Tag: Happy marriage

  • Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

    Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?   Blog. Husband massaging wifes shoulders. 11.13  

    When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take? 

    Then came babies. 

    And bills.

    And life.

    It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.  

    Yet, somehow they did.     

    Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

    We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ….

    Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

    • "We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."
    • "You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."
    • "We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

    Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

    My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

    Then we would settle back into our old routine.

    A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good. 

    Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

    To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

    Finding out it's not about me

    I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

    One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage. 

    Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage." 

    By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

    "I always knew God could make our marriage better–if He chose–so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

    "One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

    "All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

    "I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself. 

    "Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.' 

    "This became my daily prayer."

    Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.  

     "I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too. 

    "It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage–and in me. 

    "Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

    Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them–and their marriages. 

    By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

    The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

    (Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

    I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye. 

    That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer. 

    I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

    That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter. 

    It's all about loving your neighbor

    Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

    "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength … The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  NIV

    Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse. 

    Jesus also said in Luke 6:31: 

    "Do to others as you would have them do to you."  NIV

    That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

    How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

    Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself–or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.  

    Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

    Let's do it, friends! 

    Lenore

    How to put more joy in your marriage

  • Television interviews and articles on marriage can plant the belief if two people are right for each other, their marriage will be perfect. 

    Blog. thoughtful woman at beach. 8.17Consider that an example of faulty reasoning.

    Or buying into someone else's notion of what a marriage should be.

    Proceed carefully to avoid getting stuck in that patch of quicksand.     

    Substitute this foundation truth instead, whether you're single or married, rich or perpetually cash-strapped:

    Nobody's life is perfect.

    No marriage is perfect. 

    How could it be when no living human being is perfect?

    What's true is this: There's no one like you–or your spouse

    Whomever one marries comes equipped with: 

    • a distinct personality  
    • unique strengths and weaknesses  
    • an individual outlook on life 
    • beliefs that may differ  

    Instead of viewing this as a problem, what if we saw it as a strength?

    Such differences can mean that together, the couple is stronger, more complete than either one is on their own. 

    Still, meshing two lives–even when wife and husband are well-matched–-can be a long, delicate process.

    Patience and good humor go a long way to smooth out the inevitable bumps and rough spots.   

    Marriage in real life

    There's no prescribed pattern to what makes for a happy marriage. Marriages are as different as the people in them.

    Even the strongest marriages usually display a pattern of happy periods interspersed with times when the relationship is a bit strained and needs special attention.

    It's no accident that the traditional marriage vows contain the phrase, "as long as we both shall live." In one's marriage relationship and as individuals, we keep growing and changing over a lifetime.

    If we obsess over the troublesome patches in our marriage relationship we too often cheat ourselves out of what could be happy times.

    Wisdom from a pro

    I heard a counselor speak–sorry, I forgot his name–who works with married couples. He advises couples to picture their marriage relationship as a living thing the two of them created. Together.

    A living thing as much in need of tender, watchful care as an infant.

    Then he asks, "How would you keep this living thing healthy?" and "How would you care for it if it were ailing?"

    Here are two of his main points:

    Every living thing needs regular tending and nurturing to keep it alive. So does a marriage.

    Think of regularly spending time together and really listening to each other as the "water" and "food" your marriage needs to stay healthy and thrive.

    Can we keep it simple?

    Absolutely. For starters, make it a priority to ask each other, "How's it going for you?" at least once a day.

    Then be sure to listen to the answer. Try to make this a daily practice, free of distractions like cell phones and the TV.

    If you think this couldn't make a difference, ask the couples (and families) who live by this. Most find it pays rich dividends and nourishes love because each one knows the other(s) cares.

    Taking this small amount of consideration as an essential part of every day proves to the other person that you value them and love them. Not if. Not when. But now.  

    Plug in to the power

    Life is complicated! How can we find the right focus for our days?

    Many think these verses sum up the essentials for a happy life and a happy marriage:

    Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. –Philippians 4:8  NIV

    And now just as you trusted Christ to save you, trust Him, too, for each day's problems; live in vital union with Him. Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him. See that you go on growing in the Lord, and become strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with joy and thanksgiving for all He has done. –Colossians 2:6-7  TLB             

    It's been true since the beginning: As we think in our hearts, so are we.

    That's good news! It means we can choose to think rightly and concentrate on building a strong, growing marriage–and life.

    And that makes all the difference.

    With love,

    Lenore

    Forget the “perfect marriage” myth and be happier

  • Blog. Couple by lake. 3.15

    Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

    I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long. 

    Here's what I wish I had said to her.

    For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

    • Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

    For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

    It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

    Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

    It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need. 

    The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

    Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be. 

    • Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other. 

    "We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

    It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

    No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

    The typical male does not share that perception.

    Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

    Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

    Even with our husband or wife.

    Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is. 

    • Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

    Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

    To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

    If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying. 

    It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

    A new way to think

    All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

    • "We," not "I"
    • "Us," not "me"
    • "Ours," not "mine"

    When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

    Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

    Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

    Good advice from the Apostle Paul

    As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single. 

    Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.                                         Ephesians 4:2  NIV

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.                                                                                 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a  NIV
    Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices
     
    In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.
     
    Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible.  Truths that have stood the test of time. 
     
    Which will it be for you?
     
    Wishing you joy in your life, always,  
    Lenore 

    What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?