Category: Family

Lately there's been a lot of angst going around

This seems like a good time to pass on a folksy little story that arrived in my Inbox one day. It always speaks pointedly to me. May it speak to you, too.

Just Another Day

The crusty old-timer slouched into the local coffee shop and settled himself onto the end stool at the counter. Then he winked at the waitress and said, "Gimme a big mug 'a Joe, Dearie."

This lady wasn't taking any guff from anyone. She stood up tall and said, "I am not your Dearie! My name is Daisy."

"My mistake, Miss Daisy. My name's Hector. Now pour me some of your good hot coffee, if 'ya please."

When his steaming cup of Joe arrived, he inhaled deeply and asked, "Got any sugar cubes, Ma'am?

"Yes, sir."

She handed Hector the sugar bowl and he dropped in a cube of sugar.

Then another.

And another. And another.

When he got to seven, Daisy pulled the sugar bowl away and said, "Listen, here, Mister, you don't need more sugar. Just stir up whatcha' got!"

That's wise counsel for living, too

Sometimes we discount what we already have and are, just because we're used to it.

The flood of self-help articles and reports and interviews that never stop all boil down to the same theme: You and I need to be more than we are.

According to these "experts," each with a favorite theory, you and I can achieve "more-ness" with (fill in the blank.) So we can grow. And stretch. And explore new horizons.

It's exhausting.

Learning and growing are good things, but most of these spokespeople proceed as if every human being is an exact copy of every other human being.

For Christians, that theory is pure bunk. The Bible tells us God creates every human being. Not with some sort of divine 3-D Printer, but with infinite care and his personal involvement.

Ponder this verse, Psalm 139:13, and think as you read it.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.   ESV

Each of us is one-of-a-kind

Even identical twins have their own individual fingerprints and personalities. You and I are not exactly like our siblings. Neither are our children, even when they all are the same gender.

Not one of us is "missing" some essential part of ourselves.

Can we grow and learn to understand ourselves better? Of course. Sometimes that happens as we live out our lives. Sometimes we may need to talk with our pastor or with a licensed counselor.

It's an imperfect world and none of us is perfect. It's a big step to acknowledge our weaknesses to ourselves. Be sure you don't overlook your individual strengths. Rather, give thanks for them.

The Bible tells us God equips each one of us to handle whatever He asks of us. That means each of us has what we need to live the lives He gives us. Remember, our lives are not over until our last earthly breath, so none of knows exactly what qualities we may need.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 ESV

Keep tabs on what's already present–in your life, in your marriage and in your family

It is God who gives us our abilities and talents–and for a reason we may not yet understand.

Are there struggles even in strong marriages and families? Yes, for every one of us. Single or married, at any age, life is hard. Building a marriage is hard. Being a mom–or a dad–is hard.

If we expect perfect here on earth then our days may seem like too much to cope with. We just want it to stop.

That's dangerous thinking because we may spend our days in wistful longings and daydreams of better times and perhaps, "more perfect" people.

Once again the Bible shows us the better way to deal with difficulties:

Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. James 1:1 ESV

Build on what you already have

For example, if you're married and feeling ho-hum, why not try a bit of do-it-yourself effort?

Agree to make time for each other, just as deliberately as you make time for other appointments.

Choose a weekend or other time when neither of you has to report in for work. Then farm out your kids for a night or a weekend. Kidnap your husband–or wife–and head to a nearby hotel or motel. Live on room service (or McDonald's if money is tight) and each other's undivided attention.

(The same strategy works if you simply stay home in your own house. It's just harder to shut out all the chores that need catching up on.)

Often, a short time of concentrating on each other is all that's needed for a couple to rediscover their love, which can get covered up with job and kids and the "stuff" of everyday life.

We love because he [Jesus] first loved us . . . Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 John 4:19; 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Get reacquainted with your children and get to know them now

Whatever their ages, take off your I-need-to-parent-you eyes. Instead, look–really look–at each child with eyes of love.

Think about their individual personality qualities: who they are. Notice how funny and unique each one is. Find ways to reinforce their positive qualities, maybe a note or a card or just saying you value those qualities.

Make time to be one-on-one with each child, so you can concentrate on each one. Being together strengthens family bonds–between parent and child and also between siblings.

As your children grow up, increasingly respect their right to have their own lives. (We wanted that for ourselves, didn't we? And don't we?)

As you would that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31 ESV

Share more than food at mealtime

Eating together every day strengthens relationships within a family. All the research shows that especially with children and teens, this increases their own strength and inner security.

Mealtimes offer a built-in opportunity to connect. One powerful–and popular tool is to do Highs and Lows. Go around the table and each one shares from their day–while everyone else listens. (Make it okay to say "Pass" and remain silent.)

Each one can tell about their cares and issues to each other. Nothing formal, just each one sharing their days with each other and staying tuned-in. Lastly, parents and/or children pray and speak a blessing.

Stick with it and watch each one become more comfortable opening up to each other. A way to live out faith together.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 ESV

Let's get personal

Every so often take a closer look. Start by writing down at least ten good things about your life. Ten things, small things, "ordinary" things.

Then list what's good about you. And your husband. And your kids. Once again, this is not about achievements or "big stuff."

Keep your lists handy. Reread them when you're feeling uncertain or questioning the "whys" in your life. Or on those days when life feels meaningless. Even if you're not in the mood when you start, as you thank God for the gifts and blessings already yours, your heart will feel lighter.

Consider this one of the ways to "Stir up what you got!"

Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:6-7 NKJV

Still learning, always,

Lenore

Still good advice: “Stir up whatcha got!”

September 20, 2021
Let's face it. Some children simply refuse to give in–or give up.

A friend remarked, "My two brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the specific words they used," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

I remember doing exactly that, thinking it sounded more kind and loving and reasonable. Now I know all it does is confuse and water down what we say.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents.

This careful study enables our children to know exactly how far they can go with each parent. They know which one is more likely to be swayed by pleading and which one needs all the facts–and time–before saying, "Yes."

It's a bit shocking–but accurate–that we train our kids to know how far they can push us.

Personalities play a part

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if their mission in life is to oppose whatever Mom or Dad say.

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you saying, "That's all well and good, but this being in charge role doesn't fit my personality and it's really hard for me. How do I get through today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents.

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow–and don't allow–makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully.

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.

Within those reliable limits our children can relax and run free.

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is any parent's biggest challenge.)

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today–or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell.

Just remember that we are the grownups in the family and that's our job.

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we are to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day.

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . . Colossians 3:12-13a

Parenting roles change over the years

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection.

As our children get older we still keep a watchful eye, but our role gets more subtle, Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background so each child gains confidence that they can handle whatever they're trying to do.

All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, yes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, although they will argue the point over and over and over. Most of the time they avoid saying they need us and feel safer because we're watching our for them.

Nevertheless, it's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Being a parent and watching our children grow into themselves is deep-down satisfying. I believe it's the most important thing we could ever do because we are raising human beings.

But parenting is never a picnic. It isn't meant to be. Raising our children is it's a growth-and-development project for us as individuals, too. Being a parent changes us, makes us wiser and stronger and more understanding of human nature.

(Is it any wonder that we Christian parents so often feel inadequate and frequently ask Jesus to guide us and help us?)

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. ESV

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made you to be–and enjoying it!

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Ever wondered why our kids so often push us to the edge?

July 30, 2021
That may sound like an extreme statement, but here's a true-life story that illustrates the point.

Nine-year old Lawson is playing with his dog in the grassy area beyond his backyard. Mom yells from the back door, "Lawson, it's time to come in."

No response.

"Lawson! Time to come in!"

No response.

Mom yells again. And again.

Still no response. By now Mom feels her temperature rising, especially since she can see that her son is not far away and staring intently up at a tree.

"Lawson James! You get yourself in here right now, young man!"

Lawson takes his time coming in, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth.

His mother stands waiting, with hands on her hips. "You'd better have a good excuse, young man! Now you tell me why you didn't come when I called you!"

"Well … I didn't hear you the first four times you called."

Resistance comes in different packages

Some kids plant their feet and holler, "No!" as if daring you to do anything about it. That kind of open defiance is easy to spot.

Others are more subtle, like the child who appears smiling and compliant, but habitually "forgets." If this behavior is chronic don't immediately assume it's deliberate. For some, there's an underlying problem such as ADD or ADHD, which makes consulting a licensed professional a worthwhile idea.

Some children quickly agree with you, often with a smile or laugh, but then don't do what they said they would do. Note: Both "forgetters" and "agrees, but doesn't do its" offer passive resistance. That's not as in-your-face as defiance, but these pint-sized human relations experts know parents find that easier to take.

The "Lawsons" of this world know exactly how far they can push Mom or Dad. They usually obey. Eventually. They'll give in when they are ready, that is, just before you blow your top. If this sounds like a battle of wills, that's exactly what it is.

Consider such tactics the child's way of exercising the limited power at their disposal.

Are these kids evil? No. They're human. That is, not perfect, like every other human being.

Nobody said parenting would be easy

Still, few of us realize ahead of time how long it can take to teach important lessons. We get tired and lose heart.

We may ask ourselves, why bother to keep trying? The answer is easy. It's because all the studies show that youngsters who learn to obey and to respect authority have an easier time in school and also navigating through adolescence.

No one formula exists, but here some general pointers:

Principle one: Figure out what really matters in your family and talk about it.

    Principle two: Pick your battles carefully.

    Principle three: Don't say it unless you mean it. But if you say it, make it stick.

    Principle four: Be consistent. Whatever your rules were yesterday, stick with them today. Otherwise, you start over tomorrow. Besides, children feel more secure when they don't have to wonder whether you mean it … this time.

  Principle five: Learn to laugh.

All the while you're teaching and modeling, without a word

Any time you lose your temper or raise your voice, you hand over some of your authority as the parent. (Yes, I know how daunting and hard that is. I should, because I slipped up many times.)

As I got better at staying focused I realized being consistent actually saved time–as well as my sanity. Otherwise, any kid with even minimal levels of spunk will keep testing you just to see if you still mean it.

This tiresome maneuver can go on a very long time, especially with those children we label "strong-willed." If Dad and Mom stick to the limits they laid down, eventually even these guerilla fighters get bored and stop trying.

Parenting is a long-term course in personal growth

Being in authority may make you uncomfortable, but remember, God gave you these children. He knows your stress levels and he equips you for the task He gives you.

As our children grow and we face new challenges, we parents continue to grow stronger from within. Stronger in character, with a clearer fix on what we as individuals stand for. Most of the time we also pick up all kinds of useful personal skills.

When you feel overwhelmed, remember Paul's truth and take it to heart:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That includes living with a Resistance Fighter who happens to be your child.

Take it from one who survived,

Lenore

Kids: “The Resistance Movement”

July 16, 2021
"Did you ever … ?"

Those three words can trigger a flood of memories, can't they?

Like the time a friend asked, "Did you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?" Out of nowhere popped up the memory of a weekend when a few Bible verses became my lifeline.

I needed one. For no reason I could figure out, I felt I was drowning in motherhood and in danger of losing who I was forever.

Don't get me wrong. Our life was good. My husband and I loved each other dearly. No big problems, good health, four great kids. Any fool would be thankful.

Wouldn't they? Shouldn't they?

Still, I yearned for something, because I was tired of feeling moody and unsettled.

All I knew for certain was I wanted to get back my usual sense of peace and well-being.

One Friday I read a tiny newspaper announcement about a weekend workshop for women

Over lunch I told my husband, "Wish I could go. It's only an hour's drive from here, but it starts tonight." (Cue in big sigh.)

Then that terrific man I married (who wanted his happy wife back) surprised me. "Of course you should go! The girls and I will be just fine."

I hugged him and right away called the number listed. Yes, they had space. Hallelujah!

I dressed and packed in a frenzy of anticipation. I knew only that the speakers would be Christian women from a neighboring state. A few hours later I waved and blew kisses and drove away feeling giddy at the prospect of 48 hours with nobody yelling, "Mommy!"

When I checked into the hotel I found my room and for a little while, I just basked in the quiet.

Then I walked into a ballroom full of women I didn't know. I didn't mind because it suited me just fine to be anonymous. All I wanted was time for me and perhaps to pick up some useful tips for living.

Handouts told me the conference theme was Ecclesiastes–which I confess, I didn't know much about.

Five minutes into the first speaker's talk, I knew why I was there.

Identifying the root of my discontent

As I listened to the speakers and read the verses I began to understand my blue mood. During the previous few months I had watched and listened to a lot of "experts" and talking heads, all enthusiastically promoting almost identical themes. Magazine articles trotted out "reinforcements" for what sounded in those day like startling findings:

I owed it to myself to "accomplish" something so I could be fulfilled.

Just being a wife and mother could never satisfy my deepest needs, only waste my potential for greatness.

Any woman who allowed a man to "dominate" her or influence her decisions was a fool–even if she thought herself blessed to be married to a good, sweet man who loved her, as I was.

Even though I had not consciously bought into these "new" theories, that weekend I knew they had lodged insidiously within my mind and heart.

Little by little, the repetition from all sides painted my thinking in a wash of dull gray.

Learning from Solomon

Without quite being aware of it I brought that mindset to the conference. No wonder this theme verse leaped out at me:

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind … Ecclesiastes 2:11 NIV

That first night we focused on Chapter Two, where Solomon relates his goals and dreams and also his great wealth and achievements. Yet all he felt was emptiness.

Our speaker asked us: Had we ever felt empty and as if our lives were pointless? Women all over the ballroom nodded in agreement.

I thought of all the voices telling me to look out for No. 1 and I heard Solomon's phrase drum in my mind: "chasing after the wind."

Next day's workshops looked at life, marriage and the joy of growing a family

Our leader stressed the great privilege God bestows when he entrusts us with a child.

It matters not whether we become birth parents or step-parents or whether we adopt a child. It's even true when we are rearing children in place of someone else.

Every day moms (and dads) help shape the next generation. Every day we plant faith and values that will carry over into the lives of our children and through them, into our grandchildren and stretching into the future.

What's more, our children are watching and listening in as we adults live our lives, picking up clues on how to do it. Like good detectives they pay as much–and maybe more–attention to our actions as they do to our words.

That packs every minute of every day with lasting meaning and significance.

During that brief workshop the truth of that statement gently smacked me on the head and got my attention, then moved in to stay. I saw it clearly. My life had purpose and meaning, just as it was. I already lived a life that mattered.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6 NIV

Simple words, yet they reminded me who I was–and who I wanted to be

That weekend I got my right attitude back. I saw clearly the contrast between empty theories and Truth that stands the test of time. My heart danced as I thought how blessed I was to have a strong marriage and healthy children.

I cherish the memory of that weekend when God spoke to me through the speakers and through Ecclesiastes. He replenished my spirit and got me back on track. He gave me eyes to see.

He has made everything beautiful in its time … I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all [their] toil–this is God's gift to [mankind.] Ecclesiastes 3:11a; 12-13 ESV

No longer would I look "out there" to set my standards and gauge my "fulfillment" by someone else's measuring stick.

I drove home singing–and praying, impatient to hug my husband and daughters. After that weekend nothing changed about my life but me.

And that changed everything.

Praying you may see the value of what you do every day!

Lenore
On learning again that all we need is eyes to see what matters most

April 21, 2021
More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips–and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know."

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave–for pay–about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you?

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears–and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent.

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too.

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come. –2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13 NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new.

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives.

Learning and growing never stop–and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore

Who or what makes us who we are?

March 10, 2021
Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.

We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.

Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."

"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!

"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.

"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.

What about social media?

Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people–and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.

Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.

What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?

Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.

Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.

Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.

Even if another one "drives you crazy."

What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual.

As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.

Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

Drawing strength whenever we need it

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are–and who you are:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 NIV

Program your mind for your life now

Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.

Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.

Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

How parents influence their children–for life

July 8, 2020
If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad."

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now

God gave you each child–and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk.

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome–and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience–and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers.

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant?

Probably not.

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

Even if it's not your style, take charge–while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)

When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" –unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.

Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. –Proverbs 15:1

Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)

Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.)

Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child–the character traits that drive you crazy now–can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother–or father–for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.

With love,

Lenore
Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

March 20, 2019
We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.

Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to.
Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.

If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.

Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you.

The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.

Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up

"You make me sick!"

"Can't you ever do anything right?"

"You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it."

Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible.

Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.

In some families–or marriages–hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even–or perhaps more so–if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.

(And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?)

You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. –Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead

It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!

You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.

So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.

(If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)

After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.

Then believe it!

What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?

No parent–or spouse–is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.

Life-giving words can change lives.

Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.

What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")

The great thing–and a hard thing–is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart."

This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top.

Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too.

It's not only children who crave words that give life

Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.

But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."

Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony–and it is. Steady and sincere love–in word and actions–is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.

What kind of words?

"I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."

"Thanks. I appreciate you."

"It means so much to know I can always count on you."

"I love you."

Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home–or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?

(Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)

Again, Paul lays out our motivation.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 3:12,17 (NIV)

There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.

They're the gift that truly does keep giving–for life.

Still growing, too,

Lenore
Who told you who you are–and do you still believe it?

June 13, 2018
Someone has said, "When a child is born, a mother is born."

It may be hard to imagine of our own moms, but it's true. Every mother since time began has groped her way through unknown territory, made mistakes and learned on the job.

I know people who consider their moms angels.

I also know a few who've always blamed their mothers for ruining their lives and they long to erase even their memory of them.

Probably most of us fall somewhere in between.

Knowing now what I wish I knew then

My mother died way too young, a few months after she turned 54. It took me a long time to understand how much of her is in me.

Like my love of music.

All I knew as a preacher's kid was that my parents were always up front. Mom always played the organ or piano for everything.

She also gave piano lessons. Every day one or more kids, usually towed by eager parents, showed up in our living room after school. With them came the standard admonition: "Be quiet."

That meant my job was to keep my three noisy, energetic sisters quiet for most of an hour and often to get supper started. The clock never moved slower! All in all, I considered Mom's music more a nuisance than a blessing.

I yearned for a "normal" mother

As far back as I can remember once the evening chores were done Mom would play the piano for her own enjoyment, often the music of classical composers.

Music had drawn my parents together in the beginning, so when Dad had a free night he often joined her, his beautiful tenor soaring while she accompanied him.

Small wonder that many a Sunday he would not only preach, but sing a solo while Mom, the organist/pianist accompanied him.

The congregation always loved it. I knew my parents were talented, but as a kid I wished they were sitting with us in the pew instead of always up front.

What I didn't understand in time

Because of who she was I became familiar with classical and folk melodies and absorbed music through my pores. Every time I hear some of Mom's favorites, I think of her.

I wish I had told her that while I had the chance.

Mom left more than music behind. With her love of beauty and sense of style she made the most of Dad's small salary. She'd stick one zinnia in a vinegar bottle and have a centerpiece.

Besides that, she knew how to jazz up an old outfit and give it some style. My mother probably learned that from her mother, who made fancy hats and clothing and turned out intricate needlework.

Mom held her own in the kitchen, too. She knew how to make food taste good and look good.

The perpetual student

Most of her life my mother kept on learning, everything from trying a new recipe to mastering a challenging concerto.

Was she perfect? No. Is anyone?

I think the demands of her life often overwhelmed her. Today I view her failings more charitably than I once did, probably because I know my own so well.

I know now Mom did what most of us do, the best she knew how. I thank God for her life and her faithfulness.

My mom believed in Jesus

Because she absolutely trusted Him and believed Bible verses like this, she did not fear death.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16 (ESV)

Like her, I live in the forgiveness all believers share and I know when Mom stopped breathing she went home to Him.

Yet my mother lives within me still, as elusive as the whiff of a fragrance I can't quite identify.

And I am grateful, so grateful.

Question for you: In what way(s) do you carry your mother with you?

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Mothers, the lingering fragrance in our minds and hearts

May 10, 2018
Those of us in touch with the times know that kids do fine in any kind of family.

The Experts have declared it so.

They say it makes no difference if a youngster has two parents or one. Married or unmarried. Straight or gay. Whatever … it's all the same.

Agree or disagree?

That's become a loaded question in our time.

I happen to believe fathers bring balance to a child's life

Picture the preschooler trying to go down a slide, but frozen by fear. Mommy says, "Oh, Honey, if you don't want to go down this time, I'll come help you get down. You can try another time."

Daddy says, "Aw, c'mon. I know you can do it! Just shut your eyes and let go. I'll be here to catch you at the bottom."

If the child comes down and bumps at the bottom, there'll be crying. Mommy rushes in with hugs and coos, "There, there, Sweetie, you'll be okay. You don't have to try that again until you're ready."

But Daddy says, "Hey, that's a good start! Now just go up there and try again. You'll be so proud of yourself! Then we'll go celebrate with ice cream."

And so it goes, all through life

I think children benefit from both the soft, warm, nurturing comfort of Mom and the encouraging prods from Dad.

When I think of my dad I can't remember any deep, wise sayings. All I knew was he loved me. He loved my three sisters. And he loved my mom.

My mom and dad often looked at each other as though there were no one else in the world. Early on I didn't understand it but I sensed that somehow it was wonderful.

Now I realize their steadfast love blessed me and my sisters.

Love that lasts

I never saw that love fail, not even through the last hard three years of my mother's life after she was diagnosed with A.L.S., otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Mom died at age 54.

By then I had married and moved away, so I only saw them every couple of months. As my mother's condition slowly deteriorated I watched them cope with simple acceptance and quiet faith.

The same way they lived through all the years of their marriage.

My dad cared for Mom and held life together as best he could for my two teenage sisters. All the while he continued to pastor the congregation of wonderful Christians he was called to serve.

How did he manage it? I'm sure Dad would have said what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -NKJV

Dad trusted Jesus and sought to live by the Bible he regularly taught and preached.

That was who he was. I knew it then as more of a concept. Now I know by experience how Paul's words can put steel into a spine.

In praise of imperfect fathers

My dad wasn't perfect. Most of us can think of ways our fathers could be–or could have been–"better."

Here's the thing: Being imperfect comes with being human. Imperfect is what we are, all of us.

You and I so easily fixate on what's missing. We forget that to simply be there adds stability to a youngster's life.

If a father is someone his kids can look up to and count on he gives them a lifetime gift.

Can we not rejoice over what is rather than bemoan what's missing?

Can single parents raise strong, stable children? Absolutely. Especially if a mother makes sure her children spend time around good dads or father figures. (And vice versa, if it's a single dad.) It's tough to be a single parent, but many do a fantastic job.

Reason to celebrate

Our perception of what our parents lived through is hazy, so our understanding is limited.

It's time to forget their failures and thank God for what they did right. Every father who loves his children and offers a solid base they can count on is a blessing. (Ditto for every mother who does the same.)

Be grateful–and say so–while you still can.

Look for the joy, my friend, always,

Lenore

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