Category: Parenting

"Did you ever … ?"

Those three words can trigger a flood of memories, can't they?

Like the time a friend asked, "Did you ever read the book of Ecclesiastes?" Out of nowhere popped up the memory of a weekend when a few Bible verses became my lifeline.

I needed one. For no reason I could figure out, I felt I was drowning in motherhood and in danger of losing who I was forever.

Don't get me wrong. Our life was good. My husband and I loved each other dearly. No big problems, good health, four great kids. Any fool would be thankful.

Wouldn't they? Shouldn't they?

Still, I yearned for something, because I was tired of feeling moody and unsettled.

All I knew for certain was I wanted to get back my usual sense of peace and well-being.

One Friday I read a tiny newspaper announcement about a weekend workshop for women

Over lunch I told my husband, "Wish I could go. It's only an hour's drive from here, but it starts tonight." (Cue in big sigh.)

Then that terrific man I married (who wanted his happy wife back) surprised me. "Of course you should go! The girls and I will be just fine."

I hugged him and right away called the number listed. Yes, they had space. Hallelujah!

I dressed and packed in a frenzy of anticipation. I knew only that the speakers would be Christian women from a neighboring state. A few hours later I waved and blew kisses and drove away feeling giddy at the prospect of 48 hours with nobody yelling, "Mommy!"

When I checked into the hotel I found my room and for a little while, I just basked in the quiet.

Then I walked into a ballroom full of women I didn't know. I didn't mind because it suited me just fine to be anonymous. All I wanted was time for me and perhaps to pick up some useful tips for living.

Handouts told me the conference theme was Ecclesiastes–which I confess, I didn't know much about.

Five minutes into the first speaker's talk, I knew why I was there.

Identifying the root of my discontent

As I listened to the speakers and read the verses I began to understand my blue mood. During the previous few months I had watched and listened to a lot of "experts" and talking heads, all enthusiastically promoting almost identical themes. Magazine articles trotted out "reinforcements" for what sounded in those day like startling findings:

I owed it to myself to "accomplish" something so I could be fulfilled.

Just being a wife and mother could never satisfy my deepest needs, only waste my potential for greatness.

Any woman who allowed a man to "dominate" her or influence her decisions was a fool–even if she thought herself blessed to be married to a good, sweet man who loved her, as I was.

Even though I had not consciously bought into these "new" theories, that weekend I knew they had lodged insidiously within my mind and heart.

Little by little, the repetition from all sides painted my thinking in a wash of dull gray.

Learning from Solomon

Without quite being aware of it I brought that mindset to the conference. No wonder this theme verse leaped out at me:

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind … Ecclesiastes 2:11 NIV

That first night we focused on Chapter Two, where Solomon relates his goals and dreams and also his great wealth and achievements. Yet all he felt was emptiness.

Our speaker asked us: Had we ever felt empty and as if our lives were pointless? Women all over the ballroom nodded in agreement.

I thought of all the voices telling me to look out for No. 1 and I heard Solomon's phrase drum in my mind: "chasing after the wind."

Next day's workshops looked at life, marriage and the joy of growing a family

Our leader stressed the great privilege God bestows when he entrusts us with a child.

It matters not whether we become birth parents or step-parents or whether we adopt a child. It's even true when we are rearing children in place of someone else.

Every day moms (and dads) help shape the next generation. Every day we plant faith and values that will carry over into the lives of our children and through them, into our grandchildren and stretching into the future.

What's more, our children are watching and listening in as we adults live our lives, picking up clues on how to do it. Like good detectives they pay as much–and maybe more–attention to our actions as they do to our words.

That packs every minute of every day with lasting meaning and significance.

During that brief workshop the truth of that statement gently smacked me on the head and got my attention, then moved in to stay. I saw it clearly. My life had purpose and meaning, just as it was. I already lived a life that mattered.

Better one handful with tranquility than two handfuls with toil and chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 4:6 NIV

Simple words, yet they reminded me who I was–and who I wanted to be

That weekend I got my right attitude back. I saw clearly the contrast between empty theories and Truth that stands the test of time. My heart danced as I thought how blessed I was to have a strong marriage and healthy children.

I cherish the memory of that weekend when God spoke to me through the speakers and through Ecclesiastes. He replenished my spirit and got me back on track. He gave me eyes to see.

He has made everything beautiful in its time … I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all [their] toil–this is God's gift to [mankind.] Ecclesiastes 3:11a; 12-13 ESV

No longer would I look "out there" to set my standards and gauge my "fulfillment" by someone else's measuring stick.

I drove home singing–and praying, impatient to hug my husband and daughters. After that weekend nothing changed about my life but me.

And that changed everything.

Praying you may see the value of what you do every day!

Lenore
On learning again that all we need is eyes to see what matters most

April 21, 2021
More is caught than taught.

The first time I heard this catchy phrase the truth of it grabbed me. I thought immediately of parents and children.

Sorry, that's too easy. This phrase applies to all of us. At any age and any stage of life.

Let's face it, each of us is a sponge. Without even thinking about it we soak up the moods and attitudes of people we spend time with.

If that's true for adults, think how much more that applies to children and teens.

Certainly they are less-experienced and therefore, likely to be more gullible. In the usual school situation, they spend their days absorbing what teachers and textbooks tell them is true.

All the while, multiple choices of social media are as close as their fingertips–and many of them are downright dangerous. Any time of day or night they can easily connect with information they assume comes from "people who know."

Are we adults any better?

How often do we check our cell phones? Or the Internet? Some of us stay glued to the Internet or TV from waking to bedtime every day. Media stars, books, newspapers and magazines color our opinions, too.

Celebrities rave–for pay–about certain products. Talk show hosts with time slots to fill interview authors of books sent to them (free) by publishers. And we take it all in, often without much thought about what we just saw and heard.

Then you or I or the people next door just "happen" to buy said product or book.

Our children take their cues from us

Almost from the moment our kids pop onto the scene we become their main role models. I wasn't ready for that. Were you?

In no time I learned that little ones are all eyes and ears–and they don't miss a thing. Especially our bad habits.

In their early years youngsters want to be "just like Mommy" or "just like Daddy." That's why they galumph around the house wearing our way-too-big shoes.

It's one of life's mysteries how a youngster can go straight from that stage (it seems) to adolescence, when they announce the last thing they want is to be like either parent.

What do we do then? Ron Taffel, described as "a child-rearing expert," nails it:

Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.

Still watching us

I used to think once our kids were grown we would have no influence on them. Not true.

Even when they're adults who live perfectly fine lives on their own, our children unconsciously look to us as role models.

In some instances that sounds contradictory, especially if a son or daughter seems bent on doing everything they can to be different from us.

Think of it this way. They may keep an eye on what we do and say to track whether the standards we preached while they were growing up were just for them or for us, too.

When family tales are good for a laugh

The bride was preparing a huge dinner for the couple's extended family. She planned to serve a baked ham and cut off the end of it before she put it in the baking pan. When her husband asked why, she answered, "Because Mom always did."

When feast day arrived the young hostess asked, "Mom, I cut off the end of the ham like you always do and Jason asked why. I didn't know. Why did you always do that?"

Her mother thought a bit. "I guess because Grandma always whacked off the end of the ham. Let's ask her."

After Grandma stopped laughing she said, "Well, I had to. My only pan was too small for a big ham."

That, my friends, is one of the ways lifestyles and funny little quirks can live on for generations.

Every one of us is somebody's child

We, too, carry around pluses and minuses we "caught" from our parents and childhood relationships. Sometimes it can take years before we understand that and see clearly. That makes it worth every once in awhile asking ourselves:

How many traits and foibles of my parents do I still hang onto?

Are they helping me or dragging me down?

Which one(s) do I need to leave behind?

If you want to shed some old thinking but you don't know how to change, don't give up. Here's the Good News: You don't have to do it on your own. You have Jesus on your side.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come. –2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13 NLT

Start now, with baby steps. One at a time. Keep your eyes always focused on the One who makes all things new.

Best of all is when we can hang on to what was good in our growing-up years and combine it with what the Lord has taught us in our adult lives.

Learning and growing never stop–and aren't you glad of that?

Lenore

Who or what makes us who we are?

March 10, 2021
Awhile back a group of us were talking about growing up.

We found ourselves dissecting whether how we grew up influences who we are now.

Some said it does, but "Nick" disagreed, "Not me. I'm a self-made man. I'm an adult and I decide how I want to live."

"Ellie" spoke softly, "That's not as easy as it sounds. My mom used to freeze us out when we misbehaved. I hated that!

"Once I had children, without even thinking about it I found myself going all cold and silent when they acted up. Thank God I realized where that came from.

"Even so, it took me a lot of years and a lot of prayer to learn to stop myself and stay calm. For me, those old patterns from childhood die hard."

Heads nodded all around the room.

Then "Linda" said, "I see that in my husband. He's just like his dad. Neither one of them can turn off their work and just relax."

After that everyone in the room had a story of how their growing-up years influenced them as adults. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes not.

We leave imprints on our children, too

Most of us start out wanting to be good parents. We intend for our daughters and sons to grow up healthy and balanced, with sound values and faith that will carry them through whatever comes.

The trouble is we're human. We slip up and give way to our feelings. Our frustrations spill over into everyday family life.

Without even trying, our kids pick up the best of us. And the worst of us.

What about all those "little talks" when we think we're teaching them about right and wrong and how to live? Family counselors say they're not so memorable.

What about social media?

Yes, the many forms of social media play a big part in the lives of many young people–and often not for good. Yet all the research from countless well-documented studies come to the same conclusion.

Parents are the most important influence in a youngster's life.

What impacts our children most deeply is how we live and what we say all those everyday times we think they're paying no attention.

Parenting would be easier if we were rearing peas in a pod

God created each of our children (and each of us) one-of-a-kind. That's a wonderful thing and who would want it otherwise?

Practically speaking it means what you learned with Child A probably won't work as well with Child B.

Whether your children came by birth, adoption or through marriage it helps to remember that God gave you each child.

Even if you can't quite figure out one of them.

Even if another one "drives you crazy."

What's more, He equips you to be the mom or dad who loves and helps shape these particular young individuals.

Take courage from knowing that through it all God is teaching and growing you as an individual.

As one observer put it, children grow up. Parents grow deeper, wiser, much more understanding of human nature.

Viewing our own parents through an adult perspective

It helps to take a fresh look and realize our mother and/or father dealt with stresses and problems we didn't see and couldn't have understood.

Our imperfect parents made mistakes, just as we do. They coped as well as they could manage. Loved their kids as well as they were able.

Don't we do the same?

You and I can count up all the ways our inadequate mom or dad hurt us and/or let us down and spend the rest of our lives nursing our pain.

Or we can sift out the good and give thanks, then pray our children will do the same for us.

Drawing strength whenever we need it

Anytime you think you're in over your head, remember who gifted you with each child. Remember who your children are–and who you are:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14 NIV

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 NIV

Program your mind for your life now

Spend some time in your Bible. When you find a verse that touches your heart, find a way to hang onto it. Write it down. Enter it into your phone or your computer, wherever you can find it quickly.

Even better, store at least a few in your memory. Then you'll be ready whenever old thinking creeps in.

Whenever you feel shaky or uncertain I promise it will help to read those verses aloud or just in your mind.

Think of it as planting a new reality in your mind and heart.

Think of it as finding a way to forgive the past and move on.

Still learning, too,

Lenore

How parents influence their children–for life

July 8, 2020
Why would I say that? Because somebody, somewhere is watching you and listening in. Always.

That thought brings us up short, doesn't it?

Yet it's true, especially if we're a parent or if we spend much time around children and/or teens.

Young people are looking for clues and for role models as they try to figure out who they are.

Adolescents and teens will deny that's true, yet surveys of young people reach mostly the same conclusion: Mothers and/or fathers top the list as the most important influence on their thinking and actions.

Adult children take many of their cues from parents, too–even when they seem not to care.

Each of us influences other people–positively or negatively–more than we know.

If you doubt it, look back and recall the people who affected you and your thinking, perhaps by just a chance encounter.

Watch out for giving mixed messages

That comes about when we say one thing to one person and something else to another.

Picture the scene: A mom picks up her children from school and they stop for a snack. Mom runs into a friend so those two share a table while their kids occupy the table next to them.

Their youngsters do what kids always do: eavesdrop on adult conversation. Suppose the friend praises the latest edition of Oprah's magazine and Mom chimes in with, "Oh, what I'd give to have that woman's money! All those houses, all those people at her beck and call, what a life that would be!"

Later that day her middle-school age daughter begs for a bigger allowance.

Mom replies, "Your allowance is just fine. Remember, money isn't everything. You need to learn it can't buy happiness."

Will her daughter remember what Mom said about Oprah's big bucks or what she says to her kids?

It's crucial to watch what we say, but first we need to be clear on what we believe and what we stand for. Then we won't give mixed messages.

Because few kids are able to pick through and discern what's important to us, we need to talk about what's good and right and true in our everyday conversation.

For starters:

We point out individuals who demonstrate integrity in small ways as well as big

We stay alert to notice when one of our kids acts kindly or considerately, and hand out some praise

We make sure to tell others about our child's positive acts and let them hear us

What about grades?

Keep them in perspective.

Kids may study hard and do their best, yet fall short of being tops in their class. Let that be enough–and say so.

(Isn't that what we tell them, that we only want them to study hard and do their best?)

When grades alone top the list, the pressure to cheat increases. So does the feeling of not measuring up.

Whether it's academics or deeds of kindness it's good to applaud the effort, whatever the results. "You worked hard, didn't you?" is music to the heart.

If we search out things we admire and speak of it, our words will encourage our kids to repeat them.

School is one thing, life is another

Every part of it gets easier when we have a personal cheering section, at any age. Words matter. So do hugs.

Remember these words from the Apostle Paul?

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.–1 Thessalonians 5:11

Our kids need to know we love them, not when, not if, but as they are.

Children respond to that as a plant responds to sunshine. So do husbands and wives. And friends and parents. And all the people in our lives.

Everyone. Everywhere. In every situation.

Here's to shining the love of Jesus brightly in our lives. That's what makes the best kind of hero.

Lenore
Has anyone ever told you you’re a hero?

October 9, 2019
Most parents want their kids to sail through childhood and adolescence trouble-free, then grow up to be strong, right-thinking adults.

But how can we do that?

Forget checking Google for THE perfect formula for each individual child.

There is no such thing.

How could there be? The Bible tells us every human being is one-of-a-kind, fearfully and wonderfully made.

That's why every parent with more than one child soon discovers what they learned with Child A isn't much help with Child B.

Besides, no one has discovered a way to spare our kids the pain of learning by experience.

What we can do is give them a solid start and help them find their own way.

Everything rests on planting truths that endure

Whatever the ages of our children, we start now. With ourselves.

We make a conscious effort to live out the values we say we want them to have.

If we talk it but don't live it, our words are just words.

You see, every child comes equipped with the ability to spot hypocrisy and they're quick to point it out. Especially when Mom or Dad says say one thing but does another.

Most parents hear this often: "But you said . . . ."

This is exhausting, but it carries a bonus. As we try to be good role-models we grow stronger from within.

And so do our children.

Begin by thinking through what you believe as parents

Make a checklist of what your family stands for–or what you want your family to stand for:

Try these for starters:

Always tell the truth. (Nobody gets in trouble for being honest.)

Be kind and thoughtful in what you say and do.

Be fair. Remember, other people have the same rights as you.

Respect those in authority. (Explain "authority.")

Treat others the way you want them to treat you.

Consider these to be foundation stones, a solid base to build a life on.

A quartet of Bible verses for backup

[Jesus said] "And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." —Luke 6:31 ESV

Even children are known by the way they act, whether their conduct is pure and right.  –Proverbs 20:11 NLT

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  –1 John 1:9 NIV

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. –Philippians 4:13 ESV

Empower your kids by helping them understand that everything is a choice

Stress this core principle of living strong until it becomes theirs, too:

In every situation, we make a choice. If nothing else, we choose how we will react.

That's a statement of personal power if ever there was one, useful even for younger kids.

It can make a child or teenager feel less vulnerable. A youngster or teen who understands this is less likely to plead that someone makes them feel a certain way or makes them hang with a pal they know is headed the wrong way.

They will know they alone choose their actions and responses.

Take it one step further. Teach them every choice, wise or foolish, inevitably yields a consequence, good or bad.

Best of all, we know and pass on the reason(s) for right living

It's natural for children and teens to consider their own moods and desires more important than anything else. They need a reference point outside personal feelings.

Even young children can understand that as believers we want to reflect Jesus in how we live and treat others.

Will we parents fall short? Of course.

Will our children grow up perfect? Never.

We're all human beings, remember?

It helps to be involved in a strong church that teaches the Truth

This provides a natural setting in which we can make friends who share our values. And so can our children and teens.

There we get reminded that Jesus died to pay for our failures and that we're forgiven, a.k.a., grace.

We get pointed to Bible truths like 2 Corinthians 5:17:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Our children need to hear that as they grow and learn–and make mistakes. It's what we parents need, too, and for the same reason.

The grace of forgiveness in Jesus enables us to keep going and to know we don't have to drag around our past mistakes any more.

Could there be a better Truth to help our children make it through life?

Still growing,

Lenore
How to teach your kids to make right choices

July 24, 2019
If you daily face the battle of wills with your, um, stubborn child, you may be thinking, Easy for her to talk. She doesn't know my life.

That's true, but I do know what it's like to rear a strong-willed child. I remember being deep-down weary because all day, every day, felt like an endless series of hassles.

Oh, how I longed for someone to tell me, "You will survive and one day you'll be glad."

Nobody did.

Not surprisingly, I too often got stuck in wanting to "win" the daily battle of wills.

It took me distressingly long to recognize the obvious. Life would have been easier for both of us if I had concentrated instead on my child's strengths.

What I know now

God gave you each child–and as the saying goes, He don't make no junk.

Because HE entrusted you with parenting this challenging child, you can know you two are just right for each other. (See previous point.)

More than any other influence, you set the tone for each of your children's entire lives. That's awesome–and a bit scary.

Struggles between you and your determined darling are as predictable as dust gathering on flat surfaces. Still, it takes two to make a battle, so pray for strength and bite your tongue. Try to view each skirmish as a teaching tool for your child. (And for you.)

You mean I need to be taught?

Ah, there's the surprise. I didn't quite understand that I was learning and growing.

Your child grows up, but you, the parent, grow deep.

I developed patience–and I'm not by nature a patient person.

I gained knowledge because I devoured books and articles on parenting looking for answers and parenting techniques. The more I learned, the more confident I became.

I grew in faith and trusting God and I became much more honest in my prayers.

Would this be true if I'd been able to float through my days because all four kids were adorable and also compliant?

Probably not.

Useful parenting techniques I picked up

Keep your voice calm, which will help calm your child. (Use a quiet voice in emergencies, too, and for the same reason.)

Even if it's not your style, take charge–while you still can. If your child gets too used to "winning," it gets harder and unwanted habit patterns get set in concrete. (But start where you are, whatever your child's age.)

When you give directions, avoid ending with, "Okay?" –unless you truly intend to give your kids a choice whether to comply. Strong-willed children, especially, want to know what's what.

Be concise. Gently state what you expect in as few words as possible. Repeat the same words as many times as necessary. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. –Proverbs 15:1

Decisive darlings want to be respected and they have feelings, too, so skip the sarcasm and "humor" at their expense. (Besides, God creates one-of-a kind and every character trait has at least two sides.)

Resolute youngsters aim to rule their world, so save yourself lots of grief and avoid telling them what to wear and what to eat. Instead, let them choose between alternatives you can live with. (For years we had raw celery and carrot sticks available at every meal, simply because one child would eat no other veggies.)

Bedtimes and departure times often cause stress, so offer at least a ten- and a five-minute warning. Then your SWC can choose to be ready to go or to head off to bed as if self-directed. (As if running their own world, remember?)

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Every time. Otherwise your insistent offspring will pay little attention to your words. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37: "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No';.

Periodically imagine the future

You may find this hard to believe, but many qualities in your strong-willed child–the character traits that drive you crazy now–can become strengths when wisely used. Trust me, it's true.

First, your little tenacious offspring likely will be super-resistant to going along with the crowd. These kids decide for themselves and don't much care what others think.

That inner strength will enable your strong-willed child to set goals and stick with them, no matter the obstacles along the way. Isn't that reason to rejoice?

So relax and be at peace. Despite the difficulties, know that you are just the right mother–or father–for each of your children because, after all, each one is a gift from God.

Here's a great verse for us parents. It's an easy one to memorize and have ready when you need a shot of courage.

I can do everything through him (Jesus) who gives me strength. –Philippians 4:13

If you are a Jesus-follower, you're never alone and never on your own. He walks with you and will guide you. Every step of the way.

With love,

Lenore
Why having a strong-willed child is reason to rejoice

March 20, 2019
The other day I talked with the frazzled mom of a couple of teens

Immediately, memory swept me back to the always-challenging days when three of our four kids were teenagers. Back then I often wondered whether I'd make it through. If only we had known at the beginning what we figured out by the end.

Nobody ever does.

The good news is that teen-age is a passage, not a life sentence for either parent or child.

Hang on to that. (It will keep you sane.)

A new relationship lies just ahead.

Today's mutual frustration will pass, not on a predictable timetable because personalities differ. But one day you and your child will relate to each other as adult to adult, actually enjoying each other's presence.

Trust me, it can happen–and usually does.

Here's a bit of what we picked up along the way

* There are no cookie-cutter teens

Every adolescent insists on steering through these years in his or her own way.

As parents it helps to start the day by asking God's blessing and guidance, then taking an "energy drink" from God's Word like Philippians 4:13:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Repeat as often as needed throughout the day.

* Conflict is part of the transition process

I remember thinking, I can't say or do anything right! (This went on for years.) I felt overwhelmed by what seemed everlasting conflicts.

I learned it helps to step outside ourselves and walk a mile in our kid's flip-flops.

Those youngsters who now look us in the eye are as surprised as we are. They, too, are baffled by their mood swings, by one minute sounding adult and mature and the next like a whiny toddler. They don't understand themselves and that's part of what makes them so testy.

We never know what to expect of them, true, but neither do they.

*The closer adolescents feel to their parents, the harder they find it to see themselves as separate individuals

One teen we knew, um, very well went to bed one night a sweet, loving girl. Next morning an individual who looked the same came to breakfast and slammed every door along the way–hard. This went on for a year and a half.

Hostility for no reason.

Total shock for parents.

Then a family counselor friend explained it's as if teens must "build a case" in order to give them courage to separate themselves from loving parents. That helped us get a better perspective.

We pledged to keep on loving, no matter what and this verse became our motto:

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.                    -1 Peter 4:8

* Trying to exert tighter control usually backfires

Our child's rebellion makes us want to clamp down, just to show who's in charge. Adolescents with an ounce of spunk react by digging in even deeper. They think their moms and dads still view them as little kids and want to hold them back.

It's more effective to back off on what isn't harmful. As one mom put it, "I'm strict on what really matters, but I don't get upset over small stuff. If he wants to spray his hair green or go to school in holey jeans I let it go."

Young birds need to try their wings. So do teens, preferably before they leave the nest.

* Loosen the cords and slowly play out the line

Trot out a tested principle of parenting: With freedom comes responsibility.

Put another way, increased freedom is a privilege, not a perk that automatically comes at a given age.

So we keep track of their everyday behavior as a gauge of their level of maturity. Whether they keep their word. Whether they demonstrate kindness toward others without being reminded. Whether they abide by our house rules without being nagged.

We respond to their trust-worthiness by slowly doling out freedoms. Taking the family car, for example, comes after proving oneself reliable and responsible in many other ways.

It's similar to what Jesus said:

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." –Luke 16:10

Hang in there. You are not alone. God gave you each of your children and He will carry you through. Count on it.

With love,

Lenore

Parent pointers: Take the tension out of parenting teens

October 24, 2018
We all carry around within us a self-image that traces to words.

Good words and not-so-good words, usually from someone we looked up to.
Dads. Moms. Other family members. Teachers. Coaches.

If your memories of childhood only make you smile, you're blessed.

Many were not so fortunate. Maybe you've spent most of your life trying to forget what someone said or the name(s) they called you.

The people we love and respect hold the power to wound us most deeply, whether deliberately or unintentionally.

Some of us heard words like these as we were growing up

"You make me sick!"

"Can't you ever do anything right?"

"You've always been a loser and you're headed for trouble, I just know it."

Words like these lodge deep down within a child or teenager and cloud their view of themselves and what's possible.

Even between adults this kind of talk can poison self-esteem and shred the fabric of a marriage.

In some families–or marriages–hurtful remarks are so routine it may appear no one is paying attention to what's said. That doesn't mean they slide off us like rain on a windowpane. Our careless words can sting and leave scars, even–or perhaps more so–if we hear them all the time and think we're tuning them out.

(And have you noticed how one biting word leads to an even worse response?)

You and I are not immune simply because we're Christians. As usual, the Apostle Paul had something to say about this:

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. –Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)

The past is behind us, but the future lies ahead

It's important to know we don't have to carry around those old negative labels and messages for the rest of our lives. You are not the labels someone else hung on you!

You are you. Not perfect, but on the grow.

So dig out that old list and look at those rocks of desperation in the light of adulthood. Let them shrink down to their appropriate size, which will be close to zero.

(If you can't shake them yourself, schedule a few visits with a licensed counselor.)

After that do an honest self-assessment. If you're comfortable with it, show it to people who know you well and will give you an honest read on who you are. Let them tell you who you are.

Then believe it!

What if within our own family we specialized on life-giving words?

No parent–or spouse–is perfect, but we can change. At any age. Or rather, God can change us and we can grow into a person who speaks life.

Life-giving words can change lives.

Let's be clear. "Life-giving words" are not the same as the practice of telling children, "You're amazing!" for every little thing.

What truly helps youngsters feel good about themselves and builds their self-confidence is when we compliment their honest efforts and can smile even when they come out on the losing side. That's the time to say, "I was proud of you today. You played a good game!" (Or, "You tried really hard and that will pay off.")

The great thing–and a hard thing–is that we parents need to pay attention so our words count. "I know you studied and you did your best on that test, so I'm proud of you." "I saw you being kind to your little sister just now and that makes me proud of you and your generous heart."

This kind of compliment helps kids know what matters most. They'll stand a little taller than before you spoke. Life-giving words also show that Dad or Mom value character more than simply coming out on top.

Our words gain authenticity when children can see that's how their parents live their lives, too.

It's not only children who crave words that give life

Adults are just grown-up kids who live on a steady diet of pressure. No wonder husbands and wives hunger to hear good words from each other.

But over time it's oh so easy to lose touch and to live as "married singles."

Life-giving words nourish and strengthen the marriage bond, even when it seems to be gasping for life. Force-feeding sweet words feels phony–and it is. Steady and sincere love–in word and actions–is far more effective, recognizing from the start that new growth may take time.

What kind of words?

"I know you have it within you to be a success at whatever you do."

"Thanks. I appreciate you."

"It means so much to know I can always count on you."

"I love you."

Do you think a steady diet of such words would change the climate within a home–or send a youngster into the world feeling secure?

(Would it make your heart smile if your wife or husband frequently spoke to you that way?)

Again, Paul lays out our motivation.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility,gentleness and patience. . . . And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. –Colossians 3:12,17 (NIV)

There you have it, the basis for all our words. Within our own homes, our own marriages and families, let's speak words that give life to the people around us.

They're the gift that truly does keep giving–for life.

Still growing, too,

Lenore
Who told you who you are–and do you still believe it?

June 13, 2018
This time of year most older high-schoolers–and their parents–are tied up in knots about what comes next.

Everyone wants to make the absolutely right choice.

College graduates are tense, too, looking for the absolutely perfect job.

That could be a long wait.

Recent graduates often feel dumped out in a world that's nothing like the dream they bought with their student loans. Some resign themselves to any job they can get that includes a regular paycheck. Others keep chasing their ideal.

Life is hard. How many of us tell our kids that beforehand?

1. Tell your kids the truth

One columnist noted that today's graduates grew up with parents who continually asked, "How does that make you feel, Honey?"

No wonder the world of employment offers a rude shock. Bosses seldom ask, "How do you feel about that?"

Employers want employees to show up on time, stay until quitting time and get the job done well and on schedule. They concentrate on the bottom line because unless their business turns a profit, there's no money to stay in business.

Or issue paychecks.

We do our kids no favor when we groom them to expect life should feel cozy and warm, like a mommy's hug.

2. Be a true friend to your children

A good friend speaks truth, even when we don't want to hear it. Our children deserve the same from us.

Sooner or later, most of us learn the no-nonsense foundation for success along the way. In school, in the job world, or even in our personal lives, here's the formula:

W-O-R-K.

Sounds hopelessly outdated, doesn't it?

That's especially true after hearing commencement speakers–and parents–who so often tell young people, "Follow your bliss! Live for your dreams! Refuse to settle for less than what makes you happy!"

Then someone will bring up Facebook founder, Mark Zuckerberg, who became a billionaire at age twenty-seven.

Reality check: How many Mark Zuckerbergs do you know personally?

3. Plant good seeds, so your kids can harvest good fruit

Love your children enough to speak lasting truth. Even in a dream job, they will have to prove themselves.

Most employees start at the bottom. It will be a slow climb from there.

They will not like parts of it. Guaranteed. Life is hard, remember? This is what hard looks like.

A runner talked of training for a track meet. "Runners know you must keep your eyes on your goal. If you waver and look down at the track your energy goes to what's under your feet and you'll lose the race."

To build a strong career, marriage or family we can't allow small annoyances to get us down. We need to fasten on what's good and let the other stuff go.

4. Nail it home that a good life does not depend on having every dream come true

Give your children a lasting gift. Tell them nobody has everything they want or everything as they want it to be.

Help them understand that individuals who expect that or insist upon it set themselves up for lasting discontent.

Wealth and achievements can never fill our inner emptiness because there will never be enough of either.

Happiness and satisfaction stem from how we look at life and from thanking God for our blessings.

A grateful spirit is a contented spirit.

5. Remember to pass on eternal truths

Be sure your children learn about Jesus Christ, our Savior. Worship together as a family and cultivate friendships with other Christian families.

Faith is the real key to a fulfilling life and peace within.

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. –Psalm 29:11

Jesus said:

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." –Matthew 6:33

Life in the real world is unpredictable and the only solid Rock is Jesus.

What we're talking about is helping our kids take on life without life getting the best of them. We moms and dads do that all along, little by little as we encourage them to keep trying and try again and to keep going. And we dole out love and hugs every chance we get.

Parenting is a process that goes on as long as we live, even though it changes form over the years.

Call it what it is: Privilege. Blessing. Joy.

Thanking God, too,

Lenore

Tell your kids the facts about life in the real world

May 30, 2018
Those of us in touch with the times know that kids do fine in any kind of family.

The Experts have declared it so.

They say it makes no difference if a youngster has two parents or one. Married or unmarried. Straight or gay. Whatever … it's all the same.

Agree or disagree?

That's become a loaded question in our time.

I happen to believe fathers bring balance to a child's life

Picture the preschooler trying to go down a slide, but frozen by fear. Mommy says, "Oh, Honey, if you don't want to go down this time, I'll come help you get down. You can try another time."

Daddy says, "Aw, c'mon. I know you can do it! Just shut your eyes and let go. I'll be here to catch you at the bottom."

If the child comes down and bumps at the bottom, there'll be crying. Mommy rushes in with hugs and coos, "There, there, Sweetie, you'll be okay. You don't have to try that again until you're ready."

But Daddy says, "Hey, that's a good start! Now just go up there and try again. You'll be so proud of yourself! Then we'll go celebrate with ice cream."

And so it goes, all through life

I think children benefit from both the soft, warm, nurturing comfort of Mom and the encouraging prods from Dad.

When I think of my dad I can't remember any deep, wise sayings. All I knew was he loved me. He loved my three sisters. And he loved my mom.

My mom and dad often looked at each other as though there were no one else in the world. Early on I didn't understand it but I sensed that somehow it was wonderful.

Now I realize their steadfast love blessed me and my sisters.

Love that lasts

I never saw that love fail, not even through the last hard three years of my mother's life after she was diagnosed with A.L.S., otherwise known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Mom died at age 54.

By then I had married and moved away, so I only saw them every couple of months. As my mother's condition slowly deteriorated I watched them cope with simple acceptance and quiet faith.

The same way they lived through all the years of their marriage.

My dad cared for Mom and held life together as best he could for my two teenage sisters. All the while he continued to pastor the congregation of wonderful Christians he was called to serve.

How did he manage it? I'm sure Dad would have said what the Apostle Paul said in Philippians 4:13:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. -NKJV

Dad trusted Jesus and sought to live by the Bible he regularly taught and preached.

That was who he was. I knew it then as more of a concept. Now I know by experience how Paul's words can put steel into a spine.

In praise of imperfect fathers

My dad wasn't perfect. Most of us can think of ways our fathers could be–or could have been–"better."

Here's the thing: Being imperfect comes with being human. Imperfect is what we are, all of us.

You and I so easily fixate on what's missing. We forget that to simply be there adds stability to a youngster's life.

If a father is someone his kids can look up to and count on he gives them a lifetime gift.

Can we not rejoice over what is rather than bemoan what's missing?

Can single parents raise strong, stable children? Absolutely. Especially if a mother makes sure her children spend time around good dads or father figures. (And vice versa, if it's a single dad.) It's tough to be a single parent, but many do a fantastic job.

Reason to celebrate

Our perception of what our parents lived through is hazy, so our understanding is limited.

It's time to forget their failures and thank God for what they did right. Every father who loves his children and offers a solid base they can count on is a blessing. (Ditto for every mother who does the same.)

Be grateful–and say so–while you still can.

Look for the joy, my friend, always,

Lenore

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Feed your marriage on "we" instead of "me" and watch it thrive

What good are dads in a child’s life?

June 15, 2017