Category: Parenting

Even non-tennis players found the news from Wimbledon captivating. Two players, one American, one from the Netherlands, hang on for eleven hours and five minutes and make the history books for the longest tennis match ever. Oh, the cheers! Oh, the glowing forecasts of the winner's meteoric rise to the ranks of tennis greats!

Fast forward to the next day, when the winner, John Isner, plays another match. This one he loses, after just one hour and fourteen minutes.

This is what stunning defeat at Wimbledon looks like.

This is what losing feels like. Anywhere. At any age.

I think there's a BIG message here, for us as individuals and also for us as moms and dads.

Last one first. Lots of us parents tell our kids over and over that they're winners. It's like the carrot held in front of the donkey. We warn them if they don't work hard enough or practice long enough they might (oh, horrors!) not come in first and they wouldn't want to be a loser, would they?

That sounds like they will be either/or, doesn't it? Sure, somebody wins the race or the tennis match or gets the highest score … this time.

On the tennis court, in the classroom and in all of life, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Sometimes we feel on top of the world and sometimes we're scraping bottom.

We do our kids a big favor when we help them learn to handle losing gracefully. Of course, we rave when they win. Do we cheer with as much gusto when they do their best and come in second? Or fifth? Or when they don't make the team or win the scholarship?

That's important, because we parents set the tone for how our children see themselves. And what we want more than anything is for our kids to know we love them for themselves, whether they win or lose, isn't it?

The other way we help them is when we handle their losses (and our own) well and role-model being a good sport. We stay calm when the umpire gives a bad call. We don't deny the pain of losing, even as we comfort our children with love and encouragement. But then we let it go.

From this side of rearing children I understand way better that the small things turn out to be the big things. All those everyday incidents and our offhand remarks add up. The youngster who learns to stay positive grows into the young adult who can handle life's ups and downs without being crushed. We parents play a big part in that.

I'll bet you, too, know adults who fall apart every time things don't go their way. They're not much fun to be around, are they? My grandmother had no patience with that. She'd seen her share of hard times and she would say, "Oh, for Pete's sake. You're still breathing, aren't you? So put today behind you and go on. Tomorrow's another day."

That's not a bad way to look at life, is it? Not for any of us. Grandma's old wisdom still makes sense. As long as we're breathing, there's always another day.

And for John Isner, there's always another Wimbledon.

Blessings,

Lenore

Any kind of loss can knock us flat. Job loss, separation or divorce, the death of a loved one, the end of a friendship or relationship, even moving from one place to another.

The life lesson from Wimbledon: Winning isn’t forever, but cheer up, neither is losing

June 28, 2010
Schools around here are back in session–or soon will be. Kids of all ages, along with adults of all ages, are trekking back, or maybe for the first time.

Education is a wonderful thing. We say that all the time, don't we? And it's true.

Still, it takes courage to take that first step, whether you're a first-grader or an adult first-timer who's been away from school for a long time. There's a saying that goes something like this, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Beginnings are like that. The "first step" is the hardest. Each one that follows feels easier.

That truth applies, even when we're beginning a new way of doing things in our personal lives. What we know always feels more comfortable and safe than stepping off into the unknown.

Every one of us has "been there, done that" at least a couple of times. We all know that sinking feeling, that self-doubt that we can handle what's ahead. What to do?

One simple tactic is to change the way we think and hang a new label on what we're feeling. Instead of "fear" and "discomfort," we can call it "excitement." After all, can't you remember times when you felt excited and you had those same butterflies? Me, too.

So if you're stepping off into the unknown–or your children are–here's a benediction on your week and for this new undertaking. We sang it at church today. First our pastor sang it to us, all of us standing. Then each side turned to face the other and we sang it together, each side to the other side. How lovely to sing these words to the smiling folks facing us!

So I "sing" it to you, with all my best wishes.

As you go on your way may Christ go with you,

May He go before you to show you the way,

May He go behind you to encourage you,

Beside you to befriend you,

Above you to watch over,

Within you to give you peace.

God bless you, whoever you are–and thanks for taking time to read this blog now and then,

Lenore

Question for you: What new activities are you–or a family member–undertaking?

A benediction for your week–and your life

August 23, 2009
My apologies for what's been occupying this space these past few days. I just realized my last piece–which was not ready–accidentally got posted. Hope you'll give me another chance although being human, I can't promise it won't happen again. Here's the rest of that post in finished form.

Do you read to your children? Regularly? Good for you!

Start about the time your baby reaches six months, says The American Academy of Pediatrics. According to their website, this helps stimulate brain development. Reading together also strengthens the bond between parent and child.

Teachers say they can tell which kids have parents who read to them. These youngsters do better with reading and with language.

Vocabulary skills improve because children hear different words from those commonly spoken at home and on the playground. Think Dr. Seuss. Kids love to roll silly-sounding words around on their tongues. Youngsters figure out the meanings of occasional big words and comprehension improves. Their storehouse of language enlarges, as well as understanding and ease with words.

Once kids learn to read on their own, parents are off the hook, right? Wrong.

What better way for children to get better at reading than to read aloud to Mommy or Daddy? You may agonize as you listen to your darling read s-l-o-w-l-y. Hang in there. Consider it part of the package. You're fostering an essential skill that will help your children, throughout school and all of life. When an individual cannot read, that person faces a handicap in every area of life.

Begin early and visit your public library often. Attend preschool story-times. Help your kids pick out story books geared to their ages. Branch out beyond Disney and Big Bird. If you don't, little ones stay fixed on images already seen and heard onscreen, rather than imagining their own. (Don't we adults do the same?)

Once your kids can read, let them choose their own books. Allow a lot of freedom, but scan their choices before check out. Once in a rare while you may spot a book that makes you uncomfortable. Before you yank the book, find a quiet corner and talk about your reservations. If the summer doldrums afflict your children, be sure not to miss summer reading programs and contests–or set up your own.

Expose your youngsters to the daily newspaper, too. Read a few selected comics to them, letting them see the drawings that accompany what you read. Soon they'll be hunting down those comic strips on their own. Whet their appetite for news stories by reading aloud amusing incidents that get reported.

All of this helps your kids develop a curiosity and an awareness about the world they live in. Now and then they'll ask you to explain some term that's foreign to them. Be glad. You'll gain insights into their thinking. Ask whether they agree or disagree with what they just read. Listen patiently as they try to express themselves. Within the safe family setting children practice how to think and to state their opinions reasonably.

Will this introduce them to subjects they might be over their heads? Sometimes. Usually they'll pass over such things. If they question, use the opening to discuss and help them lay down a solid foundation for how they see life. They'll need that more with every passing year.

Most of all, let your children see you reading and enjoying it. Talk about what you are reading. As always, what they see you do outweighs what you tell them to do.

Count on it.

God bless,

Lenore

Question for you: How do you (or did you) encourage your child to read?

Why reading to–and with–your children bears good fruit

June 30, 2009
Maybe that sounds like a silly analogy, but on the other hand…

Ever met a bride who didn't expect to live happily ever after? Me neither.

Ever met a wife–or husband, for that matter–whose life together consists of one blissful day after another? Me neither.

Or a new mom or dad who didn't expect that beautiful baby would smile and coo and love them every single day? Of course not.

Marriage and parenting change us. Like it or not, we're forced to stretch and grow. When we bring home a newborn, we quickly discover life never will go back to "normal." Because that totally helpless infant needs us, we set aside our own needs and care for our child. That becomes our new routine.

Call it the rock polisher of love and parenting.

Most married couples I've known describe themselves as complete opposites. Certainly that fits my husband and me. Yet here we are after many years, still married –and happy. Sure, we've had our ups and downs, but we hung in there through the downs and celebrated the ups.

By now we actually appreciate each other's personality traits, the same qualities that once frustrated us. We've discovered we're better and more effective together than either would be on our own. Now we know that we balance each other. (God, of course, knew all this from the beginning.)

We've learned. We've grown. Credit the daily rock polisher of love and marriage.

If you've ever been around a rock polisher, you know it makes a frightful racket. Picture a rotating drum full of rocks hitting and crashing against each other and banging the sides. The continual noise goes on and on.

It takes as long as it takes and there's no other way. In the beginning all those rocks look rough and uninteresting. At the end they come out smooth and polished. Now we can see their depth and remarkable colors. Some are revealed to be semi-precious. A few even turn out to be precious gems.

I can't think of a better analogy for marriage, can you?

So next time you hear some "crashing and banging" around your house, don't despair. Consider it part of love's smoothing and polishing process. As we live together in marriage, in a family, we smooth off each other's rough edges. (If you have no noise and conflict, don't worry. Love still accomplishes its purpose: change.)

By the way, it helps to remember what every rockhound knows. What looks like a dull, craggy rock in the beginning may, once it has tumbled awhile, turn out to be a gem of priceless worth.

Blessings,

Lenore

Question for you: Have you found this to be true in your life? (Just go to the "Comments" box at the end and follow directions.)

Are you caught in the rock polisher of Love?

April 7, 2009
"We had such a wonderful life," the weeping husband told the counselor. "A good marriage, beautiful children, and we did everything right. At least, we thought we did. But now, now…What am I supposed to do now?"

The counselor, known by all to be warm and caring, listened awhile. His response sounds shocking at first. "What I hear you saying is that someone ruined your Camelot."

Remember Camelot? Flowers always bloomed and the sun always shone. Brave knights rescued every maiden in distress. Ladies in lovely gowns sipped tea and cakes, yet never had to boil or bake. Who wouldn't want to live in such a magical, mystical, mythical place?

Except we don't. We live in the real world, with real people.

More times than I want to admit, I forget that and set myself up for disappointment. Then like that weeping father, I grieve the loss of my dream and my self-image as much as anything.

Then what do we do? We love the sinner(s), as the counselor advised that dad to do, as God loves us. We take our pain to God, until finally we can leave it there.

Camelot would be a lovely place to visit, I suppose. But I wouldn't trade the joys and challenges of relating to real people.

How about you?

Blessings,

Lenore

Agree or disagree? Your comments welcomed! (Just click on the word, "Comments" in the small print at the end, then follow directions.)

Who ruined your Camelot?

April 3, 2009
                    It’s the buzz across the nation. Octuplets!

In case you’re fuzzy on the details, here are the facts. The single mother gave birth to eight babies and has six children at home, ages two to seven. Although she has an ex-husband, he did not father any of her fourteen children. All fourteen arrived courtesy of fertility drugs and in-vitro fertilization, using the the same, undisclosed sperm donor.

Nadya Suleman, age thirty-three, lives in Los Angeles with her parents and her children. A year or so ago her parents took out bankruptcy to the tune of one-million dollars. Since then the nine of them have lived in a 1,550 square foot house. (I can hear you groaning. Are you identifying with the mother or the grandparents?)

Suleman has hired a public relations firm, but not to worry. Her spokeswoman says she is “the most sought-after mom in the world right now.”

Hundreds of morning shows, television talk shows, magazines, tabloids and the like clamor for interviews. Some (I am shocked!) involve offers to pay. No decisions have been made, says her spokeswoman, Joanne Killen, who noted the obvious: raising eight babies will be expensive … plus six more.

But not to worry. According to her spokeswoman, Nadya Suleman plans to carefully review her “financial opportunities.” Killen pooh-poohed reports that this new mother already had decided to host a television show on parenting. (It should be noted her family talks of her lifelong desire to have children, and she majored in child development.) She adds that Suleman does eventually want to tell her story to the world. That’s why the new mother (again) hired their firm, says Joann Killen, to manage all those opportunities.

Years ago learned scholars, doctors and theologians began arguing the ethics of the inevitable fallout to come once fertility drugs and in-vitro fertilization became common. By this point countless couples have followed this route and delight in the results.

The tale of Nadya Suleman and her children seems to me a prime example of misuse. Think of the other issues. Maybe you’ve read articles about women who gave birth through the use of donated sperm and now are tracking down their own child’s “siblings,” through the Internet. They’re getting together for “family reunions.”

            You’ve watched television shows about couples who meet and fall in love, then find out they’re related, because the two mothers were inseminated by the same sperm donor. You’ve read the stories of surrogate mothers who changed their minds because they had bonded with the child growing within them, leaving the would-be parents sad and devastated.

            Perhaps saddest of all are the countless children all over this nation waiting to be adopted … and growing up still waiting. Meanwhile couples long to be parents and will spend years—and endless thousands of dollars, not to mention the indignity and discomfort of taking fertility drugs—hoping to end up with a child that shares their DNA.

            Last night on one of our local television newscasts, the anchor did their weekly feature introducing one or more children who ache to be part of a family. They always touch my heart, but especially last night. A handsome fifteen-year-old talked about his hope that someone would want him. The newscaster asked, “Do you ever get too old to hope?”

            The young man said something like, “Not me. Maybe I’ll go on hoping all my life, wishing I belonged to somebody. When I hear other kids complaining about their parents, I just say, ‘Cut it out! You don’t know how lucky you are to have somebody in your life who cares about you!’ So I guess I’ll go on hoping … “ And then he looked away from the camera.

            So here’s my question for you: When—not if—Nadya Suleman turns up as the featured guest on Oprah’s show, will you watch? When the sperm donor decides to tell his story (and you know he will) will you listen? Would you watch a television show on parenting with Nadya Suleman as host?

What do you think about this “brave new world” of science? And what is "mother love," anyway?

Sorry, I guess that’s more than one question, so you get to pick. Please do!

Lenore

Your comments truly are welcomed!



What’s your take on the mother with eight babies?

February 3, 2009
    I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the continual doom-and-gloom talk everywhere we turn. I don't think it helps any of us.

    You know how it goes. One reporter will say, "If … then … and then … we could … ."

    The other talking head responds, "And that could lead to … which would mean that … and then … we'd have ____ more layoffs, which would mean ____ more people couldn't make their mortgage payments. Foreclosures will skyrocket in our area!"

    Nobody seems to notice–or care–that everything starts with that little word, "if."

    For two minutes or so they've drummed up emotion and fear. Their facial expressions and tone of voice make it plain doom is imminent! Yet not one real thing has occurred.

    It's way too easy to get sucked in to this whirlpool of misery. When I do it's no time until I'm venting to my husband … or vice versa. Soon we're forecasting personal doom based more on someone else's conjecture than on fact.

   That quickly snatches the sunshine out of a room … or a life.

    So let's not join that crowd. Here's my proposal for coping with what comes. First, let's get a realistic grip on what affects our own lives and concentrate our energies there. Manage as wisely as we can, cut expenses where we can, appreciate what we already have. Living bountifully has nothing to do with having money. It's all about how we view our life.

    Second, let's look at what really matters and focus our attention there. Most of us would say that people matter more than things. So let's invest ourselves in other people. It costs nothing to speak encouragement or give someone a hug … and most of us could use more of both.

    Finally, let's count our blessings … over and over again. I think that's more than ticking off a list. Let's form a new habit: Pay attention to what is, more than longing for what isn't. Each time we do we'll feel more confident, more sure of our life, more at peace.

    When we share a life, whether with a spouse or a child, little aggravations often cloud our vision. It helps to set them aside for awhile and look at this person with a stranger's eyes. Do we spot virtues we had been ignoring? Remember, small virtues count. (Ever forgotten to put out the garbage when your husband was out of town? Then you know what I mean.) If you feel shortchanged, ask God to enlarge your perception.

    If you live with those recording devices a.k.a., kids, remember that your attitude(s) become theirs. Your fear(s) become theirs … even when they never say a word or ask a question. No child ever is oblivious to their parents' state-of-mind.

    Finally, when it comes to fear, whether of recession, depression, or a change in government, let's remember who's in charge. Today I got an e-mail you may have received at some point, one with beautiful photography and a meaningful message. It points us to the verse in the center of the Bible: Psalm 118:8. This is the perfect motto for you and me in these troubled times … or any time.

It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

    Next time we're tempted to sink in despair, let's go back to this verse and pitch a tent. Fortunes come and go. Governments rise and fall. Only One was there before the beginning and will be there after the end. Only One has proven to be absolutely trust-worthy over time. He's the one who watches over us and who blesses your life and mine.

    By the way, here's the address for that video I referenced above: 70670-TheBibleDV.pps (2473KB)   (Sorry, you'll need to copy, then paste it to access it.) Enjoy!

    Have a refreshing weekend!

    Lenore

    What do you think about this? Your comments welcomed!



Let’s not let talk of the “downward spiral” drag us down!

January 24, 2009
    That sounds like a pointless statement, I suppose … or maybe wishful thinking. Yet isn't that what we all long to do, from the day our children are born?

    Becoming a parent is like tapping into a vein of miracles. What parent hasn't fixated on tiny fingers and toes, imagining the future of our children? That miracle never stops, because all through their childhood years we marvel as we watch our kids change and develop.

    Some of us start off on this adventure feeling confident. After all, we've read stacks of books and observed all the ways other moms and dads mess up. We have no doubt we can avoid all those pitfalls. As a friend put it, "The only time I had all the answers on how to raise kids was before we had any."

    New parents often burst with pride. Others panic, afraid they're not ready. One new mom said, "I feel like I've been appointed 'it' for everything in my child's life!"

    Actually, that's not so far from the truth. After we become parents it's up to us to provide TLC, food, shelter and guidance, 24/7. Which one of us ever feels ready for that?

    Before long we realize we have more questions than answers. That state-of-mind turns out to go on all through our children's growing-up years, even though we're growing and stretching, too.

    So how do we "bless our children?" We give them what every human being longs for: the sense of being accepted and loved without ifs, ands, or buts. Some of us have experienced that and possess an inner security our entire lives. When we haven't, we may spend our lives trying to live up to what we think our parents wish we were.

    Most of us would judge that freedom to be a lifetime gift, but how do we give it?

    It seems to me it's more than just saying, "I love you," over and over. We also study each child, not just their behavior, but their strengths and weaknesses. (If one or more of your children seems out-of-sync with you, or challenges you, welcome to a very large club.) As we do that we're more able to cooperate with who they are, the individual God made them to be.

   How do we "cooperate?" Imagine you want to play an instrument. You don't make music with a violin by blowing on it and you can't play a clarinet with a bow. Even gifted performers still need to respect the inherent qualities and capabilities of their instrument. So they study and they learn and they practice until they can bring out its music.

    No two kids are alike, not sisters or brothers, not even twins. Each of us is one-of-a-kind. We bless our children when we allow them be who they are and find ways to help them develop the "music" inside themselves. To do that we keep on learning and growing–and praying–so we can parent them in ways that fit with who they are.

    By now you're wondering if my husband and I always followed this excellent way as we reared our four girls. We loved them dearly, and we tried with all our hearts and all our might, but we failed in lots of ways. We still do. Why? I've never found a better explanation than the Pennsylvania Dutch saying I spotted on a hearts-and-flowers wooden plaque:

"We get too soon old and too late smart."

     Parenting turns out to be a lifetime growth opportunity. Who knew? So we start where we are, taking a good, long look at our children and ourselves. If we feel in over our heads, we seek out guidance. That may be a trusted, comfortable friend with older children, one who can mentor us and give us a wider perspective. It may be our pastor or a counselor that's been recommended. (First take time to check and be sure the lives of people you turn to stack up with what you want for your own.)

    We give our kids a solid place to start from when they know we value them as individuals. Of course we need to plant the other good stuff, too, for balance. Is this easy? Almost never. Yet I've found that God is faithful to supply us with fresh strength for each day. One more thing. As we help our youngsters develop into the people God made them to be, we're doing the same for ourselves.

   Through the days of this year, let's do more than speak our blessings to our children and families. Let's be a blessing, as well.

   When you doubt your capacity, remember that our needs never outstrip His supply!

    Lenore

    Agree or disagree? Your comments welcomed!

A New Year’s resolution for mothers: I will bless my children this year … and all their lives through

January 6, 2009
    Have you ever watched someone come alive while listening to music? I have, just the other day …

    For the second time in a week our community chorus sang at a local retirement and assisted-living facility. Just the week before we had presented our two annual Christmas concerts. to appreciative audiences. But it always feels a bit anti-climactic to work on music for months, then finally perform it, and poof! it's over. So when we do appearances like this we enjoy the opportunity to sing again the music we love doing.

   It's always a treat to watch the faces of audience members, but especially this last time. Most came with their walkers or canes. Some showed up looking bored, but friendly. Some individuals sat there, listless and glum or staring vacantly, due to memory problems. And frankly, some came only because lunchtime was nearing.

    Then we began to sing and the transformation began. Faces brightened, lit by smiles. When our director asked them to sing along on familiar Christmas songs, they did. Even the ones from the memory care unit who had been sitting there silently, oblivious to those around them, began to sing with us. At first they were timid, but their enthusiasm grew and their body language changed. Dull eyes took on a sparkle. Looking around the room it seemed everyone had perked up noticeably. Some clapped in time. Some swayed to the music, not always with the rhythms.

   After we finished, we went around the room, introducing ourselves and wishing each resident a Merry Christmas. They thanked us for coming, but really, we got the biggest blessing. We were privileged to watch as music touched something deep within and truly lit them up from the inside.

    As I drove home I thought about God's good gift of music. A child banging a wooden spoon on a kettle has a drum and often can find a rhythm. So can an eighty-something like the one we sang to last year. She joyfully played her spoons–and played them in time–whenever we sang something with a beat. I remembered a friend telling how his wife, an Alzheimer's victim, nevertheless remembered the old hymns. Each day when he visited, they would hold hands and sing them together. "Those were the only times I felt as if she came back to me," he said, smiling through his tears.

    So feed that memory bank! Encourage your children or grandchildren to try out different kinds of music-making. Playing in the band. Singing in the chorus. Piano. Guitar. Let them try different things. If you're part of a church family, that's the perfect place for kids to learn and grow. Even very young children can recite their lines or sing off-key with great gusto. Nobody minds. They're family, after all, so they cheer them on. Love takes over and gives the embarrassed one a hug and a, "Don't fret. You'll do better next time."

    Through all the squeaks and squawks, patiently laugh and clap noisily. Give yourself a pat on the back for going the extra mile, too. Kids and teenagers gain poise as they make music, whether alone or in a group. When you expose your children to music, you give them a gift that's guaranteed to pay rich dividends every day of their lives. If you doubt that, just start singing or playing around an older person who seems to have lost that old-time spark. Then watch it flare again. It casts a lovely glow, even if it lasts just a little while.

    How about you? Wha Christmas music most touches your heart? Your comments welcomed!

    May you (and I) stay calm as we check off our To Do lists. Let's remember we're preparing to celebrate once again Christ-mas, the night when Hope was born.

    Lenore

Music wakes up the spirit

December 13, 2008
    Most of us do. We read the news–or we look around–and fear for our daughters and sons. We know how making wrong choices could change their lives. But it's easy to suppose we're too uninformed, so maybe it's best to "leave it to the experts."

    "Besides," one parent says to another, "today's teenagers are so much smarter than we were! I mean, they have all those sex education classes in school … And they're all so much more open than we were. They talk about everything–with all their friends. What can I possibly tell them that they don't already know? "

    True, schools offer (or require) that students attend age-appropriate sex education classes, starting before the teen years. In a typical class students will be instructed in how the body works, along with accurate terminology. They'll learn how a male and female have sex–in a variety of possible ways, sometimes along with analogies to "other animals" who mate. Straight and gay will be presented as equally normal and equally desirable.

    Youngsters will hear statistics on teen pregnancy, how it can be riskier and have a negative impact on both teen parents for life. They'll be instructed in the various means of abortion available. Using "protection" of one kind or another will be emphasized, plus risks and benefits of each. Symptoms and prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and HIV/Aids will be presented, along with the need to always wear a condom. Self-gratification will be covered. The overall tone will be that whatever they're feeling is normal and natural, whether straight or gay, and that acting on urges is okay as long as you're "responsible" and "use protection."

    You may be thinking, That just about covers it! But did you notice what's missing?

    Most teachers are dedicated and caring, but here's the thing often overlooked. Unless your daughter or son attends a Christian school, the instructor almost certainly is required to offer facts, but just as certainly is not allowed to impose any moral teaching along with it. (Perhaps something like, "use things, not people" may be said, but don't count on more.)

    That's up to each mom and dad. Although that may seem senseless, probably it's for the best. As the parent, it's your privilege to help your kids understand what to do with who they are and what they know. You can offer insights and talk with them about how this fits into the framework of your own family's faith and standards–or does not. Who better than you, fellow struggler, to teach your children about how to live?

    Obviously, "sex education" alone is not enough. Take a look around next time you're in your local shopping center. If it's like the ones I shop in, you'll see a lot of very young moms, often in pairs, pushing baby strollers. Some look happy, some don't. Once in awhile they're accompanied by a young male. Don't misunderstand, I am thankful these babies were allowed to be born! Yet these young women seem to me to provide walking evidence that "being informed" isn't enough to keep teenagersfrom short-circuiting their course through life.

    So what's a parent to do? Talk with your children, even though you feel awkward and fear they may laugh or groan. Talk, talk, talk. Seize the moment when your're watching a TV show and something makes you cringe. When you're chauffeuring your kids around. When you're cooking or cleaning up together. Pay attention to what's in their world (music lyrics, MTV, Internet sites, etc.) First, you need to be aware what your kids are exposed to. Second, you can't communicate with them if you lack a smidgen of insight into what's rattling around in their heads. Even good kids get sucked into media that would appall their parents. Those who market this stuff know how to make it appealing to young people.

    When should one start? Now! Once you have your antennae up, you'll find opportunities more often than you think. For example, suppose you spot one of those single teenage moms we mentioned before. Avoid criticism of individuals, but do ask how your child thinks this will impact the young mother and father. Talk casually about how glad you are that your children will want to be through with school and married before they start having babies. Let your daughter or son think it through and tell you how this would help an individual be more ready to be a parent. Would it be better for the child? If so, why? (Don't forget to search out examples of young people you admire, too.)

   Little everyday conversations, one upon the other, help your youngster gradually form a solid personal foundation. Your goal is that this beloved child comes to share your older-and-wiser view beforehand. That provides a basis upon which an adolescent can think through these urgent, complicated issues. Otherwise, hormones take charge.

    Can you impose this view? Nope. Are there guarantees? Never. Will you pray? Always!

    Yet all the research and polling of teenagers point to one truth: More than any teacher, more than the best pastor or youth pastor, the parent influences the child. Kids learn when parents talk with them. But they probably learn more from watching and listening as their moms and dads talk with and interact with their friends and neighbors. Young people assume that's when their parents reveal what they really believe vs. their "parent speak." (How's that for a shocker?)

    I literally wrote the book–at least, one book–on talking to one's children about sex. It's part of the Learning about Sex series published by Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis.

    Because I'm a mom who learned a lot along the way, this book features language any parent can understand. Rest assured, everything in it is based on solid medical information and Christian principles, and was checked by professionals in relevant fields. The emphasis throughout is on what Scripture teaches, that we are indeed, "fearfully and wonderfully made," and that our sexuality is God's gift, too precious to be squandered casually.

    You'll find many books available now, a number of them Christian-based. I know these Series books best, of course. They're quality books, used in many Christian schools and praised by professionals. This Fifth Edition of the Series, newly illustrated and formatted, came out in July, 2008. As with each new edition before it, I revised and updated the text in my book. I always recheck the medical information and statistics, too, to ensure that everything is current, both in the text and in the extensive Glossary. I'm thankful this book fills a need and proud of the work I've done on it. Believe me when I say that I prayed more earnestly while working on this book than on anything else I've ever written. (To order, go to www.cph.org )

    You see, like every other set of dads and moms since Adam and Eve, my husband and I did our best with what we knew at the moment. That's all any of us can do. In most places parents were expected to educate their own children about sex. We tried … and did not excel. We stumbled and stammered, too, feeling inept. We gave our children some of the available books–and we did a lot of learning ourselves.

    Believe it or not, bookstores didn't feature yard-upon-yard of parenting books, especially related to sexuality. At the time we thought ourselves more enlightened and open than our parents–and we were. That's no excuse, just a statement of fact. You may look back and think your parents didn't prepare you for adolescence. Give them a break; like you, they were only human. (Trust me, someday you'll want your oh-so-with-it children to cut you some slack, as well.)

    Here's the bottom line. Bathe your parenting with prayer. When it comes to talking about sex with your children, pray God will give you the words. Then breathe deep and jump in. Trust God to "translate" your halting speech into truth in your child's heart. Soon you'll find yourself feeling more comfortable talking to your kids about sexuality. That's a good thing, because either you help your children form a life view of sexuality and what's right and wrong, or someone else will. Always, it's your choice.

    Remember, you're not in this alone, because God loves your child even more than you. He loves it that you care–and so do I!

    Lenore

    Your comments welcomed!









Feeling tongue-tied when you speak to your kids about sexuality?

December 9, 2008