Category: Self-image

  • Suppose someone asked you, “Tell me about you and your life.” How would you answer? 

    We all have a mental picture of who we are. Maybe we lost track of where it came from but we’re used to it and it feels like fact. This inner picture either lifts us up or drags us down, every moment of every day. 

    Our thoughts–and our words–can hem us in or set us free.

    Does that sound like an exaggeration? Take a listen

    Sometime back a popular radio talk show host announced the day’s topic: “Are you a victim?”

    His guest that day was a professional counselor. When he opened the phone lines one of the first callers was “Liza,” whose tears kept interrupting her story

    “Am I a victim? Absolutely! Six months ago I was beaten up and raped. That attacker ruined my life!”

    When asked whether her family or friends offered support, Liza replied they kept trying to reach her and her fiancé still wanted to marry her. “But I don’t want to see any of them!” she sobbed. “I know everyone just feels sorry for me, so I don’t go out. Anywhere. With anyone.

    “They tell me I’m depressed, but why wouldn’t I be? My life was good and I had a happy future planned with the man I love. I know now I will never be the same. I can’t ever be the same.

    “It changes everything once you become a rape victim.”

    “Mindy” called next

    She said, “I was raped, too, by a neighbor I thought I could trust. That horror followed years of my stepfather molesting me.

    “Like your last caller, I saw myself as a victim. I lashed out at anyone who came near me and kept asking, ‘Why me?’ Night and day I hugged my pain around me and inside, I shivered in misery.

    “After a long time I realized I had lost the real me. When I thought of myself as ‘the victim,’ I locked out everything and everybody. I finally decided I didn’t want to live like that anymore, so I searched out a good counselor and worked on building a new life. A better life.

    “I want to say to the woman who just called, it’s true you never will forget what happened. But you decide what you will do with this experience.

    “It helps to rename what you went through. You can call it a pothole in the road you were on. Everyone has those. Hitting a bump in the road can give you a bad jolt and leave you shaken, but it doesn’t have to stop you in your journey–unless you let it.

    “I hope you can hear me. I know your pain, I really do, because I’ve been there. I came to understand that I was choosing to see myself as injured. Damaged. Powerless.

    “Forgive me because I know this sounds harsh, but that awful man did not make you a victim. You are doing that all by yourself.”

    Could there be meaning in that for you and me? 

    After listening to those two women, here’s my takeaway:

    In every situation, how we think and speak of ourselves not only impacts our lives, but can determine our lives.

    Once we plug that into our thinking it can help us deal with whatever comes. Whatever the reason, we all have times we feel unworthy and unlovable.

    Some of us loved and counted on a person who let us down in some way. Some of us constantly replay hurtful conversations that haunt us. Some of us got a raw deal from an employer or a co-worker and can’t let go of the injustice. Some of us ache with regrets over the past or current failures or problems we can’t fix.

    Whatever is on our personal list, here’s the truth in all of it: All these circumstances are the ordinary stuff of life. For everyone, in every stage of life.

    Simply put, life can be hard. How do we live with the day-to-day?

    Always, the same truth applies

    We get to choose how we label–and view–our lives. And ourselves. Every. Single. Time.

    We can stay in the “pity pit” and be stuck with its lousy view. We can vow to trust no one ever again, as a way to protect ourselves. We can put up emotional walls against being wounded, essentially living as loners, even within a marriage.

    Or–and I know this may sound too simple–we can decide to leave our heavy load behind, with the One who knows our everything and loves us still:

    There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus … “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” …  Romans 8:1, John 14:27   

    Millions of believers around the world know that’s the only way to find real inner peace  

    When we truly believe in Jesus as our Lord and Savior it gives us a new identity: “Child of God, Washed Clean and Set Free by Jesus.”

    For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.   Ephesians 2:8-9

    This new identity cancels out our old, harmful labels, whatever they may be. It enables us to let go of what weighs us down and to finally be at peace. With God. With ourselves. And with the people in our lives.

    What happened before this minute is history–and we can’t change it. How we think and how we live from this moment on is up to us and how we choose to see our lives.

    Lenore

    How Do You See Yourself?

  • Some of us are stuck in yesterday

    We still hear the critical voices of our parents or teachers or the taunts of childhood friends. In times of clear thinking we remind ourselves that’s pointless, but old hurts and doubts still surface and hang around.

    Oh sure, we know no one had a perfect childhood. But here we are, still dragging around wrong messages from the past. Why is that?

        How can we lighten that load or put it down for good?

    Begin by recognizing painful words for what they are

    This story is about our friend “Tim,” but it could just as well be about “Tina”.

    Tim grew up with an alcoholic dad who delighted in bringing everyone else down. Especially his children. When the kids came home excited because they got good grades or because they had come out on top, Pops would laugh and ask, “Oh, getting the big head, are we?

    Every. Single. Time.

    The boy became the teenager became the adult. Everyone who knew him considered Tim a success story.

    That is, everyone but Tim.

    Whenever things went his way at work or his wife told him she was proud of him, Tim still heard his father’s voice taunting him with the same hurtful question.

    He felt hopeless and asked himself, would he–could he–ever be free?

    Then Tim and his buddy joined the men’s group from church  

    They quickly felt comfortable and liked the informal discussion of how the Bible still applies to living today. Then came a snack, plus lots of time to just talk–and really connect. Tim slowly felt himself relax.

    One week their assignment was to do a self-assessment which they could share or not, no pressure.

    They only had to think through one question:

    Who am I now? Today?

    Letting go of the past

    As he thought about his life Tim saw how all his life he worked hard to prove himself–to his dad, he finally understood.

    Now he had a good job and he got along well with his co-workers.

    Best of all, he and his wife were strong together. The hard times they struggled through taught them they could rely on each other. I love her more today than when I married her. Thank you, Lord!  

    He thought of their family and smiled. They’re good kids, they’re healthy and they’re doing okay in school. I need to tell them a lot more often that I love them and I’m proud of them.

    The question of the week no longer intimidated him.

    When his eyes dropped to the Bible verse of the week, 2 Corinthians 12:9,  God’s words to the Apostle Paul. Tim felt it could have been written just for him.

    But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  2 Corinthians 12:9   

    Seeing clearly at last

    Next time the men’s group gathered, Tim couldn’t wait to share the new understanding he gained of his father:

    “For perhaps the first time, I saw my dad with clear eyes. Back then he was a walking disaster. Constantly putting all of us down made him feel better about his own messed-up life.

    “Once I understood that, I could let it go. Now when I hear Dad’s critical voice in my head I answer it with today’s truth, which is that I like my life and what I’ve become. I know it’s God’s blessing and from now on I want to live out last week’s Bible verse:”

    “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?”   Isaiah 43:18-19   

    Enduring truths 

    Long ago I found a quote which brought me up short. Way back in history, Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 55 A.D. until 135 A.D., summed it up this way:

    “It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters.”

    These words can be a power statement that fits each of us, at any stage of life. Whether we realize it or not, we have within us the power to control how we think about what comes into our lives.  Whether we’re troubled by painful memories from the past or by uneasiness over present reality, when we change our thinking, we can change our lives.

    Still learning,

    Lenore 

    Why Not Live Free?

  • Sometimes it can be a challenge to know what really drives us.

    When good friends get together the conversation can wander into unexpected territory. Roadside bombs may litter the way.  

    Like the time a group of us started talking about being parents and occasionally wondering why we do what what we do. Blog. Women talking. 3.18

    "Honestly, sometimes it's like my mother has taken over my thoughts–and my mouth," said "Kim." "It's as if I don't know if it's me talking or if I'm just a replay of my mom."

    "Angie" said, "I know. When I was a kid what I hated most of all were the times my brothers and I would misbehave or maybe, disappoint her. Then my mom would go all cold and silent. 

    "I vowed if I ever had children I would never, ever do that! Makes no difference. I love my kids, I really do, but when they act up I can feel myself going all cold and icy. My throat actually closes up. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of prayer to change at all and even so, I still have to watch myself."

    Peeling back the layers

    "JoJo" said, "I wish I had understood before we married how much my husband is like his workaholic father. I think then at least I would have been prepared, sort of."

    After that everyone chimed in with their own story about negative messages and patterns that still influenced their lives.

    In no time gloom settled over us like a black cloud.  

    That's when "Annie" broke through with a bit of sunshine. "Okay, enough! Let's not get stuck on the past and how our parents messed us up. I'll bet we all can remember good things, too.

    "Take my parents, for instance. They made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other–and it showed. They laughed a lot and my friends always wanted to come to our house. What sticks with me is the love and the laughter. Am I the only one who thinks her parents did a good job?"

    That's all it took to turn the conversation around. Soon every one of us found several ways our parents blessed us–for life.

    We leave imprints, too 

    From the beginning we all intend to be a good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith in God that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

    The trouble is we're human and life is hard. 

    For many of us the necessary, non-parenting part of life takes up a lot of our time and energy. We end up too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

    We rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people. Inevitably, we fail at that because it's an impossible standard.

    All the while our children are growing up. And storing up memories.

    What I know now–and wish I'd known in the beginning

    The truth can be so obvious we could miss it altogether.

    Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, will experience good times and not-so-good times during their years from birth to adulthood. 

    What we–and our children–do with that depends on us as individuals. What we–and they–remember also is affected by personality. Who knows but that may play as big a part as what was factual.  

    That's not to imply any of us–or our children–are lying.  

    The friend who recalled her laughing mother and father said, "Oh, they weren't perfect, but these are the memories I choose to carry with me. My sister was there at the same time, but she doesn't remember those years the same way." 

    Raising children is a challenge. It always was

    Most kids grow up with little awareness of the pressures and hardships their parents had to deal with. So did we.

    You and I look back from who we are and what we know today–and make judgments, fair or unfair. Some of us keep digging to uncover ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us–and then we nurse our pain.

    Why would anyone do that? Motivations vary, but for some, it provides a built-in excuse for … whatever. One example would be if we can blame our parents then obviously, it's not our fault.

    This may seem a convenient way out when we fail, but there's a downside: 

    Any time I declare myself a victim I also declare I have no power, no control over my life and my circumstances.

    Now, really, is that any cause for celebration?

    What if? 

    What if we laid down whatever burdens drag us down and just live freely in this day? We can, you know.

    Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  2 Corinthians 5:17  ESV

    Once we are ready to be free of living with old hurts, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos:

    . . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.   Colossians 3:12-13  NIV

    We are human, we make mistakes. So did our parents.

    You and I survived our parenting, however flawed it may have been. We may even be stronger because of what we had to overcome. 

    Instead of stuffing down hurtful memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

    (And let's pray our children will do the same for us.)

    Blessings and joy,

    Lenore

    Are you still living by old messages?

  • Lately there's been a lot of angst going around

    This seems like a good time to pass on a folksy little story that arrived in my Inbox one day. It always speaks pointedly to me. May it speak to you, too.    

    Just Another Day

    The crusty old-timer slouched into the local coffee shop and settled himself Blog. Waitress. 1.16 (2017_08_21 00_15_50 UTC)onto the end stool at the counter. Then he winked at the waitress and said, "Gimme a big mug 'a Joe, Dearie."

    This lady wasn't taking any guff from anyone. She stood up tall and said, "I am not your Dearie! My name is Daisy."

    "My mistake, Miss Daisy. My name's Hector. Now pour me some of your good hot coffee, if 'ya please."

    When his steaming cup of Joe arrived, he inhaled deeply and asked, "Got any sugar cubes, Ma'am?

    "Yes, sir."

    She handed Hector the sugar bowl and he dropped in a cube of sugar.

    Then another.

    And another. And another.

    When he got to seven, Daisy pulled the sugar bowl away and said, "Listen, here, Mister, you don't need more sugar. Just stir up whatcha' got!"

    That's wise counsel for living, too

    Sometimes we discount what we already have and are, just because we're used to it.

    The flood of self-help articles and reports and interviews that never stop all boil down to the same theme: You and I need to be more than we are.

    According to these "experts," each with a favorite theory, you and I can achieve "more-ness" with (fill in the blank.) So we can grow. And stretch. And explore new horizons.

    It's exhausting.

    Learning and growing are good things, but most of these spokespeople proceed as if every human being is an exact copy of every other human being.   

    For Christians, that theory is pure bunk. The Bible tells us God creates every human being. Not with some sort of divine 3-D Printer, but with infinite care and his personal involvement. 

    Ponder this verse, Psalm 139:13, and think as you read it. 

    For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.    ESV

    Each of us is one-of-a-kind

    Even identical twins have their own individual fingerprints and personalities. You and I are not exactly like our siblings. Neither are our children, even when they all are the same gender.   

    Not one of us is "missing" some essential part of ourselves.  

    Can we grow and learn to understand ourselves better? Of course. Sometimes that happens as we live out our lives. Sometimes we may need to talk with our pastor or with a licensed counselor.

    It's an imperfect world and none of us is perfect. It's a big step to acknowledge our weaknesses to ourselves. Be sure you don't overlook your individual strengths. Rather, give thanks for them.  

    The Bible tells us God equips each one of us to handle whatever He asks of us. That means each of us has what we need to live the lives He gives us. Remember, our lives are not over until our last earthly breath, so none of knows exactly what qualities we may need.

    For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.   Ephesians 2:10  ESV

    Keep tabs on what's already present–in your life, in your marriage and in your family

    It is God who gives us our abilities and talents–and for a reason we may not yet understand. 

    Are there struggles even in strong marriages and families? Yes, for every one of us. Single or married, at any age, life is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Being a mom–or a dad–is hard.

    If we expect perfect here on earth then our days may seem like too much to cope with. We just want it to stop.

    That's dangerous thinking because we may spend our days in wistful longings and daydreams of better times and perhaps, "more perfect" people.  

    Once again the Bible shows us the better way to deal with difficulties:

    Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.   James 1:1   ESV

    Build on what you already have 

    For example, if you're married and feeling ho-hum, why not try a bit of do-it-yourself effort?

    Agree to make time for each other, just as deliberately as you make time for other appointments. 

    Choose a weekend or other time when neither of you has to report in for work. Then farm out your kids for a night or a weekend. Kidnap your husband–or wife–and head to a nearby hotel or motel. Live on room service (or McDonald's if money is tight) and each other's undivided attention.

    (The same strategy works if you simply stay home in your own house. It's just harder to shut out all the chores that need catching up on.)

    Often, a short time of concentrating on each other is all that's needed for a couple to rediscover their love, which can get covered up with job and kids and the "stuff" of everyday life. 

    We love because he [Jesus] first loved us . . . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.   1 John 4:19; 1 Peter 4:8   ESV 

    Get reacquainted with your children and get to know them now

    Whatever their ages, take off your I-need-to-parent-you eyes. Instead, look–really look–at each child with eyes of love.  

    Think about their individual personality qualities: who they are. Notice how funny and unique each one is. Find ways to reinforce their positive qualities, maybe a note or a card or just saying you value those qualities.  

    Make time to be one-on-one with each child, so you can concentrate on each one. Being together strengthens family bonds–between parent and child and also between siblings.

    As your children grow up, increasingly respect their right to have their own lives. (We wanted that for ourselves, didn't we? And don't we?)

    As you would that others would do to you, do so to them.  Luke 6:31  ESV

    Share more than food at mealtime 

    Eating together every day strengthens relationships within a family. All the research shows that especially with children and teens, this increases their own strength and inner security.

    Mealtimes offer a built-in opportunity to connect. One powerful–and popular tool is to do Highs and Lows. Go around the table and each one shares from their day–while everyone else listens. (Make it okay to say "Pass" and remain silent.)

    Each one can tell about their cares and issues to each other. Nothing formal, just each one sharing their days with each other and staying tuned-in. Lastly, parents and/or children pray and speak a blessing.

    Stick with it and watch each one become more comfortable opening up to each other. A way to live out faith together.  

    Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.  Romans 12:15   ESV

    Let's get personal

    Every so often take a closer look. Start by writing down at least ten good things about your life. Ten things, small things, "ordinary" things.   

    Then list what's good about you. And your husband. And your kids. Once again, this is not about achievements or "big stuff."

    Keep your lists handy. Reread them when you're feeling uncertain or questioning the "whys" in your life. Or on those days when life feels meaningless. Even if you're not in the mood when you start, as you thank God for the gifts and blessings already yours, your heart will feel lighter. 

    Consider this one of the ways to "Stir up what you got!"

    Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.    2 Timothy 1:6-7   NKJV

    Still learning, always,

    Lenore

     

    Still good advice: “Stir up whatcha got!”

  • "What's your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness?"

    Blog. Two women. kitchen. 10.17That question stumps many of us, at least for awhile.

    Professional counselors tell us that most personality traits have two sides, just as coins do.  

    But there's more to this truth:

    Neither our strengths nor our weaknesses are all good or all bad.

    I learned this first-hand when a good friend and I agreed to co-chair a women's event. 

    Everyone admired "Sue" for her faith, her cheerful attitude and her efficiency. (Okay, the truth is we envied her these strengths.) To the rest of us, this lovely woman "had it all together" in every area of her life.  

    Working with a saint

    Sue and I were friends and I liked her a lot, but I secretly felt a bit intimidated and uncomfortable around her. She came as close as anyone I could think of to being a Proverbs 31 woman. 

    In short, Sue was everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be and kept resolving to be, but never quite achieved.  

    No wonder I so often viewed her as "right" and myself as "wrong." 

    Now we two Christian women were to work as a pair. Well, why not? We were adults and we might even be a perfect match, right?

    Wrong. We drove each other slightly nuts

    Sue wanted to nail down all details four months ahead of time. I considered that way too early and typically responded, “Don’t worry. It will all come together.”

    I enjoy last-minute inspirations and the surprises that come when something “works out.”

    Master planner Sue found that a foreign concept. She couldn't rest until her multiple lists had every single box checked. Only then could she feel confident the event would go without a hiccup. 

    After awhile I gave up trying to put her off and adapted to her style of planning. Before long we had planned every detail and lined up people for every task, with months to spare. 

    Sue's frown lines eased and so did mine. It felt good to have every minute of the event planned, so good I vowed–again–to mend my evil ways. 

    The great day arrives

    We arrived early, both of us certain everything about the big day would go smoothly.

    Enter Reality, a.k.a., the usual glitches that accompany any big event.

    People who agreed to bring this or that arrived empty-handed. Others who were scheduled to handle various tasks never showed–and they hadn't called with an excuse.  

    To my great surprise, Sue could not adjust. She froze, except when she sputtered. It was as if she couldn't think how to function and deal with the moment. 

    I, the last-minute type, quickly came up with a Plan B and found substitutes for people who didn't show. I sent others to quickly purchase what was missing.

    That day I simply did what needed to be done, as always, and no big deal. No one seemed to notice anything missing.

    Breakthrough!

    It sounds strange but that day became a gift to me. For as long as I could remember I had prayed to "be more organized," but never managed it for more than a week or two. 

    I previously viewed Sue as a sort of poster child for being in control and I admired her.

    Now I saw the downside of her more orderly personality. She had to plan and had to stay on schedule or be flummoxed.  

    I'm the opposite, always ready to interrupt what I'm doing to listen and I'm quick to adapt. That's good, but being easily distracted gets in the way of finishing what I start.

    Could my natural approach to life–which I labeled "disorganized" and saw as a weakness–be in its own way a strength? 

    Every personality type has both strengths and weaknesses

    This truth pours balm on marriage and family relationships and can help defuse tensions on the job.

    First we pray to see other people and ourselves as we are. That may take awhile, because growing always does.

    Eventually we realize that it's okay for them and for us to be who we are.   

    Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.  –Romans 15:7  NIV

    Consider it one small step for peace with others–and with ourselves. 

    God makes us one-of-a-kind, remember?

    As usual, the Apostle Paul gives us wise counsel.  

    In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. … Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. … And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. –Romans 12:6 LNT; Colossians 3:12-14  NIV 

    Let's not settle for "live and let live." That's too shallow and we miss too much.

    May we learn to appreciate the people in our lives and their individual strengths–and extend the same courtesy to ourselves.  

    Most of all let's rejoice that God made each of us. As we are. For a purpose. 

    Still learning,  

    Lenore      

     

    Discover your pluses