I know, it sounds too simple, but then, most principles of life boil down to simple, don’t they?
It took me way too long to understand that sticking to these three attitudes toward life can eliminate much of what we call “stress”.
Here’s what I came up with for now.
1. Get real.
2. Get focused.
3. Get thankful.
Curious? Read on.
Get real. We ought not expect the people around us to be on our wave length. They’re individuals, remember?
So are the people we’re closest to. So it shouldn’t surprise us if they don’t immediately grasp the meaning of what we say to them. And vice versa. This explains why any two people so often talk past each other.
I well remember the first time I gave my husband one of those “poor little me” remarks, thinking my groom would understand and see my point. Instead, he replied, “Honey, you’re only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn’t. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?”
Once I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he wasn’t wired that way.
A small bit of common sense reminds us that flowery gestures come cheap–and can be empty. A good marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. So does any close relationship or friendship.
Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. That’s harder to do in the face of social media and because we stare at screens so much of the time.
It’s time we engrave this on the hard drive of our minds:
Except for live interviews and action shots, everything we see on TV or on Facebook, Instagram, and the like has been carefully staged.
(Think about it. Would you post a photo or video depicting your family and yourself in the midst of a bad day?)
Nevertheless, distractions like TV shows and social media can be enticing traps. We look at what’s onscreen and then contemplate our “imperfect” lives and get depressed.
We get depressed because we forget that we see only what they want us to see.
2. Get focused
Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph–and pick up–messages by what we focus on.
I saw that play out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck. He carried her out and both were grinning from ear to ear.
Tables around them held other couples and families, everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody smiled and nobody talked to anybody, at least not to any live person sitting at the same table. When they finished eating they simply got up and walked out, still focused on their electronic gadgets. I doubt I could have counted five smiles among that group.
The contrast pained my heart. The daddy and daughter deepened their relationship and enhanced their family’s strength and love. The others, the ones who hardly spoke to each other, satisfied their hunger and their curiosity of the moment. Nothing more.
I’ll not forget that day because it felt as if I were observing a case study in the ways people interact with others. Or lack of same.
That lunchtime drove home an important truth for me: What and whom we focus on plays a huge part in our moods and how we view our lives.
3. Get thankful
For some of us progress may be slow, but to simply be thankful can become a habit. I truly believe that.
I’ve been working for years to learn the art of tuning my awareness toward the good rather than getting hung up on what I perceive as life’s insufficiencies or annoyances. I don’t have it nailed yet, but I’ve made progress. I see the difference in my moods and outlook on life.
I know now how much it lifts my mood all day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.
At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking the Giver and naming the good, ending with a simple, “Thank you, Lord.” Then I commit to God’s loving care the people I’m concerned about and whatever troubles me. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.
As always, the Bible shows us how:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.1 Peter 5:7
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Philippians 4:8
That last verse from Philippians spells out the best and most stable places to park our thoughts.
Once we learn to fix our thoughts on what is real and what is right in our lives and in the people we love, living more happily naturally follows. Instead of scowling and complaining about what’s wrong with the world, we can fasten on God’s goodness in the midst of it all–and smile.
(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)
Remember when we were little and we proudly declared, "I'm gonna do something important when I grow up!"
Most of us lost that certainty and we toned it down as the years went by. Besides, our definition of "important" changed–and that's a good thing.
Some people have a mental pecking order when it comes to jobs. Sorry to tell you, but that's an outdated concept.
Sometimes a job is much more than it seems
Mitzi works in a child care center. She earns little more than minimum wage, but she loves kids.
Some days the babies cry all day and toddlers cling. On those days sometimes she would like to turn around, walk out the door and never come back.
But she stays, knowing she's "security" for the little ones in her charge.
The moms and dads love her because it's plain to see that Mitzi loves their children. They often confide in her because she always lets them talk. What's more, she takes time to listen. Mitzi raised three children of her own, so she often passes on practical tips from her own parenting.
More than one young mom has said to her, "I don't know what I'd do without you, Mitzi. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants as a mom and I don't have anyone else to ask. You are a lifesaver!"
George is "just a janitor" in a middle school.
He has a small cubbyhole "office" where he eats his sack lunch and puts his feet up between chores.
Each year at the beginning of the school year he makes sure to spread the word to students just coming in that he wants to be helpful. He lets everyone know it's okay to stop by his office and if he can help them, he will.
There might as well be a sign that reads "Counselor" over the door to his tiny room. Every day one or a few kids stop by. They talk and he listens. Sometimes he asks leading questions that turn their thoughts in a new direction. He takes the time, even if they still hang around after the end of a long school day.
Always, George takes care that his door stays open.
When a student finishes talking it out George usually assures them that he can tell they are strong and that he knows they will work it out. Most of the time that's all they need.
Sometimes he advises them to talk to a particular teacher or counselor. If he spots a youngster who seems deeply troubled, he quietly alerts faculty members who could come alongside.
Every now and then a kid will tell him, "You're my best friend in all the world, George. Nobody else cares."
Sandy worked behind the counter of a roller skating rink
On weekends and vacation times that rink also served as a hangout for middle- and high-schoolers with too much time on their hands. Her official job was to check everyone in and hand out skates.
Sandy didn't stop with that. She also settled arguments, usually by listening to both sides and then helping the kids get a better perspective. Her clear eyes saw everything, including young couples who couldn't keep their hands off each other.
"They're good kids, most of 'em," she said, "but a few have no one at home because their parents work late. That's why they hang around here–and why they talk to me. Some of their questions are 'lulus,' let me tell you! Everything from faith to sex to fear their parents might be getting a divorce."
That's when Sandy smiled, her face alight with real affection. "They need someone they can talk to. That makes me glad I can be here and that I have time to listen. I give out lots of hugs and I get hugged back. I guess for some of those kids I'm like another mom–and it's good for me to be needed, too."
Let's drop the word "just" when talking about what we do
You're not "just" a mom or a dad. You are raising the next generation. What could be more important than that? You are the one(s) in charge of your family's life and almost certainly, you set the tone for the atmosphere in your home.
You're not "just" a senior with time on your hands. You can use that extra time in so many ways, with your family, in your church and/or in your community. You are available and that enables you to be a blessing in ways that weren't possible earlier in your life.
You're not "just" a caregiver for a loved one. You are the one who–probably more than you know–makes it possible for that family member to feel still loved and valued, in spite of needing care.
You're not "just" a nurse or nurse's aide. You are the one who has the most direct contact with patients. You care for them–and probably with a smile that doesn't quit. You speak hope when they are depressed and encourage them.
You're not "just" the employee who keeps the business or restaurant tidy, including the restrooms. Because of your quiet work in the background, customers relax and feel confidence that things are done as they should be.
The list goes on and on. Endlessly.
Adding value to what we do as individuals
However we spend our days we can make life better for ourselves and others without much extra effort, often with words alone.
It's as the writer of Proverbs says in 25:11 (ESV):
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
A friend suggested the other day that instead of the cliche, "Have a nice day," we Christians easily could say, "May God give you a good day."
Or when someone asks, "How are you?" we could do better than reply with our standard "I'm fine." We could answer with something like, "I'm blessed and thankful, and I hope you are, too."
Suppose we took the words of the Apostle Paul seriously
Finally, brothers [and sisters,] whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV
What if you and I made it our "job" to live out those words? Whatever else we do each day, we could embody these truths and let it come through in our ordinary conversations and our everyday responsibilities. Think how that could change our days–and every interaction with other people.
This may sound small and unimportant, but trust me: The results(s) could be mighty.
Best of all, whatever our age or life situation, every one of can do this "small job, right now, wherever we are.
This may sound a bit outlandish, but hang in there and read on. I promise there's a logical connection.
Did you ever notice how quickly we pick up on it when someone criticizes us or seems to judge us negatively?
Praise may inhabit the same sentences, but we miss that.
In one effortless leap, we pounce on the negative and camp out.
The thought lingers like pesky grains of beach sand that refuse to rub off or wash off.
I wonder what she meant by that?
How can he expect me to …?
Who does she think she is?
We brush the offender away, but it returns in the middle of the night, unbidden.
Always, we choose what to do with it
We can keep it, nurse it and turn it into a pet.
We can blow it up until it blots out the rest of our otherwise good life.
If we take either path, this thing will grow into hardness of heart and that becomes as unyielding as a chunk of granite.
Before long we develop a worrisome habit and find intentional slights and hurts lurking in every conversation. It doesn't matter whether anyone else agrees. We know what that speaker meant.
Good advice from a wise friend for how to handle times like this
A Bible teacher once laid out some strategies about this topic to our group.
Hold your perception up to the light and examine it as objectively as you can. Discard what you know is false.
Pluck out any truth you find and weigh its worth. If you need to, swallow hard and face it.
Consider carefully before you speak up, knowing you have no power to change another person's mind.
State the facts calmly, without heat. Without argument.
Apologize when you know you need to, even if it doesn't feel comfortable. Do it for your own clear conscience and your peace of mind.
Decide to leave your wounded pride at the cross–and don't pick it up again.
Pray for a heart of love toward the one(s) who hurt you.
Let's learn from the oyster
Oysters that take in pieces of grit may form pearls of incredible luster over time. Similarly, irritating experiences can produce something beautiful in us.
If we let them.
All it takes is letting go of our pain and leaving it behind at the cross. (Yes, I know that's hard.)
Listen to what Jesus told his followers in John 10:10:
"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
The full life. Peace of mind and heart. Joy down deep, where it lasts and where it matters.
Speaking of Jesus …
It's not that long since Christians all over the world celebrated Easter. Why do we mark this wonderful event every year? Here's why, in a nutshell:
Jesus came. He lived and died, really died. Three days later He burst out of his grave, fully alive, and in his human body He walked and talked to many people. He ate with His friends. By His life and death Jesus made peace between us and God. He came to make us new and set us free from the power of sin in our lives. That's what Easter is all about–and Jesus came for all people.
And that's why we can be at peace, with no need to take offense when someone else sounds critical of us. It doesn't matter and our self-esteem need not be diminished one bit. We have all we need in Jesus.
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17 ESV
That's why we Christians rejoice over Easter.
That's why we can forgive others when they unintentionally–or even intentionally–speak thoughtless words that hurt us. In Jesus we can let it go and pay no attention..
Life is too precious to waste on hurt feelings. Let's "grow pearls" instead.
