Category: Marriage

Ever thought about how easily we get stuck in a thought pattern and go blind?  

For whatever reason, we fixate on another person's annoying habits, the people we live with or work with. For example, I have 20/20 vision when it comes to spotting ways my husband  could  "improve."

Or maybe it's a friend or co-worker whom we like–if only s/he wouldn't constantly tap the table or say, "You know…" every three or four words. 

Here's how it works between my husband and me, sometimes even now, after all these years of marriage. Somehow I miss the fact that only my perception has changed. What I get hung up on is such a small part of him it's as if I looked at his face and suddenly could see only one freckle. 

I learned a long time ago this does nothing to bring us closer. However, that never stops me from falling into the same trap, over and over.

I remember talking with a divorced friend some years ago. She said, "My list of grievances just got too long and finally overwhelmed me. I decided if I got rid of my husband, my life would be happier. I wish I had known then that he wasn't the source of my unhappiness. I was."  

I've never forgotten that conversation, because it made me gulp. Who among us doesn't have a "list?"

Maybe the trouble is we so easily keep track of the wrong stuff. What if we tried another strategy and jotted down qualities we appreciate?

Every one of us can find at least five good points about our husbands, our children, or our co-worker. Ten are even better. Never mind looking for headline grabbers like, "Local man saves child from drowning!"

The place to start is with the "invisible" qualities that march past us every ordinary day. Think about your husband. Maybe he gets up and goes to work each morning, or plays catch with the kids most nights. Being considerate around your relatives counts, too. Or how about "Doesn't just talk about faith, but lives it."

If you're stumped, go for the more obvious. "Smiles a lot," works. So does "Takes out the garbage." "Doesn't yell at me." Some of what you write may seem small, but there's always a flip side. Would you prefer this person did the opposite? 

Once you have a list, the trick is to focus on that and ignore the rest. When you catch that person in the act of doing something we've noticed, that's the time to say so, along with a hug. Makeovers? Leave that to the other person and to God. (Have you noticed we can't change anyone else?) 

My husband and I have worked on cheering for each other ever since we went to Marriage Encounter, decades ago. I, at least, keep re-learning this same principle.

To wit, a confession. In the middle of writing this post he called me to lunch. He had brought home fresh sweet corn, then husked it and cooked it, then assembled lunch and set the table. I sat down, we said grace, then I started chomping…without a word. That's when I heard my old familiar words coming out of his mouth. "I am really disappointed," he said, in my most pitiful tone of voice, exaggerating just a bit. "I thought I fixed something you really liked and you didn't even notice." 

Hm-mm. Now, what was I saying? Oh yes, I was talking about that thing in my eye…

(Jesus said) "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"            –Luke 6:41

Here's to learning faster!

Love and blessings,

Lenore

Question for you: How does this work in your life? Why not share and encourage the rest of us strugglers? Just click on the word "comments" and follow directions. Hope to hear from you!