Category: Marriage

Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.

Here's what I wish I had said to her.

For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.

The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.

Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other.

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

The typical male does not share that perception.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

Even with our husband or wife.

Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

"We," not "I"

"Us," not "me"

"Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.

Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood the test of time.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore
What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?

November 27, 2019
A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing–and continuing to believe–that staying married for life is possible.

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life.

It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together.

Focusing on your mutual goal(s)–and letting petty annoyances go.

Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort–and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops.

Then we knew we were lucky–and blessed–to find each other.

Now we know we are lucky–and blessed–to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life–and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together.

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

It's not up to our husband–or wife–to make us happy
Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.

Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness
Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?

News flash: Males and females think differently
This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he … ?" or "Why can't she … ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat.

Learning to communicate–and really listen to each other–takes time–but it's worth it
Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.

Mutual trust is like gold
Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?

Relationships thrive on authenticity
Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."

Simple kindness makes life better for both
We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives–and our own.

Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)

A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?

Praying for you,

Lenore
What does it take to stay married?

April 3, 2019
Poet Ogden Nash penned a short rhyme that's good advice for every wife and husband.

    To keep your marriage brimming

    With love in the loving cup,

    Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

    Whenever you're right, shut up.

My husband and I have been married for many decades and let's just say we've proven Nash is right enough times to know it's true.

Years ago I found another good piece on marriage. Sorry, I don't know who wrote it.

Practical Ways to Grow a Marriage

Never both be angry at the same time.

Never talk at one another, either alone or in company.

Never speak loudly to one another, unless the house is on fire.

Let each one put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own.

Never taunt with a past mistake.

Neglect the whole world rather than one another.

Never part for a day without loving words to remember.

Never make a mean remark at the expense of the other.

Never meet without a loving welcome.

Never let the sun go down upon any anger or grievance.

Never forget the happy hours of early love.

Never forget that God instituted marriage and His blessing alone can make it what it should be.

Remember to pray for God's blessing–and enabling.

That list makes us cringe, doesn't it?

We think, "No one could live up to all that!"

True, no one can, not perfectly. But if we tried, couldn't it ramp up our joy in our marriages? (Basic rule of human relationships: We get back what we give out.)

So let's consider this more of a checklist for growth–and prayer. Some may think it's useless to pray because their marriage is too full of hurt and disappointment. They have no love left to give.

Then it's time to recall Matthew 19:26:

But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (KJV)

No human being is hopeless. No marriage, no relationship is too far gone for God's healing

Even when love feels dry and dusty. Even when we think love has died.

Here's why, from 1 John 4:7:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.

That's good news, because what bride and groom really understand what they're pledging when they vow to love for life?

To promise is easy. To live out those promises 24/7, ah, that's the hard part.

We were two kids, so in love and so idealistic–and so clueless. Years of doing life together taught us the deep meaning contained in those familiar words: "…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part."

You see, by now we've experienced something of every word except, thank God, for "until death do us part."

Love is a daily decision

One of the most useful principles we learned in Marriage Encounter was, "Love is not just an emotion. Love is a daily decision."

So we decide again. And pray again. And thank God again. And begin again. It's an endless cycle.

And so we make it through life, day by day, and our love grows deeper, too.

By this time we can look back and see the lasting value of what we've built. Together. A happy marriage, a living creation that keeps growing and changing over the years.

And so do we, as individuals and as people of faith.

Lovingly,

Lenore
How to keep the love brimming in your “loving cup”

February 2, 2019
Standing in the airport's long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the thirtyish couple standing ahead of us.

The petite wife pushed her long dark hair behind her ear and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends," she said between sobs.

"I know, I know," her husband said, wrapping his burly arms around her.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Look, we've talked this over so many times and we have to go. The decision is made. We agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. Remember?"

She nodded, tears streaking her cheeks.

"It will be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airlines clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Neither one said a word. She bit her quivering lip and wiped her eyes. The husband appeared stoic, almost wooden. I know that look because I've seen it on my husband's face.

Soon the wife headed toward the ladies' restroom.

That's when I glimpsed his heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man without emotion or so excited and confident that her misgivings about their upcoming move didn't matter.

She sat down next to her husband, smiling a wavering smile, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Neither one said a word.

How often do we miss what the one closest to us is feeling?

Often we hide what's going on inside.

The "experts" say females are more likely to be in touch with our feelings and more able to communicate them than are most males.

That being true, it's not surprising husbands and wives often talk past each other. When we wives say what we're feeling we expect our husbands to respond with equal emotion. Often they don't, either because they can't find the words or because they really don't know what they're feeling.

We mistake their silence for tuning us out. We're quick to label them "cold" or "uncaring," even "selfish."

That day I saw both sides acted out

The young husband telegraphed his personal struggle the minute his wife walked away. His shoulders drooped and his lower lip quivered. But for her sake, he never let his wife see that.

She couldn't have known he harbored some doubts of his own.

I wanted to tell them. I had to fight the urge to walk over and say, "Be honest with each other, now, before it's final, or this could drive a wedge between you. Talk it through. Cry together. Pray together. It may hurt, but it will draw you together and make you one again."

How do I know? Because my husband and I have lived out situations of our own. Lived them out both ways. Yes, we've survived and we've worked it out eventually. But later, more than once we've thought, Oh, what a waste of time and pain when we could have been there for each other.

Sharing honestly–with kindness and consideration–might not have changed anything, outwardly. Still, it would have made all the difference in how we got through our days and got from here to there.

Do you mean we should never keep our feelings to ourselves?

No, of course not. To "let it all hang out" every single time can be destructive. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is zip our lips.

Why would we do that? Because while we may not like the thing that's before us or the mess we're living through, we believe in our marriage and that's more important than our individual feelings of the moment.

What matters is that the two of us know we're in it together. One motto applies, in every situation:

Keep your eye on your oneness and overlook the temporary struggle.

As for the ending to the airport story

I don't know what happened to those two, but they caused me to look within. I had to ask myself, how often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, a personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's not the kind of love Jesus spoke of.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

It's funny how God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways, isn't it?

If we open the eyes of our hearts.

In love,

Lenore

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Get marriage tips from strangers in an airport

June 27, 2018
As I waited in the long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the interchange between a thirty-something couple just ahead.

The petite wife sobbed as she pushed back an errant strand of her long dark hair. Then she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and said, "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends."

"I know, I know," her husband said gently, then wrapped his burly arms around her and pulled her close.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Sweetheart, we've talked this over so many times and we agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. This will give us a so much brighter future. Remember?"

She nodded, tears still streaking her cheeks.

"It'll be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airline clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Their conversation was sparse, mostly the husband methodically pointing out why their upcoming move would be good. She bit her quivering lip and nodded her head.

I could have written the script for their exchanges, since my husband and I have lived it a time or two.

Soon the wife headed toward the restroom.

That's when I glimpsed the young husband's heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working, and he wiped his eyes a time or two.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a big smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man who put opportunity first. Maybe she thought him filled with confidence. She might even have supposed he didn't much care about what mattered to her.

This couple kept me thinking all the way to my destination

I couldn't escape the sense they communicated a lot about love and marriage.

We females more often wear our feelings openly. When our husbands don't respond with equal emotion we may think them cold, uncaring, even selfish. All the while they may be holding back their own emotions.

Could that be because we say we want them to be strong? Disciplined? Responsible?

The young husband's dejected look and stance the minute his wife walked away telegraphed his personal struggle. But he never let his wife see that. She needed to believe that he believed their plan was wise and good–and swallow any reservations of his own.

How often hasn't my husband done that for me?

I suspect the answer would be more often than I ever guessed.

Bringing their story home

I don't know what happened to those two, but I'm grateful I was able to peek inside their life for those few minutes.

They caused me to look within. I confess I didn't much like what I saw.

How often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, another personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's making the world all about ME.

Jesus spoke of another kind of love

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

Not one of us can live up to that standard, but we can be careful to value the opinions and emotions of our husband–or wife–and other family members as much as our own.

That love and respect is like soothing oil on an aching wound, especially in situations when we can't quite get on the same page.

Isn't it a wonder how again and again God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways . . . if we open the eyes of our hearts.

Still learning,

Lenore

Learning about love from strangers in an airport

June 21, 2017
The other day a friend said, "I don't know why, but I rag on my poor husband all the time–about nothing.

"That sweet man never gets angry, just waits for me to run out of steam and keeps on loving me anyhow."

Maybe you catch yourself falling into that trap once in awhile.

Me, too.

Especially with my own sweet husband, who unfortunately happens to be an imperfect human being.

(Like his wife.)

Home, the 24/7 proving ground

It's at home that we slip up most often, isn't it? Because our loved ones love us we feel free enough to blurt out whatever comes to mind.

Yet if you're like me, your mom told you, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything."

We tell our kids, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Sometimes we're not so good at living out those truths in our day-to-day conversations with the person(s) we say we love the most.

Here's the hard truth I didn't want to look at

Our thoughtless words at home speak louder than our words at church.

They reveal what's inside us.

Every time we open our mouths we bring chaos or comfort. As the writer of Proverbs 12:18 (NIV) put it:

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Over the years I've grown somewhat wiser and more aware of myself. I've also learned to say from the heart, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

My husband always does, but we both know no apology blots out the memory of hurtful words.

Now, about those loose lips . . .

Some of us, um, forget when we're supposed to keep a secret. Or we carelessly share way more information than outsiders have a right to know.

Even without evil intent, we can do harm.

There's a remedy available, but not at the drugstore. I discovered it at a time when it was essential for me to, shall we say, keep my mouth shut about confidences that had been shared. I found this wonderful verse from Psalms and it became my frequent prayer.

Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. –Psalm 141:3 NIV

I've found that verse "hits me and fits me." It reminds me to think before I speak. It helps me control my wayward tongue.

Did somebody mention gossip?

I'm not a gossip. You're not a gossip.

We do talk about others, however, often in loving concern. To us, that doesn't feel like gossip.

To the subject(s) of our conversation, however, it probably does–unless we have their permission to share their stories.

Here's the problem: As soon as we tell another person we lose control of what happens next.

We can never predict the ripple effect of our words once they leave our mouths.

Gossip is not a new phenomenon. Solomon, the writer of most of Proverbs, knew that once we share a juicy bit of information, it can't be unsaid.

The words of a gossip are swallowed greedily, and they go down into a person's innermost being. Prov. 26:22 GW.

Nothing about human nature has changed since the time of Solomon.

Recalculating our aim

That's a word the recorded voice on our GPS often uses when we fail to follow the directions given. Then we may hear, "recalculating."

That's what the Psalm 141 verse noted above does for me. It helps me recalculate the direction I'm taking and sets me back on the right road. I've found that repeating Bible verses like this reminds me who I am and how I want to be.

I can't do it on my own. Thanks be, I don't have to.

Neither do you.

All we need to do is ask.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. –Hebrews 4:16 NIV

Peace and joy,

Lenore

The case for watching our words

April 19, 2017
February can be risky territory, especially for husbands

Especially for my husband, because this is the month in which we were married. So he has two opportunities to fall flat.

It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the ads that run this time of year, all touting, "Show your love how much you care!"

All a guy has to do, say the advertisers, is buy what they're peddling. Flowers, diamonds, chocolate-dipped strawberries, sexy lingerie, even footed all-in-one pajamas. (Can Chia Hearts be far behind?)

It's advertising hype, pure and simple, and I know it. But I'm a romantic–isn't that part of being female?–so I fantasize.

Over the years I wasted too many "Big Days" in February because my sweet husband, being a guy, didn't show up with something. He'd say, "Oh, Honey, I forgot. I'm sorry!" And he was.

I'd mouth the words, "That's okay," and paste on a phony smile, telling myself to grow up.

Enter The Big Chill. Poor me thinking. Frequent sighs. You know the drill.

Years of living together taught me a greater truth

My perspective changed. Now I know:

Any Valentine's Day, anniversary or birthday is less important than the other 364 days of the year.

What matters most is how love plays out day-after-day.

Love eats his bride's latest kitchen experiment and pronounces the strange-looking mixture, "Delicious."

Love holds his extremely pregnant wife while she wails, "I'm huge! And I can't get any shoes on except flip-flops!" Love replies, "I think you've never been more beautiful, Sweetheart."

Love says, "I'll take care of the kids over the weekend. You go to that getaway with your friends. We'll be just fine."

Love says, "No, no, no. You're the one who deserves a new coat. Mine's good for another winter."

Love puts the coffee on because he knows she needs a cup to get going in the morning.

Love thinks his receding hairline is "sexy" and love handles are comfy.

Love overlooks her stretch marks and mastectomy scars and her tendency to lose track of time.

Love sees the girl he married even when she walks stooped-over and with a cane.

Love sees her sweetheart, even when he sometimes can't remember her name.

And vice versa.

I've learned–sometimes the hard way–that mutual loving kindness and consideration nourish a marriage, just as regular feeding and watering help a rosebush bloom and thrive.

Let's rejoice in what is

Today I know what matters most to me is the enduring love between my husband and me. I count that more precious than all the diamonds in South African mines.

When it comes to special days like Valentine's Day and anniversaries, let's not miss an amazing, humbling point:

You and I hold the power to make every day a special day for the one we love–and ourselves.

Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it's true.

So let's Keep It Simple, Sweeties!

An anytime checklist

Many of us are familiar with 1 Corinthians 13, which often is spoken at weddings.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs … It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails … And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (vv. 4-8, 13 NIV)

Think of these verses as a sort of plumb line to live by. Can we do that, day after day? No, because we're sinners, unable to live perfect lives.

But know this: When we make that our aim, love and joy will grow, right where we are. Guaranteed.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

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There’s more to love than hearts and flowers and all the rest

February 1, 2017
Here's a question to ponder: Are you "all in" in your marriage?

That is, where do you rank your marriage relationship in your value system?

Some wives and husbands are consumed–and fed–by their jobs.

For couples with children, either one or both may place their children's needs before everything–and everyone–else.

Still others concentrate on their personal growth and interests such as music or sports or physical fitness. That's what fills them up as individuals.

It's easy to assume the relationship between wife and husband kind of takes care of itself

As one husband said, "Well, we're married for Pete's sake. Isn't that enough of a statement?"

A wife said, "We don't have much one-on-one time anymore, but someday we will. He loves me and I love him and well, it's restful to just relax and not try so hard."

Always, the danger is that one or both spouses may feel a nagging sense something is lacking in their marriage.

Can a marriage grow strong on leftovers of time and energy?

A green plant stuck in a dark corner and watered "whenever" may cling to life, but it will be a pitiful, spindly thing. Something like that happens to a marriage relationship left on its own to wait until everyone and everything else is taken care of.

Like any living thing, a marriage needs care and tending if it's to thrive instead of wither.

Here's the good news. What nurtures the marriage also feeds and buoys up the marriage partners.

If this sounds like a win-win situation, it is.

I need a turnaround. Where do I start?

Before you do anything else, pray for fresh eyes to see, a teachable spirit and courage to change. Trust me, you'll need all three.

It's tempting to first identify all the ways your spouse needs to change, but that's a waste of time. The only person you or I can change is the one that looks back at us from our mirrors.

Try making a list of what's right instead. Use your smart phone, your computer, or plain old paper and ballpoint pen.

Whatever means you choose, hang onto this list.

Now start writing. Don't quit until you've written down ten or more qualities or habits you truly value in your wife or husband. Read it out loud to yourself.

Keep your list handy

Reread your list every day. Add to it as you spot additional pluses–and you will, now that you're looking for what's good.

One more thing–and this may be the most important–don't keep it to yourself. Compliment your husband or wife and be specific, even if it feels unnatural at first.

Pay attention to how your mood changes over time and how your spouse reacts. Is there a new warmth between you?

As this becomes your habitual way of relating to each other, you won't want to give it up.

Modeling for the next generation

Today most kids interact with peers whose parents have split. Often they fear their mom and dad will be next.

Here's how to add to their security, big -time. Youngsters who know their parents love each other deeply and put each other first experience a deep-down sense of peace and stability.

You read that right: Parents who put each other first give their children a solid, stable base for life.

Every day such parents provide life lessons on how to live as Christian marriage partners. That's more powerful than any words.

Looking for reliable guidelines?

Here are some which have stood the test of time.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal . . . Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things . . . So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. –1 Corinthians 13:1, 4-7, 13 (ESV)

I never read those words without remembering the speaker who told us, "When you read those words, substitute your own name for the word 'love.'"

Ouch!

You know and I know not one of us can live up to that list perfectly, every day.

Nevertheless, it shows us what perfect love looks like. For me, at least, it helps guide me back to the way I want to love my husband.

Still growing,

Lenore

How to be happier in the marriage you’re in

September 21, 2016
Most of us have days now and then when we feel unlovable.

You know how it goes.

For example, take this morning. I complained (mildly) for maybe the thousandth time about a minor annoyance.

Then the darling guy I married a lifetime ago dared to utter one harmless, absolutely logical remark–and with a smile, yet.

"Well, maybe it's time to just get over it."

The Ice Age Cometh

Immediately I felt my personal ice curtain slithering down. I knew he spoke truth, but did that melt the ice? Uh-uh.

Maybe I can blame it on occasional chilly mealtimes when I was a kid.

When one of us was in trouble with you-know-who it got very quiet. All you heard was, "Please pass the butter," or "May I have the mashed potatoes?"

At the time I vowed I would never, never, never follow that example.

As an adult I've worked hard to stamp out what feels like a "natural" response. Most of the time I'm successful. But once in awhile I forget.

Amazingly, this patient man keeps on loving me–on good days and the other kind

I'm his wife and he's my husband. We spoke our wedding vows before God and family long ago, back when we were young and clueless–and we meant it. All through our marriage that pledge has carried us through life's inevitable down times.

We've clung to each other and to God and carried on, growing stronger and closer all the way.

My husband knows I love him. Period. I know he loves me. Period.

As for our four daughters and sons-in-love and our grandchildren, we love each one. Period.

Nothing they do–or don't do–will change that one tiny bit.

I think that's a small glimpse of how God feels about us

No matter how hard we try, no matter how many times we resolve to do better, sooner or later we fall short. And yet He loves us. All because of Jesus.

(Jesus said) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." –John 3:16-17

Jesus came to set us right with the Father. By faith we are his children.

Because I love and trust Jesus as my Savior, God forgives me, even when I slip up. Period.

(Jesus said) "He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him." (John 14:21)

That's it. Nothing more is required. Just faith in Jesus

It's not complicated. Find a quiet place to talk with Him, that is, to pray.

Then pour out your heart, even all the stuff you really don't want to talk about. Ask His forgiveness for your failures. Leave that heavy bundle of past failings with Him and feel the weight lift from your shoulders.

Perhaps you're not sure God exists, let alone Jesus. Then tell Him. Ask Him to let you know in your heart and your spirit that He is real.

His love doesn't depend on whether you're "good enough" because Jesus died to pay for the sins of the world. It's a done deal. That's what He meant when He said on the cross, "It is finished." John 19:30

Know one thing for sure

You've heard the verse, God is love.

We can't compare our human love to God's love for us. That's like comparing the water in a toy teacup to the water in the Pacific. His love is a mystery beyond our comprehension.

I get a tiny hint of understanding on days like this, when I can't figure out how my husband goes on loving his imperfect wife.

I'm just thankful he does.

Blessings,

Lenore

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May 11, 2016
Nancy Reagan died recently at age 94 and for a brief moment, the media world celebrated the enduring love between a long-married couple.

I never considered myself a fan, particularly. But it always touched my heart that those two seemed genuinely in love–and let it show.

When she died I expected the usual recitations of her life as First Lady of both the U. S. and the state of California.

That's why the comments of celebrities and media people blew me away. It seemed every reporter and commentator praised Nancy Reagan, the wife.

How often do they honor any woman, dead or alive, simply because she was her husband's wife and did everything she could to help him?

It was almost Biblical. Remember Genesis 2:18?

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. (ESV)

By all accounts, Nancy was a helper "fit" for Ronald Reagan

Clearly, they were the light of each other's life. It showed every time they gazed at each other with "that look"–which was most of the time.

Once "that look" was ridiculed–and so was she.

Obviously, neither of them cared. They simply went on holding hands and smiling.

I'm old enough to remember when the press and Hollywood stars maligned Nancy Reagan for that look. Feminists called her a total blank because she defined her identity as "Ronnie's wife."

Many faulted her for not being a better role-model for young women. Some even called her a disgrace to women everywhere.

Those who thought more deeply said, "Feminism is all about women having choices, isn't it? Well, Nancy Reagan made her own choices and lived by them. What's to criticize?"

After she died, only praise

Morning TV shows, Internet news items and newspapers all over the USA reported on their lifelong love affair. They spoke of Nancy Reagan, the wife, who loved her husband and honored him all the days of her life.

Even after her "Ronnie" no longer wrote her frequent love notes or spoke his adoration because Alzheimer's stole the memories they once shared.

Even after he died in 2004 and moved on.

Several who spoke recalled her saying she never stopped missing him. Never stopped wanting to tell him something she'd just read–and then she would remember he wasn't there.

Family members and other speakers noted that now these two are together again–in Heaven.

Because Nancy Reagan was the widow of a President, her memorial service was telecast

She planned every detail of that service, which honored the love between this couple. What's more, it witnessed to the beauty and strength of believing in God.

Several sections of the Bible were read, including 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

At first it seemed surprising that Proverbs 31:10-31 was read, but no. That day it seemed to me that Nancy Reagan, like so many of us wives, wanted the world to know this is how she tried to live:

An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life. . . .

Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her . . .

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

–Proverbs 31:10-12; 28;30 (ESV)

Because of who she was, Nancy Reagan's memorial drew a huge audience

Televised clips were used on newscasts, here and abroad. Articles were written in publications around the world.

It was plain to see that many reporters, as well as the rich and the famous who attended, were moved by the service. Who knows how many watchers gained some new views on marriage and on faith?

To me, that memorial service was Nancy Reagan's most lasting legacy.

You may have been a fan or thought her a fool. Either way, I think we can all agree she made the most of her last moment of fame. That day countless people heard the Truth of Jesus and glimpsed the beauty in the love that builds a lasting marriage

And that's quite a lot for one lifetime.

Lovingly,

Lenore

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