Are you a Tiger Mother? Should you be?

If you haven't seen her interviewed yet, you will. Amy Chua, a Yale law professor and the mother of two teenage girls, wrote a book titled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The day the book was released it shot to No. 6 on Amazon.

As a writer, that makes me drool. 

Amy Chua is the daughter of Filipino immigrants with roots in China and a self-described "Tiger Mom." She lays out her description of the Eastern-style parenting she followed as a mom. No TV, no pets, no computer games. No playdates or sleepovers. Endless academic drills, with no grades under A tolerated. Nothing less than being the top in any class, except in gym and in drama. Prolonged, dedicated piano and violin practice, with no other instruments allowed.

As a Tiger Mother, when her children didn't comply, she called them "lazy" or "garbage." If they didn't follow the rules she threatened to burn their stuffed animals or give away favorite playthings, piece by piece, until they did. When they achieved–and they did, in many ways–she was at their side, supportive and proud.

To no one's surprise, critics have lined up on all sides.

Chua considers typical Western (American) parenting lax and undisciplined.

I admit I have not yet read Chua's book, only an Associated Press article. Yet I can't help contrasting what I learned over the years our four girls were growing up–and since. I agree that children benefit from knowing exactly what their parents expect of them. That is, set clear, loving, thoughtful limits–and stick to them.

But I believe even as we monitor, we back off and let our children have individual freedom within the "fences" we set up.

As for Amy Chua's insistance on tolerating no grades lower than A, I think that's both unrealistic and uncaring. That makes the grade more important than the child. I believe each child is a unique creation of God. One of a kind. One youngster naturally finds schoolwork a struggle, while another will find it a snap. As for pressing youngsters to be the best–or else–where does that leave the one who comes in second?

We paid attention, of course, to how our children were doing in school, in a low-pressure way. Perhaps my husband and I were naive–or perhaps we stumbled on a secret. Somehow we assumed our children were good kids who would study and turn in assignments on time. Our girls did well in school because they wanted to, not because my husband and I insisted they do. We almost never helped our children with their homework. (If they had flunked a test or a grading period, well, that would be what they chose to get by goofing off. Then they would have had to work it out with their teacher. We stayed in the background, but kept informed. At home we would have restricted their privileges until they were back on track.)

As for homework, our parenting style was to put them to work. If they didn't understand a word, we'd say, "Look it up, that way you'll remember it." If they struggled to find a solution for a problem, they knew our first question would be, "Did you go back and reread what came before so you have it clear in your mind?"

We reminded our girls that just as Mom and Dad had work to do, they had school work to do. That made getting their studies done their responsibility, not ours. That ensured they would feel justifiably good about themselves for following through. So did we, as proud of their character as their grades.

We believed–and counselors like Dr. Henry Cloud back it up–that a child's self-esteem stems from feeling competent, not from endless parental variations of, "You're terrific!"

Did we encourage each daughter to try out for various activities? Of course. If they found they couldn't do it or didn't want to, we gave them a hug and said, "That's okay."

Like most parents, we wanted each of our daughters to develop as individuals, to build on their strengths and to thrive, each in her own way and on her own timetable. For us what mattered was that our girls know we loved them the same, whether they reached the top or scraped the bottom.

Oh-oh. I guess that guarantees I will never make it as a Tiger Mother.

Here's a question for you. What do you think of Amy Chua's Tiger Moms theory? Did you find any points of agreement or disagreement? Why not click on "Comments" and tell us?

Joy in your journey,

Lenore