Category: Parenting

Picture a person who constantly takes a reading on their state of happiness.

From what I've seen it's not a peaceful way to live. The individual who keeps wanting more can never relax.

How could they? Their self-examination goes on 24/7:

Am I happy today?

Am I as happy as I could be? If not, why not? Is it his fault? Her fault?

Something must be wrong, or I would be happy all the time.

I must be depressed. Maybe I need to see someone so I can get over my depression.

All I really want in life is to be happy!

A University of Denver study reached what seems an implausible conclusion: The more a person wants to be happy the more likely it is that the person will be unhappy.

Now here's the real shocker. Those with the highest desire to be happy and the least amount of stress in their lives almost always rated themselves more unhappy in every measure.

That doesn't sound right, does it?

These researchers finally concluded that people who every day deal with lots of stress and difficulty do not expect to be happy in the moment. Therefore, these folks are not disappointed when they are not.

Probably the reason why comes down to simple logic. When getting through each day takes all our energy, both physical and emotional, asking ourselves Am I happy today? can feel irrelevant.

Here's another surprising finding: Those who care for others and do more for others rate themselves higher on the happiness scale than those who don't.

I suspect you and I are not so different from those who participated in that study

When things are going well and we have more leisure, we have time to wonder how we look and how we'll make that payment and how can we get our husbands–or wives–to be more romantic.

Simply put, we have time to focus on our own flaws–and everyone else's deficiencies, too. Real or imagined, such thoughts are like gnats at a picnic. They prevent us from relaxing and enjoying what's spread in front of us.

That's when we begin to wonder if we're "really happy."

Some thoughts from a marriage and family counselor in private practice

This professional noticed a trend in her clients. On their first appointment right away many new clients announce to her they are depressed.

When she asks how they know that's true, they answer, "Because I want to be happy more than anything else–and I should be, because there's nothing really wrong with my life.

"But some days I'm just not happy, so that must mean something is wrong. I must be depressed and need counseling. I probably need medication, too."

This counselor said usually the hardest thing is getting clients to understand that nobody lives a life that's 100 percent happy, 365 days a year. Once they accept that fact, they suddenly see more good in their lives.

Don't misunderstand. True depression is serious and it can be debilitating and hard to treat. There are as many variations of this illness as there are people. All that is true.

This counselor's comments point to an important truth for parents

It's a fact of life that for every human being that some days are good, some not so much. That's life. For every human being.

This means we do our children no favors when we frequently ask, "Are you happy?" Or when we tell them they should be happy.

Letting our children and teens gain experience in dealing with disappointment and failures during their growing-up years helps them be ready to one day live on their own. They learn how to adjust and how to cope with life without sinking under the load.

It's fair to say we give our kids a lifetime gift when we help them understand this truth and learn to take each day for what it is. Teaching them to search out the good in each day, whether it's judged "good" or "bad."

The writer of Ecclesiastes capsulized that truth in 7:14 and it's still worth pondering–for all of us:

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.

This we know, whatever the situation:

Whatever comes into our lives, God is with us in the midst of it and we never walk alone–unless we insist upon it.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Here's the bottom line. Plain-speaking Abraham Lincoln said this long ago and no one has said it better:

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

The question for you and me, the question that's applicable every day, whatever our age or life situation is this: What will I choose to think?

Lovingly,

Lenore

Beware Making Happiness Your Number One Goal

April 22, 2023
It's no wonder so many people don't even try to eat together.

Ask busy parents you know and you'll likely hear something like this: "It's too hard to get everyone together–and keep them there. (Sigh.) Our lives are so busy that eating on the run is way easier."

Yet eating together is way more than sitting at a table and consuming food. Sharing a family meal symbolizes what we all long for, a deeper connection with those we love.

Sure, it's quicker to stop for fast food or hit the drive-through. Lots of us eat in our cars. Some of us eat takeout in front of our laptop or TV. In a multitasking life it seems, well, natural. Besides, at the end of a hectic day who wants to cook and clean up? After all, this is 2023.

Look from a different angle. We save time, yes, but we may lose what matters more.

For once, TV models the good stuff

I'm a longtime fan of the long-running hit TV show, "Blue Bloods" and I've always thought the best part of each episode is when their family comes together for Sunday dinner. Some years ago writer David Hitbrand looked into what attracts this show's consistently large audience. Here are a couple of quotes:

The sentimental majority opinion holds that it's the show's weekly dinner scene, during which four generations of Reagans — presided over by the patriarch (Len Cariou) — bicker, spar and celebrate one another.

"That scene is the favorite of so many people," says "Blue Bloods" executive producer, Leonard Goldberg. "Italian people, Jewish people, Greek people — they all say the same thing: 'That's my family.' "

Perhaps that's because the Reagans do more than eat together

As they prepare the meal and work together, then sit down at their huge dining table, they depict a healthy family in action.

They do a lot of one-on-one sharing in the kitchen.

They begin their meals with thanking God for their food and often, for each other.

They do "celebrate" each other. For any child or adult, there's something really sweet about having another family member praise us in front of the rest.

They talk and listen to each other with respect, even when they disagree. Younger family members participate, too. Sometimes an adult corrects a youngster or offers a principle to remember.

They leave the table reminded they are family, they are one.

Families are like branches on a tree. We grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one. –Anon

Building family bonds in our own homes

I know a couple that early on resolved to eat their evening meal together. They had to work around a crazy schedule, but were committed to staying tuned-in to how their children viewed their world. (You may be thinking, Aren't we all?)

Once they had talked it through they kicked off sharing daily "highs" and "lows" over dinner, not at all sure how it would come out. The basic premise was that each family member would name their best and worst points of the day–in as much detail as they liked. Mom and Dad spoke their joys and concerns, too–with discretion.

These normal children sometimes protested and could be moody or quiet. "Some nights they'd say, 'recess' for both their high and their low," the father says with a smile. "We never tried to talk them out of it because they lived their day at school, not us.

"We learned to listen with more sensitive ears and not jump in right away with advice or admonishment. Often it seemed nothing happened, but over time those highs and lows proved a wonderful tool. The proof of that is that when our children grew into adolescence they took over reminding us anytime we forgot to build in highs and lows. Now any time they come home on vacation they insist we get right back into it over dinner.

"Over the years our conversations became more meaningful and so did our prayers. Without question this daily sharing strengthened the love and closeness within our family."

No skills training needed

Just start–and be patient with yourselves. Aim to gather everyone around for one meal of every day, whichever works best for you. Keep it fancy or plain, serve sandwiches or steak, your choice–and yes, takeout or DoorDash is okay. Whatever works best for your family.

It helps to remember the goal is simply to establish a routine that helps draw your family closer. The resulting sense of connectedness can melt away a lot of strain.

(By the way, it works well for wives and husbands, too.)

Let love be your motivation and count on the love of God to make it grow. It's as the Apostle Paul wrote to his friends:

May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 NIV

Or take Mother Teresa to heart:

"What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family."

Blessings to you,

Lenore
How eating together as a family pays lifetime dividends

April 13, 2023
We seldom think about the messages we send the world, but we should.

I got a shocking reminder of that truth one day when I was out shopping. A smiling white-haired lady who looked a bit like my late grandmother put her hand on my shoulder and said, "Aw, Honey, it can't be that bad."

I stared at her in confusion and said, "Excuse me? I don't know what you mean."

Eyes twinkling, she smiled and said, "Well, I noticed you look like you lost your last friend. I just want you to know whatever the trouble is, you'll get through it and it helps to smile. That's all.

"Now you take care of yourself, Sweetie. Whatever's going on with you, it's just life. Sometimes life is hard, but you can do hard, I know you can. You'll be okay."

I thanked her for caring, still mystified.

Then I passed a mirror–and stopped short. She was right. I did look grim.

Do you ever do that?

That day I realized I probably wore that face more often than I knew. Whether I label it "concentration" or "preoccupied," that face was not a good idea.

First, because pinching up one's face leads to (gasp!) wrinkles.

Second, because what people read on our faces affects their moods.

Third, because if we say we have the joy and peace of Jesus, we'd better look as if we do. Otherwise our words of faith sound empty.

Fourth–and just as important–it's not fair to the people in our world.

As someone said, we owe the world a happy face

Why? Because you and I affect the people around us. Our families. Our co-workers. Strangers in stores.

Each of them is walking around and dealing with their lives and their problems, which may be all they can manage at the moment. Why should they have to dredge up strength to keep from "catching" our bad moods?

If you're a mom or dad you probably know that when we parents crackle with tension our kids walk on tiptoe around us.

And if we live in Tension City our children pattern the behavior as the way to live. Our uptight way of coping with life becomes their "normal."

Yes, but "Nobody knows the trouble I seen . . . "

That old spiritual speaks truth, doesn't it? No one can know or feel exactly what another person is living with. As the song says, nobody knows our hurt and pain but Jesus, who says:

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 ESV

"Heavy laden." Don't we feel that way sometimes?

The NIV translates that verse:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Whether we're feeling overworked and over-stressed, weighed down by cares or stuck in a situation we cannot change, He can give us rest.

It's the only rest that lasts.

Eight hours of sleep or a nap refreshes temporarily, but deep-down rest for our hearts can be found only one place. In Jesus.

Life. It will wear us down, but Jesus lifts us up. Always.

The key is to turn our thoughts and our hearts to Him instead of getting mired in the problem-of-the-moment.

He's the One who carries us through each day on His shoulders, who turns our mourning into dancing.

(Jesus said) "I have said these things to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 ESV

If we keep our eyes on Him we can be at peace, even during the hard times–and our faces will show it.

As that kindly lady in the store put it, "Whatever's going on with you, it's just life. Sometimes life is hard, but you can do hard, I know you can."

My friend, you can do hard, I know you can.

I wish you peace and joy in Jesus, today and every day,

Lenore
Be careful what your facial expression broadcasts

October 17, 2022
Every parent knows the tone of voice that goes along with that refrain.

It's about as thrilling as fingernails dragging across a blackboard. What to do?

Our quartet often gave moving performances that caused me either to stifle my laughter or–after awhile–wish for a quickie way to quiet the mob.

I had none, so out of desperation more than anything, I came up with a standard reply. "You're bored? Oh, that's too bad. Here's what you'll need to clean the bathroom sink(s.) Go make it shine!"

Or, "Here, this broom should be the right size for you to use as you sweep the porch and sidewalks."

Or, "I just heard the clothes dryer signal that the towels are dry. Please take the towels out of the dryer and fold them."

You get the idea. After a day or two of such suggestions nobody complained of being bored.

I also discovered it boosts incentive to hold out the carrot of a reward when the chores are done. A trip to the park or ice cream treats can prove magical. Or try a family trip to your public library because kids still love being able to choose "their" books or whatever to bring home with them.

Be sure they see you reading, too. Often.

Creativity shines with enough free time

At our house we went for creativity more than toys and gadgets, so summer became a time when dreaming up concepts boomed. We always kept raw materials on hand like cardboard boxes of all sizes, assorted papers, crayons, colored pencils, markers, scraps of fabric, Mod Podge, glue, etc.

Trips to craft and discount stores and also yard sales yielded interesting cords and ribbon, pretty gift papers, paints, glitter, wooden boxes and frames, etc.

Was it messy? Sure. After the first time I proclaimed that our kingdom had a new never-break-it rule. From then on NO doing anything until old newspapers or an old plastic tablecloth or something like that had been put down on the work surface. (Was I ready to help with this? You betcha.)

All this costs almost nothing, but it's a great way for kids to experiment and have fun together.

Why bother, when cell phones and computers can keep kids occupied for hours?

Technology may be everywhere, but human nature–and kid nature–hasn't changed that much.

Creating still brings more satisfaction than consuming an endless stream of "stuff" on screens, some of it questionable. Besides, people still matter more than things. Don't your favorite family memories feature times when you did nothing much and just enjoyed being together?

This requires free time, which may require planning.

Scheduling each child for some activity every minute of every day eats up free time. Too much time watching TV, being on computers and cell phones does the same. We all need time to "just be."

That's why limiting time on phones and computers and enforcing time limits are important. (Yes, this inconveniences Mom and Dad, too, because as you no doubt discovered early on, we have to live what we preach or nobody pays attention to our words.)

Note: This will not earn you the title of "Miss Popularity."

Remember who you are

God gave you these children and you are in charge.

Yes, it's a lot of responsibility, but it's also a privilege. You're helping shape the way these young human beings develop and grow.

Even if each child is a bona fide genius, you know better than they what counts most in getting them ready for life as well-rounded individuals.

As radical as it sounds in our times, research has shown that sometimes sports and various "enrichment" activities are not what each child in your family–or you, for that matter–needs most. They've been created one of a kind, remember?

Give each family member–and yourself–a gift. Look for ways to nurture their individual talents and skills.

Maybe what each family member needs most is some unprogrammed time to let down. At any age, reading a book or lying under a tree just for the sake of looking up at the sky is not "wasted time."

I promise you the world will not stop.

Being unscheduled is not the same as being bored

Summer offers a defined opportunity to try new things. Later you can decide what comes next. Or doesn't. Think of it as time to refuel and rediscover.

Both your children and you may be surprised to find that in the midst of "nothing happening," a lot of personal growth occurred–and none of you were bored.

For now, go with the rhythm of your days. Be quiet and rest. For right now, just be.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6 ESV

In quietness and in trust shall be your strength. Isaiah 30:15 ESV

Learning, too,

Lenore

One strategy to deal with the wail, “I am sooo bored!”

July 7, 2022
Sometimes God chooses unlikely ways to remind us we have a lot to be thankful for, doesn't He?

I won't forget the day I learned a lot by eavesdropping on someone else's conversation.

Let me explain.

One morning I stopped a local coffee shop and soon got jolted out of my private little pity party. (It wasn't much fun, anyway.)

The hostess seated me in a booth close to a table where two men seemed really intent on their conversation.

One man had a radio-announcer voice that carried, even though he spoke softly. I couldn't help overhearing and once he started talking I didn't want to miss a word. Besides, I wanted to finish my coffee and snack. I grabbed my trusty note pad and jotted down his key points.

Here's my best recap of his story

"I have one brother, the only family I have left. We've never been close, but we talked by phone once in awhile. We lived a couple hundred miles apart, so we didn't know much about each other's lives, but that was okay with both of us.

"One day I got a call from a Child Welfare worker in his city. She told me the police arrested my brother and his wife for dealing drugs. They took his three children out of the house and turned them over to Child Welfare.

"The social worker told me my brother's kids would go into foster care unless my wife and I took them. We were their only hope and she wanted an answer by the next day. I was speechless and my wife even more so. We talked and talked and cried and prayed half the night. At last we said Yes, thinking it would be short-term.

"Not so. Eventually my brother and his wife were convicted of running a drug ring and both got long prison sentences.

"It's been hard, hard, hard, even though we've talked to our pastor and friends many times and we've had family counseling. My 9-year old nephew adapted pretty well. My 11-year old niece keeps it all inside, but those two both call us Mom and Dad and really, that's what we are. We're the ones who are there and who will be there, and we love them. They all know that, even the 15-year old.

"She still has nightmares. She rebels in just about every way she can dream up, no matter what we do. We're coming to think perhaps what she needs most is beyond our ability, maybe some kind of special mental-health treatment for awhile, to help her heal.

"We've prayed and tried to pour out love, but we've also failed in a lot of ways. I think I didn't really know much about talking to God before this upheaval in our lives. One thing I know, we wouldn't have made it without God giving us strength, minute-by-minute. Sometimes we've thought we couldn't keep on, but God has brought us this far, so we trust Him for the future.

"Here's the wonderful surprise and extra blessing in all this. We missed seeing it for quite awhile. Then recently we thought back to the early days of our marriage when the doctors told us we never would have children of our own and we were crushed. Now here we are with three kids, two of them doing very well. Now we are at peace. In spite of all the pain, we have joy and we know we did the right thing."

As I rose to leave I glanced at the men and saw they both had tears in their eyes. They matched my own.

A change of heart

You won't be surprised to hear I walked out with a new perspective on challenges in my life, my heart brimming with thanks and praise.

Thanks for that man and his wife who opened their home and their hearts and changed the lives–and the future–of three hurting youngsters. (And their own.)

Thanks to God for supplying the love and strength they needed to give of themselves, day by day, and not count the cost.

Thanks that they can see the blessings and joy hidden within their daily sacrifices.

That conversation refocused my thinking in how to look at challenges in my life.

Like that couple, let's open our eyes to the joy!

The Apostle Paul well knew personal suffering but he also knew how to find joy. I love the way he sums up his secret in Philippians 4:

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice! … Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers (and sisters) whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things . . . And the God of peace will be with you. (Selected from Phil. 4:4-9 NIV)

"Rejoice!" It's not a suggestion, it's more like a must. An attitude we choose.

"If anything is excellent or praiseworthy … " Paul is telling us that whatever comes we can search out some bit of excellence or cause for praise. IF we wear that mindset as we look for it rather than getting stuck in our problems and disappointments. IF we remind ourselves that our loving God never leaves us on our own.

We will find the good, not because we're so great, but because God is faithful to those who trust in Him.

Trusting, too,

Lenore
Why it helps us to remember what’s good and right and true

June 25, 2022
Sometimes it can be a challenge to know what really drives us.

When good friends get together the conversation can wander into unexpected territory. Roadside bombs may litter the way.

Like the time a group of us started talking about being parents and occasionally wondering why we do what what we do.

"Honestly, sometimes it's like my mother has taken over my thoughts–and my mouth," said "Kim." "It's as if I don't know if it's me talking or if I'm just a replay of my mom."

"Angie" said, "I know. When I was a kid what I hated most of all were the times my brothers and I would misbehave or maybe, disappoint her. Then my mom would go all cold and silent.

"I vowed if I ever had children I would never, ever do that! Makes no difference. I love my kids, I really do, but when they act up I can feel myself going all cold and icy. My throat actually closes up. It has taken me a very long time and a lot of prayer to change at all and even so, I still have to watch myself."

Peeling back the layers

"JoJo" said, "I wish I had understood before we married how much my husband is like his workaholic father. I think then at least I would have been prepared, sort of."

After that everyone chimed in with their own story about negative messages and patterns that still influenced their lives.

In no time gloom settled over us like a black cloud.

That's when "Annie" broke through with a bit of sunshine. "Okay, enough! Let's not get stuck on the past and how our parents messed us up. I'll bet we all can remember good things, too.

"Take my parents, for instance. They made lots of mistakes, but they were crazy about each other–and it showed. They laughed a lot and my friends always wanted to come to our house. What sticks with me is the love and the laughter. Am I the only one who thinks her parents did a good job?"

That's all it took to turn the conversation around. Soon every one of us found several ways our parents blessed us–for life.

We leave imprints, too

From the beginning we all intend to be a good parents. We want our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith in God that will carry them through. We aim to be the best mom or dad any kid ever had.

The trouble is we're human and life is hard.

For many of us the necessary, non-parenting part of life takes up a lot of our time and energy. We end up too tired to listen enough or laugh enough, let alone be the wise and wonderful parent we imagined we would be.

We rush here and there, trying to be all things to all people. Inevitably, we fail at that because it's an impossible standard.

All the while our children are growing up. And storing up memories.

What I know now–and wish I'd known in the beginning

The truth can be so obvious we could miss it altogether.

Every child ever born, no matter where, no matter when, will experience good times and not-so-good times during their years from birth to adulthood.

What we–and our children–do with that depends on us as individuals. What we–and they–remember also is affected by personality. Who knows but that may play as big a part as what was factual.

That's not to imply any of us–or our children–are lying.

The friend who recalled her laughing mother and father said, "Oh, they weren't perfect, but these are the memories I choose to carry with me. My sister was there at the same time, but she doesn't remember those years the same way."

Raising children is a challenge. It always was

Most kids grow up with little awareness of the pressures and hardships their parents had to deal with. So did we.

You and I look back from who we are and what we know today–and make judgments, fair or unfair. Some of us keep digging to uncover ways our imperfect mom or dad failed us–and then we nurse our pain.

Why would anyone do that? Motivations vary, but for some, it provides a built-in excuse for … whatever. One example would be if we can blame our parents then obviously, it's not our fault.

This may seem a convenient way out when we fail, but there's a downside:

Any time I declare myself a victim I also declare I have no power, no control over my life and my circumstances.

Now, really, is that any cause for celebration?

What if?

What if we laid down whatever burdens drag us down and just live freely in this day? We can, you know.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ he [or she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

Once we are ready to be free of living with old hurts, the Apostle Paul lays out our how-tos:

. . . clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:12-13 NIV

We are human, we make mistakes. So did our parents.

You and I survived our parenting, however flawed it may have been. We may even be stronger because of what we had to overcome.

Instead of stuffing down hurtful memories of childhood, let's sift out the good and thank God for it.

(And let's pray our children will do the same for us.)

Blessings and joy,

Lenore

Are you still living by old messages?

February 17, 2022
Okay, I get it. Your mom made you go to church and you vowed you would never do that to your children.

Maybe it's time for a rethink. You may be cheating them–and yourself–by staying away.

How? Let's do a rundown:

Where else can kids be surrounded by grownups of all ages who smile on them and love them even when they don't know their names?

Where else does a "holy terror" kid get loved, time after time, even when said HTK can't sit still, can't be quiet and won't stop pestering whoever sits next to him?

Where else do young children and adolescents interact with older adults–other than their parents–instead of just observing them from a distance?

Where else do youngsters carry on real conversations with adults–listening adults–who aren't relatives or friends of their parents?

Where else in today's world do kids get a front row seat to watch and learn that it takes all kinds of people, each one playing their part, to keep things going?

Where else do children learn grownup songs and get to sing alongside adults? And where else would adults within hearing distance smile benevolently, even if a youngster sings off-key or messes up the words?

Where else can you feel you already know–before you've spent much time with them–many of the values of the people around you?

Where else will the difference between right and wrong be so clearly reinforced to your kids?

Where else will they learn principles like "Love your neighbor as yourself," and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and all the rest? (These truths sink deep and become a personal code far more reliable than moods of the moment.)

Where else will your kids learn that Jesus came to set things right between God and us humans, that he lived and died and rose again so that all who believe can call him Friend.?

In what other setting–besides at home–will your children be reassured over and over again that Jesus loves them? Or that he watches over them and is with them every moment of every day and night?

It's not "Go to church and do your duty," but rather, "Why cheat yourself and your kids out of the blessing and joy?"

Every mom and dad soon learns that our words don't mean much to our children if they're just words. What really counts with a child is, "Does this really matter to Mom or Dad? Or is it just something I'm supposed to do?"

That is, bring them with you to church, rather than just drop them off for Sunday School and then pick them up afterward.

Being part of a family of faith reinforces what you as a family stand for. It's about support and encouragement–for both your children and you as their parents.

Bringing your kids to church is not just so they can hear the pastor's sermon and/or the children's message or go to Sunday School. It's also so they naturally grow friendships with kids you more likely feel comfortable with.

If you're a mom or dad, your fellow churchgoers are like your backup team.

Think about it. A church family is just that: Family

You may live a thousand miles from relatives, but if you're part of a local body of believers, you're plunked right down in the middle of family.

Family related by faith, not blood, who will be there when you need them.

Folks who if they see you talking to a friend and spot your toddler running across the parking lot, will immediately race after your junior adventurer and deliver your little one safely back to you.

Individuals with whom it's safe to talk. People who will care that you're running on fumes and feeling overwhelmed.

It only takes one to hug you and remind you, "Take heart, it's not the end of the story yet. God will get you through this. I know that's true and here's how. …"

It's been this way since Jesus started it

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34-35

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Look for a church that's Jesus-centered and Bible-centered, where the pastor and people are real, that is, authentic.

Then go with an open mind and be as friendly as you would be if taking part in any kind of new activity. There's no better way to give your kids–and yourself–a solid base for living. No better setting in which to make new friends. Count on it as a place to grow.

Why bring your kids to church? Because you love them.

Why go to church? Because you love yourself.

Still growing,

Lenore
11 Reasons to Bring Your Kids to Church

January 6, 2022
Let's face it. Some children simply refuse to give in–or give up.

A friend remarked, "My two brothers and I loved to scrap and we were always pestering each other.

"My folks would let it go on as long as they could stand it, I guess. Then one of them would say, 'CUT THAT OUT!'

"That was my mom and dad's magic phrase. When we kids heard those three little words we knew we'd better stop or we'd be in a world of trouble.

"I know now it wasn't the specific words they used," he said. "It was their don't-push-it! tone of voice. That told us they were out of patience."

Most of us use way too many words

I remember doing exactly that, thinking it sounded more kind and loving and reasonable. Now I know all it does is confuse and water down what we say.

Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, once said every child is a 24-hour a day student of his or her parents.

This careful study enables our children to know exactly how far they can go with each parent. They know which one is more likely to be swayed by pleading and which one needs all the facts–and time–before saying, "Yes."

It's a bit shocking–but accurate–that we train our kids to know how far they can push us.

Personalities play a part

For some strong-willed youngsters it's as if their mission in life is to oppose whatever Mom or Dad say.

Here's a word of comfort. These, um, "determined individuals" often grow into adolescents who are less susceptible to peer pressure and then become adults who love a challenge and don't wimp out.

I can hear you saying, "That's all well and good, but this being in charge role doesn't fit my personality and it's really hard for me. How do I get through today?"

Today remind yourself that every child secretly wants their parents to, well, act like parents.

We moms and dads are meant to be in charge, because we are their security.

Knowing what their parents allow–and don't allow–makes youngsters feel safe and loved and cared for.

This includes your prizefighter strong-willed child who never gives in gracefully.

We bless our children when we draw up boundaries

Boundaries, like fences, protect. Well thought-out rules tell our kids that we love them enough to keep them safe and secure.

Within those reliable limits our children can relax and run free.

Will they keep testing to see whether we still mean it? You betcha. That's just part of being a kid.

That's why it's essential to be consistent. (This is any parent's biggest challenge.)

If it was a No yesterday, it has to be a No today–or you'll be back at the beginning and starting over.

We don't need to act like dictators, nor yell.

Just remember that we are the grownups in the family and that's our job.

It's all about knowing who we are, then acting like we believe we possess the authority

And we do. From God.

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. -Colossians 3:20 ESV

As loving caretakers of the children God gave us we are to protect them and guide them because it's for their good. Our job as parents is to get our children equipped and ready to move out into a life of their own one day.

And we do it all with love.

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . . Colossians 3:12-13a

Parenting roles change over the years

In the earlier years we must be watchful at all times, in every detail. From feeding and diapering, then chasing them as toddlers, we're all about tender care and protection.

As our children get older we still keep a watchful eye, but our role gets more subtle, Little by little, we back off and stay more in the background so each child gains confidence that they can handle whatever they're trying to do.

All along we remain their protectors, their defenders, their life coaches and sometimes, yes, The Enforcers.

Be sure of this: Even teenagers know they're not ready to be on their own, although they will argue the point over and over and over. Most of the time they avoid saying they need us and feel safer because we're watching our for them.

Nevertheless, it's worth repeating: Our kids push us to the edge because they want us to be who God asks us to be.

Wherever we are in this equation, we are not alone

Being a parent and watching our children grow into themselves is deep-down satisfying. I believe it's the most important thing we could ever do because we are raising human beings.

But parenting is never a picnic. It isn't meant to be. Raising our children is it's a growth-and-development project for us as individuals, too. Being a parent changes us, makes us wiser and stronger and more understanding of human nature.

(Is it any wonder that we Christian parents so often feel inadequate and frequently ask Jesus to guide us and help us?)

Over the years when I've felt weak and insecure, I've gone back again and again to Ephesians 3:20:

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. ESV

It's safe to say that applies to being a mom or a dad, too.

Here's to being who God made you to be–and enjoying it!

I'm praying for you,

Lenore

Ever wondered why our kids so often push us to the edge?

July 30, 2021
That may sound like an extreme statement, but here's a true-life story that illustrates the point.

Nine-year old Lawson is playing with his dog in the grassy area beyond his backyard. Mom yells from the back door, "Lawson, it's time to come in."

No response.

"Lawson! Time to come in!"

No response.

Mom yells again. And again.

Still no response. By now Mom feels her temperature rising, especially since she can see that her son is not far away and staring intently up at a tree.

"Lawson James! You get yourself in here right now, young man!"

Lawson takes his time coming in, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth.

His mother stands waiting, with hands on her hips. "You'd better have a good excuse, young man! Now you tell me why you didn't come when I called you!"

"Well … I didn't hear you the first four times you called."

Resistance comes in different packages

Some kids plant their feet and holler, "No!" as if daring you to do anything about it. That kind of open defiance is easy to spot.

Others are more subtle, like the child who appears smiling and compliant, but habitually "forgets." If this behavior is chronic don't immediately assume it's deliberate. For some, there's an underlying problem such as ADD or ADHD, which makes consulting a licensed professional a worthwhile idea.

Some children quickly agree with you, often with a smile or laugh, but then don't do what they said they would do. Note: Both "forgetters" and "agrees, but doesn't do its" offer passive resistance. That's not as in-your-face as defiance, but these pint-sized human relations experts know parents find that easier to take.

The "Lawsons" of this world know exactly how far they can push Mom or Dad. They usually obey. Eventually. They'll give in when they are ready, that is, just before you blow your top. If this sounds like a battle of wills, that's exactly what it is.

Consider such tactics the child's way of exercising the limited power at their disposal.

Are these kids evil? No. They're human. That is, not perfect, like every other human being.

Nobody said parenting would be easy

Still, few of us realize ahead of time how long it can take to teach important lessons. We get tired and lose heart.

We may ask ourselves, why bother to keep trying? The answer is easy. It's because all the studies show that youngsters who learn to obey and to respect authority have an easier time in school and also navigating through adolescence.

No one formula exists, but here some general pointers:

Principle one: Figure out what really matters in your family and talk about it.

    Principle two: Pick your battles carefully.

    Principle three: Don't say it unless you mean it. But if you say it, make it stick.

    Principle four: Be consistent. Whatever your rules were yesterday, stick with them today. Otherwise, you start over tomorrow. Besides, children feel more secure when they don't have to wonder whether you mean it … this time.

  Principle five: Learn to laugh.

All the while you're teaching and modeling, without a word

Any time you lose your temper or raise your voice, you hand over some of your authority as the parent. (Yes, I know how daunting and hard that is. I should, because I slipped up many times.)

As I got better at staying focused I realized being consistent actually saved time–as well as my sanity. Otherwise, any kid with even minimal levels of spunk will keep testing you just to see if you still mean it.

This tiresome maneuver can go on a very long time, especially with those children we label "strong-willed." If Dad and Mom stick to the limits they laid down, eventually even these guerilla fighters get bored and stop trying.

Parenting is a long-term course in personal growth

Being in authority may make you uncomfortable, but remember, God gave you these children. He knows your stress levels and he equips you for the task He gives you.

As our children grow and we face new challenges, we parents continue to grow stronger from within. Stronger in character, with a clearer fix on what we as individuals stand for. Most of the time we also pick up all kinds of useful personal skills.

When you feel overwhelmed, remember Paul's truth and take it to heart:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

That includes living with a Resistance Fighter who happens to be your child.

Take it from one who survived,

Lenore

Kids: “The Resistance Movement”

July 16, 2021
Fathers come in all shapes and sizes and all personalities.

One thing is common to all: Even the best of them have–or had–flaws because, well, they're human beings.

Some dads provide for their family and are physically present, but they remain detached emotionally. Others live with one goal: Provide for their family and give them what they need, plus surround them with love.

Perhaps the man who reared you and did his best to love you wasn't your "natural father," so you shut him out. Now you know he endured pain, too. Why not speak (or write) a few words of respect–and gratitude?

Some of us can't get past our list of what we lacked while growing up

What better time to take a new inventory? You might see there were blessings sprinkled in, too, and you never noticed.

Maybe your loving, stressed-out mom had to go it alone, but an "outsider" in your life nurtured you and influenced you in ways that built strength. A teacher, a coach, a neighbor, or just a kind individual who knew when a kid needs a friend. That's a gift, you know. Have you ever thanked this person?

All these men–or father figures–were there. They gave of themselves, however imperfectly. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Father's Day offers the perfect "excuse" to say the words that matter. Do it now.

And thank God, too, for what was–and is–love.

Love is patient and kind … Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:1a, 7 ESV

When if you missed out on all that?

Maybe you're muttering, "Yeah, sure. Easy for you to talk!"

Maybe your dad wasn't there–or he just showed up once in awhile.

That hurts down deep and it's easy to get stuck in what you missed out on. The only way I know to be free of that weight is to let it go. Lay it at the cross of Jesus and move on. Look for what's good now.

One more thing: Revisit your memories, slowly, thoughtfully. Ask God to show you any glimmers of blessing you might have missed and thank God for that.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV

Say it now, while you can

Perhaps it feels like it has been too long and words are hard to find. Set aside your discomfort and do it anyhow.

My dad was like most men of his era and didn't talk much about love. Because of distance I saw my parents infrequently, especially after we moved West. As my father got older I called more often but most of the time we just made unsatisfying small talk.

As years went by I realized I had not put into words what Dad meant to me. So whenever I sent him a letter or greeting card I noted a few qualities I honestly appreciated about him as a man and as a father. And every time we talked by phone I made sure to tell him a time or two, "I love you, Dad," before I hung up.

Later on, after he died, it comforted my heart to remember those conversations. I'll always be glad I did that.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.  1 Corinthians 13:13 ESV

Most of us find our insight improves over the years

Probably we understand our parents better once we have children of our own. Your dad and my dad had to learn and grow and endure the same struggles we all do when we have children.

Did they make mistakes? Of course.

For me, I know my father did the best he could, even in the hard times and remained patient and kind. Through all the serious health issues and other hardships my parents faced, they lived out their faith in Jesus Christ.

In countless ways my mother and all our family were blessed because Dad was there for us. Always. No matter what came.

I took that for granted for much of my life. More and more since my father died I understand that who Dad was as a person blessed me. It influenced how I live and who I am, even today.

The righteous who walks in his integrity–blessed are his children after him! Proverbs 20:7 ESV

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26 NIV

What if our emotions are all over the place?

First, let's be patient with ourselves and not be afraid to talk to our loving Heavenly Father about our joys and woes. Whatever is on our hearts.

Psalm 103:13 tells us why we can feel free to do so.

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him. NIV

If you're not sure he would welcome you, think of this verse, which shows the depth and enormity of God's love:

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16 ESV

That's a love you can trust and settle down in.

My prayer for you, Gentle Reader, is that you feel the Father's love warming your heart right now and every day.

Blessings,

Lenore

Take a fresh look at dear old Dad

June 11, 2021