Category: Mothering

This time of year most older high-schoolers–and their parents–are tied up in knots about what comes next.

Everyone wants to make the absolutely right choice.

College graduates are tense, too, looking for the absolutely perfect job.

That could be a long wait.

Recent graduates often feel dumped out in a world that's nothing like the dream they bought with their student loans. Some resign themselves to any job they can get that includes a regular paycheck. Others keep chasing their ideal.

Life is hard. How many of us tell our kids that beforehand?

1. Tell your kids the truth

One columnist noted that today's graduates grew up with parents who continually asked, "How does that make you feel, Honey?"

No wonder the world of employment offers a rude shock. Bosses seldom ask, "How do you feel about that?"

Employers want employees to show up on time, stay until quitting time and get the job done well and on schedule. They concentrate on the bottom line because unless their business turns a profit, there's no money to stay in business.

Or issue paychecks.

We do our kids no favor when we groom them to expect life should feel cozy and warm, like a mommy's hug.

2. Be a true friend to your children

A good friend speaks truth, even when we don't want to hear it. Our children deserve the same from us.

Sooner or later, most of us learn the no-nonsense foundation for success along the way. In school, in the job world, or even in our personal lives, here's the formula:

W-O-R-K.

Sounds hopelessly outdated, doesn't it?

That's especially true after hearing commencement speakers–and parents–who so often tell young people, "Follow your bliss! Live for your dreams! Refuse to settle for less than what makes you happy!"

Then someone will bring up Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, who became a billionaire at age twenty-seven.

Reality check: How many Mark Zuckerbergs do you know personally?

3. Plant good seeds, so your kids can harvest good fruit

Love your children enough to speak lasting truth. Even in a dream job, they will have to prove themselves.

Most employees start at the bottom. It will be a slow climb from there.

They will not like parts of it. Guaranteed. Life is hard, remember? This is what hard looks like.

A runner talked of training for a track meet. "Runners know you must keep your eyes on your goal. If you waver and look down at the track your energy goes to what's under your feet and you'll lose the race."

To build a strong career, marriage or family we can't allow small annoyances to get us down. We need to fasten on what's good and let the other stuff go.

4. Nail it home that a good life does not depend on having every dream come true

Give your children a lasting gift. Tell them nobody has everything they want or everything as they want it to be.

Help them understand that individuals who expect that or insist upon it set themselves up for lasting discontent.

Wealth and achievements can never fill our inner emptiness because there will never be enough of either.

Happiness and satisfaction stem from how we look at life and from thanking God for our blessings.

A grateful spirit is a contented spirit.

5. Remember to pass on eternal truths

Be sure your children learn about Jesus Christ, our Savior. Worship together as a family and cultivate friendships with other Christian families.

Faith is the real key to a fulfilling life and peace within.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. –Psalm 29:11

Jesus said:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." –Matthew 6:33

Life in the real world is unpredictable and the only solid Rock is Jesus.

What we're talking about is helping our kids take on life without life getting the best of them. We moms and dads do that all along, little by little as we encourage them to keep trying and try again and to keep going. And we dole out love and hugs every chance we get.

Parenting is a process that goes on as long as we live, even though it changes form over the years.

Call it what it is: Privilege. Blessing. Joy.

Thanking God, too,

Lenore

Tell your kids the facts about life in the real world

May 30, 2018
Someone has said, "When a child is born, a mother is born."

It may be hard to imagine of our own moms, but it's true. Every mother since time began has groped her way through unknown territory, made mistakes and learned on the job.

I know people who consider their moms angels.

I also know a few who've always blamed their mothers for ruining their lives and they long to erase even their memory of them.

Probably most of us fall somewhere in between.

Knowing now what I wish I knew then

My mother died way too young, a few months after she turned 54. It took me a long time to understand how much of her is in me.

Like my love of music.

All I knew as a preacher's kid was that my parents were always up front. Mom always played the organ or piano for everything.

She also gave piano lessons. Every day one or more kids, usually towed by eager parents, showed up in our living room after school. With them came the standard admonition: "Be quiet."

That meant my job was to keep my three noisy, energetic sisters quiet for most of an hour and often to get supper started. The clock never moved slower! All in all, I considered Mom's music more a nuisance than a blessing.

I yearned for a "normal" mother

As far back as I can remember once the evening chores were done Mom would play the piano for her own enjoyment, often the music of classical composers.

Music had drawn my parents together in the beginning, so when Dad had a free night he often joined her, his beautiful tenor soaring while she accompanied him.

Small wonder that many a Sunday he would not only preach, but sing a solo while Mom, the organist/pianist accompanied him.

The congregation always loved it. I knew my parents were talented, but as a kid I wished they were sitting with us in the pew instead of always up front.

What I didn't understand in time

Because of who she was I became familiar with classical and folk melodies and absorbed music through my pores. Every time I hear some of Mom's favorites, I think of her.

I wish I had told her that while I had the chance.

Mom left more than music behind. With her love of beauty and sense of style she made the most of Dad's small salary. She'd stick one zinnia in a vinegar bottle and have a centerpiece.

Besides that, she knew how to jazz up an old outfit and give it some style. My mother probably learned that from her mother, who made fancy hats and clothing and turned out intricate needlework.

Mom held her own in the kitchen, too. She knew how to make food taste good and look good.

The perpetual student

Most of her life my mother kept on learning, everything from trying a new recipe to mastering a challenging concerto.

Was she perfect? No. Is anyone?

I think the demands of her life often overwhelmed her. Today I view her failings more charitably than I once did, probably because I know my own so well.

I know now Mom did what most of us do, the best she knew how. I thank God for her life and her faithfulness.

My mom believed in Jesus

Because she absolutely trusted Him and believed Bible verses like this, she did not fear death.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16 (ESV)

Like her, I live in the forgiveness all believers share and I know when Mom stopped breathing she went home to Him.

Yet my mother lives within me still, as elusive as the whiff of a fragrance I can't quite identify.

And I am grateful, so grateful.

Question for you: In what way(s) do you carry your mother with you?

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Mothers, the lingering fragrance in our minds and hearts

May 10, 2018
Have you ever doubted your ability to give your children what they need?

Most of us have. Then it's good to remind ourselves about individuals who overcame big challenges and reared solid families.

My favorite example is Sonya Carson. I've admired her ever since her younger son, Ben–yes, that Ben Carson–held our convention audience spellbound as he told of his growing-up years.

Sonya coped with challenges most of us can't imagine.

She only completed Grade 3 in school

At age 13 she married 28 year-old Robert Carson

They moved to Detroit after he finished his U.S. Army service

Son Curtis arrived when Sonya was 20 and Ben, two years later

Five years later she discovered her husband "forgot" to mention his other (first) wife and children–and still supported them

Within two years Sonya and Robert separated, then she divorced him

She and the boys moved in with relatives in Boston

Two years later the Sonya and her boys moved back to Detroit and into subsidized housing

Sonya was determined to provide for her family

She took whatever honest low-skills, low-pay jobs she could find, working two or three at a time. She left before dawn and came home late, often finding her sons asleep in front of the television set.

Each day the boys got themselves up, then walked along the railroad track to school. Classmates called fifth-grader Ben the dumbest kid in class and made jokes about him.

Almost every Sunday the trio attended their church at least once.

One day he brought home a report card that changed his life

His mother was not happy. "You're a smart boy, Bennie! I know you can do better! If you keep up like this, you'll end up sweeping floors or on skid row. That's not the kind of life I want for you–and neither does God."

Sonya turned to God, whom she calls her friend and partner, and asked for wisdom.

A day or so later she announced new rules and pledged her sons to honor them.

Come home home immediately after school

No playing outside until after homework is done

Be inside the apartment by sunset, with doors locked; Halls and public areas are dangerous

Only two TV programs per week–after homework

Each week read two books from the neighborhood public library and write a book report

Mother will critique each book report

The boys complained and friends criticized, but nothing swayed Sonya

She told them, "I know you boys have good minds. If you can read, you can learn just about anything you want to know. The doors of the world are open to people who can read."

Before long the friendly public librarians knew both boys well. Each week Sonya Carson carefully read their book reports, asking questions and offering encouragement. (For years it didn't occur to her sons she might not understand every word she read.)

First Bennie read his way through the section on animals and then tackled books about rocks. The crushed rocks along the track now fascinated him. By the middle of his sixth grade, Benjamin led his class.

Ben's biggest challenge

All along Ben struggled with his violent temper, which led to frequent confrontations with classmates. The turning point came when he was 14 and stabbed a friend. Only that boy's heavy metal belt buckle saved his life.

Ben ran home and locked himself in the bathroom with his Bible. He stayed there for hours, asking God to help him deal with his temper. He found many verses about anger in the Book of Proverbs. Proverbs 16:32 pierced his heart:

"Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city."

Ben vowed that with God's help, he would control his anger, rather than let his anger control him. After that his temper no longer troubled him.

Sonya's plan pays big dividends

From then on Ben poured himself into his studies, graduated high school, entered Yale in 1969, then went on to medical school. (Older brother Curtis, became an engineer and designed airplane parts.) At age 33, Benjamin Solomon Carson, M.D., became the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins. He pioneered in separating co-joined (Siamese) twins.

A committed Christian, he still reads from the Book of Proverbs, morning and evening.

Like Mother, like son

Ben discounts the lifetime effect of poverty and racial prejudice.

"The person who has the most to do with who you are and what you become is you."

"My mother used to say, 'If you walk into an auditorium full of racist, bigoted people … you don't have a problem, they have a problem …'

His philosophy probably stems from from Sonya Carson's frequent admonition to her sons:

"You do your best and God will do the rest."

She lived that principle herself. "My job was to prepare them. And I turned to God for help every inch of the way."

You are equipped to rear your kids

You'll have days you feel life is too hard or think you lack what it takes. If money is tight, you may fear you're shortchanging your children.

Then call Sonya Carson and her courage to mind. Think of the rich gifts she gave her sons in that dismal setting! She spoke courage when she didn't know how she'd get through the week. She set limits for her children, always speaking faith and confidence. They grew strong from within–and so did she.

Not once did she walk alone. Neither do you, if, like Sonya, God is your friend and your partner.

Blessings,

Lenore
Take heart, Mom. You are your child’s biggest “advantage” in life

March 8, 2017
Many parents suppose they can delay talking to their children about sex until their preteen years.

Waiting "until the time is right" is too late. Kids learn about everything–including sex–from their earliest years.

Think of children as video recorders with legs and you won't be far wrong

Long before we think it matters, kids pick up information and impressions about sex, even when they have no idea what it means. They file these bits and pieces in their memory banks.

Most of all, they watch how Mommy and Daddy treat each other.

Mommy and Daddy seem to kiss for a very long time

Daddy comes home sweaty from the job or a workout–and takes a shower–then winks at Mommy

She sprays on perfume when she dresses or just before he walks through the door

Mommy and Daddy smile at each other a lot and he pats her on the rear when he walks by

Children watch everything–and learn.

They don't quite understand the why of it, but they draw impressions that marriage is different. Something special.

What about television?

Make no mistake, TV shows–even cartoon shows–convey messages. Not only what's said, but also how characters interact.

How family members react to what's onscreen is crucial. Picture a shapely blond wearing way too few clothes cavorting across the TV screen. If Dad whistles or says, "Wow, look at that!" he's teaching.

Mom might watch some musclebound hunk, sigh and then say, "Isn't he the handsomest thing you've ever seen?" She's teaching, too.

We all know the standard television fare:

Crude jokes and suggestive language

One character using another

Bed-hopping between singles who just met

Unfaithfulness between married folks

The "absolutely mandatory" gay individual in every sitcom–who always turns out to be much more sensitive and caring than characters who are straight

Every one of these "entertainment" shows instructs. About something.

Any time onscreen words and actions contradict what we tell our kids at other times, we miss out on a natural teaching opportunity.

How? A familiar principle applies here: More is caught than taught.

Children have no filter

It's not just cartoons and sitcoms. Kids also listen in to TV talk shows we think they tune out.

If we say not a word, they'll likely conclude what they're seeing and hearing must be okay, because our silence implies our approval.

Be pro-active. It may inconvenience you, but pause the TV or turn it off. Then talk through what's just been said or shown and help your children understand the right and wrong of it. Anchor what you say in your family's life and faith standards.

It's prime time for setting right attitudes

Home is meant to provide the counter-balance for wrong attitudes pressing in from every side.

Seize the moment, often, to quietly tell your children again how God wants us to live.

Keep your goal in mind: To help your youngsters understand how God's standards differ from the wrong behavior they see around them. Little by little they'll form their own strong foundation of faith that gives them a basis for right behavior.

Feeling overwhelmed? Most of us do. It helps to have some good books with appealing art and kid language for them to read. Scour your Christian bookstore to find what's age-appropriate

The books I know best are the Learning About Sex series from Concordia Publishing House, a Christ-centered publisher. These books feature trustworthy material geared to girls and boys of specific ages. A new revised and updated edition of all the books in the Series was just issued.

I wrote the book for parents, How to Talk Confidently with Your Child about Sex. It takes you through all the stages of your child’s development to assist you in providing accurate biological facts. You'll find suggestions for establishing behaviors, values, and attitudes of a growing Christian.

If this sounds like a reference book, yes. If you expect it to sound scholarly, no. The tone is conversational.

The overall theme of my book–and every book in this Series–is that sexuality is God's good and precious gift to each of us, meant to be the cause of rejoicing between husband and wife.

What if mom and dad have failed in that? We turn to Jesus, to his love and forgiveness, and begin again. This book stresses God's grace in Christ.

Parents rank at the top

It's sobering to realize that how we moms and dads live our lives really counts with our children.

Example weighs more than words.

Every survey of teenagers proves the same point. Teens say their parents are the biggest influence in their children's lives.

That lasting parental influence is built, layer by layer. Day by day.

Don't worry if you stumble along the way. As you integrate bits of information and opinion, you'll feel more at ease talking about sex with your kids.

Think of yourself as the first line of defense against wrong ideas and media influence.

Relax. Trust. Pray

By the way, no parent does everything right.

We all do the best we can with what we know at the time. And we pray, trusting the God who loves our children even more than we.

Then we relax, knowing each of our children is His gift to us.

Feeling shaky?

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.                              –Isaiah 41:10 ESV

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Your comments welcomed!

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August 21, 2015
Just the other day I heard a mom say, "I love my kids, but somewhere along the way I lost myself."

Another mom said, "My children are my life! They take all my time and fill up all my heart.

"But the other night my husband told me at work he's respected and looked up to, but at home he feels invisible.

"I couldn't tell him what I was feeling, which is that I have nothing left to give."

Can you relate?

Being a mom takes all we have and then some. It can blot out everything and everyone else and leave us feeling wrung-out.

Beware making it a way of life.

What's that supposed to mean?

When our four girls were growing up I often felt up to my eyeballs in responsibilities–and I was.

A wonderful friend from our church told me early on. "Always remember you started with the two of you and the love between you. Guard your marriage relationship well.

"Find a way to make time each day for the two of you. You both need that connecting to remember who you are.

"I always made sure Jim knew I loved him most and I can tell you, it works. We still had something going between us when our kids grew up and went off to their own lives."

We knew by their body language it worked, so we tried to live it.

Yes, it makes a difference.

It's possible to be too proud of being a "good mother"

Everyone knows someone always described as "such a good mom she puts the rest of us to shame."

She always picks up the slack for her kids. She helps them with homework and cleans up their messes. Runs to the school with forgotten lunches and gym clothes. Fights their battles against "too hard on them" teachers and anyone who ever picks on her child. And of course, she always goes along on school field trips.

She does it all out of love, so who would fault her?

Call me crazy, but I would.

Okay, smarty pants, what makes a good mom or a good dad?

For awhile I was impressed by a mom like that who lived up the road. I was convinced she must be a better mother.

Thank God I heard an older friend state her philosophy of being a mom:

"A mother's job is to work herself out of a job–long before her children leave home."

She explained what she meant. We parents need to let our children learn from their choices and mistakes. If they forget their homework, their grade will suffer–and they'll learn. If they forget their gym clothes they'll sit on the bench and be bored–and never forget again. If they don't take their lunch today, they may be hungry, but they'll remember to take it tomorrow.

A youngster who learns from (small) choices and (small) mistakes grows up knowing that everything is a choice–and every choice has a consequence, good or bad.

That's a handy thing to know all through life and makes for stronger individuals.

Which, come to think of it, helps Mom remember who she is and why she married Dad.

We lived it at our house and it works.

In fact, that's the basis for my book, Godly Moms: Strength from the Inside Out. (See book cover and link on the sidebar.)

With love,

Lenore

How to survive being a mom

October 23, 2014
You might be in for a surprise next time you visit your pediatrician's office.

When the doctor asks how your child is eating and sleeping, you'll probably hear another question, "Are you reading aloud to your youngster every day?"

That's because the American Academy of Pediatrics just issued a new policy statement. It says books are like medicine and pediatricians should prescribe their daily use.

Why? Books are important in building up the brains of very young children.

(If your kids are older, keep reading.)

Pediatricians will be emphasizing how important it is to read aloud every day, even to infants. The docs say keep it up at least until your children enter kindergarten because many studies prove reading pays lifelong health benefits.

LeVar Burton chimes in

He's been the host of PBS's Reading Rainbow for 26 years. He and his partner recently developed the program as a tablet app and it's been downloaded over a million times. As you'd guess, LeVar is a big supporter of reading to kids.

In a July 6, 2014, interview in Parade, he notes that Americans read far less for pleasure than they did in 1983. That's when Reading Rainbow got started.

The reporter asked him whether older children need to keep reading during summer vacation. He answered, "There's a critical window where a child either becomes a reader or not–for life. Between the ages of 7 and 9 is when that decision is made.

"Parents ask me, 'How can I get my kid to read?' I say, How much time do you spend reading in front of your kid?"

Le Var stresses the importance of having books around your house. He also recommends families have a weekly night when TVs and gadgets stay turned off and it's family reading night.

That's leading by example.

More is caught than taught.

When our children see us reading and know we enjoy it, they understand that reading matters and it's for all of life.

Make summer vacation count

Studies show kids who don't read during summer vacation lose ground in their reading ability. Just 20 minutes a day can keep them up to speed. What to do? Be creative. For instance:

Set up a reading contest, with prizes. Make the prize something your kids really want, something you know they're dreaming of. Make wall charts where each child can note books read.

Patronize your local public library. Many libraries now have lending libraries for Kindle editions, too.

Take your kids shopping for books of their own. Cut costs by patronizing discount stores or used book stores. Provide a small bookcase for their library, or at least a pair of bookends.

Let your children read books above their grade level. It's a great way to develop language skills. They'll learn to figure out meanings of unfamiliar words from the context.

Reading to and with our children is one of those things in family life that seem small at the time. But it pays off big-time in benefits for children and happy memories.

I know it's true because I grew up with reading parents. As a kid I read everything I could get my hands on and still do. Our four girls loved owning books and walking out of the library with their own pile of books. It paid off well in their reading and spelling proficiency.

Warmly,

Lenore

To read the article in Parade and get LeVar Burton's Summer Reads, click this link: http://parade.condenast.com/311768/merylgordon/levar-burtons-reading-revolution/

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July 7, 2014
The only time we know how to raise children perfectly is before we have any.

Why wouldn't that be true? God creates each child to be one-of-a-kind, whether our children come to us by birth, by adoption, or because we marry a man who already is a dad.

That plunges us into a lifelong process of stretching. Growing. Learning.

We soon discover that being a mom means whatever else we may be involved in, our children remain constantly in our minds and in our hearts.

Being a mom takes all we have and then some

When our four daughters were growing up I loved them and every bit of our life, but I often felt up to my eyeballs in responsibilities.

I never once wanted to quit, but I longed to find a better way.

About that time God sent an older friend who shared her philosophy of mothering: "A mother's job is to work herself out of a job–long before her children leave home."

That "radical" thought made sense to me

Along with feeding, clothing and teaching our children, we moms are to prepare them for life. We hear all the time that life is tough, even for kids. Away from us they're on their own, whether it's at child care or in school.

When we help them develop inner strength we're living out the Golden Rule:

[Jesus said] "Do to others as you would have them do to you."

I can't think of a more loving and lasting gift we can give our children, can you?

My husband and I decided to borrow my wise friend's principles of parenting. Before long we noticed the change in our family. It seemed we all liked each other more–and ourselves, too. Over the years we watched our daughters grew into strong adults.

Those years taught me and became background for my latest book Godly Moms – Strength from the Inside Out

This collection of short pieces can be read in snatches of time. Here's one to hang onto when you're feeling stressed.

—————————————-

MADE FOR EACH OTHER

Your family is no accident. God gave you to each other.

Each child who calls you "Mom" was created just for you.

God placed you together because you need each other.

Let those sentences sink deep into your heart and your mind.

This is true even when you have conflicts and diffficulties. Even if you are as different as plums and peanut butter. Even though it seems you always say or do the wrong thing with one of your children.

Your Designer Kids need you, not the Ms. Flawless Mom who lives on the corner.

And vice versa.

You don't need the placid child next door, nor Super Kid across the street. You need that one who most often baffles you or challenges you.

God tailor-makes our children to stretch us.

To teach us.

To grow us.

Mothering opens our minds and strips away old, comfortable illusions about life.

And about ourselves.

Day after day, we're forced to cope. As we do, we may discover strengths we didn't know we had.

Weaknesses too.

No mom would label this process easy or comfortable. Growing pains never are.

When you feel overwhelmed, reassure yourself with what you know. God put together the pieces of your family jigsaw puzzle according to His plan.

It is a good one.

So walk on, trust Jesus, and be at peace.

Like your kids, you're in the process of becoming. Your heart will never shrink back to its original size.

[The Lord says,] "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." —Jeremiah 1:5a

(Excerpted from Godly Moms – Strength from the Inside Out, published by Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis.)

Moms, if you feel in over your head, take heart. Every day you leave footprints on tomorrow.

Blessings and love,

Lenore

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May 9, 2014
If you doubt that moms matter, ask any USPS employee groaning under a load of Mother's Day cards.

Everybody is somebody's child and this holiday prods us to send our mothers, stepmothers and grandmothers a card that communicates love.

Some of us feel like "invisible moms" and wonder if anyone notices what we do for them day after day. Mother's Day cards give us visible proof they do, at least for this one day.

Other moms feel guilty because they think they haven't lived up to the Mother's Day cards they received. All the hearts-and-flowers and gushy language seem meant for someone else.

Relax. Most of us moms do the best we can with what we know at the time

It's taken me years to understand I can't judge yesterday by what I know today. Sure, I made mistakes. We all do. But if I put on my kinder, gentler eyeglasses I sometimes marvel I didn't make more.

We forgive others. Let's forgive ourselves, too, and remember no matter how much we grow, we remain (imperfect) human beings.

Let the love flow

Sometimes problems develop in our relationships. Mother's Day provides a built-in excuse to reconnect. The familiar rituals of calling, sending cards and/or getting together can help heal strained relationships and restart communication. Let Mother's Day mark the turning point.

Our adult children usually live with crowded schedules. That means any opportunity to spend time with our children–and grandchildren–is precious and leaves us cheering.

Count me in that crowd. You may remember we have four children and eight grandchildren and time with any of them is my favorite thing. Anytime. Anywhere.

Why not give back?

Several years back I stumbled on a way to make the Mother's Day glow hang around for months. I know now this simple practice also helps our daughters and me to stay close.

It's not complicated or costly. Sometime before Mother's Day I shop for uncommon cards or note cards. Then I write each daughter an individual note, including items such as:

What I think makes her unique and special

Qualities I see in her that I appreciate and love

What I admire about the way she lives her life

A special memory of her from her growing up years

Sincere thanks for her thoughtfulness and kindnesses to me/us, whether recent or in the past

I close each love note with a reminder that I pray for each of them and their families each day.

Wouldn't you and I have treasured receiving a note like that from our parents?

At different times each of our girls has said how much they look forward to getting their annual Mother's Day note from me and how often they reread it.

By the way, don't worry if your note doesn't arrive before Mother's Day. Your words will linger and bless your children every time they think of it.

Consider it one more way to make love visible:

Dear Children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. –1 John 3:18 (NIV)

Growing with you,

Lenore

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May 1, 2014
Did you ever notice how many people talk about even very young children as if they were miniature adults? It seems to me they confer upon youngsters way more self-control, maturity and judgment than kids are capable of at those ages.

Well-meaning parents do it, too. No doubt you've heard someone ask a little one, "What shall we have for lunch today?"

Lots of kids would be ready to shout, "Popsicles!" or "Gummi-Bears and M&Ms!"

Then Mommy might answer, "But, Honey, you know we couldn't have that for lunch. That wouldn't be healthy!"

Any reasonable child would be thinking, So why did you ask me if it doesn't matter what I say?

Good point

We do ask without really intending to take a child's answer seriously.

Sometimes our questions put the child a decision-making position that belongs to the parent. I remember the earnest young working mom I talked to before school started. She and her husband were going on a cruise, which would end just past the beginning date of school in her area. The problem was that "Timmy," her oldest child, was enrolled in kindergarten and it would be underway before she returned.

"So I just gave Timmy the choice," she said. "Did he want to wait for Mommy to come back and take him, so we could go into the school together and I could meet the teacher with him? Or did he want to go on his own, without Mommy? I told him if he waits, he'll miss out on lots of important stuff, like meeting other kids.

"I'm glad he decided to wait, so I can go with him on his first day, after all.

"But it is his choice. After all, Timmy is five years old. That's old enough to make decisions about his own life."

Do you agree?

It seems to me that decision belonged to the parents, not their five-year-old. He simply hasn't lived long enough to know.

That's not to say children should never have a voice. We give our kids a lifetime gift when we allow them to make age-appropriate choices. Little by little we increase the number of choices they get to make. By the way, that includes letting them live with the consequences (unless that would mean actual harm to them.) Always, we keep a watchful, protective eye–without hovering.

All this helps them learn and grow into strong young individuals who can manage on their own. And isn't that our goal as parents?

We need self-honesty, too

I suspect that young mom wanted to be missed and needed, but right then her longing for a vacation outweighed the beginning of kindergarten.

We're all wired the same way. We tend to think of our desires first. Being a parent keeps us shoving aside our wants and putting our kids first, but let's face it, we get weary. Growth is good, but sometimes it's not much fun.

Sooo we cut ourselves some slack. We try not to ask our children questions unless we plan to take their answers seriously.

We let our kids be kids.

Through their growth–and ours–we keep on encouraging, keep on loving.

As the writer of 1 Peter said in chapter 4, verse 8 (NIV):

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

Love,

Lenore

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March 14, 2014
Sometimes a chance conversation teaches us a lot. Like the day a friend talked about her childhood.

"Our family was poor when I was growing up," she said, "but I never knew it.

"I remember the year Dad was out of work. Mom suddenly announced she was really tired of fixing turkey every Thanksgiving and announced our First Annual Rice and Beans Festival.

"We kids made silly paper hats out of grocery bags. Mom dug up some old candles and sent us out to pick up pretty leaves to decorate the table. Before we ate we went around the table and each of us, even my bratty brother, said our own thank-you prayer.

"Guess we kids forgot we didn't much like rice and beans because we stuffed ourselves. After dinner we had a contest to see how many blessings we could name, then played games.

"We all still talk of that as the best Thanksgiving ever.

"Friday nights were special, too. We always had popcorn and Kool-Aid. Then we'd sit around and watch TV together or play games. I know now that's all we could afford, but as a child it felt like a party every week.

"Whenever the power went out, Dad would clap his hands and say, 'Let's celebrate!'

"He'd light candles while Mom made peanut butter sandwiches. Then he'd spread out an old blanket and we'd sit in a circle, like around a campfire. We'd sing camp songs and one of us would make up a funny story, then the next one in the circle would have to keep it going.

"We had so many good times, so much laughing–small wonder I thought we must be rich. My parents simply knew how to make the most of every little thing.

"I hate to admit it, but my husband and I and our kids have a lot more stuff now than my parents ever did and we never celebrate any of it."

+++++++

That conversation stayed in my mind for a long time. Obviously, her parents were super-gifted with a thankful spirit. They have a lot to teach . . . me.

A lovely old hymn speaks truth to my heart. How about yours?

For The Beauty Of The Earth

For the beauty of the earth,

For the beauty of the skies,

For the love which from our birth

Over and around us lies,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the beauty of each hour

Of the day and of the night,

Hill and vale, and tree and flower,

Sun and moon and stars of light,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

For the joy of human love,

Brother, sister, parent, child,

Friends on earth, and friends above,

Pleasures pure and undefiled,

Lord of all, to thee we raise

This our grateful hymn of praise.

Blessings to you, my friend, at Thanksgiving and every day,

Lenore

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November 21, 2013