Tag: Relationships

Some often-told stories speak to every one of us. Like this one:

Picture the new teacher who comes into a new classroom. Truth is, even veteran teachers each year come into the unknown. Each one faces a sea of eager (or bored) students, mostly strangers to them.

Suppose the new teacher, for whatever reason, believes students assigned to his or her classroom are super-bright. What a privilege it will be to teach these high-achievers and give them the kind of instruction they deserve!

Those kids respond and blossom and turn in exceptionally good work. Teacher is happy and students are happy.

Peace reigns, day after day.

Near the end of the school year this teacher discovers the truth

These kids were not "gifted." Just the opposite. Everyone from the principal on down considered them to be chronic behavior problems. "Somehow" they all ended up with the new teacher.

Long-time teachers secretly rejoiced that somebody else got stuck with these "troubled learners." They knew how these kids struggled in class and got sent to the principal's office on a regular basis. Every teacher and faculty member who tried to help ended up frustrated. None would admit it out loud, but these kids simply were being moved on through the system.

Small wonder the old guard laughed when the newbie teacher treated these youngsters as if they were high-achievers. After awhile they stopped being amused. Wonder of wonders, those "loser" students began to live up to their teacher's expectations–and then some.

In real life it never works out this neatly, of course.

But what if it could? What if it did?

Perhaps we need to take a fresh look at the people in our lives. Our spouses. Our children. Our friends and extended families. The people we work with and interact with in our everyday activities.

Have we fitted them neatly into a box because we "know" their capabilities or lack of same?

Have we given them labels based on the past instead of on who they are today?

It's disturbingly easy to get stuck in what they–and we–used to be. It helps to pretend you've just met and ask yourself, "Who is this person?"

You may be surprised at what you find.

Sometimes we do the same thing with ourselves

Every now and then it's good to ask ourselves, Who am I today?

If that sounds like a strange thing to do, just pause and think how often you say, "I never," or, "I always."

Maybe that phrase once was true, but is it an accurate description today?

Probably more than we realize, what we expect is what will happen, over and over–with others and with ourselves.

We all know the saying, "What you see is what you get."

The truth of those words apply in so many areas of living, especially in our relationships. People tend to live up to our expectations. So do you and I in our self-appraisal of who we are and what we can do.

The Apostle Paul tells us how to get a new outlook on ourselves and on other people–in 2 Corinthians 5:17 and in Ephesians 4:32:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you.

That's the Good News of the Christian faith if we put our trust in Jesus Christ as our Savior. That's true no matter how many times we failed. It's not about how great we are or all we've been able to accomplish. HE is the one who makes us new. All we need to do is believe this is true.

Our outlook on other people changes, too. We're able to stop thinking they should live up to how we view them. Because of these same promises we can let go of old hurts and expectations.

As usual, it starts with the eyes of our heart and how we choose to see others and ourselves. Here's to looking–and seeing–with new eyes.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

Keep Your Eyes Open Or You Might Miss What Matters Most

August 21, 2024
As I waited in the long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the interchange between a thirty-something couple just ahead.

The petite wife sobbed as she pushed back an errant strand of her long dark hair. Then she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and said, "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends."

"I know, I know," her husband said gently, then wrapped his burly arms around her and pulled her close.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Sweetheart, we've talked this over so many times and we agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. This will give us a so much brighter future. Remember?"

She nodded, tears still streaking her cheeks.

"It'll be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airline clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Their conversation was sparse, mostly the husband methodically pointing out why their upcoming move would be good. She bit her quivering lip and nodded her head.

I could have written the script for their exchanges, since my husband and I have lived it a time or two.

Soon the wife headed toward the restroom.

That's when I glimpsed the young husband's heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working, and he wiped his eyes a time or two.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a big smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man who put opportunity first. Maybe she thought him filled with confidence. She might even have supposed he didn't much care about what mattered to her.

This couple kept me thinking all the way to my destination

I couldn't escape the sense they communicated a lot about love and marriage.

We females more often wear our feelings openly. When our husbands don't respond with equal emotion we may think them cold, uncaring, even selfish. All the while they may be holding back their own emotions.

Could that be because we say we want them to be strong? Disciplined? Responsible?

The young husband's dejected look and stance the minute his wife walked away telegraphed his personal struggle. But he never let his wife see that. She needed to believe that he believed their plan was wise and good–and swallow any reservations of his own.

How often hasn't my husband done that for me?

I suspect the answer would be more often than I ever guessed.

Bringing their story home

I don't know what happened to those two, but I'm grateful I was able to peek inside their life for those few minutes.

They caused me to look within. I confess I didn't much like what I saw.

How often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, another personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's making the world all about ME.

Jesus spoke of another kind of love

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

Not one of us can live up to that standard, but we can be careful to value the opinions and emotions of our husband–or wife–and other family members as much as our own.

That love and respect is like soothing oil on an aching wound, especially in situations when we can't quite get on the same page.

Isn't it a wonder how again and again God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways . . . if we open the eyes of our hearts.

Still learning,

Lenore

Learning about love from strangers in an airport

June 21, 2017
That's a question worth considering because it applies to all human relationships, the workplace and even school classrooms.

By now I've lived long enough to understand we often find what we're looking for.

Does that sound too simplistic? Read on. This often-told story is said to be true and it carries a timeless universal message. Here's my version, all names fictional.

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

Shortly before school commenced for the year brand-new teacher Angie White visited the school office. The secretary handed her a stack of files. "Sorry, no grade transcripts. Principal Green likes new teachers to start off fresh and form their own opinions. I do have some lists and notes Mrs. Black left behind when she retired. Last year she taught most of these children in fourth-grade."

Angie noticed some students had asterisks by their names and a few names were underlined. Hmm. I'll bet these were her favorites–or maybe the brightest ones or the most responsible. What a treat it will be to have a class with so many above-average kids!

Next Monday the children showed up and Miss Angie greeted them with a big smile. Over time other teachers noted her consistently upbeat attitude. A couple of veterans talked about it in the teachers' lounge. Miss Lucy said, "She'll get over it soon enough. In the beginning we all thought we could change the world, too. It won't be long before our Miss White gets a dose of reality."

At year's end Principal Green scheduled the usual closing assembly and picnic. Retired teachers were invited as special guests. As soon as she could Angie headed over to meet the teacher who had eased her way.

"I'm Angie White, the fifth-grade teacher who inherited your wonderful class. Oh Mrs. Black, you must have been an inspiring teacher to those fourth-graders! Thanks so much for leaving behind those helpful notes that identified your brightest students. I loved teaching them. No matter how I challenged them, they amazed me with their ability."

Dorothy Black stared at her. "My wonderful class? My dear, you must have me confused with someone else. You can't possibly be talking about the children I had last year. They were the main reason I retired early."

Angie White's forehead creased. "But remember your list? At first I didn't know what those asterisks next to certain names might mean. Then I figured out that was your code to identify top students. And you were right-on. Those kids absolutely exceeded my expectations. It seemed they sparked everyone else, too. I was so privileged to have a class like that in my first year of teaching. Hope they didn't spoil me for next year when I get a class of kids who are just average."

"I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Please give me some names!"

Mrs. Black took her hand. "My dear, I marked the names of the problem children, the incorrigible ones, the ones who never turned in their homework. They barely made it through fourth grade.

"I wasn't surprised, of course, because their third-grade teacher Sandra Sims warned me to expect a rough year. Just as she said, many were below-par and a couple had real behavior problems. So I just did the best I could with them and somehow got through the year."

Angie White looked away, clearing her throat and blinking back tears. What can I say?

Finally Dorothy Black took her hand and her voice broke, "I see now there's no mystery, my dear. I think those children simply lived up to my expectations.

"They also lived up to yours …"

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

This little tale packs a punch, doesn't it?

It always leaves me with questions.

How often do I plug in someone else's opinion instead of making my own judgments?

Do I expect the best or the worst out of people? Out of life?

Do I allow the people in my life to be who they are?

Every day, in every instance it starts with our mindset. We can't do better than the Apostle Paul's words in Philippians 4:8:

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. -ESV

Still learning,

Lenore
Which is more important, facts or expectations?

March 29, 2017
My husband and I will celebrate another wedding anniversary this week–and it's a big one. People always ask us the same question. "What's your secret?"

We have none, because every marriage is as individual as the people in it.

You might say we've been married forever, which is pretty much true. We met and fell in love–hard–when we were teenagers. Naive. Smitten. Burning with love. About 130 miles separated us, which, looking back, was a good thing. Without text messages, cell phones or Emails, we had to rely on occasional phone calls and writing letters for the two and one-half years we dated–and waited.

We married young, too young by today's standards, as did many of our friends. Like newlyweds everywhere, money was tight and we worked hard. But we were on top of the world, madly in love, and we were together. Living in the same house. Sleeping in the same bed. After two years we welcomed the first of our four children and graduated into parenthood. That stretched us to the max.

So we blundered through, praying hard, loving our kids and each other.

We understand now what we couldn't back then. Through it all each of us in our own way tried to live as if "we" was more important than "you."

There's a flip side to that equation. "You" are more important than "me."

Tough times? Sure, we had them. Often responsibilities like work and children crowded out time together. But we had promised to love each other and be faithful until death. During the hard times we hung on tight to each other and got through it.

It's not too much of a stretch to say that love is rather like the ocean. The tide comes in, the tide goes out.

Sometimes it feels as if love has gone away and we're at low tide. That's not the time to bail out. If we wait awhile love comes back with as much power as ever, maybe more.

Storms may rage on the top and waves may crash. But way down in the depths all is calm.

Love is like that.

Marriage is like that.

We know only one way to maintain the calm, constant depths of a marriage relationship. That's to base it on faith in Christ. From the beginning my husband and I shared our faith in Jesus and we prayed for our marriage. We knew we had Help in times of stress. Our common beliefs also eliminated many of the usual sources of conflict.

I'm afraid it took us too long to understand the obvious. For years we each talked to God and read from the Bible on our own. Then we discovered the joy of reading Scripture and praying together. Now we start almost every day this way. To hear my husband thank God for me still touches my heart as nothing else can.

So here we are, my husband and I, still madly in love with each other and thankful God brought us together so long ago. We're ready to celebrate–celebrate!–another year of marriage and life. Behold, it is very good and better all the time. Honest.

May you be blessed,

Lenore

What makes love last over the years?

February 1, 2011
Rex Babin, cartoonist for the Sacramento Bee, perfectly captures the emotions felt by many of us during the amazing, God-blessed rescue of the Chilean miners.

I think it's because each of us could mentally step into the shoes of those waiting wives and family members. During the previous 69 days they shed gallons of anxious tears. Now their eyes brimmed with tears of joy and thanksgiving.

You and I have prayed for a loved one to be safe. We know what it's like to gaze into a beloved face we feared we might never see again. We know what it's like to long to hear the sound of someone's voice.

Perhaps some of those couples parted in anger that day. We have, too. We know what it's like to later wish we had said, "I love you, no matter what. I love you and I don't care what happened. I love you."

These joyful reunions remind us not to take each other for granted.

Last August 5th probably at least one or two of those Chilean wives waved from across the room or out the car window as their husbands went off to work. Another ordinary day like every other day. Ho-hum.

Except, of course, it wasn't.

We do that, too, don't we? After all, life is busy and we're in a rush. Family members have places to go and things to do. Kids go off to school. Nothing unusual about that. We'll see each other at the end of day.

Or maybe not.

Sure, mining is riskier than going off to the hardware store. But there's no escaping a shocking truth. We live with the same uncertainty as the miners who went down into the depths of earth.

Being alive is risky. Not one of us knows what any day will bring. None of us knows how many days we'll go on breathing.

So I propose we fix those Chilean reunion images in our minds and replay them often. Let them remind us to treasure our spouses and children and friends–and parents–while they're still with us. To understand that while they're not perfect, neither are we.

And let's be joyful in the moment we're living. One moment at a time is all we get and only God knows the number of our days. He wrote them in his book before we were born (Psalm 139:16.)

So with our perspectives freshly adjusted let's live out what we know. Each person we love who loves us back is a precious gift, not a given.

That's what we communicate when we say those three simple, wonderful words, "I love you."

And don't forget the hugs,

Lenore

Question for you: What story can you share with the rest of us? (Just click on "Comments" at the end and follow directions.)

Who needs to hear you say, “I love you,” today?

October 14, 2010