Category: Happiness

Even when we know our life is good, it can feel overwhelming at times

Even if we're living out our dream. Even when we know we're blessed. Even–surprisingly–though we may be living our dream.

Today, when that old, old feeling strikes me, I go back to what I discovered as a frazzled young mom.

Living on overload was dragging me down. But how to get a grip?

Was I praying? Absolutely. I could see God's goodness in our life, but most days I felt myself hustling just to keep up on the basics.

I needed more. I needed some sort of a practical action plan. A stronger, wiser way of looking at people and my life.

From that crisis point I went back to school, so to speak. Any tidbit of time I could manage I first read the Bible and fed my soul. I scoured our daily newspaper and clipped useful articles. I tore out magazine articles and pored over good self-help books. I kept a notebook where I copied out the best sections and jotted down notes.

Enter Dr. Crane, who offered advice, free for the taking

His column ran regularly in our newspaper. His down-to-earth approach to life appealed to me. This professional's syndicated column, "Dr. Crane Says," ran in newspapers all over the USA. Later I learned his column already had been running for decades when I found it for myself.

Each time I found useful pointers for living. Even then I knew it was genius to take lengthy principles for mental health and boil them down to their essence, so that readers of any educational level could understand them.

Back then it seemed groundbreaking when Dr. Crane's "Just for Today" piece appeared. Over the years I noticed he reran it periodically, always explaining it cut down on constant requests for reprints.

The first time I read it I taped it to a cupboard door and reread it at least once a day. His simple wisdom painted a picture for me of what it would look like to live richly and feel I had some control over my life. It laid out a clear track that anyone could follow.

Recently I ran across this old friend again

Obviously, I'm not the only reader who prized Dr. Crane's practical wisdom. Since this piece now is in the public domain, I pass it on in its original 1921 version. May you, too, find these timeless words useful and helpful. Even today, they speak to my heart. May they speak to yours, too.

                                                        JUST FOR TODAY

Here are ten resolutions to make when you awake in the morning.

They are Just for One Day. Think of them not as a life task but as a day’s work.

These things will give you pleasure. Yet they require will power. You don’t need resolutions to do what is easy.

1. Just for Today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life-problem at once. I can do some things for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep them up for a lifetime.

2. Just for Today, I will be Happy. This assumes that what Abraham Lincoln said is true, that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happiness is from Within; it is not a matter of Externals.

3. Just for Today, I will Adjust myself to what Is, and not try to Adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my family, my business, and my luck as they come, and fit myself to them.

4. Just for Today, I will take care of my Body. I will exercise it, care for it, and nourish it, and not abuse it nor neglect it; so that it will be a perfect machine for my will.

5. Just for Today, I will try to strengthen my mind, I will study. I will learn something useful, I will not be a mental loafer all day. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

6. Just for Today, I will exercise my Soul. In three ways, to wit:

    (a) I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anybody knows of it, it will not count.

    (b) I will do at least two things I don’t want to do, as William James suggests, just for exercise.

    (c) I will not show any one that my feelings are hurt. They may be hurt, but Today I will not show it.

7. Just for Today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress as becomingly as possible, talk low, act courteously, be liberal with flattery, criticize not one bit nor find fault with anything, and not try to regulate nor improve anybody.

8. Just for Today, I will have a Programme. I will write down just what I expect to do every hour. I may not follow it exactly, but I’ll have it. It will save me from the two pests, Hurry and Indecision.

9. Just for Today, I will have a quiet half hour, all by myself, and relax. During this half hour, some time, I will think of God, so as to get a little more perspective to my life.

10. Just for Today, I will be Unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to be Happy, to enjoy what is Beautiful, to love and to believe that those I love love me.

Even today, in 2021, the plan points us toward sound mental health, doesn't it? Most refreshing of all, there's not one word of controversy or fear or politics.

Does the list sound too daunting to master? First let's remind ourselves this is a list to work toward, not one one which we either pass or fail. It's like a road map that points toward an attractive destination.

Besides, we're not in this alone. Today and every day, our Best Friend is with us and strengthens us. Here's the key Bible verse that proves that.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.                                                             Philippians 4:13

Just for Today, with God's help, we'll make it through.

Still growing, too,

Lenore

How to make it through the not-so-good days

October 12, 2021
Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.

Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated.

I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but ….

I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day.

Trying to shift gears for my day

I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning
How wearily all the day
the words unkind
would trouble my mind, that
I said when you went away;
I would have been more careful, darling;
nor given you needless pain;
But we vex our own
with a look and tone
We may never take back again.

For though in the quiet evening
You may give me the kiss of peace;
Yet, it might be, that never for me
The pain of the heart may cease.

How many go forth in the morning
and never come home at night,
and hearts have broken
for harsh words spoken

That sorrow can never set right.

–Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Before I got to the end . . .

Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!"

Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.

As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.

That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."

Truths more lasting than any poem

These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well.

[Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

When my husband and I reunited later that day . . .

I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

Small insights can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days.

As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other–and with ourselves–even though we thought we already were.

You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think–and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.

Fruit that is sweet.

May it do the same for you, my friend,

Lenore

For those days when home life feels bumpy

October 6, 2021
"Did you ever … ?"

Those three words can trigger a flood of memories, can't they?

Like the time a friend asked, "Did you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?" Out of nowhere popped up the memory of a weekend when a few Bible verses became my lifeline.

I needed one. For no reason I could figure out, I felt I was drowning in motherhood and in danger of losing who I was forever.

Don't get me wrong. Our life was good. My husband and I loved each other dearly. No big problems, good health, four great kids. Any fool would be thankful.

Wouldn't they? Shouldn't they?

Still, I yearned for something, because I was tired of feeling moody and unsettled.

All I knew for certain was I wanted to get back my usual sense of peace and well-being.

One Friday I read a tiny newspaper announcement about a weekend workshop for women

Over lunch I told my husband, "Wish I could go. It's only an hour's drive from here, but it starts tonight." (Cue in big sigh.)

Then that terrific man I married (who wanted his happy wife back) surprised me. "Of course you should go! The girls and I will be just fine."

I hugged him and right away called the number listed. Yes, they had space. Hallelujah!

I dressed and packed in a frenzy of anticipation. I knew only that the speakers would be Christian women from a neighboring state. A few hours later I waved and blew kisses and drove away feeling giddy at the prospect of 48 hours with nobody yelling, "Mommy!"

When I checked into the hotel I found my room and for a little while, I just basked in the quiet.

Then I walked into a ballroom full of women I didn't know. I didn't mind because it suited me just fine to be anonymous. All I wanted was time for me and perhaps to pick up some useful tips for living.

Handouts told me the conference theme was Ecclesiastes–which I confess, I didn't know much about.

Five minutes into the first speaker's talk, I knew why I was there.

Identifying the root of my discontent

As I listened to the speakers and read the verses I began to understand my blue mood. During the previous few months I had watched and listened to a lot of "experts" and talking heads, all enthusiastically promoting almost identical themes. Magazine articles trotted out "reinforcements" for what sounded in those day like startling findings:

I owed it to myself to "accomplish" something so I could be fulfilled.

Just being a wife and mother could never satisfy my deepest needs, only waste my potential for greatness.

Any woman who allowed a man to "dominate" her or influence her decisions was a fool–even if she thought herself blessed to be married to a good, sweet man who loved her, as I was.

Even though I had not consciously bought into these "new" theories, that weekend I knew they had lodged insidiously within my mind and heart.

Little by little, the repetition from all sides painted my thinking in a wash of dull gray.

Learning from Solomon

Without quite being aware of it I brought that mindset to the conference. No wonder this theme verse leaped out at me:

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind … Ecclesiastes 2:11 NIV

That first night we focused on Chapter Two, where Solomon relates his goals and dreams and also his great wealth and achievements. Yet all he felt was emptiness.

Our speaker asked us: Had we ever felt empty and as if our lives were pointless? Women all over the ballroom nodded in agreement.

I thought of all the voices telling me to look out for No. 1 and I heard Solomon's phrase drum in my mind: "chasing after the wind."

Next day's workshops looked at life, marriage and the joy of growing a family

Our leader stressed the great privilege God bestows when he entrusts us with a child.

It matters not whether we become birth parents or step-parents or whether we adopt a child. It's even true when we are rearing children in place of someone else.

Every day moms (and dads) help shape the next generation. Every day we plant faith and values that will carry over into the lives of our children and through them, into our grandchildren and stretching into the future.

What's more, our children are watching and listening in as we adults live our lives, picking up clues on how to do it. Like good detectives they pay as much–and maybe more–attention to our actions as they do to our words.

That packs every minute of every day with lasting meaning and significance.

During that brief workshop the truth of that statement gently smacked me on the head and got my attention, then moved in to stay. I saw it clearly. My life had purpose and meaning, just as it was. I already lived a life that mattered.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6 NIV

Simple words, yet they reminded me who I was–and who I wanted to be

That weekend I got my right attitude back. I saw clearly the contrast between empty theories and Truth that stands the test of time. My heart danced as I thought how blessed I was to have a strong marriage and healthy children.

I cherish the memory of that weekend when God spoke to me through the speakers and through Ecclesiastes. He replenished my spirit and got me back on track. He gave me eyes to see.

He has made everything beautiful in its time … I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all [their] toil–this is God's gift to [mankind.] Ecclesiastes 3:11a; 12-13 ESV

No longer would I look "out there" to set my standards and gauge my "fulfillment" by someone else's measuring stick.

I drove home singing–and praying, impatient to hug my husband and daughters. After that weekend nothing changed about my life but me.

And that changed everything.

Praying you may see the value of what you do every day!

Lenore
On learning again that all we need is eyes to see what matters most

April 21, 2021
Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that.

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs–or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new–and we will–we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere.

Molehills grow into mountains in no time.

Stick with the better way

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child–whatever their age–and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships.

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family.

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating.

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky.

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel–without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

Each family member shares the high point of their day.

Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day–while the others listen.

(Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.")

Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch."

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends.

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel–and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. —Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  –2 Corinthians 5:17

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  –Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change–and our happiness level will keep rising.

Learning, too,

Lenore
How to raise your happiness level right where you are

March 17, 2021
The debate never ends.

You know the questions: Hasn't psychiatry replaced religion? How can the Bible, written so long ago, be relevant for today?

After years of medical practice an American psychiatrist named J. T. Fisher offered his opinion.

"If you were to take the sum total of all authoritative articles ever written by the most qualified of psychologists and psychiatrists on the subject of mental hygiene, if you were to combine them and refine them and cleave out the excess verbiage, if you were to take the whole of the meat and none of the parsley, and if you were to have these unadulterated bits of pure scientific knowledge concisely expressed by the most capable of living poets, you would have an awkward and an incomplete summary of the Sermon on the Mount. And it would suffer immeasurably through comparison.

"For nearly two thousand years the Christian world has been holding in its hands the complete answer to its restless and fruitless yearning. Here rests the blueprint for successful human life, with optimum mental health and contentment."

— A Few Buttons Missing: The Case Book of a Psychiatrist, by J.T. Fisher, M. D., and L.S. Hawley

Obviously, Dr. Fisher liked long sentences.

True, but he didn't waffle and spoke in definite terms. (Kind of refreshing, don't you think?)

He referred to Jesus' words in Matthew 5:1 to 7:29, commonly known as the Sermon on the Mount. Exactly where Jesus spoke these words remains uncertain. Many scholars think the crowds listening to him sat on the gently sloping hillside at the northwest corner of the Sea of Galilee.

Read through these verses and you'll find much that's familiar like the Lord's Prayer. Phrases often used by believers and non-believers are here, too, like "salt of the earth" and "let your light shine."

Suppose we could consult Dr. Fisher

We might ask for a prescription to stay sane in the midst of the craziness all around us.

Based on his writings it's likely he might answer:

"Read a few verses from the Sermon on the Mount every day.

"Spend some time thinking about what you just read, then live it out.

"Do this every day and your mental and emotional health will improve greatly."

Any of us can fill this prescription and take this medicine–with or without medical insurance. You see, there is no co-pay. It' has been paid in full, in advance, for every human being, for all time.

Let the debate rage on–and it will

Let it swirl around you, but don't let it color your outlook on life. Counter it with verses like these:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? … Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? … Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25, 27, 34

I know from experience that if we focus our minds on Bible truth it's an effective way to stay calm.

What matters most of all is that we know Jesus, the One who spoke those words and offers us peace-in-the-midst.

Or as Dr. Fisher put it, the One who holds out the answer to all our restless and fruitless yearning: Himself.

He knew an old truth that's still true now, even with all the advances in knowledge and technology: It matters what we allow into our minds.

In a time when our choices are dizzying, here's to filling our minds with the Good Stuff!

Still learning,

Lenore
Psychiatry or the Gospel, which one brings mental health?

February 24, 2021
Valentine's Day is big, but what comes after February 14th?

Now, that's the real issue, isn't it?

Over the years I've teased out the differences between what I thought as a young romantic and what I know now.

Dreams vs. reality

*The darling man I would marry would wow me with beautiful gestures of love.

The darling man I did marry wowed me by quietly living out love.

*Beforehand, I assumed marriage to the man I truly loved would be easy.

Afterward, I discovered real marriage to the real man I truly loved sometimes grew tense and a slight chill descended, but if we kept talking we could work it through.

*The mate I saw in my imagination would never be too busy to listen to my ramblings.

The mate I saw over the kitchen table sometimes seemed preoccupied, but he heard what was on my heart.

*The lover in my romantic dreams regularly would lapse into extravagant declarations of love, like a movie hero who makes his lady swoon.

The lover in my 24/7 life saw me at my absolute worst more than once and declared me still beautiful to him, which made me swoon.

*My future husband would be one who stood for truth and beauty and what is right and of course, everyone would look up to him.

My real life husband lived out his faith in Jesus in his everyday doings–and all the rest followed.

*The one I dreamed of making a life with would come home with a happy heart and swing me off my feet.

The one I shared a life with loved being home and his heart was happy if mine was. Always, he could "swing me off my feet" with that smile.

*The young man I fell in love with could give me "butterflies in my stomach" with a smile or an arm around my waist.

The always-young man I married still gave me flutters with that certain smile or that certain hug.

*Before marriage I supposed I could only fall in love with an exceptional man.

After marriage I came to understand my husband and I were one ordinary man and one ordinary woman. Our day-after-day mutual love and support transformed us into something special–at least in each other's eyes. Who could ask for more?

By now you know me better

You've figured out I used words in past tense. Yes, my forever Valentine went home to Jesus some months ago, after years of declining health.

I will love him and miss him all my days, but I am thankful and at peace. The Lord gifted us many decades in which to love each other and live our together life. We both were blessed–and we knew it.

More and more as the years flew by, we understood how the Lord watched over us and our family. We could see how He supplied strength for each day, in our best of times, sure, but also when we hit a rough patch.

We each could echo the words of my favorite grandmother, whom I saw last when she was 99:

"God has been so good to me. He never left me alone for a minute!"

Reasons we can love and live in trust

[Jesus said] A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:34-35

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God is good, my friends. Let us rejoice and be glad in Valentine's Day–and every day!

Lovingly,

Lenore

My Forever Valentine

February 13, 2020
Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.

Here's what I wish I had said to her.

For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.

The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.

Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other.

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

The typical male does not share that perception.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

Even with our husband or wife.

Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

"We," not "I"

"Us," not "me"

"Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.

Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood the test of time.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore
What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?

November 27, 2019
February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic–isn't that part of being female?–so I fantasize.

Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up.

Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

Years of living together taught me a greater truth

My perspective changed. Now I know:

Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."

Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."

Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."

Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."

Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning.

Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.

Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.

Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.

Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.

And vice versa.

I've learned–sometimes the hard way–that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.

Let's rejoice in what is

Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love–and ourselves.

Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties!

An anytime checklist

Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

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There’s more to love than hearts and flowers and all the rest

February 1, 2017
Another Thanksgiving Day is upon us, a day to count our blessings and thank the Giver.

Yet the news is filled with terrorist acts. We're more likely to be counting our reasons to feel anxious than reasons to celebrate what's good.

As always, it's all about our perspective.

Picture that first Thanksgiving in 1621. Late the previous autumn the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, MA, with 102 people. Now only 50 adults remained alive. The original group included 18 adult women, but only four lived to see that first Thanksgiving.

Yet those survivors set aside a day to give thanks to God.

It's the same today as at that first Thanksgiving. Having a thankful heart has nothing to do with abundance. Or with everything going just right in our lives.

The Pilgrims knew the real "why" for giving thanks and we can, too.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
For His lovingkindness is everlasting. –Psalm 118:29 (NASB)

Gratitude flows from remembering the Giver

Here's a new twist on how to keep track of our blessings.

I heard an interview with a man who works with recovering alcoholics and their families. He passed on one practice that has worked well with his clients. It can benefit you and me, too.

It's a simple process: Keep gratitude lists for our lives.

Keep one for each family member, one for work, one for school, etc. Use regular paper or sticky notes.

Look for things to be thankful for in each person and in each situation

Add to our list(s) whenever we notice something more

Reread our lists (or notes) frequently

Notice how our awareness and sense of gratitude grows

The counselor said even troubled people in hard circumstances found their point-of-view changed. Although everything in their lives might stay the same, these individuals became happier and more contented.

He said writing down how we're blessed is effective it helps us learn that rich or poor, married or single, our happiness is our own responsibility.

Using sticky notes to affirm others

We can help each other along by being encouragers. Sometimes we find it easier to compliment "outsiders" than our own family members.

No flowery speeches needed. Just a few words on a sticky note can break down barriers:

"Thanks for making your bed."

"I'm so glad I'm married to you!"

"Thanks for letting your brother go first."

"Great report card!"

You get the picture.

Taking it one step further

Another speaker suggested sticky notes can help break bad habits and form new ones. She wrote reminders to herself and placed them around the house. Like "Remember your diet!" on her stash of chocolates.

Because she wanted to start being a more positive person, she wrote, "Smile!" on sticky notes. She stuck the little reminders on her bathroom mirror, on her computer screen, over the stove, in her car, etc.

Later she began writing favorite Bible passages on pieces of paper and Scotch-taping them around the house, every day a new one. She found it made a dramatic difference in her perspective on life.

I've done that, too, in a sort of disorganized fashion. Here are some of my favorite reassuring verses:

The joy of the LORD is your strength. –Nehemiah 8:10

As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed. He remembers that we are dust.                                                                                          —Psalm 103 :13-14

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.                                                                                          –Psalm 46:1-2

The reason for thanks is because God is good

So good He offers us salvation through Jesus Christ:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16

Happy Thanks-giving–every day!

By the way, I give thanks for each of you who stop by for a visit now and then. Truly, I do.

Love,

Lenore
How sticky notes can raise your happiness level

November 24, 2015
Isn't it easy to look at someone else's life and think they have it easy?

You've heard that old saying, "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

Here's what never gets said, "Yes, but you still have to mow it."

I confess. Early on, I spent a lot of time looking around at other people's lives and thinking, "If only … ."

Maybe you're familiar with that swamp, the one filled with, "If only my life were easier. If only I were a better _____ ." Etc.

I could have filled in that blank with at least a dozen ways in which either my life or I could be "better." After awhile I got older and smarter and recognized the obvious. No one lives an "easy" life and no one is perfect. Every one of us deals with stresses and problems and difficulties in relationships.

Some people think daydreaming is harmless and costs nothing. Not true. While we have our heads in the clouds we miss out on the day and the life we actually inhabit.

It's good to stop and now and then and take stock. Try making a list of what's good in your life. Oh, and forget "perfect." Concentrate instead on what's "good."

I discovered it helped to pretend I was someone else, a reporter, perhaps. What would I write about the woman in the mirror and the life she lived?

I used that list as a starting point for giving thanks to the Giver every day or so. By the time I worked my way through that list I'd be adding to it.

You can guess what happened, can't you? That little exercise became a habit, a way of thinking about my life. Each time I read it and thanked God for these blessings, I felt more blessed.

Before long when I realized I was happy. I liked myself better, too.

Did anything change about my life? Nope. Only my perception. And that made all the difference.

Like so many others before me, I learned the truth of Proverbs 23:7, as translated in the King James or Revised Standard Version. Here it is, slightly paraphrased.

As a [woman] thinks in [her] heart, so is [she.]

So, dear reader, here's my challenge for you: Try it for yourself. Then share your findings with the rest of us by using the comments form below.

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Looking for happiness? Take a fresh look around

May 26, 2010