Category: Marriage

No doubt you’ve noticed that a lot of people are rather cynical about love and romance and marriage.

Can love last over the years? Yes!

An overheard conversation between two women probably nails at least part of the reason why. The younger one said (too loudly to miss): “I know so many couples who have split up, I wonder if it’s even possible to stay married, much less to stay in love and be happy.”

Oh, how I wanted to break in on that conversation! If I had, I would have said, “Yes it is possible! I know it is!”

I would have shared what my husband and I learned over many decades of a strong and happy marriage.

ONE: Commit to your marriage relationship instead of to keeping track of who-gave-the-most-today

How does one do that? By deciding every day that you love and value the one you married–and saying so–often.

Like any living thing, your marriage relationship needs regular feeding and watering if it’s to grow strong and healthy–and stay that way.

Make–and keep–each other and your marriage your top priority.

That sounds too pie-in-the-sky, doesn’t It?

What about our jobs? And our kids? If we don’t work we don’t eat! Besides, who has time and energy for “staying connected”?

A friend cherishes the memory of how his parents managed it. Money was tight, so they found the most economical way to be sure their two boys were well cared for. The husband worked days, leaving early in the morning, and the wife worked the swing shift, usually until 11 pm.

“Johnny’s” small bedroom was off the kitchen and his door wouldn’t close tightly . He saw how every night his dad dozed on the couch or in a recliner until just before 11 pm. Then he would get up, put the coffeepot on and get out a snack. When his mom arrived home, tired from her shift as a nurse, the two would hug each other for a long time, then sit around the kitchen table sipping coffee and listening as each one recounted their day.

Johnny loved hearing the murmur of his parents’ voices. The times he peeked out, they would be sitting close, maybe holding hands.

Good times or bad times, Johnny and his brother knew one thing for sure: Their parents loved each other–and them–so they felt secure.

What if you hit a dry spell and wonder where the “magic” went?

It helps to stop dwelling on “what went wrong”. Deliberately turn your thoughts away and go back in your memory to when the two of you were dating and the emotions you felt. Even if they’ve been buried under the minutia of daily living, that doesn’t mean they died. Some wise person said, “Act the way you want to feel and soon you’ll feel the way you act,” and it’s still true.

Forget the idea of keeping score on who gave most or who kept up their end of the job list. Seven days a week each one gives and takes and adjusts, always knowing the balance will keep changing–depending on the needs of the moment.

Decide to put the good stuff in to your marriage. Leftover scraps of time and energy may keep your relationship alive, but is that all you want?

Be at least as watchful of what you feed your marriage as of what you feed your dog.

TWO: Talk to each other, keeping it honest and kind

“We don’t communicate” is a frequent complaint, usually from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, “What do you mean? We talk.”)

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around, often independently.

It’s no wonder girls and women naturally seem more comfortable talking and opening up.

Besides, most of us hold back from letting anyone know “the real me” until we feel utterly safe. Even within a good marriage, building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process–and it is easily destroyed.

Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

THREE: Love, first, last and always

Our role model? Jesus. He said, “Love one another as I have loved you,” (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we willingly set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one “wins,” sometimes the other. Both partners know that whatever comes, each one can count on the other and together, they can handle whatever comes up.

When each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

Paul keeps it simple as he counsels us how to live as God’s people, whether married or single:

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    Corinthians 13:4-8a

Nobody’s perfect, but always, we have choices

Married or single, we can choose whom we listen to and whom we consider our role models. Those of us who are Christians tune our hearts to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood over the centuries.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore

What Does It Take To Grow A Strong Marriage?

February 14, 2026
I know, it sounds too simple, but then, most principles of life boil down to simple, don’t they?

It took me way too long to understand that sticking to these three attitudes toward life can eliminate much of what we call “stress”.

Here’s what I came up with for now.

1. Get real.

2. Get focused.

3. Get thankful.

Curious? Read on.

Get real. We ought not expect the people around us to be on our wave length. They’re individuals, remember?

So are the people we’re closest to. So it shouldn’t surprise us if they don’t immediately grasp the meaning of what we say to them. And vice versa. This explains why any two people so often talk past each other.

I well remember the first time I gave my husband one of those “poor little me” remarks, thinking my groom would understand and see my point. Instead, he replied, “Honey, you’re only disappointed because you expected me to do that and I didn’t. But you never asked or even hinted. How was I supposed to know what you wanted?”

Once I got over being annoyed I realized my practical guy was right. Like many women I value spontaneous gestures and like most men, he wasn’t wired that way.

A small bit of common sense reminds us that flowery gestures come cheap–and can be empty. A good marriage thrives on honesty, faithfulness and loving through whatever comes. So does any close relationship or friendship.

Getting real means steering clear of comparisons and if onlys, too. That’s harder to do in the face of social media and because we stare at screens so much of the time.

It’s time we engrave this on the hard drive of our minds:

Except for live interviews and action shots, everything we see on TV or on Facebook, Instagram, and the like has been carefully staged.

(Think about it. Would you post a photo or video depicting your family and yourself in the midst of a bad day?)

Nevertheless, distractions like TV shows and social media can be enticing traps. We look at what’s onscreen and then contemplate our “imperfect” lives and get depressed.

We get depressed because we forget that we see only what they want us to see.

2. Get focused

Whether we realize it or not, we constantly telegraph–and pick up–messages by what we focus on.

I saw that play out at lunchtime one day. At the next table a dad and his little girl, maybe four years old, were having lunch. Throughout their meal Daddy talked with his daughter and she talked back, with lots of smiles and giggles. He picked her up when they finished and she buried her face in his neck. He carried her out and both were grinning from ear to ear.

Tables around them held other couples and families, everyone engrossed in their smart phones or electronic gadgets and grabbing bites. Nobody smiled and nobody talked to anybody, at least not to any live person sitting at the same table. When they finished eating they simply got up and walked out, still focused on their electronic gadgets. I doubt I could have counted five smiles among that group.

The contrast pained my heart. The daddy and daughter deepened their relationship and enhanced their family’s strength and love. The others, the ones who hardly spoke to each other, satisfied their hunger and their curiosity of the moment. Nothing more.

I’ll not forget that day because it felt as if I were observing a case study in the ways people interact with others. Or lack of same.

That lunchtime drove home an important truth for me: What and whom we focus on plays a huge part in our moods and how we view our lives.

3. Get thankful

For some of us progress may be slow, but to simply be thankful can become a habit. I truly believe that.

I’ve been working for years to learn the art of tuning my awareness toward the good rather than getting hung up on what I perceive as life’s insufficiencies or annoyances. I don’t have it nailed yet, but I’ve made progress. I see the difference in my moods and outlook on life.

I know now how much it lifts my mood all day if I start by thanking God for what is and ask His strength and blessing for the day.

At bedtime I wrap up the day by thanking the Giver and naming the good, ending with a simple, “Thank you, Lord.” Then I commit to God’s loving care the people I’m concerned about and whatever troubles me. Most of the time that helps me drift off to sleep with a smile.

As always, the Bible shows us how:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

That last verse from Philippians spells out the best and most stable places to park our thoughts.

Once we learn to fix our thoughts on what is real and what is right in our lives and in the people we love, living more happily naturally follows. Instead of scowling and complaining about what’s wrong with the world, we can fasten on God’s goodness in the midst of it all–and smile.

(Besides, they say smiling helps stave off wrinkles.)

Still learning,

Lenore
Three simple steps to living more happily

November 7, 2025
Have you ever thought that you and your mate are walking adverts?

If you’ve been married awhile and still clearly enjoy being together it’s as if you’re wearing signboards that say, “Staying Married Is Great!”

You probably don’t realize it, but you are a mystery to many. Here you are, real people living out your real life together, with all life’s challenges. And happy!

How does that happen?

I’m no expert, but this “formula” is the best capsule advice I’ve ever heard: One day at a time you decide again to love each other.

Decide even though love is not an always-constant emotion. (Ask any long-married couple.) Rather, it ebbs and flows like the ocean, with high tides and low tides.

Isn’t it tragic that marriages often break up because one spouse bails out at low tide?

What enables a couple to “keep on, keepin’ on”?

For a marriage to endure it takes a willing husband and a willing wife.

Willing to forgive.

Willing to work through the tough stuff of life together.

Willing to keep at it and try again. And again. And again.

When you hit a rough spot there’s no wiser counsel than this:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Everybody has “issues.” Get over it

For toddlers it’s normal to have a mindset of, “I, me and mine”.

That has to go if you want to grow stronger together. What nurtures a marriage is for both partners to think in terms of “you,” “we,” “us,” and “our.”

Within a healthy marriage or family, give-and-take is standard behavior–without keeping score. If one always “wins,” eventually the one who always “loses” gets tired of it. That goes away when we give up picking out faults and make it a habit to look for and praise each other’s strengths.

Can we fail and still be worthy of love? Yes, if we’re willing to leave behind old hurts and regrets and to regard each day as a new beginning.

Confessing faults and asking God for help makes all the difference. As usual, the Bible tells us how to thrive in any relationship:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Just “being there” counts

Day after day you are there. That by itself communicates love and strength. Each time you hit a snag and come through it together your sense of oneness grows stronger.

What’s more, you give your kids a gift beyond price. They will know the balance of having a mom and a dad. Moms provide the, “Oh, be careful! You could get hurt!”

Dads say, “Aw, you’ll be fine. Go for it!”

Children do best when they grow up with that mix of caution and daring.

Together you model to your children that you value your marriage and your family as worth what it takes to keep it all going. You give your kids an example of how to live when they marry.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:11

You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers

Some may be disillusioned and uncertain about marriage because they tried it and ended up divorced. Singles often hesitate to risk marriage because they consider divorce inevitable, so why bother?

Just by being who you are, you’re already equipped to be an encourager.

Let your happiness together show, but don’t gloat. Now and then you may want to share some of your struggles, but don’t stop there.

Something like, “My husband (or wife) and I couldn’t make it if we didn’t know we can lean on the Lord” can be a lifeline to another person or another couple.

Remind yourself often what’s going right in your marriage, your family and your life

Let yourselves rejoice in it. Otherwise you risk getting caught up in everyday ups and downs and losing sight of the fact that you are blessed.

Focus on what is good and right and true and your marriage will grow stronger everyday.

And don’t forget to thank God for your husband or wife and pray that He will bless you with many good years together.

With love,

Lenore

What Makes A Marriage Last?

August 20, 2025
If you polled a cross-section of long-married husbands and wives no doubt you would find several commonalities.

Each love story is unique to each couple, that's a given.

The one I know best started when a handsome young fella came from afar to his cousin's wedding. At the reception which followed he smiled my way a few times and um, got my attention.

When he asked to drive me home–and smiled some more–we found we had a lot in common. Soon, as the oldsters put it, we "had it bad."

We dated long-distance for a couple of years before we married, both of us blissfully unaware of our (by today's standards) "under-developed" brains. We looked around–and looked at each other–and assumed that together, we could handle life.

After all, hadn't generations before us married even younger?

Besides, we had everything we needed

We loved each other and we were married, my husband had work and we had a little money. What more could one ask?

Call us lovestruck and naive and you'd be right. But life was sweet, just being together. Our first child was born a couple of years later and eventually we counted four. As you'd guess, every day brought new opportunities to grow and stretch in our loving.

Did we feel in over our heads? Sure, sometimes, but we managed to deal with what life dished out–and some of it was tough.

Day by day we gained a fuller understanding of what Jesus meant when He said, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

After all, what neighbor could be closer than the one who slept on the other side of the bed each night?

"AS yourself"–the opposite of Me First

There's the rub, isn't it? For everyone. "I, me, mine and what I want" comes as standard equipment in our human nature. If you doubt that, just watch a couple of toddlers in action.

That's part of who we are, which explains why no one has a perfect marriage.

When two human beings pledge their lifelong love to each other they bring their human weaknesses them. Those who become parents, even while loving their kids dearly, inevitably find that time for themselves shrinks.

That stokes one's inner nag to whisper (or shout) "But I want … ." It's tempting to give in to self-pity, but that can ruin a marriage. Instead, concentrate on what's right and preserve your marriage.

So we stretch. We grow–and it's both exciting and exhausting. This makes "celebrate" the perfect word partner for "wedding anniversary."

Could a second promise be just as important?

Thanks be we two dumb kids had enough sense to agree from the beginning that our marriage would be grounded in Christ.

We couldn't have known then how that would play out. How our oneness of faith would cut down on tension and disagreements over this issue or that, especially after we became parents.

Life offered us plenty of opportunities to understand the truth of this favorite wedding text:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.                                                        Ecclesiastes 4:12

We two meant it when we pledged our love for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Like every other bride and groom we couldn't have known in that moment how the strength of our commitment would be tested over the years.

Recently a friend told of attending a wedding where the bride and groom promised to be faithful "as long as we both shall love."

Self-delusion for sure. Anyone who marries with the expectation that love will always be at flood stage is living in La-La Land.

Here's reality. Some days the feeling of love is high and both spouses are all smiles and hugs. Other days one or the other runs on empty and has to remind themselves not to pull away, remembering that moods come and go.

Consider it the perfect time to remember one of the Marriage Encounter foundational principles:

"Love is not just an emotion. Love is an action verb."

Even the strongest marriages sometimes hit a rough patch, often for no particular reason

What helps most is for each one to take an honest look within and (gulp!) face their own lacks and failures. Embrace humility. Not a groveling kind of humility, but rather a mutual acceptance of each other as they are.

Time to remember that no human being is capable of loving perfectly, so what to do? There's good reason Christian wives and husbands cherish Bible promises of forgiveness in Christ, such as Ephesians 4:32:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Can you think of a better step-by-step formula to enable married couples or parents and children to live together happily?

Lessons learned over the years

There's no magic formula and no two marriage relationships are identical, but some principles can be helpful for all.

First, last and always, pray. Talk to our loving, merciful God about your marriage, your life and your needs.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.   Philippians 4:6

Then walk in faith. Love with your whole heart. If you feel you're running on empty ask God to refuel your love.

Watch your thoughts. Take it from one who knows, what we think about all the time may be total illusion, but it can crowd out what's real. In marriage as in all of life, keep your attention on what is, not on what's missing.

Will it be worth all the prayers and tears and struggles? Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!

Wishing you joy,

Lenore

You Can Grow a Marriage That Lasts

February 12, 2024
A lot of people believe the very idea of keeping love alive–and thriving–over the years is an impossible dream. Not true.

From what I've observed over the years what's needed most is that each marriage partner does their best to keep their marriage Priority One.

How does that play out in practical terms? Something like this:

1. Check how you look at life

Because you two are building a life and a future together, think "we" instead of "me."

Abandon any "I need to do what's best for me" thinking. In marriage each one aims to put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own. (You're partners, united in building your life together.)

It's not an exact science, not something to keep track of. How it plays out from day to day will vary.

Is this uncomfortable at times? Yes. Does it communicate that you value the person you married? Yes. Does it reinforce your oneness? Yes.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

2. Major in looking for strengths instead of weaknesses

It's always easier to pick out what's wrong in a person or a situation. Let that go and focus on what's good and right. Affirm those qualities with your honest praise.

The receiver(s) will beam and grow stronger. So will your marriage–and your family.

Promise each other to strike phrases like, "You never," and "You always" from your self-talk and conversations. (And especially from your arguments.)

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.   Ephesians 4:29

3. Safeguard your trust in each other

Being trust-worthy is a gift you give each other and build on by being honest with each other, time after time, always with love and kindness.

What if one of you says or does something hurtful? Forget pride. The one needs to apologize sincerely and the other needs to forgive. Then leave it behind.

Being able to trust the one you're married to glues you together, even during the worst of times and communicates to your children that they can trust their parents.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

4. Give up the idea of 50-50

Forget tracking who did more of what last time and the times before that. This kind of nitpicking kills love.

Struggling to find the "right" percentages seldom pays off. In the strongest marriages, sometimes one gives more and sometimes the other gives more, according to what's needed at the time.

Happy couples know the life they're building together counts more than who "wins."

[Jesus said] "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." Luke 6:31

5. Abandon expectations of how it should be

This sets you up to be disappointed whenever your spouse or your life doesn't meet some idea of "perfect" you heard about or read about.

Harping on little annoyances slowly erodes a marriage relationship. Choose instead to be glad for what is. Talk about that, build on it–and get more of it.

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. 1 John 3:18

6. Accept that your marriage partner has human frailties, just as you do

For all of us, it's easier to forgive ourselves for our own weaknesses and slip-ups than to forgive our spouse for theirs.

Aim to be at least as objective and charitable toward the one you married as you are with your friends.

Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

7. Recognize the power of words

Not everything is worth saying.

Hurtful words live on in memory long after bad moods and angry outbursts have passed. So do words of thoughtful praise and love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

8. Appreciate the day you're living now

Instead of thinking "someday" will be better, work on making this day better. A lifetime consists of days, lived out one at a time.

One day at a time you can get through rough spots and scary times together.

Mindset matters. So does what you say about your relationship, whether to each other or to friends or co-workers because this also impacts how you view your marriage and your life.

Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 (New Living Translation)

9. Love is not just an emotion

Real, lasting love is so much more. Every day one decides to keep on loving. That makes love an action word.

We can decide to act in loving ways even when our emotions are lukewarm. Almost always the feeling of love will return soon.

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.   Ephesians 4:32

10. Pray

Prayer is simply talking to our loving Father from the heart–and knowing He hears us.

My husband and I prayed individually and attended worship services together from the start. We did our best to follow Bible teachings in how we lived and parented our children.

Yet somehow we didn't begin praying aloud together for years. Only then did we realize we had cheated ourselves out of so much because this real, honest sharing helped us understand each other better. It deepened our individual faith as well.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. Psalm 145:18

Building a strong marriage doesn't happen in a week or two

Even for two people who start out full of love and joy, growing a marriage is the work of a lifetime–and it's worth it!

Take the long view. Some days and some stretches of time will be better than others. That's life. For everyone.

Don't get fixated on what may in reality be little more than a blip in the story of your life together. Stay focused on what matters most.

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:23

Believe in your marriage

Can love last? Absolutely! Ignore those who deny or ridicule that truth.

Make it your mutual, unshakable resolve to stay worthy of each other's love and to nurture your relationship. Your joy in each other will warm your hearts.

For countless couples, including my husband and me, our shared faith in Jesus made all the difference. (Now you know why I included so many Bible verses.)

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Blessings, always,

Lenore

Yes, You Can Have a Marriage That Lasts

October 3, 2023
When you look into a mirror who looks back at you?

Is it you as you really are or is it the person you think you should be?

This may seem a silly question, especially since it's a given that every one of us keeps growing and changing all through our lives–until one considers how many people rate their self-worth on the number of "likes" they get on social media. It's as if one's value as a person depends on what other people think of that individual.

By this logic, someone I never met–and likely never will–gets to tell me if I'm acceptable or not and whether my opinion is valid.

At the very least, isn't this un-American?

And if that's how we choose to live, doesn't it mean we hand over control of who we are and what we think to other people? To strangers?

With so many opinions floating around in our heads do we even know who we are?

Years ago–in the midst of my adolescent flailing around to find myself–my mom passed on this familiar quote from Shakespeare. She also briefly noted this truth offers a solid standard to live by:

This above all: to thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day,

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Even then I heard the inner click that signaled I needed to hang onto this truth.

Over time I realized my need for this to be true was as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. It explained why I could be troubled about some little cruelty among classmates or about suffering in a far-off country I could barely pronounce. Other kids my age just shrugged and said something like, "Aw, who cares? What does it matter to me?"

(As you might guess, this temperament quality never earned me the title "Miss Popularity.")

When I came to know myself better I realized the people I admired most were those who seemed to share this same need to be authentic.

When my husband and I met I sensed an inner honesty in him early on. Over a lifetime I found that to be always true. Yes, we disagreed sometimes, as all couples do, but each of us learned to respect the other's right to hold a different, well thought-out opinion. I knew I could trust him to be honest with me and he knew he never had to wonder if I were being truthful with him.

This mutual acceptance helped each of us feel more secure with ourselves and who we were. It also tremendously strengthened our marriage relationship.

United we stood

As parents we tried to anticipate what would be coming next and talk it through so we would be prepared for what came next. Our girls soon learned it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other to wangle permission for something we hadn't discussed. Our standard reply would be, "Sorry, but your dad (or mom) and I need to talk it over first."

This didn't stop our four lively, ever-changing daughters from trying. Or mounting campaigns complete with informing us that "all the other kids" already had their parents' okay.

We would listen patiently as they pleaded their case and then often say what they didn't want to hear: "Sorry, Hon, but we can't say Yes. We love you very much, but that wouldn't be for your best and that's what we're here for."

They still wailed (not wanting to appear too easy) but their pouts didn't last long.

Did they appreciate at the time that we were trying to be good parents? Not hardly.

Muddling through life

Isn't that what most of us do? None of us knows the precise path that lies ahead of us, so I'm guessing we do the best we can and try to do what's right.

I'm a Christian and I've learned that life is not about what I know, nor how good I am. How can I be sure? This may sound way too simple, but I trace it back to a simple faith song I learned as a young child. The song begins like this:

Jesus loves me, This I know, For the Bible tells me so.

These simple truths of faith have been for me like a solid railing that's in place beside a slippery path so all I have to do is grab hold and hang on tight as I walk.

Want something solid to hang onto for yourself?

Here's a trio of truths to start with:

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

(Note the "whoever." This promise is for everyone. Everywhere.)

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye on you. Psalm 32:8

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Once I got it straight in my mind that I am a child of God and He loves me, any uncertainty about figuring out who I was gradually cleared up and life got easier. Although I never got that Miss Popularity crown, it's okay. I know who I am.

I wish the same for you, dear reader,

Lenore

Let’s Be True to Who We Are

July 17, 2023
"And they lived happily ever after…"

That's what everyone is looking for, isn't it?

Somehow the sound of that phrase causes us to think there's a kind of magic that settles like morning dew upon the woman and man who fall in love and promise to love each other for life. Surely this means life will be bliss, day after day.

Doesn't it?

Well, not quite. Not for two human beings, imperfect as we all are. Besides, no one is happy, happy, happy without fail, 24/7.

What is true is that like every other living thing, even the best marriage takes T.L.C. Regularly. That is, both marriage partners nurture and look out for each other.

For life.

"Love," by itself, is not enough

I'm not a professional, but a lot of Christian counselors tell us there is a secret to growing a strong marriage and it's pretty clear-cut. Here's the formula:

We before You

You before Me.

We:  What nurtures and strengthens our marriage comes first, before either partner's personal desires.

You: Each of us places the other's needs and wants ahead of having it our way. (If that sounds belittling, think how sweet life could be if both partners lived this way.)

Me: What I want, what I need to be happy, the way I want things to be ranks last.

The problem is that on the inside we're all two-year olds yelling, "I want it my way!"

Never think this means personal needs and wants don't matter. The question is, what matters most right now? And what helps build strength into our marriage relationship?

Once you have clear answers to those questions, you know how to weigh your choices.

Don't be threatened when one or the other's expectations seem to change a bit here and there over time. It's not just young children who have "stages".

What matters is that your sense of oneness stays alive–and grows stronger.

Keep first things first

When both husband and wife aim to live this out they send each other a secret message: "I love you. You and what you need from our marriage comes first with me."

All this echoes Philippians 2:4:

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Real life calls for give-and-take. Inevitably, some days it will be all about one and other days it will be all about the other.

That's life. For everyone.

Add in new joys and challenges

Children bring blessings with them, but they interrupt time together for Mom and Dad. This calls for ingenuity to make sure you stay connected as a couple.

Why bother? Because the two of you nurturing your relationship is good for your children, too.

Whether you realize it or not, your darlings are watching how you interact with each other. They smile and feel all warm inside when they see Dad pat Mom on the butt, or notice how Mommy gives Daddy that "special smile."

Your strong marriage gives your kids a sense of security. They feel reassured they don't need to worry, even if their best friend's parents just split up.

As you two give each other the gift of love you also give your children the gift of inner stability.

How can a couple keep love alive?

Make it a habit to find your own way to snatch some time for the two of you every day, like after work. Be prepared, perhaps by keeping a special snack drawer and healthy veggies in the fridge. Hungry youngsters well may consider this time a treat if you allow them to watch special programs or the like.

This frees up a bit of time when Mom and Dad adjourn to a quiet corner–even in the same room–where you can reconnect and talk with fewer interruptions.

Be creative. It's all about finding what works for you.

First, last and always, talk. Talk. Talk. And listen.

Speak words of love, too

Just hearing the words sincerely spoken helps turn attention off ourselves and back to building strength into the marriage. When one or the other has had "one of those days," it will lift both your spirits as you gently mention qualities you see in them and truly admire.

Many counselors advise couples to hold hands, which means facing each other eye-to-eye–even when you are not in the mood. Even if it feels forced, just this skin-to-skin contact reminds you that underneath it all, you two are the same people who breathlessly promised to love each other forever.

Day after day, each one's words matter and have a lasting effect on both.

Years ago the poet Ogden Nash laid out his own catchy formula for husbands and wives who want to stay married:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.

Again and again we will fail

But we keep trying. When we slip up, we forgive each other–and ourselves. That's way better than nursing hurt feelings and growing bitter.

It is achingly lonely to be stuck on a cold hill of injured pride.

Could it ever be too late to make a new beginning? Almost never, except when there's abuse.

Even if only one partner changes–and perseveres–the effect can be positive. Healing can begin, something to build on.

A husband and wife who seek to live out these principles develop an enduring bond. Each one feels safe with the other. Trust grows and becomes a firm foundation. Love grows and blooms.

This translates into a marriage that lasts.

Enduring wisdom to live by

The Apostle Paul tells us how to live as Christians and it also describes how to keep a marriage strong. Here is Philippians 2:2-5, as it reads in the J.B. Phillips Paraphrase:

Live together in harmony, live together in love, as though you had only one mind and one spirit between you.

Never act from motives of rivalry or personal vanity, but in humility think more of each other than you do of yourselves.

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people's point of view.

Let Christ Jesus be your example as to what your attitude should be.

Whether married or single, here's to living strong in Jesus!

May your heart be filled with His love and peace and joy,

Lenore

Proven Pointers for Strengthening Your Marriage

June 23, 2023
Let's start with the ever-changing definition of dads

It wasn't so long ago that a man who treated his wife and kids well and brought home a regular paycheck would be admired. If he took an interest in his children, so much the better.

Back then, maybe a father read to his kids and attended his children's ball games and school programs, maybe not. If he said, "Sorry, I'm just too tired from work," his family gave him no static.

Instead, Mom and the kids would be sympathetic. "Oh, poor Dad, you worked so hard all day. No wonder you're worn out."

From earliest times a Christian wife felt doubly blessed if her husband loved Jesus and went to church with the family.

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26 NIV

Then and now

Currently, not so many people agree with that approach. Today, most moms expect (or at least, hope) Dad will be on hand for kid things. After all, didn't they agree they would be equal partners in rearing their children?

Life often blocks good intentions, leaving Mom (or Dad) to fly solo. The parent who feels stuck with filling in may say nothing, just paste on a tight smile and take over.

Next time this couple sees each other, tension may crackle the air. One says the other has not lived up to expectations and gets a response like, "Well, what about the time you … ?"

Most couples who've logged a few years of marriage learn a better way and likely would say something like this:

Give up trying to prove who's more "right." When one "wins," both of you lose.

Who comes first?

Early on, a wise older friend gave my husband and me good advice. "Don't get so much into your role as parents that you have nothing left between you once your children are wrapped up in their own lives."

Over time we better understood the strength of that tip. As our four children discovered they "needed" this or that and pleaded their cases with us, we two each needed an ally! Our kids discovered it was pointless to try to play one parent against the other.

Standing together also reminded us we were a couple. A team. We loved our children with all our hearts, but it helped so much to know each of us marriage partners placed the other first. Being human, we slipped up occasionally, but in general we stuck to this principle except in emergencies.

Years later our adult children one by one told us our unity and stability reassured them–even when they railed against it. Why? Because it reassured them we planned to stay married.

Your healthy marriage relationship builds lasting strength into your children.

We're all cracked pots–and it's okay

Nobody's perfect. Years ago author Patsy Clairmont said our "cracks" allow the light of Jesus to shine through us.

So in all our dealings but especially within our marriage and family, let's cut each other some slack. Let's show grace and be quick to forgive and accept each other as yes, imperfect people. And our sons and daughters, too.

Count on it: Your love and mutual forgiveness in the nitty-gritty of daily life will benefit your kids all their lives. It's how we parents most effectively model for our children how Christians are to handle conflict and frustrations.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 NIV

Does the idea of Father's Day dredge up old hurts?

It's a sad fact that many adults still ache to hear their father say the words, "I love you."

For generations, men believed whatever they did to provide for their wife and children obviously demonstrated their love loud and clear. The old "Actions speak louder than words" applies here. Many men simply never learned how to express their love. How to say the words.

Where does this leave you if you're still hurting? Good news, healing is possible, no matter how many years have elapsed–or even if you ever hear those words spoken.

It means being willing to lay down our battered bundle of pain at the foot of the cross and leave it there. Over and over, if necessary, until finally, we can let it go. We can't heal if we insist on picking it up again.

Jesus Christ fills our empty places with his love and makes us whole.

All of life gets easier when we give up thinking what people should be

Once we leave that judgment behind we can accept each other–and ourselves–as we are.

Love enables us to forgive what's missing.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

The Good News of the Gospel tells us we needn't generate this love on our own:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7 ESV

God created only individuals

No specific personality makes us a "good dad" or a "good mom." Neither does one parenting style or the other. It's all about living out love, healthy love that builds strength.

Let's tune out the drone of talking heads and listen to the still, small voice living within us. Leading us. Guiding us. Enabling us.

That voice is the Holy Spirit, Jesus living within our hearts, tenderly telling us, "Love one another as I have loved you."

When that's our standard for parenting, no worries, even if money is tight and our life situations are challenging. In the minds of our children, Dad will be a "good dad" and Mom will be a "good mom," because they will remember the love that ruled our hearts and our home.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV

Whatever our situation, let's resolve to rejoice! Even if. Even when. Even though.

Lenore

What does it take to be a good parent?

June 8, 2023
Do you remember the sparkle of when you first fell in love?

You couldn't stop smiling because you knew a secret: Somebody loved you!

It felt magical. Your somebody "got you," seemed to understand you. You felt better about yourself and about life and the future.

"Happily ever after" all at once seemed attainable and you wanted it.

Then came reality. Making a life together dimmed the dream and those secret smiles faded. Life's daily demands seemed to smoosh out the joy of being together.

One thing about sharing a life is it strips away illusions and "little quirks" begin to feel like a permanent pebble in one's shoe. Recitals of "This is what drives me crazy about you" come up so frequently that they can sound like a battle cry.

Sometimes a couple reaches the point where it seems that's all that's left between them.

Children can provide a smoke screen

Many parents sincerely want their children to feel absolutely secure in their parents' love. They aim to make home the place where never is heard a discouraging word and the clapping for each child's achievements, big or small, never stops.

Their personal conversations revolve around their child or children because, well, what could be more worthwhile?

The problem is this can suck up all their energy and concentration, leaving only leftovers for their marriage relationship. Eventually one or both discovers that it is possible to feel all alone, even while surrounded by the noisy hubbub of family life.

When happens between this husband and wife when their children grow up and move on to lives of their own? What will they have left between them?

Perhaps only then do they dare to look deeper into their hearts. One or both spouses may feel there's not enough love and mutual desire to rebuild their relationship, so why bother to try?

Many marriage counselors now believe this accounts for the high divorce rates among older adults, a.k.a., "gray divorce."

One wise older friend observed, "Divorce? Never! What I've noticed is that whatever their ages, every new couple has to adjust and work through the same basic issues. Why would I want to go through all that again?

Ways to short-circuit all that angst

Married or single, once in awhile it's good to stop what we're doing for a moment and really think about our life.

What do we as human beings need, especially from a marriage partner? Here's one good definition:

Someone who values us for who we are.

One who sees our good qualities–as well as our flaws.

A person who loves us just as we are. Period.

Most brides and grooms believe they've found just that. As the years pass it may get fogged over, but most likely, it's still there.

No better time exists to recover what you had. Find a setting that works for you both. Long lunches at a favorite place. Date nights. Periodic weekends for the two of you. Whatever brings back your smiles. The point is to have time to concentrate on each other without interruption.

Once in awhile talk about the three points mentioned above and explore together how close you come to giving each other this kind of love.

From there move on to how do we make this our reality?

This is not meant to be a tedious examination. Rather, think of it as staying current on what your partner needs now. (People change, you know.) Brainstorm how you can work together to make your marriage stronger and more fun.

A simple practice that can change a marriage

One friend says what keeps them close is always reconnecting when they come home from work. They've made it their family practice to provide a snack ready for hungry kids and permit them to watch an agreed-upon (rare) TV program. In other words, make it a reward for everyone.

Then she and her husband adjourn to a quiet corner and talk about their day. For half an hour or so they change off listening as the other one talks. They hug and cuddle. Often they pray together.

In those few moments the daily tensions fade and they remember again who they are.

Once again they are two people in love who are for each other, no matter what.

By then their youngsters will have calmed down from their day, too.

Only then do they start prepping their evening meal. Will dinner be a bit late? Yes. Will there be homework waiting? Probably.

But nobody minds, because everyone is more relaxed.

Her advice? "This precious daily treat costs nothing, but it means everything to my husband and me. It enables us to reconnect and remember that we can handle whatever comes because we have each other. Our kids don't say so very often but we know they like it, too. They've even told us it helps them know that we'll stay married."

Good advice for every one of us

Reconnecting–with people we love and with God–is essential if we're to hang on to joy and live fully the life He has given us.

When a youngster's mom and dad make time for each other they model how to make a marriage thrive and keep love alive.

Another important lesson kids learn is they are not the center of the universe.

That's an indispensable aid to navigating smoothly in the world at any age, whether at school or when they live apart from dear old Mom and Dad.

For individuals who live alone, many of the same principles apply. It's well worth the effort to put time and effort into developing and nurturing friendships and spending time together. The friendship and love of others enrich one's life. Period.

Love grows and people grow

One more factor enters in and that's faith in God. When that's the foundation on which we build, we build on bedrock that can stand firm despite the winds and storms life throws at us. If you're looking for Truth to keep you strong, here's are some verses well-loved by many:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love … Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:2, 32

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

With love and prayers for you, my friend,

Lenore

Love, love, love … Don’t let the magic seep away!

February 10, 2023
Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take?

Then came babies.

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.

Yet, somehow they did.

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ….

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

"We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."

"You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."

"We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage.

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage."

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better–if He chose–so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself.

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.'

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.

"I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too.

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage–and in me.

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them–and their marriages.

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye.

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer.

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter.

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength … The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse.

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself–or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends!

Lenore
How to put more joy in your marriage

October 8, 2022