If you’re a frequent reader you already know I have a somewhat quirky mind. That’s probably why I like this Einstein quote:
“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”
The first time I read those words I laughed, but then their logic hit me.
It seems clear to me that Einstein was talking about people, not fish. His wisdom applies to each of us in our relationships–and to our children, at any age, any stage of life.
Think about it. Don’t we often judge people by what we expect of them, rather than by what they’re capable of?
Even people we love?
I remember hearing a long-ago radio profile piece that celebrated the late Frank Loesser, a beloved composer and lyricist, which made me think of Einstein’s quote.
You may be asking yourself, WHO? He’s one of those famous people whose name most of us never paid attention to. Loesser composed over 700 tunes, many of them featured in Broadway musicals and in more than 60 movies. He died in the last century, but his music lives on.
You’ve heard his songs if you ever viewed movies like Guys and Dolls or How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, to name just two. As for specific songs, a few of the most popular are, “I Don’t Want to Walk Without You, Baby”; “Standing On A Corner, Watching All the Girls Go By”; “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”; “If I Were A Bell, I Would Ring It”; and on and on.
Frank Loesser’s parents must have been bursting with pride. Right?
Well, not quite
Music reigned supreme in the Loesser family and Frank’s father was a professional pianist. Young Frank, although musically gifted, did not live up to parental expectations. He enrolled in New York’s City College but dropped out after just a year. He tried a number of jobs, then finally ended up performing in a night club with a singer.
A night club. As you might guess, this did not fit his parents’ expectations.
Big brother, Arthur, aka, the “good son,” fit the family mold perfectly. He gave numerous piano concerts and recitals, then taught at the well-respected Cleveland Institute of Music and went on to become head of the piano department.
Arthur considered his younger brother the black sheep of the family. He dismissed Frank’s remarkable achievements as “lowbrow” music, hardly worthy of being called “music.” Apparently he never wavered from that view.
Big-name performers were singing his songs and people all over America loved his music, yet none of that quite filled the void within Frank Loesser.
Deep down he always knew he failed to meet his family’s standards.
There’s a caution here for all of us
You and I may not go to the same extremes, but we easily can fall into the same trap. All it takes is forming a mental picture of what our child, our spouse, or anyone else in our world should be.
The better way is to look for and applaud the individual’s God-given strengths and talents and allow them to be who they are. (Isn’t that what we want for ourselves?)
As always, it’s good to remind ourselves that God creates each of us one-of-a-kind–and isn’t that a wonderful thing? It’s as the psalmist said in Psalm 139:14:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. — NIV
We deny the truth of that verse when we conclude that a person isn’t making it because he or she doesn’t live up to our expectations. Whether or not we mean it to, that mindset comes through in our everyday interactions with that individual. Children and teens especially pick up on this, even if words of disappointment never are spoken out loud.
Think of it as a sort of deep undercurrent that undermines relationships, whether it’s husband and wife, parent and child, or with co-workers or neighbors.
Sometimes we do the same thing to ourselves
Count me in on that. I have a long list of “shoulds” for myself. Most are self-inflicted, but some were imposed by others. Or I thought they were.
Some have nothing to do with who I am or what I could actually do. Like many people, this never prevents me from raking myself over the coals of guilt for all the ways I “fail.”
So I have a couple of questions for you: Do you know any “fish” that find themselves being expected to climb trees? Do you ever get caught in this trap?
Albert Einstein wants to know.
Still and always learning,
Lenore
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