Category: Words

Never think "Nobody listens to me!"

That's not true. Even if you live alone, you listen to your words. Think of the constant stream of words in your mind. That sound track plays constantly in the background.

It's as if we have an inner critic–or an inner cheerleader–that never takes a break.

Most of us have no notion when that voice took up residence.

Some trace it back to one or more individuals along the way, probably someone we wanted desperately to please.

A parent. A teacher or boss. A friend, or so we thought until …

Once we identify even just the beginning of that process it can help us understand ourselves–and others.

The lifelong influence of parents

A good friend grew up in poverty, but he went on to success in every area of his life. When asked how he managed that, "Jim" had a stock answer. "My mother always told me she knew I would do something great with my life.

"I didn't really believe her, but I figured she must know something about me that I didn't. So whenever a challenge cropped up I did the best I knew how to do and God blessed my hard work."

His mom's words–and her confidence–echoed in his mind all his days.

Because of her example he frequently spoke love and confidence to his wife and children. In the workplace Jim became known as "the spark plug" because he buoyed up those around him.

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV

What about us?

Our words are power-packed, too. Do you doubt that? Just think back to the last time someone's thoughtless remark cut deep and you still can't forget it.

We've all done it, haven't we? Often we spew out our frustrations on whomever is handy. Our husband or our wife–or our children. Right away we wish we could take back our words, well aware that's not the way to nurture a relationship. Or a friendship.

Then there's gossip and "sharing" without the other person's permission. Loose lips have sunk many a relationship.

Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. Psalm 141:3 NIV

Make it a habit to be a people-booster

Call to mind the last time you expressed your confidence in someone. They may have said, "Yeah, sure," and turned away. Later on you noticed they stood just a bit taller and looked quietly pleased.

Why? Just ask yourself whether you'd prefer a pat on the back or a kick in the pants.

Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:2 ESV

How do we want to be thought of?

You and I affect the present–and the future–of people we love because they care what we think.

Think how often you hear an adult–even an older adult–remark, "My mother–or my dad–always said …"

Our children care, too, even when they seem not to. Even after they're grown and well into living their own lives.

It's the same in a marriage. We either build each other up or tear each other down. The choice is always before us.

Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 LNT

We affect ourselves, too

It's not complicated. Start with the certainty that no one talks to you more than you do–every moment of every day. (Yes, this goes on even when we're not aware of it.)

If I fill my mind with what's wrong or what's missing in my life, I'm on my way to a lousy day.

If I get stuck on what I wish were there in the people in my life, I find all kinds of new "evidence" to prove my point.

On the other hand, if I set out to identify what's right and good and true in life or in people, that comes through, too.

So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding. Romans 14:19 ESV

We find what we look for

Have you ever wondered how professional photographers always manage to shoot scenic shots of pure blue skies and puffy white clouds?

It's because they use camera filters and other enhancements that enable them to screen out the smog and smoke and haze the rest of us see.

Similarly, our words and our thoughts become our "filters" and affect the way we–or others–view life.

That may sound overly simplistic, but it's a basic truth.

Similarly, all through our lives people we love and admire become "filters" which we factor in to our view of ourselves, either positively or negatively.

It's always our choice, whether our words will be kind and warm someone's heart and lift their spirits.

As usual, the Apostle Paul summed it up well:

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing . . . Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:11; 16-18 ESV

Yes, yes, I know. None of us can live up to this standard, but wouldn't it make life better for ourselves and for those around us if we perhaps tackled one phrase of Paul's words at a time?

Wouldn't our words more likely bring smiles and encouragement as they live on in the memories of people we love?

And isn't that what we all want?

Still learning, too,

Lenore

Know the Lasting Power of Your Words

July 31, 2024
Most of us know the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

When I first read those words on a gift shop plaque I didn't have to ask myself whether the saying was true.

All I had to do was remember. With regret.

As a young mom, some days I got up in a bad mood–and spread it around. On those mornings, Mama, the Martyr, would prepare a healthy breakfast for her family–and serve it without a word.

Mama didn't smile, so neither did anyone else.

Our otherwise bouncing, laughing young daughters would eat silently, then escape ASAP, whether to another room or to wait for the school bus. My sweet husband would gulp down his breakfast, then head for the door with a wave instead of grabbing me for a kiss as he usually did.

And I understood why.

Who could blame them?

Their moods affected me, too, of course. As in every family, our four kids sometimes couldn't stand each other, resulting in a tiresome refrain of, "Mommy, make her leave me alone!"

Do you think their whining lifted my spirits and made me a happy mama? Nope.

Over time I figured out some major truths:

Whatever the cause of my bad mood I didn't have the right to take it out on my husband and kids. Besides, that never changed anything for the better.

In any and every situation, our mindset determines how we feel–and how we act.

As Abraham Lincoln, the world-famous mental health professional, put it: "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Always, our words can lift each other up or tear each other down

That's true in parenting. True in a marriage. It's true on the job.

If our kids struggle they don't need our analysis of what's wrong. They need our love and encouragement and quiet listening.

When they slip up it's okay to gently stick to our family standards, along with talking over the whys of why we have them. Then comes the next lesson as we hand out appropriate penalties.

Allowing our children some freedom to make choices–and also allowing them to live with the consequences of their choices–can be painful, but it grows maturity and confidence.

They grow stronger from within.

What about teenagers?

Teenagers are on their bumpy way to adulthood. Yes, they need truth and common sense about how to handle life, but it's equally important that they hear us speak our faith and confidence in them as individuals.

It's good to help them learn life skills by letting them cope. (They'll make mistakes.) They crave words like, "I know you can handle this challenge, because I know how strong and determined you are. I believe in you and so does God and we always, always love you, no matter what."

Sometimes teens seem so self-assured we think we as parents are irrelevant.

Not true! Every survey of teenagers says they want their parents' respect and value their parents' opinions more than any of their peers.

When we speak love we give them what they need most. If we doubt that's true, all we have to do is ask ourselves what we want and need.

Widen the circle

Let's not stop there. Our kind words can lift the hearts of people around us, too.

Picture the mom whose kids are acting up in the Food Court at your local mall, the one who looks frazzled and beat. What if you stopped and said to her, "You have a beautiful family. I can see in your eyes how much you love your children."

What about the co-worker who seems depressed? What better opportunity to point out some instances when they helped you or someone else? Small kindnesses can make a difference in someone's day.

Or suppose you were chairing a women's event at your church. Someone spills punch all over the serving table. You keep smiling as you mop up the mess. Imagine if one woman told you, "Good job! I watched you calmly deal with the crisis moment and you really have a way with people."

Wouldn't you treasure her words?

Kind words are as sweet as cool water to parched lips–and they cost us nothing

If we put on eyes to see and mentally walk in someone else's shoes we'll know what they need to hear.

The big surprise is that we get back what we give out. If by our words and actions we give out love and kindness, that's what we'll receive in return. It's never too late to begin, even if it feels forced at the beginning.

This is not new theory. Solomon and the Apostle Paul wrote:

Worry weighs us down; a cheerful word lifts us up . . . Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

  Proverbs 12:25 (The Message) and Ephesians 4:29 NIV

This is hardest to maintain within our marriages and families, because both are 24/7 and we have no place to hide.

When we blow it–and we will–we lay our failures at the cross of Jesus and begin again.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 ESV

How can we change from within? Where do we start?

And exactly how does that work? I know no better answer than this:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

When we trust in Jesus, we have a Helper who walks with us through every day and gives us strength to become the individuals who brighten the world we live in. Because our words lift up the people around us.

And isn't that who we want to be?

Blessings from one who learned to mind her mindset,

Lenore

You can change your world with your words

November 5, 2021
"Loose lips sink ships!"

That's a slogan from World War II, when our Government wanted everyone on the "Home Front" to stop "loose talk," that is, inadvertently revealing some sort of military info they had picked up from a conversation or a letter sent home from the War.

The phrase hangs around because it so aptly describes how the thoughtless words of one person can "sink" what's important to another.

As when we're with a good friend and mindlessly blurt out something like, “Well, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but …."

Such tasty little tidbits may taste sweet. For a moment or two.

Then our stomach drops as we realize we passed on something we had no right to share. Perhaps it's something another person trusted us with, trusted us enough to feel sure we would keep it to ourselves.

Disillusionment

We thought we were better than that! We thought we had personal integrity!

Now it hits us. We can't unsay the words we weren't supposed to share. The person we said it to cannot unremember it. And who knows where it goes from here?

Sometimes we try to rebuild our own sense of who we are by telling ourselves, "Well, at least I'm not a gossip!"

Or are we?

I’ve learned gossip usually starts with one of these phrases:

“Now, don’t tell anybody, but . . .

“This is not for publication, but . . .

“I don’t know if this is true, but . . .

Any time we start a sentence with one of those phrases a big red flag should start waving in our minds. A clue that signals we are wandering into dangerous territory.

Even when we're "only listening," we have a responsibility to interrupt whatever words the other person wants to pass on.

After all, gossip is like the tango: It takes two.

Nothing has changed since Solomon warned against it centuries ago:

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. –Proverbs 26:20 NIV

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man [woman] keeps a secret. –Proverbs 11:13 NIV

And don't we all want to be known as trust-worthy?

Shut off the flow

By now you've figured out that I must have firsthand experience in all this–and I plead guilty.

It shocked me because never before had I used the word "gossip" about myself. Now I had to face the fact I, too, could be labeled a gossip–and I deserved that I.D.

Right then I didn't like myself very much and I truly wanted to change, so I turned to the Bible. I found Psalm 141:3, which hit home:

Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!  ESV

This became my prayer. For a long time after, any time I was to be with friends I asked God beforehand to guide my words and to make me worthy if anyone chose to open up about their lives.

Thoughtless words matter, too

Words matter because words can cut deep.

I remember the time "Laurie," a good friend much younger than I, confided why she harbored some hurt feelings about a mutual friend. It seemed to me she went on and on about it.

So I, the self-appointed all-knowing one, replied, “Laurie, you just need a thicker skin. You need to learn not to be so sensitive. Besides, you’re probably making too much of it.”

A few minutes later I walked away congratulating myself for my wise advice.

Every friend of Laurie had heard her declare she was "too sensitive," so at the time I thought I just reminded her of that. Besides, she nodded her head and said, "You're right."

The rest of the story

Months later Laurie friend told me how those words stung. “I knew you loved me, so I let it pass. All my life people have been telling me not to be so sensitive and my mom always said I was 'tenderhearted.'

"It took me years to work it through that God made me who I am. Eventually I came to understand that’s not a bad thing. In fact, hurting people often tell me it helped them than I'm a good listener and I really care.

“Good or bad, yes, I am ‘sensitive’—and finally, finally, I know that’s okay.”

Yes, I knew Laurie has a gentle spirit, but I hadn't stopped to think my glib words could sound uncaring to her.

That's when I understood how deeply I had wounded this person I loved.

It reminded me of another truth. Any of us may complain about our own weaknesses, or even poke fun of them. But when another person repeats our same words back to us it can feel like an arrow to the heart. I don't like it and I'm guessing you don't, either.

It's another reminder of Luke 6:31:

Do to others as you would like them to do to you. LNT

Watching our words

Forget all the “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” stuff.

Not true. Words can inflict wounds that never heal.

Friendships die. Marriages fall apart. Parents and children become alienated from each other, all because one or the other vents their feelings in a moment of heat.

Blaise Pascal sums it up perfectly and points us to the better way:

Cold words freeze people, and hot words scorch them, and bitter words make them bitter, and wrathful words make them wrathful. Kind words also produce their image on [people’s] souls; and a beautiful image it is. They smooth, and quiet, and comfort the hearer.

Doesn't that paint a lovely picture of how we're meant to relate to each other?

Pascal's words simply echo what we know by faith

Throughout the Bible we pick up the same thread, like this, from the Apostle Paul.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is good for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29 NIV

Can you imagine the ripple effects if we took Paul's words to heart?

It would transform our lives–and our relationships.

Where do we start?

For most of us, changing and growing is a gradual process. For Christians it's also a matter of praying, asking God to make us new and to show us how to live.

We resolve to think before we speak and to listen to our own words. We remember how often we fail at that so we ask God to help us. To indeed, set a guard over our mouth and to keep watch over our lips.

And always, we remember we are not on our own. Jesus is always with us and enabling us to carry out what he asks of us. Even zip up our loose lips.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Trusting, too,

Lenore
What to do about loose lips

September 27, 2021
Why would I say that? Because somebody, somewhere is watching you and listening in. Always.

That thought brings us up short, doesn't it?

Yet it's true, especially if we're a parent or if we spend much time around children and/or teens.

Young people are looking for clues and for role models as they try to figure out who they are.

Adolescents and teens will deny that's true, yet surveys of young people reach mostly the same conclusion: Mothers and/or fathers top the list as the most important influence on their thinking and actions.

Adult children take many of their cues from parents, too–even when they seem not to care.

Each of us influences other people–positively or negatively–more than we know.

If you doubt it, look back and recall the people who affected you and your thinking, perhaps by just a chance encounter.

Watch out for giving mixed messages

That comes about when we say one thing to one person and something else to another.

Picture the scene: A mom picks up her children from school and they stop for a snack. Mom runs into a friend so those two share a table while their kids occupy the table next to them.

Their youngsters do what kids always do: eavesdrop on adult conversation. Suppose the friend praises the latest edition of Oprah's magazine and Mom chimes in with, "Oh, what I'd give to have that woman's money! All those houses, all those people at her beck and call, what a life that would be!"

Later that day her middle-school age daughter begs for a bigger allowance.

Mom replies, "Your allowance is just fine. Remember, money isn't everything. You need to learn it can't buy happiness."

Will her daughter remember what Mom said about Oprah's big bucks or what she says to her kids?

It's crucial to watch what we say, but first we need to be clear on what we believe and what we stand for. Then we won't give mixed messages.

Because few kids are able to pick through and discern what's important to us, we need to talk about what's good and right and true in our everyday conversation.

For starters:

We point out individuals who demonstrate integrity in small ways as well as big

We stay alert to notice when one of our kids acts kindly or considerately, and hand out some praise

We make sure to tell others about our child's positive acts and let them hear us

What about grades?

Keep them in perspective.

Kids may study hard and do their best, yet fall short of being tops in their class. Let that be enough–and say so.

(Isn't that what we tell them, that we only want them to study hard and do their best?)

When grades alone top the list, the pressure to cheat increases. So does the feeling of not measuring up.

Whether it's academics or deeds of kindness it's good to applaud the effort, whatever the results. "You worked hard, didn't you?" is music to the heart.

If we search out things we admire and speak of it, our words will encourage our kids to repeat them.

School is one thing, life is another

Every part of it gets easier when we have a personal cheering section, at any age. Words matter. So do hugs.

Remember these words from the Apostle Paul?

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.–1 Thessalonians 5:11

Our kids need to know we love them, not when, not if, but as they are.

Children respond to that as a plant responds to sunshine. So do husbands and wives. And friends and parents. And all the people in our lives.

Everyone. Everywhere. In every situation.

Here's to shining the love of Jesus brightly in our lives. That's what makes the best kind of hero.

Lenore
Has anyone ever told you you’re a hero?

October 9, 2019
The other day a friend said, "I don't know why, but I rag on my poor husband all the time–about nothing.

"That sweet man never gets angry, just waits for me to run out of steam and keeps on loving me anyhow."

Maybe you catch yourself falling into that trap once in awhile.

Me, too.

Especially with my own sweet husband, who unfortunately happens to be an imperfect human being.

(Like his wife.)

Home, the 24/7 proving ground

It's at home that we slip up most often, isn't it? Because our loved ones love us we feel free enough to blurt out whatever comes to mind.

Yet if you're like me, your mom told you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything."

We tell our kids, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Sometimes we're not so good at living out those truths in our day-to-day conversations with the person(s) we say we love the most.

Here's the hard truth I didn't want to look at

Our thoughtless words at home speak louder than our words at church.

They reveal what's inside us.

Every time we open our mouths we bring chaos or comfort. As the writer of Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) put it:

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Over the years I've grown somewhat wiser and more aware of myself. I've also learned to say from the heart, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

My husband always does, but we both know no apology blots out the memory of hurtful words.

Now, about those loose lips . . .

Some of us, um, forget when we're supposed to keep a secret. Or we carelessly share way more information than outsiders have a right to know.

Even without evil intent, we can do harm.

There's a remedy available, but not at the drugstore. I discovered it at a time when it was essential for me to, shall we say, keep my mouth shut about confidences that had been shared. I found this wonderful verse from Psalms and it became my frequent prayer.

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. –Psalm 141:3 NIV

I've found that verse "hits me and fits me." It reminds me to think before I speak. It helps me control my wayward tongue.

Did somebody mention gossip?

I'm not a gossip. You're not a gossip.

We do talk about others, however, often in loving concern. To us, that doesn't feel like gossip.

To the subject(s) of our conversation, however, it probably does–unless we have their permission to share their stories.

Here's the problem: As soon as we tell another person we lose control of what happens next.

We can never predict the ripple effect of our words once they leave our mouths.

Gossip is not a new phenomenon. Solomon, the writer of most of Proverbs, knew that once we share a juicy bit of information, it can't be unsaid.

The words of a gossip are swallowed greedily, and they go down into a person's innermost being. Prov. 26:22 GW.

Nothing about human nature has changed since the time of Solomon.

Recalculating our aim

That's a word the recorded voice on our GPS often uses when we fail to follow the directions given. Then we may hear, "recalculating."

That's what the Psalm 141 verse noted above does for me. It helps me recalculate the direction I'm taking and sets me back on the right road. I've found that repeating Bible verses like this reminds me who I am and how I want to be.

I can't do it on my own. Thanks be, I don't have to.

Neither do you.

All we need to do is ask.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. –Hebrews 4:16 NIV

Peace and joy,

Lenore

The case for watching our words

April 19, 2017