fail at that so we ask God to help us. To indeed, set a guard over our mouth and to keep watch over our lips. 

    And always, we remember we are not on our own. Jesus is always with us and enabling us to carry out what he asks of us. Even zip up our loose lips.

    I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

    Trusting, too,

    Lenore

    What to do about loose lips