Category: Strong-willed Child

Let's face it. Some children simply refuse to give in–or give up.

A friend remarked, "My two brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the specific words they used," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

I remember doing exactly that, thinking it sounded more kind and loving and reasonable. Now I know all it does is confuse and water down what we say.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents.

This careful study enables our children to know exactly how far they can go with each parent. They know which one is more likely to be swayed by pleading and which one needs all the facts–and time–before saying, "Yes."

It's a bit shocking–but accurate–that we train our kids to know how far they can push us.

Personalities play a part

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if their mission in life is to oppose whatever Mom or Dad say.

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you saying, "That's all well and good, but this being in charge role doesn't fit my personality and it's really hard for me. How do I get through today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents.

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow–and don't allow–makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully.

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.

Within those reliable limits our children can relax and run free.

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is any parent's biggest challenge.)

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today–or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell.

Just remember that we are the grownups in the family and that's our job.

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we are to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day.

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . . Colossians 3:12-13a

Parenting roles change over the years

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection.

As our children get older we still keep a watchful eye, but our role gets more subtle, Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background so each child gains confidence that they can handle whatever they're trying to do.

All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, yes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, although they will argue the point over and over and over. Most of the time they avoid saying they need us and feel safer because we're watching our for them.

Nevertheless, it's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Being a parent and watching our children grow into themselves is deep-down satisfying. I believe it's the most important thing we could ever do because we are raising human beings.

But parenting is never a picnic. It isn't meant to be. Raising our children is it's a growth-and-development project for us as individuals, too. Being a parent changes us, makes us wiser and stronger and more understanding of human nature.

(Is it any wonder that we Christian parents so often feel inadequate and frequently ask Jesus to guide us and help us?)

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. ESV

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made you to be–and enjoying it!

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Ever wondered why our kids so often push us to the edge?

July 30, 2021
A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing–and continuing to believe–that staying married for life is possible.

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life.

It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together.

Focusing on your mutual goal(s)–and letting petty annoyances go.

Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort–and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops.

Then we knew we were lucky–and blessed–to find each other.

Now we know we are lucky–and blessed–to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life–and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together.

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

It's not up to our husband–or wife–to make us happy
Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.

Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness
Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?

News flash: Males and females think differently
This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he … ?" or "Why can't she … ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat.

Learning to communicate–and really listen to each other–takes time–but it's worth it
Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.

Mutual trust is like gold
Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?

Relationships thrive on authenticity
Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."

Simple kindness makes life better for both
We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives–and our own.

Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)

A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?

Praying for you,

Lenore
What does it take to stay married?

April 3, 2019
If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad."

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now

God gave you each child–and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk.

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome–and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience–and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers.

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant?

Probably not.

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

Even if it's not your style, take charge–while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)

When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" –unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.

Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. –Proverbs 15:1

Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)

Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.)

Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child–the character traits that drive you crazy now–can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother–or father–for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.

With love,

Lenore
Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

March 20, 2019