Have you ever known someone who constantly takes a reading on their state of happiness?
I have, and they never seem to be at peace. Their self-examination goes on 24/7:
- How am I feeling about life today?
- Am I as happy as I could be? If not, why not?
- Something must be wrong, or I would feel like smiling all the time.
- Maybe I’m depressed. Maybe I need to see someone with some answers or get on some meds.
- All I ever wanted out of life was to be really happy. Is that too much to ask?
Some years back a University of Denver study reached what seems an implausible conclusion: The more a person wants to be happy the more likely it is that this individual will be unhappy.
How do you think those with the highest desire to be happy and the least amount of stress in their lives almost always rated themselves?
Here’s the real shocker: These individuals considered themselves to be less happy than other study participants.
That doesn’t sound right, does it?
These researchers finally concluded that people who deal every day with lots of stress and difficulty do not expect to be happy all time. Therefore, they’re not surprised when they aren’t.
Once all the findings of that study were analyzed only one conclusion could be reached: Those who cared for others and did more for others rated themselves higher on the happiness scale than those who didn’t.
Probably it comes down to simple logic. Individuals who live with personal challenges often feel it takes every ounce of the physical and emotional grit they possess just to get through each day.
They have no time or energy left to delve into the question, Am I happy today?
I suspect you and I are not so different from those who participated in that study
When things are going well and we’re feeling more relaxed we have time to wonder how we look and why that neighbor isn’t nicer and why we can’t communicate better with our spouse or our teenager.
Often that’s when we find leeway in our schedules to focus on our own flaws–and everyone else’s deficiencies, too. Whether real or imagined, such thoughts are like gnats at a picnic. They keep us agitated and blind to the bounty and the blessings in our lives.
That’s when we may begin to wonder if we’re “really happy”.
Some thoughts from a marriage and family counselor in private practice
I once attended a workshop where a veteran professional counselor remarked that with new clients, there seemed to be an urgency to announce early in their first appointment that they are depressed.
When she asks how they know that’s true, they answer with something like this: “Because I want to be happy more than anything else–and I should be, because there’s nothing really wrong with my life.
“But some days I just feel blah. I don’t feel happy inside, so that must mean something is wrong. I must be depressed, so I know I need counseling and I probably need medication, too.”
This counselor said when clients come in with that mindset, they sometimes find it hard to believe that nobody lives a life that’s 100 percent happy, 365 days a year. Once they come to understand the truth of that it’s like turning on the light in a dark room. Their faces light up and they can smile.
Fact: True depression is serious. It can be debilitating and hard to treat and there are many variations.
This counselor’s comments point to an important truth for parents
For every human being of any age, some days are good, some not so much. That’s life.
This means we do our children no favors when we frequently ask, “Are you feeling happy?” Or when we tell them they should be happy.
This may sound a bit radical, but I believe it’s good for children and teens to experience some everyday failures and disappointments during their growing-up years. Of course, it’s good and right for parents to be loving and supportive, but let’s not suppose we can shield our kids from everything. As they deal with what comes, they become more resilient.
They learn to cope and work out solutions. This helps youngsters and teens feel confident about their own strenghs.
Give your kids a lifetime gift
That’s what it is when parents help their children learn to take each day for what it is. Teach them to search out the good in every day, even when they think they had a “bad day”. That’s how they grow more resilient, able to remain calm, whatever comes.
The writer of Ecclesiastes capsulized that very truth in Ecclesiastes 7:14:
When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other.
This we know, whatever the situation:
Whatever comes into our lives, God is with us in the midst of it and we never walk alone–unless we insist upon it. He tells us so, over and over, in His written word, The Holy Bible. Here are two verses that tell us that plainly:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
So do not fear, for I am with you. do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10
Great thinkers echo similar principles. Long ago, plain-speaking Abraham Lincoln spoke about how we humans evaluate our state of mind and no one has said it better:
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
The bottom line question to ask ourselves every day, whatever our age or life situation, is this: What will I choose to think?
Learning, always,
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