Tag: Husbands and Wives

  • Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.  

    Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

    Blog. Wife. Husband. Troubled. 10.05.2021Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated. 

    I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but …. 

     I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

    My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

    He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

    I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

    That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

    Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day. 

    Trying to shift gears for my day

    I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

    (Are you laughing yet?)

    I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

    Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.  

    OUR OWN

    If I had known in the morning
    How wearily all the day
    the words unkind
    would trouble my mind, that
    I said when you went away;
    I would have been more careful, darling;
    nor given you needless pain;
    But we vex our own
    with a look and tone
    We may never take back again.

    For though in the quiet evening
    You may give me the kiss of peace;
    Yet, it might be, that never for me
    The pain of the heart may cease.

    How many go forth in the morning
    and never come home at night,
    and hearts have broken
    for harsh words spoken

    That sorrow can never set right.

                                                –Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

    Before I got to the end . . .

    Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

    And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

    Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

    Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

    The line that would not let me go

    I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!" 

    Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.  

    As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.  

    That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

    When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

    My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."  

    Truths more lasting than any poem

    These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

    Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well. 

    [Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?"   Matthew 7:3-4  ESV

    Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.   1 Corinthians 13:4-7  ESV

    When my husband and I reunited later that day . . . 

    I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

    Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

    Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

    Small insights can lead to clear thinking

    How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?  

    How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

    Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days. 

    As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

    That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

    Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other–and with ourselves–even though we thought we already were.

    You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think–and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.  

    Fruit that is sweet.

    May it do the same for you, my friend,

    Lenore

    For those days when home life feels bumpy

  • Blog. Old-couple-holding-hands-each-other-9.11. 300x187Want your marriage to last a lifetime?

    Then forget all the articles and TV programs about what a marriage should be. 

    No two marriages are alike. How could they be, since no two humans are alike?

    Besides, marriage relationships need time to grow, like plants and trees and every other living thing.

    We don't start kindergarten and immediately know what we know by the time we've earned our Master's degree. We don't leave our wedding ceremony knowing our partner–or ourselves–as well as we will after years of marriage.

    Concentrate on what matters most

    As with building a house, it starts with laying the foundation. Builders plan and erect structures to withstand stresses of wind and weather. So they reinforce the foundation, the beams and the roof, all to ensure stability.

    We need to do the same with our marriages.

    Why not build your marriage on the Rock? My husband and I have been married for years. Each of us already was rooted in Christianity, so we just lived as a couple the same way we lived as singles.

    We didn't know how blessed we were. Looking back, we see how our unity of faith strengthened our marriage bond. When we hit those inevitable rough spots we turned to the Lord, together or separately. 

    Never once did He let us down.

    Who can say if we had it in us to stay committed without His strength and our mutual trust in God?

    Cut each other some slack

    Every one of us knows what we want and what would make us happy. When our marriage partner fails to live up to our ideal picture, we feel cheated. We sigh. We complain. It seldom occurs to us that we're fixated on his faults and blind to our own. 

    How much better for the marriage if we simply stick with the premise that each of us is doing the best we can.

    For example, a frequent complaint of wives is, "We don't communicate!" or "I can't get him to talk to me!

    You've done it. I've done it. Way too long into our marriage I understood it's wired into us females to be verbal. Talking makes us feel good. It's as if we don't know what we think until we talk it over with someone. It's as if we have to talk it over before we can make sense of our lives.

    That's not how guys think.

    There's a good book, fun to read, that lays this out clearly. It's entitled Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti, by Bill & Pam Farrel. Their basic concept is that men are able to compartmentalize, to wall off one part of their lives from another and keep them separate. (Waffles.) For women, however, every part of their lives touches every other part. (Spaghetti.) 

    That concept, as silly as it sounds, can help us understand problem areas in our marriages. (Pam and Bill have appeared on Focus on the Family and have a resource-packed website: http://love.wise.com/index.php)  

    Wine that ages is more mellow and flavorful. Marriages, too.

    Remember these beautiful lines from Robert Browning?

    "Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the last of life, for which the first was made. Our times are in his hand who saith, 'A whole I planned, youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!'"

    By now my husband and I know the truth of Browning's words. The "best years" truly are worth hanging on for!

    Believe it, my friend.

    Lovingly,

    Lenore

     

     

    Defy the odds! Know what makes for a good marriage