Category: Love

Lots of people believe that finding your own true love, marrying and even having children will guarantee a happy life.

Not necessarily. Certainly not every day without fail.

Some days "having it all" feels like too much to handle. Some days one or the other of you may you feel, um, under-appreciated.

I remember feeling a bit ignored one otherwise unremarkable morning. My husband and I had a happy marriage and I knew he loved me, but ….

I didn't complain, oh no, not me. I stayed quiet except for sighing big sighs and banging cupboard doors for emphasis.

My husband, preoccupied with getting to an appointment, didn't pick up on my cues. I surprised myself by announcing, "That's it!"

He checked his watch, sat down down on a kitchen stool and asked, "What's 'it'?"

I started spewing out my pent-up complaints and frustrations.

That dear man listened without a word. When I paused to breathe he said, "Look, Hon, I really do have to go. Let's talk about this tonight."

Then with a half-smile and a shoulder pat (instead of our customary kiss) he headed off to his day.

Trying to shift gears for my day

I had no time to feel sorry for myself because that afternoon I was to be the featured speaker at a women's gathering miles away. My already-announced topic? Marriage.

(Are you laughing yet?)

I was not in the mood to face an audience and speak on any topic, let alone marriage. Nevertheless, these women were depending on me, so I forced myself to concentrate on my notes and gather my thoughts.

Then I read aloud the old poem I planned to use as a wrap up. I had loved these lines for years, but this time the poet's words hit me right in the pride.

OUR OWN

If I had known in the morning
How wearily all the day
the words unkind
would trouble my mind, that
I said when you went away;
I would have been more careful, darling;
nor given you needless pain;
But we vex our own
with a look and tone
We may never take back again.

For though in the quiet evening
You may give me the kiss of peace;
Yet, it might be, that never for me
The pain of the heart may cease.

How many go forth in the morning
and never come home at night,
and hearts have broken
for harsh words spoken

That sorrow can never set right.

–Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

Before I got to the end . . .

Tears streamed down my cheeks and dissolved my list of grievances. I looked back on my complaints and recognized them for what they were: petty and self-centered.

And I heard a question drumming on and on in my mind: What about my husband's needs and wants?

Before I had prayed, "Oh, Lord, let him hear me."

Now I prayed, "Oh, Lord, let me hear You, always."

The line that would not let me go

I kept hearing one line from the poem, "How many go forth at morning who never come home at night!"

Any time my husband or children left to live out their days I had no guarantee I would see them again.

As I thought about that inescapable truth my heart dropped.

That very moment I promised myself that never again would I say hurtful words just before I parted from a loved one. Instead, I would smile and say, "I love you." Every time.

When I addressed the gathering of women I found myself giving a talk that included a lot I hadn't planned to say. Afterward, women came up and thanked me for my insights and examples.

My answer never varied: "It's only because God keeps teaching me through the life I'm living."

Truths more lasting than any poem

These were Christian women, after all, and I had nothing magical to give, but I did have God's Word. So I included some of the Bible verses that had swirled in my mind ever since my husband left for the day. Each one applies so well to living together as husband and wife.

Particularly the first verse, which that day seemed written just to me. The second is a familiar text often used at weddings. Both fit marriage relationships very well.

[Jesus said] "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when there is the log in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3-4 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

When my husband and I reunited later that day . . .

I don't recall which of us got home first, but as soon as I saw him, I grabbed him and hugged him tight.

Then I asked him to forgive me for being snippy and told him again how much I loved him and how thankful I was to be his wife. He responded in kind. For the first time in awhile we concentrated on each other and talked. Really talked. About our life and our marriage and our personal needs.

Let's just say it was the start of a lovely evening.

Small insights can lead to clear thinking

How could I have missed remembering that my strong, silent husband needed my love and appreciation as much as I needed his?

How could I have forgotten love grows from giving love away, not from nursing hurts and waiting around for apologies?

Huge breakthroughs often happen in ordinary ways, on ordinary days.

As never before I saw myself and my faulty attitudes and realized I too often "went mountain-climbing over molehills."

That simple poem reminded me what mattered most in my life.

Over the years my husband and I grew in being open and honest with each other–and with ourselves–even though we thought we already were.

You might say that day that started out so wrong planted a new way to think–and it bore fruit within our marriage. It still does, within our wide, ever-growing family.

Fruit that is sweet.

May it do the same for you, my friend,

Lenore

For those days when home life feels bumpy

October 6, 2021
Fathers come in all shapes and sizes and all personalities.

One thing is common to all: Even the best of them have–or had–flaws because, well, they're human beings.

Some dads provide for their family and are physically present, but they remain detached emotionally. Others live with one goal: Provide for their family and give them what they need, plus surround them with love.

Perhaps the man who reared you and did his best to love you wasn't your "natural father," so you shut him out. Now you know he endured pain, too. Why not speak (or write) a few words of respect–and gratitude?

Some of us can't get past our list of what we lacked while growing up

What better time to take a new inventory? You might see there were blessings sprinkled in, too, and you never noticed.

Maybe your loving, stressed-out mom had to go it alone, but an "outsider" in your life nurtured you and influenced you in ways that built strength. A teacher, a coach, a neighbor, or just a kind individual who knew when a kid needs a friend. That's a gift, you know. Have you ever thanked this person?

All these men–or father figures–were there. They gave of themselves, however imperfectly. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Father's Day offers the perfect "excuse" to say the words that matter. Do it now.

And thank God, too, for what was–and is–love.

Love is patient and kind … Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:1a, 7 ESV

When if you missed out on all that?

Maybe you're muttering, "Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk!"

Maybe your dad wasn't there–or he just showed up once in awhile.

That hurts down deep and it's easy to get stuck in what you missed out on. The only way I know to be free of that weight is to let it go. Lay it at the cross of Jesus and move on. Look for what's good now.

One more thing: Revisit your memories, slowly, thoughtfully. Ask God to show you any glimmers of blessing you might have missed and thank God for that.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV

Say it now, while you can

Perhaps it feels like it has been too long and words are hard to find. Set aside your discomfort and do it anyhow.

My dad was like most men of his era and didn't talk much about love. Because of distance I saw my parents infrequently, especially after we moved West. As my father got older I called more often but most of the time we just made unsatisfying small talk.

As years went by I realized I had not put into words what Dad meant to me. So whenever I sent him a letter or greeting card I noted a few qualities I honestly appreciated about him as a man and as a father. And every time we talked by phone I made sure to tell him a time or two, "I love you, Dad," before I hung up.

Later on, after he died, it comforted my heart to remember those conversations. I'll always be glad I did that.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 ESV

Most of us find our insight improves over the years

Probably we understand our parents better once we have children of our own. Your dad and my dad had to learn and grow and endure the same struggles we all do when we have children.

Did they make mistakes? Of course.

For me, I know my father did the best he could, even in the hard times and remained patient and kind. Through all the serious health issues and other hardships my parents faced, they lived out their faith in Jesus Christ.

In countless ways my mother and all our family were blessed because Dad was there for us. Always. No matter what came.

I took that for granted for much of my life. More and more since my father died I understand that who Dad was as a person blessed me. It influenced how I live and who I am, even today.

The righteous who walks in his integrity–blessed are his children after him! Proverbs 20:7 ESV

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26 NIV

What if our emotions are all over the place?

First, let's be patient with ourselves and not be afraid to talk to our loving Heavenly Father about our joys and woes. Whatever is on our hearts.

Psalm 103:13 tells us why we can feel free to do so.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. NIV

If you're not sure he would welcome you, think of this verse, which shows the depth and enormity of God's love:

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16 ESV

That's a love you can trust and settle down in.

My prayer for you, Gentle Reader, is that you feel the Father's love warming your heart right now and every day.

Blessings,

Lenore

Take a fresh look at dear old Dad

June 11, 2021
Are you tired of the same old, same old and looking for a lift?

That feeling comes easy in times like this, when we're weary of uncertainty and warnings day after day and restrictions about this and that.

It's tempting to fixate on what's wrong with our lives. Or our spouse. Or our kids. Our jobs–or lack of same. The four walls we live in.

Right away we post those faults front-and-center on the bulletin boards of our minds and we check it frequently. This gives us a handy reference when we're looking for something or someone to blame for our down moods.

Any time we think of something new–and we will–we pencil it in at the bottom of the list.

It's way too easy to go down that track. Trust me, a person could get stuck in that groove on the road to nowhere.

Molehills grow into mountains in no time.

Stick with the better way

Instead of a gripe list, what if we looked for reasons to be thankful instead of reasons to complain?

Call it a Happiness List or maybe, a Blessings List. Or use a title such as, "What I love about about ____."

Start with the ones you love most. Write their name at the top of a plain sheet of paper and list at least ten good things. Don't look for something huge like "Leaps tall buildings."

It's okay to start with simple things of daily life like brushing one's teeth and throwing dirty socks in the hamper. If necessary, put on your rose-colored glasses. For example, if this one never praises the cook, do they gulp down their meals without complaint? Then write that down on your list. (Eating without comment is way better than eating with complaints, isn't it?)

Do the same for each child–whatever their age–and in-law kids, if you have them. Ditto for individuals in your life who seem a problem. Look past troublesome areas and focus on their good points.

This may feel artificial, but remember your goal: You want to replace stinkin' thinkin' with the good stuff.

Post your list(s) where you can't help seeing them. Read them at least once a day, sometimes out loud and always thoughtfully. Before long you'll find worthy qualities you overlooked before.

Once we start focusing on what's good, we'll find more. This can't help but work positive change in relationships.

Put on your wider focus

It's disturbingly easy to develop tunnel vision and get all wrapped up in ourselves and our wants and needs.

The hard fact is we may not know what our loved ones are feeling. Sometimes it's because we're married to someone who bottles up feelings. Or perhaps we spend our days apart from each other and simply don't know the challenges the others face and what they deal with.

It's likely the people we love don't know our deepest thoughts and concerns, either.

It's possible to feel like a stranger with one's husband or wife, or while surrounded by one's family.

That makes every day time to talk

Talk. Talk from the heart. That can feel awkward if it's not your everyday way of relating.

What's proven helpful for many is to do "Highs and Lows" each day.

Don't fret about the "how-to." What matters is that each one feels comfortable and accepted so sharing doesn't feel risky.

First off, make it a ground rule that each person is allowed to feel what they feel–without teasing or criticism. Then while everyone is together around the dinner table:

Each family member shares the high point of their day.

Next, each one relates what felt to them like a low point that day–while the others listen.

(Keep it to "I messages," as in, "This is how it feels to me.")

Wind up with each one speaking a blessing to the others.

The answers we hear may alter our outlook a little or a lot. A Canadian proverb says it well.

"Walk a mile in my moccasins to learn where they pinch."

Big changes often start with something small

By now you may be thinking this gesture is too minor and undramatic to make any difference. Au contraire, my friends.

Gazing at the world through the perspective of people we love helps draw us closer. We become less critical because we are more aware of how they think and feel–and they of us. As we better understand what they deal with our prayers become more real and in-touch.

By the way, this is never a one-time-for-always-and-done thing. Keeping a loving, positive outlook is a daily battle within our minds. And hearts.

By no coincidence that's where we're most likely to hit quicksand.

If we're stuck in the muck, we need help to climb out

I don't know about you, but I often stumble in my walk of faith. That's why I rejoice that changing my outlook is not all up to me. When we believe in Jesus as our Savior we can be strong, even when we feel weak. He is our Helper, remember?

Here are some Bible verses to help us as we grow:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. —Psalm 51:10

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  –2 Corinthians 5:17

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  –Colossians 3:12-14

Our call is to start where we are and trust God to help us. As we stick with our new resolve and keep on nurturing our relationships with love, keep on growing in faith, we will change–and our happiness level will keep rising.

Learning, too,

Lenore
How to raise your happiness level right where you are

March 17, 2021
Ask any bride or groom what they want from their marriage and they'll answer, "A happy marriage. One that lasts.

"I just want to make him–or her–happy."

On that happy day it's love, love, love all the way.

You'd never hear one or the other proclaiming to their guests, "Once this day is over it's ME FIRST all the way!"

That attitude kills love as surely as Roundup kills weeds.

After every wedding comes a marriage

Over time it's easy to forget those promises and become wrapped up in ourselves and our own needs.

The rosy glow of the wedding fades and real life takes over.

No matter how well we knew each other before, being married strips away any remaining illusions.

Day-after-day responsibilities wear us down.

Then there's the bottom line. We simply don't have it in us to be always sweet, loving and unselfish.

We are human beings. Even believers saved in Christ and redeemed in Christ remain imperfect.

As the Apostle Paul put it in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT):

And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.

I heard Paul's words in my mind every time I "forgot" to be the kind of wife I wanted to be.

After a long day, we're too exhausted to think–or care–about the needs of our husband or wife.

Then it's easy to give in to the "me first" mode.

Yet Jesus loves us! Here's the rest of the story, from John 3:16-17 (ESV):

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

Tender plants need nurturing; so does a marriage

Most marriages can survive spells when one or the other spouse is under pressure and has no time–or energy–for nurturing. If it drags on long-term the marriage may endure, but the joy will slowly seep out of it.

No wife wants to be neglected. Neither does any husband.

If we want a strong marriage we're called to care more about our marriage and our spouse than having our own way.

This is not to say one spouse always "wins" and the other "loses." It's more about attitude, how we think and how we speak–kindly and considerately or abruptly and absent-mindedly.

Easy to do? Never.

Is it worth it? Always.

Old wisdom that's still true

On the day my husband and I were married a sweet little lady gave me some advice:

"Dearie, treat him like a king and he'll treat you like a queen."

If that sentence makes you see red because you think it's unfair and one-sided, consider this: Most husbands give back what they get.

So do most wives.

(Can I hear an Amen?)

Besides, who among us wouldn't like to live the life of a queen? Or a king?

Three simple principles

The story goes that someone found this carved on a tree at a Christian campground. I can't think of a better formula for maintaining a happy marriage:

God before we

We before you

You before me

Jesus said much the same thing in Mark 12:30-31:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these."

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 ESV

This much I know for sure

In every situation, every time of life, every day, we can rejoice in what is, or we can bemoan what's missing.

Always, we get to choose. And our choices dictate what comes next.

Learning, always,

Lenore
Build a lasting marriage on “we” instead of “me”

February 11, 2021
Television interviews and articles on marriage can plant the belief if two people are right for each other, their marriage will be perfect.

Consider that an example of faulty reasoning.

Or buying into someone else's notion of what a marriage should be.

Proceed carefully to avoid getting stuck in that patch of quicksand.

Substitute this foundation truth instead, whether you're single or married, rich or perpetually cash-strapped:

Nobody's life is perfect.

No marriage is perfect.

How could it be when no living human being is perfect?

What's true is this: There's no one like you–or your spouse

Whomever one marries comes equipped with:

a distinct personality

unique strengths and weaknesses

an individual outlook on life

beliefs that may differ

Instead of viewing this as a problem, what if we saw it as a strength?

Such differences can mean that together, the couple is stronger, more complete than either one is on their own.

Still, meshing two lives–even when wife and husband are well-matched–-can be a long, delicate process.

Patience and good humor go a long way to smooth out the inevitable bumps and rough spots.

Marriage in real life

There's no prescribed pattern to what makes for a happy marriage. Marriages are as different as the people in them.

Even the strongest marriages usually display a pattern of happy periods interspersed with times when the relationship is a bit strained and needs special attention.

It's no accident that the traditional marriage vows contain the phrase, "as long as we both shall live." In one's marriage relationship and as individuals, we keep growing and changing over a lifetime.

If we obsess over the troublesome patches in our marriage relationship we too often cheat ourselves out of what could be happy times.

Wisdom from a pro

I heard a counselor speak–sorry, I forgot his name–who works with married couples. He advises couples to picture their marriage relationship as a living thing the two of them created. Together.

A living thing as much in need of tender, watchful care as an infant.

Then he asks, "How would you keep this living thing healthy?" and "How would you care for it if it were ailing?"

Here are two of his main points:

Every living thing needs regular tending and nurturing to keep it alive. So does a marriage.

Think of regularly spending time together and really listening to each other as the "water" and "food" your marriage needs to stay healthy and thrive.

Can we keep it simple?

Absolutely. For starters, make it a priority to ask each other, "How's it going for you?" at least once a day.

Then be sure to listen to the answer. Try to make this a daily practice, free of distractions like cell phones and the TV.

If you think this couldn't make a difference, ask the couples (and families) who live by this. Most find it pays rich dividends and nourishes love because each one knows the other(s) cares.

Taking this small amount of consideration as an essential part of every day proves to the other person that you value them and love them. Not if. Not when. But now.

Plug in to the power

Life is complicated! How can we find the right focus for our days?

Many think these verses sum up the essentials for a happy life and a happy marriage:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. –Philippians 4:8 NIV

And now just as you trusted Christ to save you, trust Him, too, for each day's problems; live in vital union with Him. Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him. See that you go on growing in the Lord, and become strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with joy and thanksgiving for all He has done. –Colossians 2:6-7 TLB

It's been true since the beginning: As we think in our hearts, so are we.

That's good news! It means we can choose to think rightly and concentrate on building a strong, growing marriage–and life.

And that makes all the difference.

With love,

Lenore
Forget the “perfect marriage” myth and be happier

August 13, 2020
Valentine's Day is big, but what comes after February 14th?

Now, that's the real issue, isn't it?

Over the years I've teased out the differences between what I thought as a young romantic and what I know now.

Dreams vs. reality

*The darling man I would marry would wow me with beautiful gestures of love.

The darling man I did marry wowed me by quietly living out love.

*Beforehand, I assumed marriage to the man I truly loved would be easy.

Afterward, I discovered real marriage to the real man I truly loved sometimes grew tense and a slight chill descended, but if we kept talking we could work it through.

*The mate I saw in my imagination would never be too busy to listen to my ramblings.

The mate I saw over the kitchen table sometimes seemed preoccupied, but he heard what was on my heart.

*The lover in my romantic dreams regularly would lapse into extravagant declarations of love, like a movie hero who makes his lady swoon.

The lover in my 24/7 life saw me at my absolute worst more than once and declared me still beautiful to him, which made me swoon.

*My future husband would be one who stood for truth and beauty and what is right and of course, everyone would look up to him.

My real life husband lived out his faith in Jesus in his everyday doings–and all the rest followed.

*The one I dreamed of making a life with would come home with a happy heart and swing me off my feet.

The one I shared a life with loved being home and his heart was happy if mine was. Always, he could "swing me off my feet" with that smile.

*The young man I fell in love with could give me "butterflies in my stomach" with a smile or an arm around my waist.

The always-young man I married still gave me flutters with that certain smile or that certain hug.

*Before marriage I supposed I could only fall in love with an exceptional man.

After marriage I came to understand my husband and I were one ordinary man and one ordinary woman. Our day-after-day mutual love and support transformed us into something special–at least in each other's eyes. Who could ask for more?

By now you know me better

You've figured out I used words in past tense. Yes, my forever Valentine went home to Jesus some months ago, after years of declining health.

I will love him and miss him all my days, but I am thankful and at peace. The Lord gifted us many decades in which to love each other and live our together life. We both were blessed–and we knew it.

More and more as the years flew by, we understood how the Lord watched over us and our family. We could see how He supplied strength for each day, in our best of times, sure, but also when we hit a rough patch.

We each could echo the words of my favorite grandmother, whom I saw last when she was 99:

"God has been so good to me. He never left me alone for a minute!"

Reasons we can love and live in trust

[Jesus said] A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. John 13:34-35

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

God is good, my friends. Let us rejoice and be glad in Valentine's Day–and every day!

Lovingly,

Lenore

My Forever Valentine

February 13, 2020
Not long ago I heard someone say, "So many couples I know have split up that I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible to have a happy marriage!"

I wanted to break in, but I wasn't part of their group. Besides, every reply I thought of sounded lame, but her remark kept my brain on simmer all day long.

Here's what I wish I had said to her.

For starters, I know of three essentials for a strong marriage.

Commitment – Making each other and our marriage a priority.

For a marriage to thrive it's vital that each partner love and value their–and say so. Often. Every day. Even oftener.

It's just as important that each one gives their all to making their marriage work. That means our marriage relationship comes first, even above their children's demands.

Yes, I know that sounds pie-in-the-sky. Every day jobs and kids and extended family get in the way of concentrating on each other. How do we come even close?

It's a constant shuffle. Seven days a week we give and take and adjust, always knowing the balance will keep changing depending on need.

The key is remembering what–and who–counts most.

Truth: A marriage that gets only leftover scraps of our time and energy may endure, but it will be just a shadow of what marriage can be.

Communication - Being honest–and kind–with each other.

"We don't communicate" is a frequent complaint, especially from wives to husbands. (Husbands are likely to answer, "What do you mean? We talk.")

It helps to remember that God wires males and females differently. Just watch any small boy and girl. Little girls talk. And talk. And talk. Little boys make noises and poke and run around.

No wonder most women feel quite comfortable opening up, believing that talking helps two people understand each other.

The typical male does not share that perception.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said most men do not know what they're feeling until their wife tells them.

Building a life together is somewhat like peeling an onion. Each of us wears layers of self-protection. We hold back from letting others know "the real me" until we feel utterly safe with them.

Even with our husband or wife.

Building trust takes awhile. Learning to be free and open with each other is an ongoing process. Be patient–and guard this trust like the precious jewel it is.

Love - Selfless. Giving. Accepting.

Our role model? Jesus. He said, "Love one another as I have loved you," (John 13:34.)

To follow his example as marriage partners means we're willing to set aside our own wants and needs for the sake of what our husband or wife wants or needs. Sometimes one "wins," sometimes the other.

If each one does this it becomes precious and mutually satisfying.

It means we can count on our husband or wife, no matter what.

A new way to think

All this becomes easier if we set our minds in different grooves. After marriage it's:

"We," not "I"

"Us," not "me"

"Ours," not "mine"

When we think "we," not "I," it changes the way we think and what we do.

Our thoughts lead to words and our words set the tone for our lives. And for our marriages.

Our children–at every age–watch and listen. That greatly influences what kind of marriage they want to have. Or not have.

Good advice from the Apostle Paul

As always, Paul keeps it plain and simple as he counsels us how to live as God's people, whether married or single.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.     Ephesians 4:2 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.    1 Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Nobody's perfect, but always, we have choices

In all of life. Married or single. We can choose celebrities and cynics as our authorities and role models.

Or we can tune our heart–and our life–to truths from the Bible. Truths that have stood the test of time.

Which will it be for you?

Wishing you joy in your life, always,

Lenore
What does it take to have a happy marriage that lasts?

November 27, 2019
A lot of people sincerely believe that staying married runs counter to human nature

Don't fall into that trap.

Think back to how God set up marriage in the beginning, when Adam said Eve was "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh." (Genesis 2)

Does that sound like an arrangement meant to last only for awhile?

Building a lifetime marriage starts with first believing–and continuing to believe–that staying married for life is possible.

This is not "magical thinking," ignoring the difficulties of real life.

It's keeping your eyes on your spouse and your day-to-day life together.

Focusing on your mutual goal(s)–and letting petty annoyances go.

Fixing in your mind the picture of the marriage you want to live in.

What's worthwhile takes effort–and brings joy

Our story started long ago when my husband and I were young and clueless. He smiled at me and my heart did flip-flops.

Then we knew we were lucky–and blessed–to find each other.

Now we know we are lucky–and blessed–to still have each other.

That February day we vowed to love each other for life–and had no doubts our marriage would last, convinced we had something special between us. (Still do.)

Later on we saw how our unquestioning mindset helped us get through the inevitable ups and downs of making a life together.

Over and over our pledge of love for a lifetime bridged us back to feeling close and in love again.

Truths gleaned over a lot of years

It's not up to our husband–or wife–to make us happy
Despite the stuff of romance novels and movies, our happiness is up to us.

Making our spouse feel good about who they are costs us nothing except thoughtfulness
Besides, isn't that what each of us wants for the one we love? And from the one we love?

News flash: Males and females think differently
This naturally colors the way we view people and situations. Get past "Why can't he … ?" or "Why can't she … ?" and respect each other's right to an individual viewpoint. Only then can you talk over issues without heat.

Learning to communicate–and really listen to each other–takes time–but it's worth it
Be real and be honest, but also be kind. My husband and I don't always look at life through the same glasses but we came to understand that's a strength. Together we are more than either of us on our own.

Mutual trust is like gold
Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a careless instant, so guard it carefully. Besides, if we're not on each other's side, who will be?

Relationships thrive on authenticity
Being one way in public and another at home, whether in words or actions, destroys from the inside. Sarcasm does the same, so resist the temptation to put each other down, even with "humor."

Simple kindness makes life better for both
We adjust and make allowances for our friends without getting upset. With friends we easily say, "Oh, you know how he or she is" and let it go. When we learn to do the same for our spouse we bless their lives–and our own.

Marriage relationships can wither, even die, unless they're nourished
Keep priorities straight. Except in emergencies or with infants, Mom and Dad's relationship needs to come before The Children. (Kids feel secure because they don't fear their parents might split up.)

A life built on shared faith in God helps a couple withstand life's storms
Faith provides a "why" to hang onto and helps because we know we don't have to flounder through life on our own strength. God is love and helps us keep on loving through whatever comes. (Even if we're spiritually single, our faith helps us establish a solid foundation for living.)

Most of the time we get back what we give out

There will be times you feel inadequate or overwhelmed. That's the time to talk to God and to each other and to remember Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. NKJV

If you need more help, ask your pastor to recommend one or more trustworthy counselors. (Yes, you risk being vulnerable, but hanging onto pride makes for an empty victory.)

Now take a deep breath and recommit. You married for life, remember?

Praying for you,

Lenore
What does it take to stay married?

April 3, 2019
Poet Ogden Nash penned a short rhyme that's good advice for every wife and husband.

    To keep your marriage brimming

    With love in the loving cup,

    Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

    Whenever you're right, shut up.

My husband and I have been married for many decades and let's just say we've proven Nash is right enough times to know it's true.

Years ago I found another good piece on marriage. Sorry, I don't know who wrote it.

Practical Ways to Grow a Marriage

Never both be angry at the same time.

Never talk at one another, either alone or in company.

Never speak loudly to one another, unless the house is on fire.

Let each one put the other's needs and wants ahead of their own.

Never taunt with a past mistake.

Neglect the whole world rather than one another.

Never part for a day without loving words to remember.

Never make a mean remark at the expense of the other.

Never meet without a loving welcome.

Never let the sun go down upon any anger or grievance.

Never forget the happy hours of early love.

Never forget that God instituted marriage and His blessing alone can make it what it should be.

Remember to pray for God's blessing–and enabling.

That list makes us cringe, doesn't it?

We think, "No one could live up to all that!"

True, no one can, not perfectly. But if we tried, couldn't it ramp up our joy in our marriages? (Basic rule of human relationships: We get back what we give out.)

So let's consider this more of a checklist for growth–and prayer. Some may think it's useless to pray because their marriage is too full of hurt and disappointment. They have no love left to give.

Then it's time to recall Matthew 19:26:

But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible. (KJV)

No human being is hopeless. No marriage, no relationship is too far gone for God's healing

Even when love feels dry and dusty. Even when we think love has died.

Here's why, from 1 John 4:7:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.

That's good news, because what bride and groom really understand what they're pledging when they vow to love for life?

To promise is easy. To live out those promises 24/7, ah, that's the hard part.

We were two kids, so in love and so idealistic–and so clueless. Years of doing life together taught us the deep meaning contained in those familiar words: "…for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part."

You see, by now we've experienced something of every word except, thank God, for "until death do us part."

Love is a daily decision

One of the most useful principles we learned in Marriage Encounter was, "Love is not just an emotion. Love is a daily decision."

So we decide again. And pray again. And thank God again. And begin again. It's an endless cycle.

And so we make it through life, day by day, and our love grows deeper, too.

By this time we can look back and see the lasting value of what we've built. Together. A happy marriage, a living creation that keeps growing and changing over the years.

And so do we, as individuals and as people of faith.

Lovingly,

Lenore
How to keep the love brimming in your “loving cup”

February 2, 2019
As I waited in the long check-in line I couldn't help overhearing the interchange between a thirty-something couple just ahead.

The petite wife sobbed as she pushed back an errant strand of her long dark hair. Then she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and said, "I just don't want to leave this place. My mom is here and all my friends."

"I know, I know," her husband said gently, then wrapped his burly arms around her and pulled her close.

He stared off in the distance, then said, "Sweetheart, we've talked this over so many times and we agreed we can't pass up this opportunity. This will give us a so much brighter future. Remember?"

She nodded, tears still streaking her cheeks.

"It'll be okay, Hon, I know it will. Can't we just go and try to be happy?"

At that moment the airline clerk beckoned them forward.

Meeting up again

When we got to our gate, there they were. Their conversation was sparse, mostly the husband methodically pointing out why their upcoming move would be good. She bit her quivering lip and nodded her head.

I could have written the script for their exchanges, since my husband and I have lived it a time or two.

Soon the wife headed toward the restroom.

That's when I glimpsed the young husband's heart. His eyes, filled with love, were glued to her departing back. Once she was out of sight his shoulders sagged. Now his face betrayed his pain, his mouth working, and he wiped his eyes a time or two.

As soon as she reappeared he pasted on a big smile and sat up straighter.

Perhaps she looked over and judged him to be a man who put opportunity first. Maybe she thought him filled with confidence. She might even have supposed he didn't much care about what mattered to her.

This couple kept me thinking all the way to my destination

I couldn't escape the sense they communicated a lot about love and marriage.

We females more often wear our feelings openly. When our husbands don't respond with equal emotion we may think them cold, uncaring, even selfish. All the while they may be holding back their own emotions.

Could that be because we say we want them to be strong? Disciplined? Responsible?

The young husband's dejected look and stance the minute his wife walked away telegraphed his personal struggle. But he never let his wife see that. She needed to believe that he believed their plan was wise and good–and swallow any reservations of his own.

How often hasn't my husband done that for me?

I suspect the answer would be more often than I ever guessed.

Bringing their story home

I don't know what happened to those two, but I'm grateful I was able to peek inside their life for those few minutes.

They caused me to look within. I confess I didn't much like what I saw.

How often have I been so full of my own emotion I was blind to my husband's feelings?

God gave me a gift that day, another personal object lesson. A reminder to look–and judge–with my heart, not just my eyes. Otherwise it's making the world all about ME.

Jesus spoke of another kind of love

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." –John 13:34-35 (NIV)

Not one of us can live up to that standard, but we can be careful to value the opinions and emotions of our husband–or wife–and other family members as much as our own.

That love and respect is like soothing oil on an aching wound, especially in situations when we can't quite get on the same page.

Isn't it a wonder how again and again God surprises us with flashes of insight in unexpected ways . . . if we open the eyes of our hearts.

Still learning,

Lenore

Learning about love from strangers in an airport

June 21, 2017