Category: Family

If we grew up with a father who was present we were blessed

Nobody is perfect, but if he was there, we felt safe because whatever dangers might lurk in the shadows, we knew Daddy would protect us.

When he held our hand we would go with him wherever he might lead, no questions asked.

Jump off a roof? Sure.

Walk into a raging ocean? Absolutely. Daddy wouldn’t let anything harm us.

We thought he could do anything and answer any question we might ask.

Why, Daddy must be the smartest man in the whole wide world!

And then we grew up

Sometime during our teenage years we realized Daddy didn’t know everything. He wasn’t cool. What’s more, he seemed determined to spoil our fun with all his rules.

Over time we met new people and, as the cliché puts it, we “expanded our horizons.”

As we learned and grew we decided now we knew How Things Ought to Be.

This left us less impressed with Dear Old Dad. He was so out of it.

Comes the enlightenment

Eventually we became parents ourselves and suddenly we were the one(s) in charge. Whether our child (children) lived or died depended on us. Only then did we understand what every parent comes to know:

The only time any of us knows everything about rearing children is before we have any.

What’s more, parenting turned out to be way harder than we ever imagined.

We ached to be perfect parents, but life kept getting in the way. We wanted to be bright and cheery and understanding at all times, but we didn’t even come close. Sometimes we even yelled at our beautiful, innocent darlings.

Slowly we grasped the inescapable truth: We flesh-and-blood dads and moms do not have it in us to be perfect.

Neither did our fathers. (Or mothers.)

We couldn’t avoid the only logical conclusion: Most of them did the best they could with what they knew at the time.

Don’t–or didn’t–we all do the same?

If not before, now’s the time to be as compassionate and objective with our own fathers as we are with everyone else’s

Only then will we see the blessing in what seemed so ordinary.

Daddy was there. That made us feel secure because we knew we could count on him. Even if he couldn’t be present physically, we knew he was with us in his spirit and his heart.

We knew he loved us. We could see it in his smiles, even if he never uttered those three little words.

He loved our mom more than us–and we knew it. As Theodore Hesburgh said, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.”

Dad wasn’t perfect, but he tried. Somehow we understood he did the best he knew how and gave us what he could.

If our father believed in Jesus and tried to live out the Christian faith he set a solid example for us. Even when we took it for granted. Even when we didn’t appreciate it.

If your dad’s still breathing, tell him what he longs to hear

Tell him you love him now even more than when you were a child because you better understand what it cost him to be your father.

Replay a few happy memories with him and watch his face light up. Listen to the new lilt in his voice.

Let him know it matters that he lived. Now, while he can hear it.

If you’ve had “issues” with your dad, there is no better time to set aside who’s “right” and who’s “wrong.” Let it go and forgive mistakes of the past.

Lay your unrest at the cross and be amazed how much lighter you feel.

It may seem a small thing, but …

As long as your father lives, you will always be Daddy’s “little girl” or “little boy.”

This sounds like a cliché but take it from me, you’ll miss how that makes you feel.

Whatever your father’s age, inside he’s the same Daddy who lightly placed you on his strong shoulders and made you feel like the luckiest kid around.

Family love doesn’t always match our romanticized images, but it is love, just the same.

If you still can, speak your love. Let your love be a gift not reserved for just one day of the year. Give it freely and taste the reward of a heart at peace.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.    –-1 Peter 4:8 NIV

Praying you find JOY in your day-to-day,

Lenore
Why Dads Matter All 365 Days of The Year

June 12, 2025
Moms and dads don't need to sign up for personal growth classes because our "education" goes on and on. On the other hand, some don't quite get it. Right?

Picture the scene: the Misses Clothing department of a large suburban store.

I was looking through a sale rack when a nicely-dressed, thirtyish woman in stiletto heels came up. She was pushing a stroller at a leisurely pace, in which sat a boy, maybe age 2 1/2. He was in mid-meltdown.

She parked the stroller, then began serenely flipping through the rack next to me. Soon the little prisoner's screams reached a decibel level sufficient to attract the attention of everyone within 30 feet of them.

And it did.

The woman appeared oblivious and unhurried. During the next ten minutes or so she worked the racks. By now the boy's screams had settled into a continuous low-level roar, punctuated by whimpers.

Through it all she kept up a running line of questions, using one of those I-don't-really-expect-an-answer voices. "You've been so good all morning, Nelson. Why did you suddenly decide to be bad now? … Why do you think that is, Son? …  Nelson, explain to me, please, why you've been good for so long and now you're being bad. … Can you tell Mommy why, Nelson?"

After awhile they meandered on, the boy still yelling, the mother seeming not to notice.

All day I thought about that pair, sorry for the child, sad for the mom

Before long I remembered some of the countless times I was clueless when our daughters were growing up. (I'm sure their list is longer than mine.)

That's life. We all get caught up in situations and stumble through, doing the best we can with what we know at the time. I think it's called being human.

Fact: Moms have to shop, often with kids in tow. Not many children delight in sitting still in a stroller any time, anywhere. Especially for hours. Especially for shopping-with-Mom excursions. Period.

As parents we get so focused on our "must do" stuff that we forget little people are, well, little.

Sometimes it helps to offer a "carrot on the stick," a reward at the end

(Could we label that "incentive" rather than "bribe"? Thank you.)

Be sure to set up the conditions of your verbal contract and clearly state what's expected from both parties. Get their agreement before you start.

For example, if you must take everyone along on a shopping trip, tailor your outings and times to the tolerance levels of your young companions. Don't routinely take advantage by overstaying or your children won't believe you.

The deal is when they do their part, you live up to your promise. If they don't, you don't–and vice versa.

Otherwise you'll be teaching them how to manipulate people, especially you.

Rearing kids remains a continuing lesson in humility

We think we have all the answers. Or we should have. Yet we keep on learning we don't.

Count that as a blessing, a necessary stretching that keeps us flexible. For life. And that's a very good thing.

Here's a Bible verse that fits every family situation, whatever stage of parenting you may be in.

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Have a happy … every day of your life and God bless you!

Lenore

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May 11, 2024
It's no wonder so many people don't even try to eat together.

Ask busy parents you know and you'll likely hear something like this: "It's too hard to get everyone together–and keep them there. (Sigh.) Our lives are so busy that eating on the run is way easier."

Yet eating together is way more than sitting at a table and consuming food. Sharing a family meal symbolizes what we all long for, a deeper connection with those we love.

Sure, it's quicker to stop for fast food or hit the drive-through. Lots of us eat in our cars. Some of us eat takeout in front of our laptop or TV. In a multitasking life it seems, well, natural. Besides, at the end of a hectic day who wants to cook and clean up? After all, this is 2023.

Look from a different angle. We save time, yes, but we may lose what matters more.

For once, TV models the good stuff

I'm a longtime fan of the long-running hit TV show, "Blue Bloods" and I've always thought the best part of each episode is when their family comes together for Sunday dinner. Some years ago writer David Hitbrand looked into what attracts this show's consistently large audience. Here are a couple of quotes:

The sentimental majority opinion holds that it's the show's weekly dinner scene, during which four generations of Reagans — presided over by the patriarch (Len Cariou) — bicker, spar and celebrate one another.

"That scene is the favorite of so many people," says "Blue Bloods" executive producer, Leonard Goldberg. "Italian people, Jewish people, Greek people — they all say the same thing: 'That's my family.' "

Perhaps that's because the Reagans do more than eat together

As they prepare the meal and work together, then sit down at their huge dining table, they depict a healthy family in action.

They do a lot of one-on-one sharing in the kitchen.

They begin their meals with thanking God for their food and often, for each other.

They do "celebrate" each other. For any child or adult, there's something really sweet about having another family member praise us in front of the rest.

They talk and listen to each other with respect, even when they disagree. Younger family members participate, too. Sometimes an adult corrects a youngster or offers a principle to remember.

They leave the table reminded they are family, they are one.

Families are like branches on a tree. We grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one. –Anon

Building family bonds in our own homes

I know a couple that early on resolved to eat their evening meal together. They had to work around a crazy schedule, but were committed to staying tuned-in to how their children viewed their world. (You may be thinking, Aren't we all?)

Once they had talked it through they kicked off sharing daily "highs" and "lows" over dinner, not at all sure how it would come out. The basic premise was that each family member would name their best and worst points of the day–in as much detail as they liked. Mom and Dad spoke their joys and concerns, too–with discretion.

These normal children sometimes protested and could be moody or quiet. "Some nights they'd say, 'recess' for both their high and their low," the father says with a smile. "We never tried to talk them out of it because they lived their day at school, not us.

"We learned to listen with more sensitive ears and not jump in right away with advice or admonishment. Often it seemed nothing happened, but over time those highs and lows proved a wonderful tool. The proof of that is that when our children grew into adolescence they took over reminding us anytime we forgot to build in highs and lows. Now any time they come home on vacation they insist we get right back into it over dinner.

"Over the years our conversations became more meaningful and so did our prayers. Without question this daily sharing strengthened the love and closeness within our family."

No skills training needed

Just start–and be patient with yourselves. Aim to gather everyone around for one meal of every day, whichever works best for you. Keep it fancy or plain, serve sandwiches or steak, your choice–and yes, takeout or DoorDash is okay. Whatever works best for your family.

It helps to remember the goal is simply to establish a routine that helps draw your family closer. The resulting sense of connectedness can melt away a lot of strain.

(By the way, it works well for wives and husbands, too.)

Let love be your motivation and count on the love of God to make it grow. It's as the Apostle Paul wrote to his friends:

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 NIV

Or take Mother Teresa to heart:

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

Blessings to you,

Lenore
How eating together as a family pays lifetime dividends

April 13, 2023
Every parent knows the tone of voice that goes along with that refrain.

It's about as thrilling as fingernails dragging across a blackboard. What to do?

Our quartet often gave moving performances that caused me either to stifle my laughter or–after awhile–wish for a quickie way to quiet the mob.

I had none, so out of desperation more than anything, I came up with a standard reply. "You're bored? Oh, that's too bad. Here's what you'll need to clean the bathroom sink(s.) Go make it shine!"

Or, "Here, this broom should be the right size for you to use as you sweep the porch and sidewalks."

Or, "I just heard the clothes dryer signal that the towels are dry. Please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them."

You get the idea. After a day or two of such suggestions nobody complained of being bored.

I also discovered it boosts incentive to hold out the carrot of a reward when the chores are done. A trip to the park or ice cream treats can prove magical. Or try a family trip to your public library because kids still love being able to choose "their" books or whatever to bring home with them.

Be sure they see you reading, too. Often.

Creativity shines with enough free time

At our house we went for creativity more than toys and gadgets, so summer became a time when dreaming up concepts boomed. We always kept raw materials on hand like cardboard boxes of all sizes, assorted papers, crayons, colored pencils, markers, scraps of fabric, Mod Podge, glue, etc.

Trips to craft and discount stores and also yard sales yielded interesting cords and ribbon, pretty gift papers, paints, glitter, wooden boxes and frames, etc.

Was it messy? Sure. After the first time I proclaimed that our kingdom had a new never-break-it rule. From then on NO doing anything until old newspapers or an old plastic tablecloth or something like that had been put down on the work surface. (Was I ready to help with this? You betcha.)

All this costs almost nothing, but it's a great way for kids to experiment and have fun together.

Why bother, when cell phones and computers can keep kids occupied for hours?

Technology may be everywhere, but human nature–and kid nature–hasn't changed that much.

Creating still brings more satisfaction than consuming an endless stream of "stuff" on screens, some of it questionable. Besides, people still matter more than things. Don't your favorite family memories feature times when you did nothing much and just enjoyed being together?

This requires free time, which may require planning.

Scheduling each child for some activity every minute of every day eats up free time. Too much time watching TV, being on computers and cell phones does the same. We all need time to "just be."

That's why limiting time on phones and computers and enforcing time limits are important. (Yes, this inconveniences Mom and Dad, too, because as you no doubt discovered early on, we have to live what we preach or nobody pays attention to our words.)

Note: This will not earn you the title of "Miss Popularity."

Remember who you are

God gave you these children and you are in charge.

Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's also a privilege. You're helping shape the way these young human beings develop and grow.

Even if each child is a bona fide genius, you know better than they what counts most in getting them ready for life as well-rounded individuals.

As radical as it sounds in our times, research has shown that sometimes sports and various "enrichment" activities are not what each child in your family–or you, for that matter–needs most. They've been created one of a kind, remember?

Give each family member–and yourself–a gift. Look for ways to nurture their individual talents and skills.

Maybe what each family member needs most is some unprogrammed time to let down. At any age, reading a book or lying under a tree just for the sake of looking up at the sky is not "wasted time."

I promise you the world will not stop.

Being unscheduled is not the same as being bored

Summer offers a defined opportunity to try new things. Later you can decide what comes next. Or doesn't. Think of it as time to refuel and rediscover.

Both your children and you may be surprised to find that in the midst of "nothing happening," a lot of personal growth occurred–and none of you were bored.

For now, go with the rhythm of your days. Be quiet and rest. For right now, just be.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6 ESV

In quietness and in trust shall be your strength. Isaiah 30:15 ESV

Learning, too,

Lenore

One strategy to deal with the wail, “I am sooo bored!”

July 7, 2022
Sometimes God chooses unlikely ways to remind us we have a lot to be thankful for, doesn't He?

I won't forget the day I learned a lot by eavesdropping on someone else's conversation.

Let me explain.

One morning I stopped a local coffee shop and soon got jolted out of my private little pity party. (It wasn't much fun, anyway.)

The hostess seated me in a booth close to a table where two men seemed really intent on their conversation.

One man had a radio-announcer voice that carried, even though he spoke softly. I couldn't help overhearing and once he started talking I didn't want to miss a word. Besides, I wanted to finish my coffee and snack. I grabbed my trusty note pad and jotted down his key points.

Here's my best recap of his story

"I have one brother, the only family I have left. We've never been close, but we talked by phone once in awhile. We lived a couple hundred miles apart, so we didn't know much about each other's lives, but that was okay with both of us.

"One day I got a call from a Child Welfare worker in his city. She told me the police arrested my brother and his wife for dealing drugs. They took his three children out of the house and turned them over to Child Welfare.

"The social worker told me my brother's kids would go into foster care unless my wife and I took them. We were their only hope and she wanted an answer by the next day. I was speechless and my wife even more so. We talked and talked and cried and prayed half the night. At last we said Yes, thinking it would be short-term.

"Not so. Eventually my brother and his wife were convicted of running a drug ring and both got long prison sentences.

"It's been hard, hard, hard, even though we've talked to our pastor and friends many times and we've had family counseling. My 9-year old nephew adapted pretty well. My 11-year old niece keeps it all inside, but those two both call us Mom and Dad and really, that's what we are. We're the ones who are there and who will be there, and we love them. They all know that, even the 15-year old.

"She still has nightmares. She rebels in just about every way she can dream up, no matter what we do. We're coming to think perhaps what she needs most is beyond our ability, maybe some kind of special mental-health treatment for awhile, to help her heal.

"We've prayed and tried to pour out love, but we've also failed in a lot of ways. I think I didn't really know much about talking to God before this upheaval in our lives. One thing I know, we wouldn't have made it without God giving us strength, minute-by-minute. Sometimes we've thought we couldn't keep on, but God has brought us this far, so we trust Him for the future.

"Here's the wonderful surprise and extra blessing in all this. We missed seeing it for quite awhile. Then recently we thought back to the early days of our marriage when the doctors told us we never would have children of our own and we were crushed. Now here we are with three kids, two of them doing very well. Now we are at peace. In spite of all the pain, we have joy and we know we did the right thing."

As I rose to leave I glanced at the men and saw they both had tears in their eyes. They matched my own.

A change of heart

You won't be surprised to hear I walked out with a new perspective on challenges in my life, my heart brimming with thanks and praise.

Thanks for that man and his wife who opened their home and their hearts and changed the lives–and the future–of three hurting youngsters. (And their own.)

Thanks to God for supplying the love and strength they needed to give of themselves, day by day, and not count the cost.

Thanks that they can see the blessings and joy hidden within their daily sacrifices.

That conversation refocused my thinking in how to look at challenges in my life.

Like that couple, let's open our eyes to the joy!

The Apostle Paul well knew personal suffering but he also knew how to find joy. I love the way he sums up his secret in Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! … Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers (and sisters) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things . . . And the God of peace will be with you. (Selected from Phil. 4:4-9 NIV)

"Rejoice!" It's not a suggestion, it's more like a must. An attitude we choose.

"If anything is excellent or praiseworthy … " Paul is telling us that whatever comes we can search out some bit of excellence or cause for praise. IF we wear that mindset as we look for it rather than getting stuck in our problems and disappointments. IF we remind ourselves that our loving God never leaves us on our own.

We will find the good, not because we're so great, but because God is faithful to those who trust in Him.

Trusting, too,

Lenore
Why it helps us to remember what’s good and right and true

June 25, 2022
Sometimes a slight twist of our perspective leads to major changes.

That happened to my husband and me the week our entire family went to summer camp on the shore of Lake Michigan.

At the time we lived on and operated a dairy and grain farm, with all the constant responsibility that implies, plus we had four lively children.

Between cows and crops and kids, both of us were running on fumes by July and needed a break.

Needed time.

Needed to find each other again.

Then we heard of a long-established, well-respected Christian family camp. We could drive there from our Illinois farm.

And, oh bliss! Every day would offer age-appropriate programs and daytime activities for kids and teens, all supervised by well-screened youth counselors and leaders.

No cooking. No cleaning. No kids during most of the day, with family free time in the evenings. What's not to like?

Heaven on earth, here we come!

We arrived on a Sunday afternoon

Next morning we escorted our four girls to their age-appropriate activities, signed them in and walked away. They would be safe and have fun for the next 5 or 6 hours. Yippee!

That first day we two decided to "try out" the adult Bible study led by a pastor from the Northwest.

He started off with something like this. "Jesus told us to love our neighbors as ourselves. Let's think this through. Who is my closest neighbor?"

Silence for a moment.

Then he hooked us with these words. "Answer: Our families. Nobody is a closer neighbor than the people we live with and share a life with. Nobody more deserves to be treated kindly and considerately.

"After all, they're the ones who every day have to deal with us. Us, with our individual quirks and habits." (Laughter.)

Then he launched into lively personal examples. As always, I took notes.

His first illustration made me squirm

"Every morning when I'm ready to eat breakfast with my wife, I never know what to expect. Most of the time she's a sweetheart. But sometimes, blame it on PMS, or a dreary day or whatever, she sighs a lot, slams cupboard doors and bangs the dishes around. At our house, that's not a good sign."

(I didn't look at my husband and was glad he didn't give me the elbow.)

"So every morning I have a choice. Will I give back what she is giving out? Or will I, even on those mornings, remember that my call as a Christian is to love her?

"To love her even when I know I'm in for another tough day at work. Even if I'm not sure whether we can cover all the bills this month.

"My first call as a Christian husband is to love my wife. Period. And a Christian wife has the same call toward her husband."

You could have heard a pin drop in that packed auditorium

His simple words shot down every excuse and self-justification I could think of.

"You may wonder if this principle also applies to us as Christian parents," he said. "In one word: Yes.

"Parenting is hard!" (Applause all around the room.) "For those raising children on their own it's even harder, yet the challenge remains the same: To live out love unconditionally as best they can.

"My three children often charm me, irritate me, baffle me, embarrass me, disappoint me, bring me to tears. But it doesn't matter. That's all part of rearing these gifts of God.

"As their dad, my call is to keep on loving them through it all."

Each day our teacher opened his heart and helped us look deeper into living out our Christian faith and pointed out the many places the Bible says the Holy Spirit is our Helper.

His words were water on our dry, dusty hearts

Our wilted spirits slowly revived and bloomed again. The invisible distance between us melted and our usual oneness returned.

Did my husband and I immediately morph into ideal spouses who never again got impatient with each other? Not likely.

But we gained new understanding and turned a corner in our thinking. The last afternoon we promised each other we would do our best to live out love every day.

And over the years, we did, sometimes slipping and sliding along the way but hanging on.

Jesus knew we would find this a challenge

He tells us to "Love your neighbor as yourself."

"AS yourself."

That's the "ouch factor" in those words, isn't it? The one that sets us coming up with "Yeah, buts."

It gets easier when we remember what that study leader at Camp stressed over and over:

"Love" is more than an emotion. To live out love means to do what's loving–and this we control.

That surprised me then and it still does

Looking at love this way means we needn't first try to dredge up emotion from within ourselves. We don't have to feel loving to demonstrate love. To act in loving ways.

When we simply do what love calls for it's not long before our feelings match our actions.

But that's the point, isn't it? When Jesus told us to love he did not mean to love when we're in the mood and the rest of the time, forget it.

Let's keep the order straight

Jesus sums it up in Mark 12:30-31:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

After this comes:

The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us. 1 John 4:19 NIV

Along the way, let's be kind to ourselves, too. Sometimes we will fail and need to start over, simply because we're human beings. That's a good time to remind ourselves of this truth:

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 ESV

Our forgiveness in Christ means we are not condemned when we fall short of loving unconditionally. Instead, we are free to start over and go on, living our faith and growing stronger.

Best of all, we're not left on our own

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13 ESV

Let us rejoice and be glad!

Lenore

A fresh take on “Love your neighbor”

June 18, 2022
Have you ever identified with a fable or an old folk tale and been surprised by a flash of insight into your life? I have. I think this might be one of those.

The story goes that somehow an eagle's egg got mixed in with the chicken eggs in a nest.

The mama hen seemed not to notice. To her an egg was an egg. Period.

So she sat contentedly on her nest, waiting for THE day her eggs would hatch.

Finally, the time was right. In short order the chicks pecked their shells open and emerged looking a bit wobbly and confused, as is the way of baby chicks.

So did the fluffy, newly hatched eaglet, who looked around at the only world he knew, the world of chickens. So he walked like a chicken and ate what his chicky siblings ate and minded his own chicky business.

A grove of nearby trees towered into the skies and a pair of American eagles nested there. The growing eaglet often stopped scratching in the dirt to watch them come and go. He never tired of seeing those big birds circling overhead, their wide wings outstretched. Higher and higher they soared.

The eaglet thought, Oh, what it would be like to fly way up high like that? If only I could! But … I could never fly like that, not me. It's like Mama always tells me, "You're just a chicken, so don't even try. Just be happy as you are."

The young eagle tried, really he did, but he knew he didn't fit in, what with his long, gangly legs and that bulky body. He felt he didn't belong in that flock of chickens who spent their days scratching in the dirt. As Mama often said, that's what chickens do, so why wasn't that enough for him?

That left only one possibility: It had to be his fault.

No wonder he often asked himself, What's wrong with me? Why can't I be like the others and be happy?

After awhile the young eagle didn't even bother to look up. He gave up wishing for more and lived out his days with the chickens, never knowing he could fly.

What's more, he never even tried. Why bother? After all, his mama always told him he could not fly ….

Here's the point for you and me

Even when we're unaware of it, we each carry around old labels and messages that still influence how we see ourselves today.

If you doubt that, take a mental inventory. Think back to what your parents or teachers–or siblings–told you about you. Which messages helped you? Which ones do you still try to erase from that nagging sound track in your mind?

See what I mean?

View those memories from a different angle

Find a time to unpack those old messages and look at them with your present perspective. Not many of us grew up with abusive parents or in an extremely dysfunctional family. That makes it likely your parents loved you–at least in their minds.

Why not be kind and assume that what they said to you and how they parented you probably was the best they knew how to do at the time?

Instead of looking for reasons why somebody said this or that, why not let it go?

With that shift in place, you can choose to consider such incidents–whether once in awhile or a pattern–as part of your past but irrelevant to the person you are today.

What if it still hurts and no one seems to care?

First ask yourself if it's possible such things could serve as some sort of comfort, as if with that in place you know who you are.

This may sound illogical, but chew on it for awhile.

Counselors report they spot that frequently. For example, children of alcoholics "see themselves" as powerless to avoid addiction to alcohol. Why? Because that's what they grew up with, so for them, it's "normal."

Substitute whatever dysfunction you may have grown up around and ask yourself if someplace deep inside, you consider that to be your "natural fate."

Then ask yourself what sense it makes to stay stuck in old, dead-end thinking.

Start where you are and choose the better way

Those remarks that do not now (and perhaps never did) fit you? Decide to let them go and not dwell on them in the future. As that gets easier, they gradually will fade away.

Every time they resurface, don your "forgiveness filter" and substitute remembrances that make you smile.

Now take a fresh look at the adult you are today. Think about your life and the good qualities you know are present within you. Write them down so you can refer to it when old doubts resurface.

One thing more

Our children, whether our own or those we're around frequently, carry our words with them, too. For life.

News flash: Neither you nor I is perfect.

It's still good advice to "Think before you speak," even–or especially–with those we love.

Although we love our kids and do our best to parent wisely, inevitably, sometimes our words will sting and bother them, whether they're young or well into adulthood.

Some of us have learned to first ask ourselves, "Will my words bless or burn, now and in the future?"

Good words

Frequently name the good qualities you see in those you love. Let them know you're proud of them. Praying for them. Ready to talk any time.

Promise yourself that from now on your children will hear only words that bless them every time they recall what you said. Ask God to give you wisdom–and possibly, restraint–to do so.

Does this mean you never can voice an opinion? No. Having a solid foundation of love and mutual respect between you builds trust and loving openness. Just tread softly.

As always, the Bible points out the better way to live

Whether within your family or as an individual, here are three helps for all of us:

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:13

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

In Jesus, in love, it's never too late to make a new start.

From one still learning, here's to growing in love,

Lenore

Be sure you know the source of the labels you wear

April 22, 2022
Since nobody can find Mayberry, RFD on a map, why do so many of us long to go there?

Perhaps it's because we ache to live in a place where kindness and goodness look to be a way of life. For everyone. Every day.

We feel as if we know Sheriff Andy and Opie, Aunt Bee and Barney. They're our kind of people.

Or we wish they were.

Who can forget that whistled theme song? If you do a bit of online research you will find that Andy Griffith (Sheriff Andy) had an outsize influence over every episode. It's true that this show portrayed a simpler life, but it was never sappy.

Always, Andy role-modeled a loving, understanding father to his son, Opie. No wonder that many viewers from troubled families found solace in watching this TV show.

Each of us felt warmed by Aunt Bee's tender care. Observers have noted that many young people who watched the show lacked flesh-and-blood positive role models at home. They found them in Mayberry, which always illustrated a weekly dose of peace and stability.

That's been true since The Andy Griffith Show ran in the 1960s. It still is, even now. This show remains so popular it's still running–and may continue into the next generation.

Mayberry, RFD presents life as we wish it were

Oh sure, these Mayberry residents are kinda quirky, some more, some less. You might say they're a lot like you and me.

Still, we can tell these are good people because we watch how they talk to each other and treat each other. They have the usual ordinary problems and conflicts everyone has, but in Mayberry they always resolve them–kindly and with respect. Everyone learns a lesson and they remain friends. Smiling friends.

It's as if someone smoothed off the rough edges of daily life in Mayberry.

If we kept a list, it could include qualities like these:

Family strength and love

Mutual respect and fairness

Kindness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Honesty

Integrity

Faith in God

Does this list remind you of anything?

The Apostle Paul detailed the qualities that grow within us when Jesus lives in our hearts and the Holy Spirit increases our faith.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

That's what we see on display in The Andy Griffith Show and in residents of Mayberry, RFD, a glimpse into an imaginary place where these fruits of the Spirit shine through, in various situations and in all kinds of people.

Credit Andy Griffith's influence again. When Griffith died in 2012, his widow told CBN, "Andy was a person of incredibly strong Christian faith and was prepared for the day he would be called Home to his Lord."

How do we bring Mayberry into our lives?

Sorry, y'all, but talking with a Southern drawl won't do it.

It's true that you and I can't change the rest of the world. But we can decide our home will be a haven for our family and friends. A place where each one walks in the door and feels loved. A place where anxious, hurting hearts can find peace in being welcomed and accepted.

Isn't that what we want for ourselves?

This is not the impossible dream. No advance cleanup or home projects needed. We simply start right where we are. We ask Jesus to guide us and to fill our hearts and our home with love. Then we deliberately live out those Christian qualities we see acted out in Mayberry, RFD.

This probably won't feel natural for a lot of us. Smile and remember the saying, "Fake it 'til you make it," then keep going until it does.

And be patient, because a crop of kindness takes awhile to grow. Take it little by little, and with good humor. Laughs always lighten the atmosphere, especially when we're quick to laugh at our own mistakes and failures. (That makes it more likely our children will pick up that quality, too, rather than fall apart when they're not perfect.)

If we stick with it, life in our home will change and our kids won't have to look elsewhere to find grownups to emulate.

Are you ready to try it?

Picture in your mind the kind of atmosphere you want in your home, as detailed as you want to make it. Write it down if you like, then use that as a checklist. This won't be an overnight change, so keep your patience charger at the ready.

Start with this:

Pray.

Forget past failures and lock in on what's ahead, then go for it.

Attitude counts most. Look for the best in people, expect the best of people–and forgive them when they mess up. (Your children will notice and naturally take on some of that themselves.)

Let go of tracking who's wrong and who's right. That takes too much time and effort–and winning almost always is a hollow victory. Use that energy to celebrate the wins.

Forgive yourself–and your family–on those days when nothing goes right.

Pray. Constantly.

Remember, you're not in this alone

Whatever challenges we face, every believer can say with the Apostle Paul:

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Sorry, Andy Griffith and Aunt Bee won't move in down the street, but if you make small changes in yourself and how you relate to others, you will notice changes in how your life goes. So will your family and friends.

One ordinary day you'll look around and notice something new. As you look around your own small world you see some of the positive qualities you appreciate in what's portrayed by characters who live in Mayberry, RFD.

There's another bonus most of us haven't thought of. You will find what many others have discovered: You don't have to move in order to live in a new, happier place.

Still learning,

Lenore
What if you could live a Mayberry life for real?

March 8, 2022
Sometimes it can be a challenge to know what really drives us.

When good friends get together the conversation can wander into unexpected territory. Roadside bombs may litter the way.

Like the time a group of us started talking about being parents and occasionally wondering why we do what what we do.

"Honestly, sometimes it's like my mother has taken over my thoughts–and my mouth," said "Kim." "It's as if I don't know if it's me talking or if I'm just a replay of my mom."

"Angie" said, "I know. When I was a kid what I hated most of all were the times my brothers and I would misbehave or maybe, disappoint her. Then my mom would go all cold and silent.

"I vowed if I ever had children I would never, ever do that! Makes no difference. I love my kids, I really do, but when they act up I can feel myself going all cold and icy. My throat actually closes up. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of prayer to change at all and even so, I still have to watch myself."

Peeling back the layers

"JoJo" said, "I wish I had understood before we married how much my husband is like his workaholic father. I think then at least I would have been prepared, sort of."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about negative messages and patterns that still influenced their lives.

In no time gloom settled over us like a black cloud.

That's when "Annie" broke through with a bit of sunshine. "Okay, enough! Let's not get stuck on the past and how our parents messed us up. I'll bet we all can remember good things, too.

"Take my parents, for instance. They made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other–and it showed. They laughed a lot and my friends always wanted to come to our house. What sticks with me is the love and the laughter. Am I the only one who thinks her parents did a good job?"

That's all it took to turn the conversation around. Soon every one of us found several ways our parents blessed us–for life.

We leave imprints, too

From the beginning we all intend to be a good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith in God that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and life is hard.

For many of us the necessary, non-parenting part of life takes up a lot of our time and energy. We end up too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

We rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people. Inevitably, we fail at that because it's an impossible standard.

All the while our children are growing up. And storing up memories.

What I know now–and wish I'd known in the beginning

The truth can be so obvious we could miss it altogether.

Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, will experience good times and not-so-good times during their years from birth to adulthood.

What we–and our children–do with that depends on us as individuals. What we–and they–remember also is affected by personality. Who knows but that may play as big a part as what was factual.

That's not to imply any of us–or our children–are lying.

The friend who recalled her laughing mother and father said, "Oh, they weren't perfect, but these are the memories I choose to carry with me. My sister was there at the same time, but she doesn't remember those years the same way."

Raising children is a challenge. It always was

Most kids grow up with little awareness of the pressures and hardships their parents had to deal with. So did we.

You and I look back from who we are and what we know today–and make judgments, fair or unfair. Some of us keep digging to uncover ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us–and then we nurse our pain.

Why would anyone do that? Motivations vary, but for some, it provides a built-in excuse for … whatever. One example would be if we can blame our parents then obviously, it's not our fault.

This may seem a convenient way out when we fail, but there's a downside:

Any time I declare myself a victim I also declare I have no power, no control over my life and my circumstances.

Now, really, is that any cause for celebration?

What if?

What if we laid down whatever burdens drag us down and just live freely in this day? We can, you know.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Once we are ready to be free of living with old hurts, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos:

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13 NIV

We are human, we make mistakes. So did our parents.

You and I survived our parenting, however flawed it may have been. We may even be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down hurtful memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

(And let's pray our children will do the same for us.)

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Are you still living by old messages?

February 17, 2022
Most of us know the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

When I first read those words on a gift shop plaque I didn't have to ask myself whether the saying was true.

All I had to do was remember. With regret.

As a young mom, some days I got up in a bad mood–and spread it around. On those mornings, Mama, the Martyr, would prepare a healthy breakfast for her family–and serve it without a word.

Mama didn't smile, so neither did anyone else.

Our otherwise bouncing, laughing young daughters would eat silently, then escape ASAP, whether to another room or to wait for the school bus. My sweet husband would gulp down his breakfast, then head for the door with a wave instead of grabbing me for a kiss as he usually did.

And I understood why.

Who could blame them?

Their moods affected me, too, of course. As in every family, our four kids sometimes couldn't stand each other, resulting in a tiresome refrain of, "Mommy, make her leave me alone!"

Do you think their whining lifted my spirits and made me a happy mama? Nope.

Over time I figured out some major truths:

Whatever the cause of my bad mood I didn't have the right to take it out on my husband and kids. Besides, that never changed anything for the better.

In any and every situation, our mindset determines how we feel–and how we act.

As Abraham Lincoln, the world-famous mental health professional, put it: "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Always, our words can lift each other up or tear each other down

That's true in parenting. True in a marriage. It's true on the job.

If our kids struggle they don't need our analysis of what's wrong. They need our love and encouragement and quiet listening.

When they slip up it's okay to gently stick to our family standards, along with talking over the whys of why we have them. Then comes the next lesson as we hand out appropriate penalties.

Allowing our children some freedom to make choices–and also allowing them to live with the consequences of their choices–can be painful, but it grows maturity and confidence.

They grow stronger from within.

What about teenagers?

Teenagers are on their bumpy way to adulthood. Yes, they need truth and common sense about how to handle life, but it's equally important that they hear us speak our faith and confidence in them as individuals.

It's good to help them learn life skills by letting them cope. (They'll make mistakes.) They crave words like, "I know you can handle this challenge, because I know how strong and determined you are. I believe in you and so does God and we always, always love you, no matter what."

Sometimes teens seem so self-assured we think we as parents are irrelevant.

Not true! Every survey of teenagers says they want their parents' respect and value their parents' opinions more than any of their peers.

When we speak love we give them what they need most. If we doubt that's true, all we have to do is ask ourselves what we want and need.

Widen the circle

Let's not stop there. Our kind words can lift the hearts of people around us, too.

Picture the mom whose kids are acting up in the Food Court at your local mall, the one who looks frazzled and beat. What if you stopped and said to her, "You have a beautiful family. I can see in your eyes how much you love your children."

What about the co-worker who seems depressed? What better opportunity to point out some instances when they helped you or someone else? Small kindnesses can make a difference in someone's day.

Or suppose you were chairing a women's event at your church. Someone spills punch all over the serving table. You keep smiling as you mop up the mess. Imagine if one woman told you, "Good job! I watched you calmly deal with the crisis moment and you really have a way with people."

Wouldn't you treasure her words?

Kind words are as sweet as cool water to parched lips–and they cost us nothing

If we put on eyes to see and mentally walk in someone else's shoes we'll know what they need to hear.

The big surprise is that we get back what we give out. If by our words and actions we give out love and kindness, that's what we'll receive in return. It's never too late to begin, even if it feels forced at the beginning.

This is not new theory. Solomon and the Apostle Paul wrote:

Worry weighs us down; a cheerful word lifts us up . . . Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs.

  Proverbs 12:25 (The Message) and Ephesians 4:29 NIV

This is hardest to maintain within our marriages and families, because both are 24/7 and we have no place to hide.

When we blow it–and we will–we lay our failures at the cross of Jesus and begin again.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 ESV

How can we change from within? Where do we start?

And exactly how does that work? I know no better answer than this:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

When we trust in Jesus, we have a Helper who walks with us through every day and gives us strength to become the individuals who brighten the world we live in. Because our words lift up the people around us.

And isn't that who we want to be?

Blessings from one who learned to mind her mindset,

Lenore

You can change your world with your words

November 5, 2021