I know, it sounds too simple, but then, most principles of life boil down to simple, don’t they?
It took me way too long to understand that sticking to these three attitudes toward life can eliminate much of what we call “stress”.
Here’s what I came up with for now.
1. Get real.
2. Get focused.
3. Get thankful.
Curious? Read on.
Get real. We ought not expect the people around us to be on our wave length. They’re individuals, remember?
So are the people we’re closest to. So it shouldn’t surprise us if they don’t immediately grasp the meaning of what we say to them. And vice versa. This explains why any two people so often talk past each other.
I well remember the first time I gave my husband one of those “poor little me” remarks, thinking my groom would understand and see my point. Instead, he replied, “Honey, you’re only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn’t. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?”
Once I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he wasn’t wired that way.
A small bit of common sense reminds us that flowery gestures come cheap–and can be empty. A good marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. So does any close relationship or friendship.
Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. That’s harder to do in the face of social media and because we stare at screens so much of the time.
It’s time we engrave this on the hard drive of our minds:
Except for live interviews and action shots, everything we see on TV or on Facebook, Instagram, and the like has been carefully staged.
(Think about it. Would you post a photo or video depicting your family and yourself in the midst of a bad day?)
Nevertheless, distractions like TV shows and social media can be enticing traps. We look at what’s onscreen and then contemplate our “imperfect” lives and get depressed.
We get depressed because we forget that we see only what they want us to see.
2. Get focused
Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph–and pick up–messages by what we focus on.
I saw that play out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck. He carried her out and both were grinning from ear to ear.
Tables around them held other couples and families, everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody smiled and nobody talked to anybody, at least not to any live person sitting at the same table. When they finished eating they simply got up and walked out, still focused on their electronic gadgets. I doubt I could have counted five smiles among that group.
The contrast pained my heart. The daddy and daughter deepened their relationship and enhanced their family’s strength and love. The others, the ones who hardly spoke to each other, satisfied their hunger and their curiosity of the moment. Nothing more.
I’ll not forget that day because it felt as if I were observing a case study in the ways people interact with others. Or lack of same.
That lunchtime drove home an important truth for me: What and whom we focus on plays a huge part in our moods and how we view our lives.
3. Get thankful
For some of us progress may be slow, but to simply be thankful can become a habit. I truly believe that.
I’ve been working for years to learn the art of tuning my awareness toward the good rather than getting hung up on what I perceive as life’s insufficiencies or annoyances. I don’t have it nailed yet, but I’ve made progress. I see the difference in my moods and outlook on life.
I know now how much it lifts my mood all day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.
At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking the Giver and naming the good, ending with a simple, “Thank you, Lord.” Then I commit to God’s loving care the people I’m concerned about and whatever troubles me. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.
As always, the Bible shows us how:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6
Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.1 Peter 5:7
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Philippians 4:8
That last verse from Philippians spells out the best and most stable places to park our thoughts.
Once we learn to fix our thoughts on what is real and what is right in our lives and in the people we love, living more happily naturally follows. Instead of scowling and complaining about what’s wrong with the world, we can fasten on God’s goodness in the midst of it all–and smile.
(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)
We still hear the critical voices of our parents or teachers or the taunts of childhood friends. In times of clear thinking we remind ourselves that’s pointless, but old hurts and doubts still surface and hang around.
Oh sure, we know no one had a perfect childhood. But here we are, still dragging around wrong messages from the past. Why is that?
How can we lighten that load or put it down for good?
Begin by recognizing painful words for what they are
This story is about our friend “Tim,” but it could just as well be about “Tina”.
Tim grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Especially his children. When the kids came home excited because they got good grades or because they had come out on top, Pops would laugh and ask, “Oh, getting the big head, are we?
Every. Single. Time.
The boy became the teenager became the adult. Everyone who knew him considered Tim a success story.
That is, everyone but Tim.
Whenever things went his way at work or his wife told him she was proud of him, Tim still heard his father’s voice taunting him with the same hurtful question.
He felt hopeless and asked himself, would he–could he–ever be free?
Then Tim and his buddy joined the men’s group from church
They quickly felt comfortable and liked the informal discussion of how the Bible still applies to living today. Then came a snack, plus lots of time to just talk–and really connect. Tim slowly felt himself relax.
One week their assignment was to do a self-assessment which they could share or not, no pressure.
They only had to think through one question:
Who am I now? Today?
Letting go of the past
As he thought about his life Tim saw how all his life he worked hard to prove himself–to his dad, he finally understood.
Now he had a good job and he got along well with his co-workers.
Best of all, he and his wife were strong together. The hard times they struggled through taught them they could rely on each other. I love her more today than when I married her. Thank you, Lord!
He thought of their family and smiled. They’re good kids, they’re healthy and they’re doing okay in school. I need to tell them a lot more often that I love them and I’m proud of them.
The question of the week no longer intimidated him.
When his eyes dropped to the Bible verse of the week, 2 Corinthians 12:9, God’s words to the Apostle Paul. Tim felt it could have been written just for him.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”2 Corinthians 12:9
Seeing clearly at last
Next time the men’s group gathered, Tim couldn’t wait to share the new understanding he gained of his father:
“For perhaps the first time, I saw my dad with clear eyes. Back then he was a walking disaster. Constantly putting all of us down made him feel better about his own messed-up life.
“Once I understood that, I could let it go. Now when I hear Dad’s critical voice in my head I answer it with today’s truth, which is that I like my life and what I’ve become. I know it’s God’s blessing and from now on I want to live out last week’s Bible verse:”
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” Isaiah 43:18-19
Enduring truths
Long ago I found a quote which brought me up short. Way back in history, Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D., summed it up this way:
“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters.”
These words can be a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life. Whether we realize it or not, we have within us the power to control how we think about what comes into our lives. Whether we’re troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, when we change our thinking, we can change our lives.
A lot of people spend a lot of time wondering about the "If Onlys" of life:
If only I could meet the right person and fall in love, then all my dreams would come true …
If only we had better communication then our relationship would be perfect …
If only we had a baby then our marriage would be stronger …
If only we earned more money …
If only we had a bigger/newer/nicer house in a better neighborhood, then life would be perfect …
If only our children were through school and had good jobs and were married to the right people then I could stop worrying about them …
If only I had the body I used to have …
If only growing older weren't so scary …
If only … then …
If only …
If …
There's a term for that: "Mythical thinking"
That's how some mental health professionals label it. Mythical thinking keeps us dreaming of a place where everyone and everything is–or could be–perfect.
Here's the problem. When we spend too much time daydreaming about Make Believe Land it's as if we put on blinders that shut out the sweet reality of our lives:
The beauty all around us, God's intricate creation.
The small, kind gestures of people in our lives. (Like the stranger who held open the heavy door when we were balancing shopping bags.)
The fun of watching our children grow into themselves, little by little over the years.
You and I weren't born wearing blinders
We pick them and put them on all by ourselves.
It can start with spending too much time reading other people's posts on the Internet, the ones that show their "perfect lives."
In the blink of an eye, joy flies out the window.
The thought and energy we invest on what could be/should be better takes us out of the day we're living. We risk becoming what I heard described years ago as, "Living a life fenced in on all four sides by the perpendicular pronoun, 'I.'"
That can blind us to God's daily blessings to us, large and small. We miss out on the joy of them and likely won't even think to say, "Thank you, Lord."
When we fixate on ourselves and our lives we miss a lot. We forget to encourage people around us with smiles and a few good words, such as: "Thanks!" "Good for you!" "I'm so proud of you!"
Some of us are thinking, Yes, but this is me and I don't know how to change. What am I supposed to do about that?
First comes being willing to be willing to change. With choosing to live in the now and to love in the now.
How do I start?
We always choose the outlook we put on. What God said to the Israelites applies to us, too:
I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. Deuteronomy 30:19
Any time at all we can ask for help from the One who never takes His loving eyes off us:
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1
Any time our past failings threaten to overwhelm us, the One who makes all things new is waiting:
If anyone is in Christ he (or she) is a new creation; the old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17
What does it mean to be "in Christ?"
There's no big list of requirements here. When we trust in Jesus Christ as our Savior and aim to live by that faith, we are "in Christ."
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. John 3:16-17
That's the starting place and the ending place.
So how can one be happy, whatever comes?
Choose life! Choose to be alive in the moment and to see all the ways God has been–and is–blessing you.
Choose to be in Christ and know true inner peace. Nothing and no one else can bring deep-down joy that fills in your empty places.
This is not me, preaching to you. This is me sharing what countless millions of us over the centuries know to be true.
What do you need to give you a brighter outlook on life?
That's not a trick question, just something to consider. The answer may be closer than you think.
Sometimes we need eyes to see, said she who often failed to do that.
What did that lead to? Mostly a feeling of powerlessness. I let anything from a gray day to someone else's bad mood "make" me feel angry or turn my day sour.
Or when my sweet husband and I were on different tracks I might say, "You just don't understand me."
When our lovely but noisy children were being themselves too often I thought and sometimes said (yelled?) to them, "You're driving me crazy!"
Oh sure, I apologized. Profusely. Love covered over the moment and peace reigned again.
All the while I wished I had clamped my lips shut tight because my words caused pain in those I loved.
A random two-line quote opened my eyes
I don't know the source, but these simple words startled my thinking and spoke to my heart:
Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw the mud. The other saw stars.
At first I read that as a writer and thought, What eloquent writing! So much wisdom in so few words.
Before long the deeper meaning hit me in the gut. Every one of us, whatever our age or life situation, constantly makes choices. We–and we alone–decide that something or someone lifts us up or drags us down.
Turning that truth over in my mind made me cringe–and then pray. At long last (and about time!) I faced the fact: No one else makes me feel anything. Then and now my words and my moods are a do-it-yourself job.
What's more, whenever I tell myself that a situation or the words of another person "make" me mad, sad or depressed I surrender control over my emotions.
You might say that I put myself behind bars.
Can it be that simple?
Certainly it varies from person to person, but one thing is true for all of us:
Where we look and what we think colors every facet of our lives
Whether we see the best in life or the worst in life–and people–stems from where we fasten our attention and how we frame our thoughts. For example, do we believe (and say) that our marriage relationship is strong? Do we think (and say) that we have "good kids?" Do we customarily think that others treat us kindly?
Everything hinges on what we choose to see and how we choose to think. Will it be stars or mud?
Don't forget the sound track in your mind
We all have one and it plays continuously. Pay attention and be on the alert for echoes like these:
Why doesn't he … ?
Why won't she … ?
Why must he always … ?
Will she ever get it through her head that …
Take it from me, if that plays in our mind for long it spawns thoughts like these:
If he loved me he would …
If she cared she wouldn't …
He knows that drives me crazy!
She did that on purpose, like she always does …
This attitude spreads to how we view our jobs, our bosses and co-workers, our neighbors, our child's teachers and everyone else.
My grandmother would have said,
"You're thinking yourself into a tizzy. Thoughts like that never lead to anything good."
Fine, but how do we make a new start?
Just resolving to do so won't change us because our usual ways of thinking are as comfortable as an old pair of slippers.
In effect, we need to "rewrite our software," that is, lay down new habits and hardest of all, stick with them.
The place to start is with the Manufacturer's Handbook, the Bible. (If it's new to you, start with one of the Gospels, the first four books of the New Testament.) Reading the Bible and talking to God in prayer helps us grow strong from within and implants new background music in our minds.
Any time is a good time to open up with God in prayer, no special script required. It's just being honest with him about what's in your heart. Some people prefer a set time of day while many of us carry on a running conversation throughout the day.
Always, God hears us. Why? Because Jesus came to earth and set us right with God.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV
Day to day
When we're changed from the inside out the way we talk and relate to the people in our lives changes, too. We naturally start looking for strengths instead of reasons to complain and our outlook on life gets sunnier.
Here's a Bible verse that lays it out plainly:
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.Philippians 4:8 NIV
One thing we know for sure: We find what we look for.
Let's make this the time in our lives when we latch onto more reasons to smile and be thankful for the life we are living.
If we conducted a poll it's a safe bet that a lot of people, all ages, believe the more money a person has, the happier they will be.
Hmm. If that were true, wouldn't all the "rich and famous" folks have perfect marriages and happy, well-adjusted children?
Every day the news reports give examples of how that is far from the truth.
Some counselors say it helps us keep on track to to ask ourselves every so often, "What do I value most? And how about my children?"
As always, it comes down to perspective
I couldn't help hearing parts of the conversation of two men in a waiting area. I still remember the main points of what they said. It went something like this.
They seemed comfortable with each other, one older man and one much younger. The younger man said, "Silvie and I met when we were full-time college students and working part-time jobs. She got her diploma a year ago and found a job that pays well, which was a godsend.
"When our daughter was born it seemed best for me to be a stay-at-home dad for awhile–and I'm loving it.
"Now I'm taking the rest of my college classes at night and online, so it will take me longer to get my degree. If you said we're broke you'd be right, but we're happy."
The older man laughed and said, "Hey, that's the way it's supposed to be when you're starting out, Kyle. How did you get so wise?"
Father knows best
Kyle took time to think, then said, "Well, a long time ago my dad gave me advice he guaranteed would help make for a happy marriage.
"He said my wife and I should always make sure we could get by on one income. That way if one of us couldn't work, we'd still have enough. Ellie and I talked about that and she said 'Okay, let's try it.'
"So that's what we're doing. We don't have a huge flat-screen TV, just the one my folks passed on when they upgraded to a bigger set. Our furniture is from Goodwill and hand-me-downs. We drive an old clunker and our cell phones are dinosaurs.
"But you know what? Neither of us would trade places with anybody. We're paying our bills and putting a few dollars into savings every month. We're working our plan and we're doing what matters to us. Our love is strong and we have each other and now, our healthy daughter too. Life is good."
As they got up to leave I heard the older man say, "You probably already know that your dad was a very wise man, my friend. And good for you, you know you are blessed. Not everyone does. "
Some of us can identify with that young dad
My husband and I married when we were very young and crazy in love. We were so happy to be together that nothing else mattered. For years we lived pretty much a no-frills lifestyle. I wouldn't say we "lived on love," but money was tight.
Who cared? We were together and life was good.
In those years we discovered what's been proven true over and over: Riches have nothing to do with money.
Earlier generations understood that
When I was a kid money was always tight, so my parents became experts in stretching it. I don't remember them complaining much. Nor do I recall them ever quoting wise words on being content, other than in family devotions. Then we might talk about Bible verses like 1 Timothy 6:8:
And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.NKJV
I didn't realize it then but Mom and Dad lived that verse most of the time. Their attitude seemed to be: "This the life God has given us, so let's make the most of it."
And they did, in simple ways. For example, one constant in my childhood was that no matter how often we moved, my dad planted seeds of blue morning glories in each yard. They twined gloriously up the clothesline poles. We always had all kinds of flowers along the yard fence, too.
My parents trusted God to provide and He did.
I wish I could say that I never complained, but I did, especially as a teenage girl. I wanted what "everyone else" had, knowing all the while that would never happen.
When I look back I know we were rich in what matters most
We kids knew for sure was that our mom and dad loved each other and they loved us–even though they seldom said the words. (Neither did any other parents of that era.)
We might not like what they said but we never doubted they were speaking truth, either to us or to others.
We never wondered whether one parent or the other would walk out on us.
As always, how we think makes all the difference
By now I've learned that life gets even better when we know we're blessed and remember to thank the Giver.
Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.Psalm 118:1
With that firmly fixed in our minds, life will be good, no matter what our circumstances.
Always, true wealth is a matter of the heart. We just need to remind ourselves often of that truth–and be at peace.
Thanks be that God, the Giver of all things, has patience with his often-forgetful children. Like me.
Perhaps the better question is, "How are you treating life?"
That is, what label do we paste on our days?
We seldom realize that's what we're doing, but it's true–and it becomes a habit.
A bad habit, because it gets easier and easier to fixate on what's "wrong" and subsequently miss what's right. (Or am I the only one who ever does that?)
This colors how we look at everything, maybe most of all, the people in our lives.
Finding fault and complaining starts early. Think how siblings squabble and wail, "It's my turn."
Nobody has to teach kids that annoying practice. Isn't it odd how that kind of attitude seems to lurk within each of us?
The angst of the younger generation ramps up in the teenage years, with endless complaints to parents: "You always …" or "You never … "
During those years children and teens could not fathom the internal struggles a mother or father feels. All along they live with uncertainty, nobody ever certain they are "doing it right."
Labeling saves time
Think about it. Once we label a person we don't have to think. We just plug in what we always "knew" about them–or thought we did.
Those old impressions lodge in our minds and too often we won't let go. It's more comfortable to hang onto old thinking than to take a fresh look. At ourselves.
This same pitfall dogs married couples. The person we fell in love with and married turns out to have a few faults. Yet that's the one who stays and keeps on loving us through all the highs and lows, the good times and the hard times–which happen to everyone, by the way.
Even those we judge to "have it all together."
Cause for celebration
If we're honest, at times any one of us is not that easy to live with–even in a strong marriage. True?
But do we celebrate? Nope. More often we nag and nit-pick about small habits that bug us. We whine that we don't feel appreciated for who we are and how much we give and we are the ones who deserve to be celebrated.
(How do I know this? Do you need to ask?)
We may exhibit selective sight with our adult children, as well. We focus on all the ways they need to change but remain blind to their strengths and good points. As for praise, forget about it, because we know they could do better.
Often our Inner Critic carries that over into all of life
We pick out things we wish were different and easily ignore what's good. We look "over there" for happiness and forget to look at what and who is right there in front of us.
Most of all we forget to look within ourselves.
Too often I would have to plead guilty. How about you?
But hey, old habits are hard to break. Right?
Time for a change
I've never forgotten one sermon that jolted me out of that rut.
Our pastor had the ushers hand out index cards and told us that he had found a short formula to be helpful in his life because it opened the eyes of his heart. That Sunday he decided to pass it on to us.
He suggested an experiment. Starting that day each of us was to promise ourselves to make this our personal practice. No questions would be asked. No reports of progress or lack thereof. This was to be personal.
His "formula" stuck in my memory because it's uncomplicated and short. I wrote it on an index card and taped it to my bathroom mirror as a reminder.
Did it bless my life? Yes it did, although I confess sometimes I slipped up often and some days didn't remember to try.
Here's the simple formula:
1. Leave the past at the cross of Jesus Christ, once and for all.
2. See the good.
3. Speak the good.
4. Ask God to develop this attitude within me.
U-turn required
Whatever the date and time or stage of life we're in right now, it's worth giving it a fair trial, don't you think?
According to the news and the "experts" it sounds as if everything is up for grabs. Some of us feel we're floundering and just hanging on from day to day.
This simple formula sorts out what matters most in making a good life. It reveals the emptiness of the flotsam we're flooded with every day, on every side. It reminds us to stay on track by fixing our attention on what we as individuals can control.
This list serves us in the same way a level serves a carpenter: It helps us stay balanced, today and in the future.
You and I cannot change the world, but we change our world
Living by that pastor's formula takes us a long way toward that goal.
For specifics, many people hold up the Proverbs 31 woman as an example of how we should live. I believe most of those principles apply to both sexes in a general way.
If the criteria in that chapter sound too daunting, focus on verse 26 for starters.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Doesn't that make a worthy checklist for both women and men?
It's not hard to see how speaking kindness and appreciation would add life and light to our lives–and the lives of our spouse, our children and the people around us. This is doable for any of us.
Whatever our age or life situation, one truth applies to every one of us:
What can we do to build a closer marriage relationship and/or to rear strong kids?
Here's a hint: Don't fall into the trap of dragging the past into today.
How do we do that? Play this conversation in your mind:
She: "You never listen to me when I talk to you!"
He: "That's because you're always ragging on me over some little thing that doesn't matter."
She: "There you go again, putting me down. You always do that."
He: "Well, I can never do anything right, so what else would you expect?"
Etc.
Can you spot the pattern of these remarks?
These two seem more interested in pointing fingers of blame than in understanding each other.
Parents often copy that pattern with their kids, too
Last time Brody brought home a grade of D and his mom gave him a long lecture on paying attention and trying hard.
So he gritted his teeth and worked really hard. This time he earned a C+ and he's feeling good. He wears a big grin as he holds it out for Mom to see.
She frowns and says, "Oh, Brody, I know you could do better. You could get an A if you weren't always staring off into space or glued to your phone. But that's the way you always are. You never try as hard as you can. Never. About anything."
If there's a mom (or dad) out there who has not once said anything like this to one of your children, hats off to you. The rest of us know how easily such hurtful barbs slip out.
It's as if our mouths start moving before our brains kick in.
Blacklist those two words
"Always" and "never" drag in all the leftover hurt from other times and other conversations. Old anger clamors to be replayed and drowns out any motivation to reach understanding.
Either of these two words–or their cousins–shuts down the other person's heart.
Just for now, let's suppose we're the one who started dropping always and neverinto the exchange. What could our spouse or our child feel except dumped on and hopeless? The natural human response would be, "What's the use? Why bother to try?"
Understanding flies away and only hurt hangs around, even if it goes underground. Mending the broken places can take a long time. If ever.
Think of these two words as the sure sabotage of a good marriage and close relationships with our children, whatever their ages.
What to do?
The first thing is to see ourselves clearly and honestly. Looking with new eyes may shock us, perhaps even make us a bit weepy.
There's a blessing in that. It reminds us that nobody's perfect, not even us.
Next we need to step into the perspective of the one on the receiving end. How do our words and deeds look from there?
Often that's not a comfortable place as other regrets surface and our tears flow.
That's a good sign, however. It hints that we're ready to change and find the better, happier way to live.
As usual, the Apostle Paul spells out the better way, here in Ephesians 4:29:
Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.NLT
And speaking of talking…
More times than I care to confess I've needed to pray these words of Psalm 141:3:
Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. NIV
This is where we start, my friend. Does God really help us change?
Yes! He always hears our prayers and He never gives up on us.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 ESV
That's where we begin, by asking our loving God to wash away the crud of yesterday's mistakes and give us a fresh start.
What if we find ourselves our slipping back into our old habits?
Don't be discouraged. Rather, let's thank God for putting the "want to" in our hearts because it shows we're growing in faith and inner strength.
Is it easy?
Is it easy to let go of what seems "natural" and make a new start, maybe over and over? No, it's not "easy".
We start by believing what the Bible says about it.
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. …Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 5:8; 1 ESV
God loved us "…while we were still sinners … ."
God loves us now, while we still struggle. The old ways that we clung to got in the way of our life and relationships being good–and deep down, we knew it. What's called for at any point in this growth journey is a humble heart and the willingness to begin again.
If/when we fail how often can we start over? As often as the sun rises in the morning, because our loving God never gives up on us.
And I'm just sayin', that's pretty simple. Always remember that and never forget.
Since nobody can find Mayberry, RFD on a map, why do so many of us long to go there?
Perhaps it's because we ache to live in a place where kindness and goodness look to be a way of life. For everyone. Every day.
We feel as if we know Sheriff Andy and Opie, Aunt Bee and Barney. They're our kind of people.
Or we wish they were.
Who can forget that whistled theme song? If you do a bit of online research you will find that Andy Griffith (Sheriff Andy) had an outsize influence over every episode. It's true that this show portrayed a simpler life, but it was never sappy.
Always, Andy role-modeled a loving, understanding father to his son, Opie. No wonder that many viewers from troubled families found solace in watching this TV show.
Each of us felt warmed by Aunt Bee's tender care. Observers have noted that many young people who watched the show lacked flesh-and-blood positive role models at home. They found them in Mayberry, which always illustrated a weekly dose of peace and stability.
That's been true since The Andy Griffith Show ran in the 1960s. It still is, even now. This show remains so popular it's still running–and may continue into the next generation.
Mayberry, RFD presents life as we wish it were
Oh sure, these Mayberry residents are kinda quirky, some more, some less. You might say they're a lot like you and me.
Still, we can tell these are good people because we watch how they talk to each other and treat each other. They have the usual ordinary problems and conflicts everyone has, but in Mayberry they always resolve them–kindly and with respect. Everyone learns a lesson and they remain friends. Smiling friends.
It's as if someone smoothed off the rough edges of daily life in Mayberry.
If we kept a list, it could include qualities like these:
Family strength and love
Mutual respect and fairness
Kindness
Faithfulness
Gentleness
Honesty
Integrity
Faith in God
Does this list remind you of anything?
The Apostle Paul detailed the qualities that grow within us when Jesus lives in our hearts and the Holy Spirit increases our faith.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23
That's what we see on display in The Andy Griffith Show and in residents of Mayberry, RFD, a glimpse into an imaginary place where these fruits of the Spirit shine through, in various situations and in all kinds of people.
Credit Andy Griffith's influence again. When Griffith died in 2012, his widow told CBN, "Andy was a person of incredibly strong Christian faith and was prepared for the day he would be called Home to his Lord."
How do we bring Mayberry into our lives?
Sorry, y'all, but talking with a Southern drawl won't do it.
It's true that you and I can't change the rest of the world. But we can decide our home will be a haven for our family and friends. A place where each one walks in the door and feels loved. A place where anxious, hurting hearts can find peace in being welcomed and accepted.
Isn't that what we want for ourselves?
This is not the impossible dream. No advance cleanup or home projects needed. We simply start right where we are. We ask Jesus to guide us and to fill our hearts and our home with love. Then we deliberately live out those Christian qualities we see acted out in Mayberry, RFD.
This probably won't feel natural for a lot of us. Smile and remember the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it," then keep going until it does.
And be patient, because a crop of kindness takes awhile to grow. Take it little by little, and with good humor. Laughs always lighten the atmosphere, especially when we're quick to laugh at our own mistakes and failures. (That makes it more likely our children will pick up that quality, too, rather than fall apart when they're not perfect.)
If we stick with it, life in our home will change and our kids won't have to look elsewhere to find grownups to emulate.
Are you ready to try it?
Picture in your mind the kind of atmosphere you want in your home, as detailed as you want to make it. Write it down if you like, then use that as a checklist. This won't be an overnight change, so keep your patience charger at the ready.
Start with this:
Pray.
Forget past failures and lock in on what's ahead, then go for it.
Attitude counts most. Look for the best in people, expect the best of people–and forgive them when they mess up. (Your children will notice and naturally take on some of that themselves.)
Let go of tracking who's wrong and who's right. That takes too much time and effort–and winning almost always is a hollow victory. Use that energy to celebrate the wins.
Forgive yourself–and your family–on those days when nothing goes right.
Pray. Constantly.
Remember, you're not in this alone
Whatever challenges we face, every believer can say with the Apostle Paul:
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.Philippians 4:13
Sorry, Andy Griffith and Aunt Bee won't move in down the street, but if you make small changes in yourself and how you relate to others, you will notice changes in how your life goes. So will your family and friends.
One ordinary day you'll look around and notice something new. As you look around your own small world you see some of the positive qualities you appreciate in what's portrayed by characters who live in Mayberry, RFD.
There's another bonus most of us haven't thought of. You will find what many others have discovered: You don't have to move in order to live in a new, happier place.
Are you "happy" or "moody"? Are you an ACTor or a REACTor?
That is, do you set the tone for your life or do you react to the situation?
If that's a bit unclear, listen to what a friend said about his late father.
"I still miss Dad and his everlasting smile. We boys would watch him drag home from the bus stop. We could see in his walk how tired he was after a long day at the factory. Then every single time, when he spotted us kids watching, he immediately would straighten up and wave.
"Then he would almost run toward home, grinning all the way. He'd drop his lunch pail and grab us in a big bear hug and ask, 'Anybody wanna play catch?'
"Years later my mom said he once told her he made a conscious decision to always live in a place of joy. Then he told her why.
"His father always seemed to be depressed or angry and brooding and he'd go off to his room and slam the door, leaving his boy waiting and sad. Mom said way back then my dad decided he would never be like that and he would always be happy, no matter what happened.
"Dad also made up his mind if he ever had kids he would make sure they knew he loved them and he would always, always make time to listen. I can tell you for sure, that's how he lived, right up to the end."
Could it really be that simple?
Is our mindset mostly a matter of will?
For a surprising number of us, the answer is yes, according to most researchers and counselors. Clinical depression or mental illness are a different story, of course, and also PTSD. Please know, I don't mean to disparage any of those diagnoses.
For the majority of us, however, it comes down to making up our minds over and over, every day, that we choose to be optimistic.
That's not comforting, I know, because earlier in life sometimes I–for no particular reason–felt "down," or in a bad mood. Poor me, I guess it's just my temperament, I thought.
Why think that? Because I wanted to blame something–or someone–for my bad moods.
Sorry to say it took awhile before I came to understand how that excuse allowed me to avoid facing the truth, that I needed to choose to be happy.
Who wants to live like that?
Who wants to live with that?
Little choices make our lives
Life is hard–all the time for some and some of the time for all of us. That makes it always easier to be down than up.
Even so, we possess the power within us to choose how we will look at our world. That means being watchful, too. For example, watching news and opinion shows all day, every day–from any of the media–more likely arouses fear and despair than to calm and gladden us.
If life disappoints us, we can hang onto the pain and view everything and every person through dark glasses. OR we can count up what's going right and be glad.
When someone treats us badly we can nurse the hurt and feel it grow. OR we can forgive and let it go.
A legend attributed to the Cherokee illustrates the point
The tale goes something like this: A grandfather is telling his grandson about life. "Within each of us," he says, "there's a fight going on, a fight between good and evil. It's like two wolves fighting–and the fight never ends."
"Which one will win, Grandfather?"
"The one you feed," answers the older man. "The one you feed."
Which side will win within us?
That depends on what we feed our minds and hearts. If we want the good to win–peace, love, hope, kindness, faith, thankfulness–we need to "put the good stuff in."
This takes effort, but it's so worth it.
What's easy is to give in to disappointment and hurts and negative emotions and feel sorry for ourselves.
Let us choose the challenging way to live–and be glad all our days that we did.
My friend remembers his father with such love and joy because his dad consistently chose to smile and love and spend time with his kids, even when he ached to sit down.
Here's some Good Stuff to nurture your spirit
Living happy means knowing where to find what nourishes our hearts and minds. I can't think of anything more helpful than having some favorite Bible verses and heart-lifting quotes on which to focus. Some of us find visual reminders helpful. Just write some on sticky notes and keep them where you'll see them often. Then repeat them aloud to yourself.
There is no one perfect way to do this. Each of us will find our own times for reading the Bible and talking to God about our needs and our joys. (If instead, we talk to God so often it's like breathing, that's great.)
For starters, here are four of my favorite Bible verses:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
[Jesus said] "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17
[Jesus said]"I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." John 5:24
Know Jesus and know joy
Don't look for magic cures that whisk away every care.
When we have His peace in our hearts, outwardly it may appear nothing changes about our lives. Not true, because our entire perspective on life changes.
Too many of us think some people are born happy and some aren't
These folks think if you're a Grumpy Gus or a Gloomy Grace, well, that's that.
Sorry, that excuse doesn't work any more. Like so many other things we "knew," this one turns out not to be true.
This will sound too simple, I know, but studies show that all we have to do is start smiling.
Over the years several teams of researchers–at University of California-Berkeley, at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a group of psychiatrists in Australia–have arrived at the same conclusion: Smiling is good for us.
Even when we don't start out in a particularly happy mood. Honest.
First we decide to smile and then form our mouths into a big smile. Researchers concluded just that simple action moves our brain activity "in the direction of spontaneous happiness."
That is to say, it's the act of smiling–with or without the mood to match–that influences our brain chemistry and brings feelings of pleasure and happiness.
There's more: Smiling improves our health
Even if we're having a miserable day and feel as if we're faking it.
Researchers say forming our lips into a smile–often–affects several functions of our mind and body in a positive way, including:
Our sense of well-being and our outlook on life
The strength of our immune system
Our blood pressure
Our self-control
Our ability to withstand stress
Even our balance
Smiling also releases endorphins (natural painkillers) and serotonin (a natural anti-depressant.)
Be sure you "smile right"
Way back in the 19th century a French physician, Dr. Duchenne, found the smile that counts is the kind that crinkles the corners of your eyes, which he labeled, "the authentic smile of happiness."
In 2001, UC-Berkeley researchers studied the expressions of a large number of women. They found half the women really smiled and they were the ones who were the ones who were more successful, more contented with their lives and more likely to be married.
Their study was replicated in 2006 by Australian psychiatrists, who reached the same conclusions. They discovered those who smiled only "a mouth smile," a.k.a., a social smile, may not reap the same health benefits.
What does all this mean for you and for me? Smiling–really smiling–is good for our mood and our minds and also good for our health. That's a lot of benefit for a small (and very achievable) effort.
That means we can learn to be happy
This is freedom, my friends! Not one of us is a "prisoner" of whatever temperament we were born with.
You and I are free to choose to:
Look for the good in people and in every situation
Smile, really smile, often
Read and watch on-screen what buoys us up
Steer clear of individuals who "look for the gloomy side of life"
Spend time with people who stress what's good and positive
Encourage others and get the lift that comes from seeing others smile
Sure, there may be people in our lives that don't exactly specialize in spreading joy. They may even be individuals we love and live with. What then?
Here's a place to start: Let go of the tension of trying to change anyone else. (It's not possible, anyway.)
Each of us is responsible only for our moods.
Laughing fosters health, too
Years ago Norman Cousins wrote a book, "Anatomy of an Illness." He had been diagnosed with a painful auto-immune disorder and doctors did not give him a good prognosis. After weeks in the hospital he finally checked himself out and into a nearby motel. Then he had family and friends bring him funny videos.
Over and over he watched "Abbott & Costello," "Candid Camera" and any number of television and movie comedies. He thought of them as his medicine–and they were. Norman Cousins found that after watching an hour or so of such programs–and laughing frequently–his pain went down and he could sleep.
What's more, Norman Cousins confounded his doctors by getting well.
Later, he lectured at medical schools, telling doctors of his experience and urging them to introduce their patients to humor instead of simply increasing their pain medications.
That wouldn't have surprised the writer of Psalms
You may remember that in Psalm 15:13, he wrote,
"A joyful heart is good medicine …. "
God gave David that truth centuries before Norman Cousins or any research on how smiling affects brain chemistry.
No surprise. Of course our Creator knew from the beginning that a joyful heart–and smiling–lifts our mood and improves our outlook on life.
A joyful heart naturally makes for happier relationships. Whatever our age. Whether married or single.
The Apostle Paul spelled it out for us
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8 ESV
Think about these things–and let the rest of it go.
The message is clear: No matter what mood we wake up in let's decide to smile.
Instead of being so quick to nitpick and pounce on what's wrong, let's look for what's good in our everyday lives. Let's learn to laugh at small things–and especially at ourselves.
Besides, who wouldn't rather have laugh lines than frown lines?
