No doubt you’ve noticed that a lot of people are rather cynical about love and romance and marriage.
An overheard conversation between two women probably nails at least part of the reason why. The younger one said (too loudly to miss): “I know so many couples who have split up, I wonder if it’s even possible to stay married, much less to stay in love and be happy.”
Oh, how I wanted to break in on that conversation! If I had, I would have said, “Yes it is possible! I know it is!”
I would have shared what my husband and I learned over many decades of a strong and happy marriage.
ONE: Commit to your marriage relationship instead of to keeping track of who-gave-the-most-today
How does one do that? By deciding every day that you love and value the one you married–and saying so–often.
Like any living thing, your marriage relationship needs regular feeding and watering if it’s to grow strong and healthy–and stay that way.
Make–and keep–each other and your marriage your top priority.
That sounds too pie-in-the-sky, doesn’t It?
What about our jobs? And our kids? If we don’t work we don’t eat! Besides, who has time and energy for “staying connected”?
A friend cherishes the memory of how his parents managed it. Money was tight, so they found the most economical way to be sure their two boys were well cared for. The husband worked days, leaving early in the morning, and the wife worked the swing shift, usually until 11 pm.
“Johnny’s” small bedroom was off the kitchen and his door wouldn’t close tightly . He saw how every night his dad dozed on the couch or in a recliner until just before 11 pm. Then he would get up, put the coffeepot on and get out a snack. When his mom arrived home, tired from her shift as a nurse, the two would hug each other for a long time, then sit around the kitchen table sipping coffee and listening as each one recounted their day.
Johnny loved hearing the murmur of his parents’ voices. The times he peeked out, they would be sitting close, maybe holding hands.
Good times or bad times, Johnny and his brother knew one thing for sure: Their parents loved each other–and them–so they felt secure.
What if you hit a dry spell and wonder where the “magic” went?
It helps to stop dwelling on “what went wrong”. Deliberately turn your thoughts away and go back in your memory to when the two of you were dating and the emotions you felt. Even if they’ve been buried under the minutia of daily living, that doesn’t mean they died. Some wise person said, “Act the way you want to feel and soon you’ll feel the way you act,” and it’s still true.
Forget the idea of keeping score on who gave most or who kept up their end of the job list. Seven days a week each one gives and takes and adjusts, always knowing the balance will keep changing–depending on the needs of the moment.
Decide to put the good stuff in to your marriage. Leftover scraps of time and energy may keep your relationship alive, but is that all you want?
Be at least as watchful of what you feed your marriage as of what you feed your dog.
TWO: Talk to each other, keeping it honest and kind
“We don’t communicate” is a frequent complaint, usually from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, “What do you mean? We talk.”)
It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around, often independently.
It’s no wonder girls and women naturally seem more comfortable talking and opening up.
Besides, most of us hold back from letting anyone know “the real me” until we feel utterly safe. Even within a good marriage, building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process–and it is easily destroyed.
Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.
THREE: Love, first, last and always
Our role model? Jesus. He said, “Love one another as I have loved you,” (John 13:34.)
To follow his example as marriage partners means we willingly set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one “wins,” sometimes the other. Both partners know that whatever comes, each one can count on the other and together, they can handle whatever comes up.
When each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.
Good advice from the Apostle Paul
Paul keeps it simple as he counsels us how to live as God’s people, whether married or single:
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
Nobody’s perfect, but always, we have choices
Married or single, we can choose whom we listen to and whom we consider our role models. Those of us who are Christians tune our hearts to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood over the centuries.
Which will it be for you?
Wishing you joy in your life, always,
Lenore
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