Category: Stronger marriage

  • Blog. Couple baking cookies. 10.23A lot of people believe the very idea of keeping love alive–and thriving–over the years is an impossible dream. Not true.

    From what I've observed over the years what's needed most is that each marriage partner does their best to keep their marriage Priority One.  

    How does that play out in practical terms? Something like this:

    1.   Check how you look at life 

    Because you two are building a life and a future together, think "we" instead of "me." 

    Abandon any "I need to do what's best for me" thinking. In marriage each one aims to put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own. (You're partners, united in building your life together.)  

    It's not an exact science, not something to keep track of. How it plays out from day to day will vary. 

    Is this uncomfortable at times? Yes. Does it communicate that you value the person you married? Yes. Does it reinforce your oneness? Yes.

    Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.   Ephesians 4:2   

    2.  Major in looking for strengths instead of weaknesses 

    It's always easier to pick out what's wrong in a person or a situation. Let that go and focus on what's good and right. Affirm those qualities with your honest praise.

    The receiver(s) will beam and grow stronger. So will your marriage–and your family.

    Promise each other to strike phrases like, "You never," and "You always" from your self-talk and conversations. (And especially from your arguments.)

    Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.   Ephesians 4:29   

    3.  Safeguard your trust in each other

    Being trust-worthy is a gift you give each other and build on by being honest with each other, time after time, always with love and kindness.   

    What if one of you says or does something hurtful? Forget pride. The one needs to apologize sincerely and the other needs to forgive. Then leave it behind.  

    Being able to trust the one you're married to glues you together, even during the worst of times and communicates to your children that they can trust their parents. 

    Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.      Ephesians 4:32

    4.  Give up the idea of 50-50

    Forget tracking who did more of what last time and the times before that. This kind of nitpicking kills love.

    Struggling to find the "right" percentages seldom pays off. In the strongest marriages, sometimes one gives more and sometimes the other gives more, according to what's needed at the time.

    Happy couples know the life they're building together counts more than who "wins."  

    [Jesus said] "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them."  Luke 6:31 

    5.  Abandon expectations of how it should be

    This sets you up to be disappointed whenever your spouse or your life doesn't meet some idea of "perfect" you heard about or read about.  

    Harping on little annoyances slowly erodes a marriage relationship. Choose instead to be glad for what is. Talk about that, build on it–and get more of it. 

    Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.              1 John 3:18

    6.  Accept that your marriage partner has human frailties, just as you do

    For all of us, it's easier to forgive ourselves for our own weaknesses and slip-ups than to forgive our spouse for theirs.

    Aim to be at least as objective and charitable toward the one you married as you are with your friends.

    Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers over a multitude of sins.   1 Peter 4:8  

    7.  Recognize the power of words  

    Not everything is worth saying.

    Hurtful words live on in memory long after bad moods and angry outbursts have passed. So do words of thoughtful praise and love.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.    1 Corinthians 13:4-5

    8.  Appreciate the day you're living now 

    Instead of thinking "someday" will be better, work on making this day better. A lifetime consists of days, lived out one at a time.

    One day at a time you can get through rough spots and scary times together.

    Mindset matters. So does what you say about your relationship, whether to each other or to friends or co-workers because this also impacts how you view your marriage and your life.  

    Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.   Ephesians 4:29  (New Living Translation) 

    9.  Love is not just an emotion

    Real, lasting love is so much more. Every day one decides to keep on loving. That makes love an action word.

    We can decide to act in loving ways even when our emotions are lukewarm. Almost always the feeling of love will return soon.  

    Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.   Ephesians 4:32 

    10. Pray 

    Prayer is simply talking to our loving Father from the heart–and knowing He hears us.  

    My husband and I prayed individually and attended worship services together from the start. We did our best to follow Bible teachings in how we lived and parented our children. 

    Yet somehow we didn't begin praying aloud together for years. Only then did we realize we had cheated ourselves out of so much because this real, honest sharing helped us understand each other better. It deepened our individual faith as well. 

    The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.        Psalm 145:18

    Building a strong marriage doesn't happen in a week or two

    Even for two people who start out full of love and joy, growing a marriage is the work of a lifetime–and it's worth it! 

    Take the long view. Some days and some stretches of time will be better than others. That's life. For everyone.

    Don't get fixated on what may in reality be little more than a blip in the story of your life together. Stay focused on what matters most. 

    With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.    Ephesians 4:23

    Believe in your marriage

    Can love last? Absolutely! Ignore those who deny or ridicule that truth.

    Make it your mutual, unshakable resolve to stay worthy of each other's love and to nurture your relationship. Your joy in each other will warm your hearts.

    For countless couples, including my husband and me, our shared faith in Jesus made all the difference. (Now you know why I included so many Bible verses.)

    So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.      1 Corinthians 13:13

    Blessings, always,

    Lenore

    Yes, You Can Have a Marriage That Lasts

  • "And they lived happily ever after…"

    That's what everyone is looking for, isn't it?

    Blog. Couple talking. 6.23Somehow the sound of that phrase causes us to think there's a kind of magic that settles like morning dew upon the woman and man who fall in love and promise to love each other for life. Surely this means life will be bliss, day after day.

    Doesn't it?   

    Well, not quite. Not for two human beings, imperfect as we all are. Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

    What is true is that like every other living thing, even the best marriage takes T.L.C. Regularly. That is, both marriage partners nurture and look out for each other.

    For life.

    "Love," by itself, is not enough

    I'm not a professional, but a lot of Christian counselors tell us there is a secret to growing a strong marriage and it's pretty clear-cut. Here's the formula:

    We before You

    You before Me.

    We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires. 

    You: Each of us places the other's needs and wants ahead of having it our way. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

    Me:  What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be ranks last. 

    The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds yelling, "I want it my way!" 

    Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

    Once you have clear answers to those questions, you know how to weigh your choices. 

    Don't be threatened when one or the other's expectations seem to change a bit here and there over time. It's not just young children who have "stages".

    What matters is that your sense of oneness stays alive–and grows stronger. 

    Keep first things first

    When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage comes first with me." 

    All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

    Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

    Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other. 

    That's life. For everyone.  

    Add in new joys and challenges

    Children bring blessings with them, but they interrupt time together for Mom and Dad. This calls for ingenuity to make sure you stay connected as a couple.

    Why bother? Because the two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

    Whether you realize it or not, your darlings are watching how you interact with each other. They smile and feel all warm inside when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile." 

    Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They feel reassured they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.    

    As you two give each other the gift of love you also give your children the gift of inner stability.

    How can a couple keep love alive?

    Make it a habit to find your own way to snatch some time for the two of you every day, like after work. Be prepared, perhaps by keeping a special snack drawer and healthy veggies in the fridge. Hungry youngsters well may consider this time a treat if you allow them to watch special programs or the like. 

    This frees up a bit of time when Mom and Dad adjourn to a quiet corner–even in the same room–where you can reconnect and talk with fewer interruptions. 

    Be creative. It's all about finding what works for you.

    First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

    Speak words of love, too

    Just hearing the words sincerely spoken helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building strength into the marriage. When one or the other has had "one of those days," it will lift both your spirits as you gently mention qualities you see in them and truly admire.  

    Many counselors advise couples to hold hands, which means facing each other eye-to-eye–even when you are not in the mood. Even if it feels forced, just this skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

    Day after day, each one's words matter and have a lasting effect on both.

    Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

    To keep your marriage brimming
    With love in the loving cup,
    Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    Whenever you're right, shut up.

    Again and again we will fail

    But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other–and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter. 

    It is achingly lonely to be stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.  

    Could it ever be too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.  

    Even if only one partner changes–and perseveres–the effect can be positive. Healing can begin, something to build on.

    A husband and wife who seek to live out these principles develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows and becomes a firm foundation. Love grows and blooms. 

    This translates into a marriage that lasts.

    Enduring wisdom to live by

    The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians and it also describes how to keep a marriage strong. Here is Philippians 2:2-5, as it reads in the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase: 

    Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

    Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

    None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

    Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

    Whether married or single, here's to living strong in Jesus! 

    May your heart be filled with His love and peace and joy,

    Lenore

    Proven Pointers for Strengthening Your Marriage

  • Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

    Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?   Blog. Husband massaging wifes shoulders. 11.13  

    When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

    Then came babies. 

    And bills.

    And life.

    It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

    Yet, somehow they did.     

    Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

    We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ….

    Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

    • "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
    • "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
    • "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

    Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

    My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

    Then we would settle back into our old routine.

    A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

    Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

    To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

    Finding out it's not about me

    I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

    One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

    Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

    By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

    "I always knew God could make our marriage better–if He chose–so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

    "One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

    "All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

    "I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

    "Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

    "This became my daily prayer."

    Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

     "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

    "It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage–and in me. 

    "Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

    Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them–and their marriages. 

    By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

    The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

    (Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

    I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

    That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

    I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

    That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

    It's all about loving your neighbor

    Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

    "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength … The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

    Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

    Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

    "Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

    That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

    How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

    Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself–or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

    Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

    Let's do it, friends! 

    Lenore

    How to put more joy in your marriage

  • "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" is the title of a 1970 Stevie Wonder hit song. 

    Sounds like a quickie description of most romantic novels and movies, doesn't it? After endless challenges the two in love finally make it to THE wedding.

    image from awomansview.typepad.comThe chase is over, the vows are spoken and love and bliss without end. No more effort required. Guaranteed.

    File this under "Fairy Tales."

    You and I and every other human being star in our own reality show called "Life."

    Before long every real life couple comes to understand their wedding ceremony began a life of discovery, even when they thought they knew everything about each other beforehand.

    Surprises are as inevitable as mosquitos on a summer night

    Since each one keeps changing and growing for life, how could it be otherwise?  

    Think about typical life situations:

    Changes in financial situation, for whatever reason.  

    Switching jobs. Moving, perhaps because one spouse receives a great job offer.

    Health conditions, whether physical, mental or emotional. 

    Starting a family–or choosing not to.  

    Add in whatever issues may exist or arise within each one's extended family. 

    The love you started with is tested. Tried. Proven true and strong, whatever comes. Call it love in action, love with a purpose. 

    Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.   1 John 3:18

    A marriage is like an ocean liner

    The port side of a cruise ship cannot decide to head north while the starboard side chooses to head south. 

    Even in good strong marriages sometimes one spouse feels pulled toward a direction that leads the other to think, No way!  

    Any change of direction means unsettledness. My husband and I lived that a time or two.  

    We learned the value of simply talking to each other and also spending more time reading the Bible. Prayer–talking to God and honestly sharing our emotions helped keep us calm and at peace.  

    Sounds too simple, I know, but this reminded us that He knows the way ahead–and He promises never to leave us on our own.

    One particular time we contemplated a big change–and then lived it. We planned as carefully as we could. Then came a period of delays and disappointments. I hung on tight to Bible verses like Psalm 139:9-10, David's beautiful expression of trust in the faithful God he loved and worshiped:  

    If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.   

    Life can feel overwhelming at times 

    Times of unsettledness make us vulnerable to reciting various "what ifs, either to ourselves or to others." Steer clear of the "if-then" trap, too, even in self-talk.

    Often our only choice is how we will respond. One rule-of-thumb is start with refocus and trust, adjust to the present reality and grow some more. 

    Shore each other up with frequent gentle reminders that your love remains strong and stable. 

    Thread faith through every day. Turn your mind to promises that God is faithful and kind.

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.    Romans 8:28 

    Predictable causes of disharmony 

    One frequent issue, especially today, stems from one or the other spouse feeling they give more than the other. This quickly morphs into a joyless practice of checking off boxes and keeping score. 

    The idea that "we're in this together" flies out the window.

    This runs counter-intuitive to popular thinking, but the better choice is to choose the way of love.   

    Marriage was never intended to be a 50-50 arrangement, but rather 100-100. The attitude is that wife and husband each decide to give of themselves completely.

    Be flexible, each one ready to give and take as needs and situations change. This quiets the "You always" and "You never" arguments. Home becomes more the peaceful, loving place both yearn for it to be.  

    Easy? Never, but the Apostle Paul tells us how to love this way:

    With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.   Ephesians 4:2-3

    Every marriage unites two unique individuals 

    What works for you may not work for your best friends–and vice versa. That's okay. If your marriage and family are built on love, faith and mutual respect, be glad and thank God for His blessing.  

    Marriage teaches us a lot about ourselves and widens our understanding. It's good to keep talking, even when you don't want to. Otherwise the distance between you widens. 

    Strive always to look through each other's eyes rather than just your own.

    And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.   Colossians 3:14

    Every day counts

    Later in our marriage my husband and I understood that even our hard times were seasons of growing, individually and together. Growing stronger as a married couple. Finding peace within our relationship and our life. 

    Did it come naturally to us? No, but few worthwhile goals are easy.

    We came to see the deep wisdom and value of Jesus' words in Luke 6:31 as a prescription for every day:  

    "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

    This day-by-day effort brings rewards beyond the obvious

    Were we perfect? Never. Did we ever hit rough spots? Of course. All couples do. But we were in it for life, so that meant always trying to pull together and keep on loving.  

    Somehow we only partially understood that our children were watching us and listening to us–particularly when we weren't talking to them.  As adults they admitted this went on all through the years they were growing up. 

    Still, we did something right. At different times each one–now married themselves–told us that our marriage provided them the role model by which they related in their marriages.   

    Were we surprised? Oh, yes, and humbly thankful.  

    Humble? Yes

    We two ordinary people met and fell in love while we were still in high school and married a couple of years later.  

    What we had going for us was that we loved each other totally and each of us trusted Jesus as our Savior. We aimed to live out the faith we shared–and we had teachable hearts  

    Always, we prayed for guidance and our loving Lord never left us to struggle on our own. 

    He will do the same for any believer who asks.  

    Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.   James 1:17

    May you know His joy in your life, my friend,

    Lenore

    You can build inner strength within your marriage and family

  • Blog. Bride. groom. 5.15Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

    "I just want to make him–or her–happy."

    On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

    You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

    That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds. 

    After every wedding comes a marriage

    Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

    • The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.
    • No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions. 
    • Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

    Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish. 

    We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect. 

    As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

    And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

    I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.  

    After a long day, we're too exhausted to think–or care–about the needs of our husband or wife. 

    Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

    Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

    For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

    Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

    Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time–or energy–for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.   

    No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

    If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

    This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak–kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

    Easy to do? Never.

    Is it worth it? Always.

    Old wisdom that's still true

    On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice: 

    "Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

    If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

    So do most wives. 

    (Can I hear an Amen?)

    Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

    Three simple principles

    The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

    • God before we 
    • We before you
    • You before me

    Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

    "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

    Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8  ESV

    This much I know for sure 

    In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

    Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

    Learning, always, 

    Lenore

    Build a lasting marriage on “we” instead of “me”

  • We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.  

    Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to. Blog. Dad. Family. 6.18
    Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.

    If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.

    Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you. 

    The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.

    Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up 

    • "You make me sick!"  
    • "Can't you ever do anything right?" 
    • "You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it." 

    Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible. 

    Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.

    In some families–or marriages–hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even–or perhaps more so–if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.

    (And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?) 

    You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:

    Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.    –Ephesians 4:29  (NIV)

    The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead

    It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!

    You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.

    So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.

    (If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)

    After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.

    Then believe it!

    What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?

    No parent–or spouse–is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.  

    Life-giving words can change lives.

    Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.

    What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")

    The great thing–and a hard thing–is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart." 

    This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top. 

    Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too. 

    It's not only children who crave words that give life

    Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.

    But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."

    Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony–and it is. Steady and sincere love–in word and actions–is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.

    What kind of words?

    • "I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."
    • "Thanks. I appreciate you."
    • "It means so much to know I can always count on you."
    • "I love you."

    Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home–or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?

    (Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)

    Again, Paul lays out our motivation. 

    Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 3:12,17  (NIV) 

    There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.

    They're the gift that truly does keep giving–for life.

    Still growing, too, 

    Lenore

     

    Who told you who you are–and do you still believe it?

  • As I waited in the long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the interchange between a thirty-something couple just ahead.

    The petite wife sobbed as she pushed back an errant strand of her long dark hair. Then she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and said, "I just don't want to Blog. Couple airport. 6..13 leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends." 

    "I know, I know," her husband said gently, then wrapped his burly arms around her and pulled her close.

    He stared off in the distance, then said, "Sweetheart, we've talked this over so many times and we agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. This will give us a so much brighter future. Remember?"

    She nodded, tears still streaking her cheeks.

    "It'll be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

    At that moment the airline clerk beckoned them forward.

    Meeting up again

    When we got to our gate, there they were. Their conversation was sparse, mostly the husband methodically pointing out why their upcoming move would be good. She bit her quivering lip and nodded her head. 

    I could have written the script for their exchanges, since my husband and I have lived it a time or two. 

    Soon the wife headed toward the restroom.

    That's when I glimpsed the young husband's heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working, and he wiped his eyes a time or two.

    As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a big smile and sat up straighter.

    Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man who put opportunity first. Maybe she thought him filled with confidence. She might even have supposed he didn't much care about what mattered to her.

    This couple kept me thinking all the way to my destination 

    I couldn't escape the sense they communicated a lot about love and marriage.

    We females more often wear our feelings openly. When our husbands don't respond with equal emotion we may think them cold, uncaring, even selfish. All the while they may be holding back their own emotions.

    Could that be because we say we want them to be strong? Disciplined? Responsible? 

    The young husband's dejected look and stance the minute his wife walked away telegraphed his personal struggle. But he never let his wife see that. She needed to believe that he believed their plan was wise and good–and swallow any reservations of his own. 

    How often hasn't my husband done that for me?

    I suspect the answer would be more often than I ever guessed.

    Bringing their story home   

    I don't know what happened to those two, but I'm grateful I was able to peek inside their life for those few minutes.

    They caused me to look within. I confess I didn't much like what I saw.

    How often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

    God gave me a gift that day, another personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's making the world all about ME.

    Jesus spoke of another kind of love

     “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

    Not one of us can live up to that standard, but we can be careful to value the opinions and emotions of our husband–or wife–and other family members as much as our own.

    That love and respect is like soothing oil on an aching wound, especially in situations when we can't quite get on the same page.  

    Isn't it a wonder how again and again God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways . . . if we open the eyes of our hearts.

    Still learning, 

    Lenore

     

    Learning about love from strangers in an airport

  • February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

    Blog. Couple at Beach. 2.17Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

    It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

    All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

    It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic–isn't that part of being female?–so I fantasize.  

    Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

    I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up. 

    Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

    Years of living together taught me a greater truth

    My perspective changed. Now I know:

    Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

    What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

    • Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."
    • Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."
    • Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."
    • Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."
    • Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning. 
    • Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.
    • Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.
    • Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.
    • Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.
    • And vice versa.

    I've learned–sometimes the hard way–that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.  

    Let's rejoice in what is

    Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

    When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

    You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love–and ourselves.

    Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

    So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties! 

    An anytime checklist

    Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.                                                (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

    Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

    But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

    Still learning, too, 

    Lenore

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