Tag: Marriage

Have you ever thought that you and your mate are walking adverts?

If you’ve been married awhile and still clearly enjoy being together it’s as if you’re wearing signboards that say, “Staying Married Is Great!”

You probably don’t realize it, but you are a mystery to many. Here you are, real people living out your real life together, with all life’s challenges. And happy!

How does that happen?

I’m no expert, but this “formula” is the best capsule advice I’ve ever heard: One day at a time you decide again to love each other.

Decide even though love is not an always-constant emotion. (Ask any long-married couple.) Rather, it ebbs and flows like the ocean, with high tides and low tides.

Isn’t it tragic that marriages often break up because one spouse bails out at low tide?

What enables a couple to “keep on, keepin’ on”?

For a marriage to endure it takes a willing husband and a willing wife.

Willing to forgive.

Willing to work through the tough stuff of life together.

Willing to keep at it and try again. And again. And again.

When you hit a rough spot there’s no wiser counsel than this:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Everybody has “issues.” Get over it

For toddlers it’s normal to have a mindset of, “I, me and mine”.

That has to go if you want to grow stronger together. What nurtures a marriage is for both partners to think in terms of “you,” “we,” “us,” and “our.”

Within a healthy marriage or family, give-and-take is standard behavior–without keeping score. If one always “wins,” eventually the one who always “loses” gets tired of it. That goes away when we give up picking out faults and make it a habit to look for and praise each other’s strengths.

Can we fail and still be worthy of love? Yes, if we’re willing to leave behind old hurts and regrets and to regard each day as a new beginning.

Confessing faults and asking God for help makes all the difference. As usual, the Bible tells us how to thrive in any relationship:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Just “being there” counts

Day after day you are there. That by itself communicates love and strength. Each time you hit a snag and come through it together your sense of oneness grows stronger.

What’s more, you give your kids a gift beyond price. They will know the balance of having a mom and a dad. Moms provide the, “Oh, be careful! You could get hurt!”

Dads say, “Aw, you’ll be fine. Go for it!”

Children do best when they grow up with that mix of caution and daring.

Together you model to your children that you value your marriage and your family as worth what it takes to keep it all going. You give your kids an example of how to live when they marry.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:11

You bless the people around you, too, the silent watchers

Some may be disillusioned and uncertain about marriage because they tried it and ended up divorced. Singles often hesitate to risk marriage because they consider divorce inevitable, so why bother?

Just by being who you are, you’re already equipped to be an encourager.

Let your happiness together show, but don’t gloat. Now and then you may want to share some of your struggles, but don’t stop there.

Something like, “My husband (or wife) and I couldn’t make it if we didn’t know we can lean on the Lord” can be a lifeline to another person or another couple.

Remind yourself often what’s going right in your marriage, your family and your life

Let yourselves rejoice in it. Otherwise you risk getting caught up in everyday ups and downs and losing sight of the fact that you are blessed.

Focus on what is good and right and true and your marriage will grow stronger everyday.

And don’t forget to thank God for your husband or wife and pray that He will bless you with many good years together.

With love,

Lenore

What Makes A Marriage Last?

August 20, 2025
Do you remember the sparkle of when you first fell in love?

You couldn't stop smiling because you knew a secret: Somebody loved you!

It felt magical. Your somebody "got you," seemed to understand you. You felt better about yourself and about life and the future.

"Happily ever after" all at once seemed attainable and you wanted it.

Then came reality. Making a life together dimmed the dream and those secret smiles faded. Life's daily demands seemed to smoosh out the joy of being together.

One thing about sharing a life is it strips away illusions and "little quirks" begin to feel like a permanent pebble in one's shoe. Recitals of "This is what drives me crazy about you" come up so frequently that they can sound like a battle cry.

Sometimes a couple reaches the point where it seems that's all that's left between them.

Children can provide a smoke screen

Many parents sincerely want their children to feel absolutely secure in their parents' love. They aim to make home the place where never is heard a discouraging word and the clapping for each child's achievements, big or small, never stops.

Their personal conversations revolve around their child or children because, well, what could be more worthwhile?

The problem is this can suck up all their energy and concentration, leaving only leftovers for their marriage relationship. Eventually one or both discovers that it is possible to feel all alone, even while surrounded by the noisy hubbub of family life.

When happens between this husband and wife when their children grow up and move on to lives of their own? What will they have left between them?

Perhaps only then do they dare to look deeper into their hearts. One or both spouses may feel there's not enough love and mutual desire to rebuild their relationship, so why bother to try?

Many marriage counselors now believe this accounts for the high divorce rates among older adults, a.k.a., "gray divorce."

One wise older friend observed, "Divorce? Never! What I've noticed is that whatever their ages, every new couple has to adjust and work through the same basic issues. Why would I want to go through all that again?

Ways to short-circuit all that angst

Married or single, once in awhile it's good to stop what we're doing for a moment and really think about our life.

What do we as human beings need, especially from a marriage partner? Here's one good definition:

Someone who values us for who we are.

One who sees our good qualities–as well as our flaws.

A person who loves us just as we are. Period.

Most brides and grooms believe they've found just that. As the years pass it may get fogged over, but most likely, it's still there.

No better time exists to recover what you had. Find a setting that works for you both. Long lunches at a favorite place. Date nights. Periodic weekends for the two of you. Whatever brings back your smiles. The point is to have time to concentrate on each other without interruption.

Once in awhile talk about the three points mentioned above and explore together how close you come to giving each other this kind of love.

From there move on to how do we make this our reality?

This is not meant to be a tedious examination. Rather, think of it as staying current on what your partner needs now. (People change, you know.) Brainstorm how you can work together to make your marriage stronger and more fun.

A simple practice that can change a marriage

One friend says what keeps them close is always reconnecting when they come home from work. They've made it their family practice to provide a snack ready for hungry kids and permit them to watch an agreed-upon (rare) TV program. In other words, make it a reward for everyone.

Then she and her husband adjourn to a quiet corner and talk about their day. For half an hour or so they change off listening as the other one talks. They hug and cuddle. Often they pray together.

In those few moments the daily tensions fade and they remember again who they are.

Once again they are two people in love who are for each other, no matter what.

By then their youngsters will have calmed down from their day, too.

Only then do they start prepping their evening meal. Will dinner be a bit late? Yes. Will there be homework waiting? Probably.

But nobody minds, because everyone is more relaxed.

Her advice? "This precious daily treat costs nothing, but it means everything to my husband and me. It enables us to reconnect and remember that we can handle whatever comes because we have each other. Our kids don't say so very often but we know they like it, too. They've even told us it helps them know that we'll stay married."

Good advice for every one of us

Reconnecting–with people we love and with God–is essential if we're to hang on to joy and live fully the life He has given us.

When a youngster's mom and dad make time for each other they model how to make a marriage thrive and keep love alive.

Another important lesson kids learn is they are not the center of the universe.

That's an indispensable aid to navigating smoothly in the world at any age, whether at school or when they live apart from dear old Mom and Dad.

For individuals who live alone, many of the same principles apply. It's well worth the effort to put time and effort into developing and nurturing friendships and spending time together. The friendship and love of others enrich one's life. Period.

Love grows and people grow

One more factor enters in and that's faith in God. When that's the foundation on which we build, we build on bedrock that can stand firm despite the winds and storms life throws at us. If you're looking for Truth to keep you strong, here's are some verses well-loved by many:

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7

Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love … Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  Ephesians 4:2, 32

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

With love and prayers for you, my friend,

Lenore

Love, love, love … Don’t let the magic seep away!

February 10, 2023
Just as Rome wasn't built in a day or two, neither is a marriage.

Every marriage partner longs to have a happy marriage. But how?

When my husband and I married we were crazy in love and we trusted God, so it seemed logical to expect that every day would be pure joy. After all, what more could it take?

Then came babies.

And bills.

And life.

It shouldn't have surprised us that we two opposite personality types experienced occasional times of strain.

Yet, somehow they did.

Blame it on those pesky dailies of life

We loved each other and our children dearly and yet ….

Over time the daily grind seemed to be grinding me down. Eventually I lapsed into "Dear Abby" wails:

"We don't communicate. You never talk to me anymore."

"You never listen to anything I say. You nod your head, but you tune me out."

"We never go anywhere alone. We need a regular date night."

Etc. (Don't miss how often I said "never." Not true, of course.)

My agreeable husband would say, "Sure," and we'd try this idea and then that. For a day or a week or a month.

Then we would settle back into our old routine.

A graph of our marriage would have shown off-the-chart happiness highs, as well as low times of feeling distant. We knew real life gets in the way of living out an all-smiles romance movie life. All along we both knew our marriage was above-average good.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help longing for a bit more, um, excitement. (Did I mention I'm a romantic?)

To be clear, I never wanted out of my marriage. I guess I just expected it to fill my every need.

Finding out it's not about me

I got my eyes opened in a women's Bible study group. We always began by sharing our needs and praying for each other, feeling safe because every week we all pledged to maintain confidentiality.

One day "Sue" tearfully voiced her heartache about struggles in her marriage.

Then "Laura," an older woman, said, "Don't give up. I know from experience that God can make all things new. For years my husband and I had a solid, ho-hum marriage, but I wanted more. Over time God transformed our marriage."

By then the room was so still we could hear our breathing.

"I always knew God could make our marriage better–if He chose–so every day I prayed. And prayed. And kept imploring God to change the man I married and make him the husband of my dreams.

"One day I heard the Lord's still, small voice within me asking, 'What about you?'

"All at once I felt tears running down my cheeks

"I can't say how, but right away I understood I had become way too self-absorbed. I fell into the habit of overlooking my husband's many good qualities and fastening only on what I needed. That day I confessed to God how I wasted months, even years, feeling sorry for myself.

"Finally I prayed, 'Thank you, Lord, for my husband, who loves me. Please make me the wife he needs me to be.'

"This became my daily prayer."

Laura went on, "When my husband came home from work he had a different wife. One who grabbed him and told him over and over how much she loved him.

"I didn't stop there. I made it a habit to tell him at least once a day that I appreciated him. Instead of griping I praised the good in him. It wasn't long before he responded by becoming more loving and thoughtful toward me, too.

"It wasn't me, it was God at work in our marriage–and in me.

"Now I can honestly say I have the marriage I always wanted and we've never been happier together."

Because one woman risked being honest and sharing her story of God's faithfulness, none of us left the same as we were when we came. In the weeks that followed other women told their stories of how God changed them–and their marriages.

By no coincidence we were studying Matthew 7

The day when Laura opened up I drove home with verse 7 drumming in my mind:

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

I couldn't hide from the truth: I had been living with a plank in my eye.

That day I resolved to follow my friend's example and prayed that same prayer.

I confess it felt scary, as if I would "lose" something, maybe become a doormat.

That never happened. Instead my husband's and my marriage relationship became richer and we grew closer. Deeper. Each of us knew the peace and confidence that grew out of being married to our best friend and supporter.

It's all about loving your neighbor

Jesus said in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength … The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." NIV

Remember, there's no closer "neighbor" than your spouse.

Jesus also said in Luke 6:31:

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." NIV

That sounds simple, doesn't it? But it does not imply living our faith at home is easy.

How could it be? Our society is me-centered and so is our human nature. By contrast, marriage involves two, plus their children.

Christian living and loving means putting the other(s) first. The mystery in marriage is that this kind of love does not diminish oneself–or each other. Rather, it frees each one to blossom and grow stronger.

Consider it the way to live, because it does indeed put more joy into our lives.

Let's do it, friends!

Lenore
How to put more joy in your marriage

October 8, 2022
Perhaps the better question is, "How are you treating life?"

That is, what label do we paste on our days?

We seldom realize that's what we're doing, but it's true–and it becomes a habit.

A bad habit, because it gets easier and easier to fixate on what's "wrong" and subsequently miss what's right. (Or am I the only one who ever does that?)

This colors how we look at everything, maybe most of all, the people in our lives.

Finding fault and complaining starts early. Think how siblings squabble and wail, "It's my turn."

Nobody has to teach kids that annoying practice. Isn't it odd how that kind of attitude seems to lurk within each of us?

The angst of the younger generation ramps up in the teenage years, with endless complaints to parents: "You always …" or "You never … "

During those years children and teens could not fathom the internal struggles a mother or father feels. All along they live with uncertainty, nobody ever certain they are "doing it right."

Labeling saves time

Think about it. Once we label a person we don't have to think. We just plug in what we always "knew" about them–or thought we did.

Those old impressions lodge in our minds and too often we won't let go. It's more comfortable to hang onto old thinking than to take a fresh look. At ourselves.

This same pitfall dogs married couples. The person we fell in love with and married turns out to have a few faults. Yet that's the one who stays and keeps on loving us through all the highs and lows, the good times and the hard times–which happen to everyone, by the way.

Even those we judge to "have it all together."

Cause for celebration

If we're honest, at times any one of us is not that easy to live with–even in a strong marriage. True?

But do we celebrate? Nope. More often we nag and nit-pick about small habits that bug us. We whine that we don't feel appreciated for who we are and how much we give and we are the ones who deserve to be celebrated.

(How do I know this? Do you need to ask?)

We may exhibit selective sight with our adult children, as well. We focus on all the ways they need to change but remain blind to their strengths and good points. As for praise, forget about it, because we know they could do better.

Often our Inner Critic carries that over into all of life

We pick out things we wish were different and easily ignore what's good. We look "over there" for happiness and forget to look at what and who is right there in front of us.

Most of all we forget to look within ourselves.

Too often I would have to plead guilty. How about you?

But hey, old habits are hard to break. Right?

Time for a change

I've never forgotten one sermon that jolted me out of that rut.

Our pastor had the ushers hand out index cards and told us that he had found a short formula to be helpful in his life because it opened the eyes of his heart. That Sunday he decided to pass it on to us.

He suggested an experiment. Starting that day each of us was to promise ourselves to make this our personal practice. No questions would be asked. No reports of progress or lack thereof. This was to be personal.

His "formula" stuck in my memory because it's uncomplicated and short. I wrote it on an index card and taped it to my bathroom mirror as a reminder.

Did it bless my life? Yes it did, although I confess sometimes I slipped up often and some days didn't remember to try.

Here's the simple formula:

1. Leave the past at the cross of Jesus Christ, once and for all.

2. See the good.

3. Speak the good.

4. Ask God to develop this attitude within me.

U-turn required

Whatever the date and time or stage of life we're in right now, it's worth giving it a fair trial, don't you think?

According to the news and the "experts" it sounds as if everything is up for grabs. Some of us feel we're floundering and just hanging on from day to day.

This simple formula sorts out what matters most in making a good life. It reveals the emptiness of the flotsam we're flooded with every day, on every side. It reminds us to stay on track by fixing our attention on what we as individuals can control.

This list serves us in the same way a level serves a carpenter: It helps us stay balanced, today and in the future.

You and I cannot change the world, but we change our world

Living by that pastor's formula takes us a long way toward that goal.

For specifics, many people hold up the Proverbs 31 woman as an example of how we should live. I believe most of those principles apply to both sexes in a general way.

If the criteria in that chapter sound too daunting, focus on verse 26 for starters.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

Doesn't that make a worthy checklist for both women and men?

It's not hard to see how speaking kindness and appreciation would add life and light to our lives–and the lives of our spouse, our children and the people around us. This is doable for any of us.

Whatever our age or life situation, one truth applies to every one of us:

God gives us life. It's up to us how we live it.

Here's to being good learners,

Lenore

A question only you can answer: How is Life Treating You?

May 17, 2022
Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.

Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated.

I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but ….

I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day.

Trying to shift gears for my day

I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning
How wearily all the day
the words unkind
would trouble my mind, that
I said when you went away;
I would have been more careful, darling;
nor given you needless pain;
But we vex our own
with a look and tone
We may never take back again.

For though in the quiet evening
You may give me the kiss of peace;
Yet, it might be, that never for me
The pain of the heart may cease.

How many go forth in the morning
and never come home at night,
and hearts have broken
for harsh words spoken

That sorrow can never set right.

–Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Before I got to the end . . .

Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!"

Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.

As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.

That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."

Truths more lasting than any poem

These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well.

[Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

When my husband and I reunited later that day . . .

I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

Small insights can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days.

As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other–and with ourselves–even though we thought we already were.

You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think–and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.

Fruit that is sweet.

May it do the same for you, my friend,

Lenore

For those days when home life feels bumpy

October 6, 2021
Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him–or her–happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds.

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.

No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions.

Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish.

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect.

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think–or care–about the needs of our husband or wife.

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time–or energy–for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak–kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice:

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives.

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

God before we

We before you

You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

This much I know for sure

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always,

Lenore
Build a lasting marriage on “we” instead of “me”

February 11, 2021
Television interviews and articles on marriage can plant the belief if two people are right for each other, their marriage will be perfect.

Consider that an example of faulty reasoning.

Or buying into someone else's notion of what a marriage should be.

Proceed carefully to avoid getting stuck in that patch of quicksand.

Substitute this foundation truth instead, whether you're single or married, rich or perpetually cash-strapped:

Nobody's life is perfect.

No marriage is perfect.

How could it be when no living human being is perfect?

What's true is this: There's no one like you–or your spouse

Whomever one marries comes equipped with:

a distinct personality

unique strengths and weaknesses

an individual outlook on life

beliefs that may differ

Instead of viewing this as a problem, what if we saw it as a strength?

Such differences can mean that together, the couple is stronger, more complete than either one is on their own.

Still, meshing two lives–even when wife and husband are well-matched–-can be a long, delicate process.

Patience and good humor go a long way to smooth out the inevitable bumps and rough spots.

Marriage in real life

There's no prescribed pattern to what makes for a happy marriage. Marriages are as different as the people in them.

Even the strongest marriages usually display a pattern of happy periods interspersed with times when the relationship is a bit strained and needs special attention.

It's no accident that the traditional marriage vows contain the phrase, "as long as we both shall live." In one's marriage relationship and as individuals, we keep growing and changing over a lifetime.

If we obsess over the troublesome patches in our marriage relationship we too often cheat ourselves out of what could be happy times.

Wisdom from a pro

I heard a counselor speak–sorry, I forgot his name–who works with married couples. He advises couples to picture their marriage relationship as a living thing the two of them created. Together.

A living thing as much in need of tender, watchful care as an infant.

Then he asks, "How would you keep this living thing healthy?" and "How would you care for it if it were ailing?"

Here are two of his main points:

Every living thing needs regular tending and nurturing to keep it alive. So does a marriage.

Think of regularly spending time together and really listening to each other as the "water" and "food" your marriage needs to stay healthy and thrive.

Can we keep it simple?

Absolutely. For starters, make it a priority to ask each other, "How's it going for you?" at least once a day.

Then be sure to listen to the answer. Try to make this a daily practice, free of distractions like cell phones and the TV.

If you think this couldn't make a difference, ask the couples (and families) who live by this. Most find it pays rich dividends and nourishes love because each one knows the other(s) cares.

Taking this small amount of consideration as an essential part of every day proves to the other person that you value them and love them. Not if. Not when. But now.

Plug in to the power

Life is complicated! How can we find the right focus for our days?

Many think these verses sum up the essentials for a happy life and a happy marriage:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. –Philippians 4:8 NIV

And now just as you trusted Christ to save you, trust Him, too, for each day's problems; live in vital union with Him. Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him. See that you go on growing in the Lord, and become strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with joy and thanksgiving for all He has done. –Colossians 2:6-7 TLB

It's been true since the beginning: As we think in our hearts, so are we.

That's good news! It means we can choose to think rightly and concentrate on building a strong, growing marriage–and life.

And that makes all the difference.

With love,

Lenore
Forget the “perfect marriage” myth and be happier

August 13, 2020
Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.

Here's what I wish I had said to her.

For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.

The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.

Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other.

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

The typical male does not share that perception.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

Even with our husband or wife.

Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

"We," not "I"

"Us," not "me"

"Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.

Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood the test of time.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore
What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?

November 27, 2019
A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing–and continuing to believe–that staying married for life is possible.

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life.

It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together.

Focusing on your mutual goal(s)–and letting petty annoyances go.

Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort–and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops.

Then we knew we were lucky–and blessed–to find each other.

Now we know we are lucky–and blessed–to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life–and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together.

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

It's not up to our husband–or wife–to make us happy
Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.

Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness
Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?

News flash: Males and females think differently
This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he … ?" or "Why can't she … ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat.

Learning to communicate–and really listen to each other–takes time–but it's worth it
Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.

Mutual trust is like gold
Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?

Relationships thrive on authenticity
Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."

Simple kindness makes life better for both
We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives–and our own.

Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)

A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?

Praying for you,

Lenore
What does it take to stay married?

April 3, 2019
Poet Ogden Nash penned a short rhyme that's good advice for every wife and husband.

    To keep your marriage brimming

    With love in the loving cup,

    Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

    Whenever you're right, shut up.

My husband and I have been married for many decades and let's just say we've proven Nash is right enough times to know it's true.

Years ago I found another good piece on marriage. Sorry, I don't know who wrote it.

Practical Ways to Grow a Marriage

Never both be angry at the same time.

Never talk at one another, either alone or in company.

Never speak loudly to one another, unless the house is on fire.

Let each one put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own.

Never taunt with a past mistake.

Neglect the whole world rather than one another.

Never part for a day without loving words to remember.

Never make a mean remark at the expense of the other.

Never meet without a loving welcome.

Never let the sun go down upon any anger or grievance.

Never forget the happy hours of early love.

Never forget that God instituted marriage and His blessing alone can make it what it should be.

Remember to pray for God's blessing–and enabling.

That list makes us cringe, doesn't it?

We think, "No one could live up to all that!"

True, no one can, not perfectly. But if we tried, couldn't it ramp up our joy in our marriages? (Basic rule of human relationships: We get back what we give out.)

So let's consider this more of a checklist for growth–and prayer. Some may think it's useless to pray because their marriage is too full of hurt and disappointment. They have no love left to give.

Then it's time to recall Matthew 19:26:

But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (KJV)

No human being is hopeless. No marriage, no relationship is too far gone for God's healing

Even when love feels dry and dusty. Even when we think love has died.

Here's why, from 1 John 4:7:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.

That's good news, because what bride and groom really understand what they're pledging when they vow to love for life?

To promise is easy. To live out those promises 24/7, ah, that's the hard part.

We were two kids, so in love and so idealistic–and so clueless. Years of doing life together taught us the deep meaning contained in those familiar words: "…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part."

You see, by now we've experienced something of every word except, thank God, for "until death do us part."

Love is a daily decision

One of the most useful principles we learned in Marriage Encounter was, "Love is not just an emotion. Love is a daily decision."

So we decide again. And pray again. And thank God again. And begin again. It's an endless cycle.

And so we make it through life, day by day, and our love grows deeper, too.

By this time we can look back and see the lasting value of what we've built. Together. A happy marriage, a living creation that keeps growing and changing over the years.

And so do we, as individuals and as people of faith.

Lovingly,

Lenore
How to keep the love brimming in your “loving cup”

February 2, 2019